How far does it have to go? …Hit hard again by the consequences of my actions which stem directly from the consequences of the situation I allow. The previous “hits” to my character have sucked away my self faith; the hits to my reputation have sucked away any sense of pride or esteem; the hits to my heart have stripped me of my lucious life-loving essence; and the hits to my soul have knocked me to my knees for so long I feel relatively handicapped in my basic survival and self-nurturing mechanisms. Now, my physical life and everything I hold dear has been directly and permanently affected. He stole the freedom flowing through my spirit long ago and now my literal freedom is at stake and as always, I have no one to blame but myself. It is all from my reactions to his actions. Over time, I have learned not to react directly, but the ripple-effect on my self-stability endangers everything and creates an indirect response within my lack of actual response. All of which affects only me and my life. My no-response “reaction” has only served to protect him from any effects and then has put myself and the elements in my environment at stake. As always, he is protected, by both myself and himself. However, that has come from his refusal to allow himself to be affected on any level, large or small. The literal danger he has put me in, in order to always ensure that he remains safe. This, plus my desire to keep him safe, has put all effects onto me, while he’s surrounded in a cocoon of both our protective measures. Meanwhile, my back has ben exposed for an attack from anyone and everyone. I don’t blame him for this. Ultimately, I made that choice, not him; as he has chosen only to protect himself at whatever cost that comes to me and my life. That is his right and responsibility, right? I’ve been the one who has accepted these circumstances and in many ways encouraged and allowed them to continue. As with the rest of this maddening perpetual cycle, I can blame only myself for the short and long term effects.
That certainly antagonizes the effects. I don’t have the self-denial tool which allows me to blame him or anyone else for it all. My self-awareness and sense of responsibility does not allow blame to be placed anywhere but myself for any of my difficult circumstances. How free-ing it might feel to convince myself that its all his fault…to let myself really believe that even! That has never been an option for me. I can’t point a finger at him ever unless I also look honestly at the three fingers pointed back at me. Will that ever create a transformation inside me? Will it ever be the catalyst for growth and change? Will I ever be capable of honest self-reflection without beating myself up from the flaws in the mirror? Otherwise, the honesty I insist upon seems to only serve to create more inner issues and thus, allow more outside abuse, as though it on proves somehow that I really do deserve such treatment. Creating the question of, “Who am I to expect, much less demand, any thing different?”
When I have had enough from it all and stand up for myself, I’m acused of being mean, hateful, greedy, or just crazy. I don’t wish the “others” any harm, I chose only to remove the majority of them from my life. (All except him.) That choice has been judged as “hateful”. I’ve defended myself from the lies and horrible accusations from him, that choice has been judged as “crazy” and ironically even “stalking”! I once (and once only) legally demanded reparation when I was financially manipulated by a friend to an extent that it affected my ability to take care of my family – that has been judged, “greedy” and “money-focused”. Yet, not protecting myself from the “others’ has created so much pain and drama in my life that I didn’t know how else to make that stop. I took responsibility for surrounding myself with terribly unhealthy and self-serving people, knowing that any repercussions which resulted was only my own fault for keeping those people as priorities in my life. Thus, I walked away from them. My defense of myself at the attack from him and his “friends” was done out of righteous indignation and ultimately only furthered and fueled their attacks on me. Which, I’ve taken responsibility for as well. The money I’ve loaned people who had no intentions to pay me back nor had any sense of gratitude, nor cared how not paying me back adversely affected my life, is my responsibility for loaning the money in the first place. I may have in one case taken legal steps to be paid back, but only after accepting that I’d been taken advantage of too many times in that way and not done anything about it; accepting responsibility that it had been my choice to loan money out in the first place and my choice to demand justice. Each time I did not stand up for myself and just allowed victimization, I was labeled as a “willing victim”, who allows this. Each time I have attempted to defend myself, although typically was a weak and futile defense, I’ve been characterized as everything but a good, kind human being. Who put me in this perpetual no-win situation?!?? Well, really, I have only myself to blame, right? If I choose to remain blind and ignorant to the true motivations and character of the people I’ve surrounded myself with, then it is only my responsibility for what happens as a result. If I choose to finally stand up for myself, then it is still only my fault for allowing myself to be in that position in the first place… to accept that naivete and blind faith is a choice I’ve made and no one else. I’m not really as “stupid” as those choices indicate. Therefore, I’ve no excuse for allowing it to continue, except for my own stupid perpetual choices to keep believing. So, how is it also a “negative” apect of my character to stop it by refusing to allow it anymore? What are my other options? I’m fresh out of tactics here….
Isolation is the only answer I come to again and again. Cocoon myself from everyone at every level and then hopefully if I’m removed completely from any association or any action or reaction (even passivity), then I’m not even in the “game” at all. Hopefully, it will some day become a struggle for them to blame and accuse me the longer and more completely I remove myself. Hopefully…
On some level, I do not understand how the best of intentions and attempts to turn the other cheek, still somehow filter down to my accepting responsibility or every horrible deed done against me. While, I am equally responsible for every horrible thing I’ve ever done or been aware was done to others as well. I am responsible if I act. Responsible if I react. And responsible for being totally passive and doing nothing.
Yet, I am not so large-at-life that I have responsibility for everything. That is impossible! How did I get myself in this position? And how do I effectively get myself out when every possible option only furthers the negativity? How did I get to the place where my only option seems to be absolute disconnection and non-association? I don’t want to be who I am. I don’t want to be so responsible when it means everything just falls back on me. I want others to take their blame for their part as well. I can’t possibly be totally and solely responsible, so who else carries the burden along with me? No one really except the few (hopefully) true friends I’ve been fortunate enough to have.
If I’m raped, that’s my fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time…or for being too trusting and naive. If a friend takes money from me, again that is my fault for putting myself in the position to be stolen from. If Dave uses me and emotionally abuses me, that is my fault for letting him. If I tire of the abuse and fight back, it is my fault if I look like a crazy person, defending myself against “nothing”. If a friend stabs me in the back, that’s my fault for being naive enough to allow my back to be exposed. If Dave comes to my house, that’s my fault for letting him in or allowing him to stay. If I feel depressed, that’s my fault for not being stronger against these things that are just a part of life and society.
Was it an abusive childhood that created this huge self-responsibility and over zealous conscience for any and every negative thing that occurs to any person in any way in my life? Was it the ongoing acceptance of emotional abuse as I grew older and hoped to overcome the effects by being true and faithful to the extent of accepting responsibility until it became practical self-abuse? But blaming others never leads to change…
I suppose abused people have two choices at some point. They can blame others and stay the victim forever, never transforming their lives into anything better. Or, blame themselves and create such self-disgust that they don’t believe they deserve any better and so continue to accept the abuse on other levels. I have fledged about trying to find the balance in between. I have been unsuccessful in every attempt and every method of operation.
I have been struggling recently between absolute self-hatred and disgusting self-pity. Both are useless and negativity perpetuating. Occasionally for a brief period of time, I actually allow myself to be angry at the role others play in it all… Which seems to only fall back to blaming myself at being angry at others for my own choices. Self-anger then eventually results in depression and/or self-pity… another element I do not believe in and know is ineffective for change. The whole “woe is me” stance just pisses me off! Good heavens, that is useless and pathetic!
I feel trapped and beaten, with no one to blame but myself. It seems that to hide away and cover my head, close my eyes, cover my ears, and pray no one attacks is all that is left. Perhaps living that way will ultimately be a catalystto change? It does not seem hopeful, but today, after everything, seems my only option with which to protect or passively defend myself.
What happened to the light inside me? How and why have I allowed it to be extinguished? Who is this person who can’t believe and is trapped by chain of her own choosing? No one is a repeated “victim” without self responsibility. I have allowed this drastic, horrible change and I have to figure my way out. I have to muster up what’s left and fuel it somehow to make it stronger and protect it from all negative influence… Or else I remain a victim of myself and stuck in it all. I pray my prayers for srength and wisdom are someday answered.