Forks in the road

I’m so grateful for forks in the road!  My forks never have just two prongs, they have several just to keep things interesting and to help me maintain my persistent state of indecision.  Why can’t forks be only utensils with which to eat food?

Moving across the country has come up again.  Hmmm…..  It makes my head spin.  When I thought I was going to have to move awhile back, I was excited, scared, and I hate to admit, sad.  Presented with the opportunity again, I’m feeling most of those very same things.  Only perhaps with a slight less intensity.  Even that sad part.  Has my stubborn heart actually incremented forward??  Or is that just an illusion that comes with having a choice at this point?  I can think about moving without feeling overwhelmed with grief and loss today, but would I still have that ability if I knew it had to happen..was going to happen, as opposed to will happen only if I choose?  How can I make these type of drastic, life-altering choices when in so many confounding ways, it seems certain that my destiny, my every chance at happiness, might fly right out the window like an abandoned shoe on the highway if I move so far away?  Ewwwww…  I really don’t like thinking about this.  Yet, I do like it.  I like options.  They give me the opportunity to feel powerful and in control of my destiny.

I’m always torn between believing in destiny and believing in absolute free will.  I wish I knew for sure.  Free will seems far more likely than a planned inevitable destiny.  The end result of a choice at the fork must somehow alter the course of life.  It has to.  …or is that choice I think I’m making already part of the bigger plan?    Maybe I only think I have a choice, but that’s already been decided?  I sometimes comfort myself after a difficult choice by saying this was already my choice.  It was always going to be this, so why fret over the “what if I had made a different choice”?  I only use that for comfort though.  A tiny part of me will always wonder the what if’s and envision the different life and circumstances that would have ensued. Ewwww…there is where regret comes in to play and regret is a heinous, horrible feeling!  Maybe the concept of destiny eliminates that regret and is therefore more romantic and appealing…

For now, I think I’ll just eat with this fork and wish I had the answers…..to anything!

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Dating

Went on two (wow!) dates last night.    Then at 11 pm ended up at his house.  I was pulled there yesterday, but fought it.  As I drove home last night, I had no desire to fight it; I just went and, as always, hoped for the best.  I don’t seem to care what happens after, I just love being with him, talking to him, being next to him.  I just love being in his physical presence.  I feel washed with happiness and contentment.  I feel confident and secure.  I feel safe.  I feel drenched in hope… when it goes well….

He has “stopped drinking”.  Don’t know if I believe that, but it’s nice to see him home, not drinking on a Friday night.  Hell, it’s always just nice to see him either way!  Said he wanted to stop over earlier to watch a movie or something.  Don’t know if he did because I wasn’t home. 

Perhaps the fish ladder on Wednesday or Thursday?  Sounded hopeful, but I’ll not hold my breath. 

I gave in.  I almost didn’t, but I did.  I can’t go there and fight against the way I feel about him plus against that as well!  I’m not strong enough for that.  It feels different, but is that just coming from me?  My wishful thinking and stubborn hope?  I’ll never know, I only know it does feel differently.  He is kind and he smiles.  He snuggles, he laughs, without alcohol influencing his actions.  Guess it makes me hope it’s real for a change and not a haze he’s in.

Told him I had been on two dates.  He called me a “player dater”.  Me!  Hysterical!  Nahhhh..more like desperation to not love him anymore, but I’ll never tell him that.  He doesn’t really believe I’m playing anyway.  He’s funny when he wants to be.  I love that about him! 

Laughing next to him is the most wondrous, intoxicating sensation.  It comes from the deepest part of happiness inside me that rarely gets touched.  He touches it so easily.  He always has.

Guess I’m not much for dating after all, but hey, at least I’m trying!

Where is the catalyst to change?

How far does it have to go?  …Hit hard again by the consequences of my actions which stem directly from the consequences of the situation I allow.  The previous “hits” to my character have sucked away my self faith; the hits to my reputation have sucked away any sense of pride or esteem; the hits to my heart have stripped me of my lucious life-loving essence; and the hits to my soul have knocked me to my knees for so long I feel relatively handicapped in my basic survival and self-nurturing mechanisms.  Now, my physical life and everything I hold dear has been  directly and permanently affected.  He stole the freedom flowing through my spirit long ago and now my literal freedom is at stake and as always, I have no one to blame but myself.  It is all from my reactions to his actions.  Over time, I have learned not to react directly, but the ripple-effect on my self-stability endangers everything and creates an indirect response within my lack of actual response.  All of which affects only me and my life.  My no-response “reaction” has only served to protect him from any effects and then has put myself and the elements in my environment at stake.  As always, he is protected, by both myself and himself.  However, that has come from his  refusal to allow himself to be affected on any level, large or small.  The literal danger he has put me in, in order to always ensure that he remains safe.  This, plus my desire to keep him safe, has put all effects onto me, while he’s surrounded in a cocoon of both our protective measures.  Meanwhile, my back has ben exposed for an attack from anyone and everyone.  I don’t blame him for this.  Ultimately, I made that choice, not him; as he has chosen only to protect himself at whatever cost that comes to me and my life.  That is his right and responsibility, right?  I’ve been the one who has accepted these circumstances and in many ways encouraged and allowed them to continue.  As with the rest of this maddening perpetual cycle, I can blame only myself for the short and long term effects.

That certainly antagonizes the effects.  I don’t have the self-denial tool which allows me to blame him or anyone else for it all.  My self-awareness and sense of responsibility does not allow blame to be placed anywhere but myself for any of my difficult circumstances.  How free-ing it might feel to convince myself that its all his fault…to let myself really believe that even!  That has never been an option for me.  I can’t point a finger at him ever unless I also look honestly at the three fingers pointed back at me.  Will that ever create  a transformation inside me?  Will it ever be the catalyst for growth and change?  Will I ever be capable of honest self-reflection without beating myself up from the flaws in the mirror?  Otherwise, the honesty I insist upon seems to only serve to create more inner issues and thus, allow more outside abuse, as though it on proves somehow that I really do deserve such treatment.  Creating the question of, “Who am I to expect, much less demand, any thing different?”

When I have had enough from it all and stand up for myself, I’m acused of being mean, hateful, greedy, or just crazy.  I don’t wish the “others” any harm, I chose only to remove the majority of them from my life.  (All except him.)  That choice has been judged as “hateful”.  I’ve defended myself from the lies and horrible accusations from him, that choice has been judged as “crazy” and ironically even “stalking”!  I once (and once only) legally demanded reparation when I was financially manipulated by a friend to an extent that it affected my ability to take care of my family – that has been judged, “greedy” and “money-focused”.  Yet, not protecting myself from the “others’ has created so much pain and drama in my life that I didn’t know how else to make that stop.  I took responsibility for surrounding myself with terribly unhealthy and self-serving people, knowing that any repercussions which resulted was only my own fault for keeping those people as priorities in my life.  Thus, I walked away from them.  My defense of myself at the attack from him and his “friends” was done out of righteous indignation and ultimately only furthered and fueled their attacks on me.  Which, I’ve taken responsibility for as well.  The money I’ve loaned people who had no intentions to pay me back nor had any sense of gratitude, nor cared how not paying me back adversely affected my life, is my responsibility for loaning the money in the first place.  I may have in one  case taken legal steps to be paid back, but only after accepting that I’d been taken advantage of too many times in that way and not done anything about it; accepting responsibility that it had been my choice to loan money out in the first place and my choice to demand justice.  Each time I did not stand up for myself and just allowed victimization, I was labeled as a “willing victim”, who allows this.  Each time I have attempted to defend myself, although typically was a weak and futile defense, I’ve been characterized as  everything but a good, kind human being.  Who put me in this perpetual no-win situation?!??  Well, really, I have only myself to blame, right?  If I choose to remain blind and ignorant to the true motivations and character of the people I’ve surrounded myself with, then it is only my responsibility for what happens as a result.  If I choose to finally stand up for myself, then it is still only my fault for allowing myself to be in that position in the first place…  to accept that naivete and blind faith is a choice I’ve made and no one else.  I’m not really as “stupid” as those choices indicate.  Therefore, I’ve no excuse for allowing it to continue, except for my own stupid perpetual choices to keep believing.  So, how is it also a “negative” apect of my character to stop it by refusing to allow it anymore?  What are my other options?  I’m fresh out of tactics here….

Isolation is the only answer I come to again and again.  Cocoon myself from everyone at every level and then hopefully if I’m removed completely from any association or any action or reaction (even passivity), then I’m not even in the “game” at all.  Hopefully, it will some day become a struggle for them to blame and accuse me the longer and more completely I remove myself.  Hopefully…

On some level, I do not understand how the best of intentions and attempts to turn the other cheek, still somehow filter down to my accepting responsibility or every horrible deed done against me.  While, I am equally responsible for every horrible thing I’ve ever done or been aware was done to others as well.  I am responsible if I act.  Responsible if I react.  And responsible for being totally passive and doing nothing. 

Yet, I am not so large-at-life that I have responsibility for everything.  That is impossible!  How did I get myself in this position?  And how do I effectively get myself out when every possible option only furthers the negativity?  How did I get to the place where my only option seems to be absolute disconnection and non-association?  I don’t want to be who I am.  I don’t want to be so responsible when it means everything just falls back on me.  I want others to take their blame for their part as well.  I can’t possibly be totally and solely responsible, so who else carries the burden along with me?  No one really except the few (hopefully) true friends I’ve been fortunate enough to have. 

If I’m raped, that’s my fault for being in the wrong place at the wrong time…or for being too trusting and naive.  If a friend takes money from me, again that is my fault for putting myself in the position to be stolen from.  If Dave uses me and emotionally abuses me, that is my fault for letting him.  If I tire of the abuse and fight back, it is my  fault if I look like a crazy person, defending myself against “nothing”.  If a friend stabs me in the back, that’s my fault for being naive enough to allow my back to be exposed.  If Dave comes to my house, that’s my fault for letting him in or allowing him to stay.  If I feel depressed, that’s my fault for not being stronger against these things that are just a part of life and society.

Was it an abusive childhood that created this huge self-responsibility and over zealous conscience for any and every negative thing that occurs to any person in any way in my life?  Was it the ongoing acceptance of emotional abuse as I grew older and hoped to overcome the effects by being true and faithful to the extent of accepting responsibility until it became practical self-abuse?  But blaming others never leads to change…

I suppose abused people have two choices at some point.  They can blame others and stay the victim forever, never transforming their lives into anything better.  Or, blame themselves and create such self-disgust that they don’t believe they deserve any better and so continue to accept the abuse on other levels.  I have fledged about trying to find the balance in between.  I have been unsuccessful in every attempt and every method of operation.

I have been struggling recently between absolute self-hatred and disgusting self-pity.  Both are useless and negativity perpetuating.  Occasionally for a brief period of time, I actually allow myself to be angry at the role others play in it all…  Which seems to only fall back to blaming myself at being angry at others for my own choices.  Self-anger then eventually results in depression and/or self-pity…  another element I do not believe in and know is ineffective for change.  The whole “woe is me” stance just pisses me off!  Good heavens, that is useless and pathetic!

I feel trapped and beaten, with no one to blame but myself.  It seems that to hide away and cover my head, close my eyes, cover my ears, and pray no one attacks is all that is left.  Perhaps living that way will ultimately be a catalystto change?  It does not seem hopeful, but today, after everything, seems my only option with which to protect or passively defend myself.

What happened to the light inside me?  How and why have I allowed it to be extinguished?  Who is this person who can’t believe and is trapped by chain of her own choosing?  No one is a repeated “victim” without self responsibility.  I have allowed this drastic, horrible change and I have to figure my way out.  I have to muster up what’s left and fuel it somehow to make it stronger and protect it from all negative influence…  Or else I remain a victim of myself and stuck in it all.  I pray my prayers for srength and wisdom are someday answered.

One wish

If a fairy came to me right now and granted me one wish, what would it be?  What is one thing that would help create lasting love and ecstasy in my heart?  What is one thing that would help better direct me to full and beautiful transformation?

For years now, I have thought that resurrecting the gorgeous, fulfilling relationship I had with Dave would bring me lasting happiness.  But have I thought that only because that’s the major primary source of the heart liberating joy I once knew?  Maybe that was just a small thing compared to the possibilities I’m not even yet aware of?  It’s difficult to fathom that because it was my first experience with healthy, happy love and since I haven’t known much of that throughout my life, maybe the concept of better is out there and I just cannot comprehend it?  Would I want it back?  Is there more possible that I’ve yet to even imagine? The experiences we’ve gone through over the past few years must have changed us both.  Is it possible to get something from the past back?  Or do you always get something different?  There was nothing I wanted to change about him then.  I did want to change myself though and it seemed so effortless to be something fantastic when he loved and adored me.  I’ve made many changes now, but he has too, so what would that mean?  Would we be the same together, only even better for the changes that have occurred?  Or would we be a complete mis-match now? Would we only bring each other more misery if we started anew?  Would we just bring more wisom and experience to the table?

I believed for so long that if we could get through all that has happened, then we would be truly unbelievably strong and nothing could ever shake us again…and I’ve always added that as a bonus concept to the healthy relationship we once shared.  Is it possible to go through so much and come back together for something as good or better?

I think I might be afraid to make that my wish.  What if it was granted and it wasn’t a good thing anymore?  And then I’d have wasted a once in a lifetime opportunity to have one wish.

I think I’m better off wishing for world peace.  I want joy and love to be everywhere,  inside  everyone.  It would make the whole world a better place and not just my miniscule little corner…  Dang, I am such a cheesy cliche’ lately!