We are one

I sat in a group of people today.  People I don’t know, most I have never seen, and all with their own stories to tell and the lives and mistakes they’ve lived.  Once upon a time, I would have thought I was different from them…maybe better, maybe worse, maybe more, maybe less…  but always different.

It ocurred to me as I looked around the room, that I’m am everyone of them.  All the bad and all the good, no better, probably no worse.  I could see myself in every face.  It was amazing!

I am so grateful for all my blessings.  Mark’s understanding and lack of judgment, Judy’s friendship, the fake friends I’ve walked away from, my phenomenal children. our home, my father, God, and every tiny thing that happens to me which prompts me toward change and understanding.

Indignation

I have the divorce and I’m grateful for that.  I want an annullment.  I’ve wanted this for several years now since shortly after the divorce.  I can’t understand why my ex-husband refuses to cooperate!  We are legally divorced, so why would he be unwilling to give me the information the church requires for an annullment?  This is confounding and frustrating! 

And why on earth would his girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with during our marriage) also not want to cooperate with an annullment?  Because she is so jealous, I’ve even skipped requesting the information from him, in an attempt to honor her insecurities and their relationship.  I’ve given her the control…going to her to request the information so my attempts could not be misconstrued as an attempt to connect with him.  I would think she would be delighted for the church to disregard one of her boyfriend’s previous marriages?  If we were granted an annullment, she would no longer be guilty of the sin of adultery.  Seems it would benefit everyone involved and do no harm whatsoever to a single soul.  

Please, someone explain to me why these people won’t cooperate with this?  It is such a simple and mutually beneficial endeavor that I must be completely missing a critical element that stands as a huge deterrent for them.  This makes no sense at all to me! 

Why should this be so difficult?  If they are going to prevent me from obtaining an annullment of a senseless, horrible marriage…  if they are so madly in love as they want people to believe…  if they are going to spend the rest of their lives together……….  WHY?????

If they are going to choose to stand in my way with this, I desperately wish I could at least understand why…

Love floats

The answers aren’t going to come, are they?  Nothing will clear itself to black and white.  It’s cloaked in confusion and my good will.  Is it my good will which clouds the issue?  Or is it love?

Love started out as my greatest source of confusion.  I love you.  No, I really love you only if…  That’s the source of it and people put their fingers in it, and stir around to cloud it further…

I love you, but…  I love you if…  You’re wonderful, if only…  Exactly where in that is love itself?  Stipulations and conditions do not define love and have no place in it.  They have a distinct place in mutually satisfying negotiations, not love.  Love has no distinct edge and the stipulations placed on it are sourced from our fears and selfishness, the very opposite of love.

Love floats and falls softly or whips you off your feet like a gust of wind.  Still there are no edges, except that edge which you might have to jump from to embrace it fully.  If it hurts, that is from self.  If it scares, that is from fear.  Love requires removing the vision of self from the heart and feeling only unity and oneness.  We are all one.  When all sense of separate self is removed from the equation, only love remains and it cannot hurt anyone from it’s pure viewpoint.  It feathers the fall because love floats.

The truthful liar

“Sometimes dishonesty is provoked/motivated by great love.”             ~Oscarandre

I read this today in another blog.  It keeps running through my mind; the sentence leaves its muddy footprints all over and I can’t wipe them clean.  It is validating to me that another person wrote this.  And so I sing, “For he’s the jolly good fellow!”

It’s an odd realization that I started out so opinionated, self righteous, full of my own ethical concepts, and so damned certain of it all.  I think of most people my parents’ age and they don’t seem to struggle with the same ethical questions and challenging life choices as I.  If I started out certain and I (might) end up certain again (although certain of entirely different things via personal experience and learned wisdom) later on, then is it just in the middle that everything goes haywire?

In the past few years, I have learned that honesty is not black and white.  I prided myself for most of my life at being this incredibly honest person.  And I was honest for the most part, but I still would tell those little white lies to save another’s feelings or occasionally maybe to prevent an argument or unwanted confrontation.  When a few years ago I suddenly experienced an honesty BLOW OUT.  I was accused of being a “liar”…cruelly and repeatedly accused.  And although I still can see that particular situation from several angles and am not convinced that it does, in fact, make me a “liar”, it forced me to look at my own definition of honesty, as well as question my truth-telling integrity.  If a lie is a lie is a lie, then I’m doing wrong when I tell my friend she doesn’t look fat and I’m every bit as wtong were I to lie about anything else.  Where are the degrees in lying? 

From there, I think it must be directly proportionate to the outcome and the intention from the lack of truth?  Is it to save senselessly hurting another?   To save my own ass?  To cover a mistake?  Are those where the possible degrees of lying come in to effect?  Having told a BIG selfish lie (with distinct “protect anothers’ feeling undertones”), and being called a liar from that choice, my entire perception of lying altered. 

Another question, if I tell one “big” lie am I a “liar”?  Like the “once a cheater, always a cheater” theory?  Is a person who cheats one time really a life-long cheater?  I used to believe so.  However, even prior to my “big lie”, I still felt there was a huge difference between telling a lie in certain (perhaps understandable?) circumstances and just tossing out lies all the time…  or lying regularly for some type of personal gain.  Huge difference!  Unless of course, the lie was told to me and then it’s a little more difficult to find understanding and compassion for the reason behind the lie and somewhat impossible to view that lie objectively.

My big lie was “motivated by great love”.  The greatest love I ever knew, actually.  I can’t say honestly there was no self-service to this lie, but the predominant motivation was love.  Sometimes a mistake is a mistake is a mistake and you’ve realized prior to even completing the mistake that you’ve erred.  At that point the ball is rolling and you’re wrapped in the tangled web of it all, spinning you into a cocoon of deceit which you’d do anything to go back in time and have a mulligan.

If you’ve learned the lesson before you’ve even been caught in the deceit, it is really necessary to own it?  I mean, necessary for anyone/anything but your own peace of mind?   If at that point, you’re going to do more damage by coming clean, you already have regret consuming you, then is coming clean merely for the idea of giving another permission to punish you as they see fit?  Does this balance the karma from the deceit?  Does the other person affected by the lie have to have the opportunity to hurt and punish in order for the karmic scale to balance?  Aren’t you creating additional negativity with the pain from the other person? ….resulting in more karma to be balanced?  As I hold each in my hands and try to find that inner scale, I definitely feel the pain of another human being feels entirely heavier than the deception itself.  Although in no way should this be allowed to become a habitual practice.

I will never be the person who is brutally honest.  I’m just not going to be that.  I do know now though that I will never again tell a “big” lie.  However, my primary goal from this experience is to never again make a choice that leads to the necessity of a big lie.

Time bleeding…

I heard that Leona Lewis (?) song on the way home from yoga class last night.  Although I’ve heard it so many times before, it really got me to thinking as I was driving in my relaxed post-yoga state.

“You cut me open and I keep bleeding love…”  …or something like that….

Cutting me open…over and over….then allowing me to heal…just to cut me open in the exact same spot the moment I have a tender healing wound in place.  If I keep bleeding from there (bleeding love, or blood, or time, or whatever the heck comes out of there every time he slashes me in that very same spot), do I eventually bleed it all out? Or does that spot become thicker and thicker with the scar tissue so that he has to slash harder to get “whatever” to bleed out?  Or do both occcur simultaneously?

I could feel it bleeding for so long and I believe it once was love that oozed out with every vicious slash… and now I’m not so sure what the heck is dripping from that nasty gash now.  I kept thinking I had to stop bleeding eventually.  It only makes sense that there’s no limitless supply of anything, right?  I feel strangely disconnected in that very connection now and it’s awkward to say the least.  I now have no idea what on earth is happening.  Not sure I even have an intelligent guess-timate anymore.  I am perplexed.

I never meant to hurt Josh.  He seems to be a victim of my wound as well and that was never my intention or desire.  I feel angry that I’ve allowed anyone else to hurt from this ridiculous nightmare.  I wouldn’t have even tried, had I honestly thought this would happen.     And in your hurt, please don’t be cruel.  Please know it was truly accidental and circumstantial.  Maybe I deserve cruelty for not being honest with myself and allowing this to get to this point…  I wasn’t trying to deceive you, I was hoping to deceive myself.  In my own strange way, I was attempting complete  honesty with you even in spite of my own denial.  However, that becomes rather challenging, doesn’t it?  Clear honesty there seems to be a massive cloudy gray area of ambiguity.

That said, isn’t intent everything?  Intent is really the only substance of anything.  Call me biased, but it seems to me that even our legal system changes up the punishment according to intent.  Damage done is damage done, yet it’s the intent that defines the crime overall.  However, that never seems to make the victims feel any better.  Damage done is the same.  Aftermath is the same, regardless of intent.  Only the punishment varies.

It was never her intent to hurt you.  And she can’t stand knowing she’s upset anyone!  She can’t know how to stop the bleeding and it’s now oozing the essence of her time… so she feels a similar sense of urgency as you, on an entirely different issue which unfortunately conflicts with yours.  Time wasted, time spent, time passing, it takes time, time, time, time.  Time will tell.  Time makes her skin crawl.  Time makes her smile.  Time pisses her off.  At times she is so hot, her skin gets all prickly and then suddenly she’s freezing at the very same time.  She shivers and shakes from the heat.  Is this the sensation of the passage of time oozing from her?  Making her run away from it? …or run to catch up with it?  Please try to forgive her.  She often forgets which direction she is running and why she started running in the first place.  There is only this constant sense of urgency to run.  She hears Jennie saying, “Ruuuuunnnnnn Forest, RUN…”

What is expected of her?  For Pete’s sake!!  There was nothing but good intention, please keep that in mind.

The girl in the grass

 

The girl in the grass has grace

She dances naked with thoughts 

of peaceful passion.

She aches to run barefoot through your dreams

bestowing delicate footprints and scattering daisies about

In randomly beautiful patterns.

 

She embraces your heart in warm light with her thoughts

You do not have to understand her or believe in her; she is there.

She waits in the tall green grass of what is always there.

Wanting you to remember your heart

Offering you the grace of forgiveness

Longing for you to know joy.

 

Skipping across the map of your soul

She drops tiny white petals of love as she goes

leaving behind the green stems of your forgotten memories

Wrap yourself in the innocence of her devotion

And find your way home.

The girl in the grass has grace.