Bit broken down and whatnot, but was encouraged by a dear soul to write anyway…. (thank you, my friend!)
Reflecting lately on hindsight…wondering why foresight can’t be 20/20?? And contemplating second chances..who gets them? Under what circumstances should a 2nd chance not be granted? Pit party mode: Why can’t I be in the good graces of 2nd chances, anyway? Some get so very many “2nd” chances, while rarely get one…..
Obviously, I fall into the “no 2nd chances” category for whatever reason…the higher powers that be have deemed me unworthy of such grace… and within that frame, I swallow the bitter lesson that perhaps it is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I mean, who said that anyway? Whoever it was certainly had more grace and gratitude than I!
Losing a love is excruciatingly painful…and after all, before you’ve loved, you can’t even know what you’re missing, so…hmmm……??
No, I have decided I would rather not have loved at all…. Would I miss all the beautiful memories of being loved, feeling loved, figuring out what love is? Oh yeah…but I’d not know that I missed it at all, so better off, I believe I’d be!
On the other hand, were I more gratefully graceful, I could confess that I have once been loved deeply and far beyond my expectations. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready for something so huge? I sure didn’t know how to appreciate it fully or accept it as reality until it was long gone from my life. So, instead, I spent 2 years in bliss I never fathomed prior and three years desperately trying to make up for losing it…beating myself up every inch of the way, as though that might make me worthy of a second chance….
No such luck. No second chances. Just vivid, painful hindsight and sweet memories that sting with the heartache of that hindsight. Memories which haunt my every waking (and sleeping!) hour. Memories that tear at my soul, rip at my self worth and shred my ability to forgive myself my erroneous errors.
I’d like to think that perhaps it wouldn’t have lasted even if I hadn’t erred………….but that’s not something I can convince myself of because the evidence proves it would have… Evidence shows it was the greatest, purest chance at love that I may ever have…and I couldn’t see that until it was too late…. And hard as Humpty tried to put it together again, alas, it could not be done…. Too little…too late..ahhh cliche’…
Maybe there’s only one chance at such depths of love, in order to learn that second chances aren’t a given in any situation, so I’d better get it right the first time from now on…if there’s ever another chance to demonstrate what I’ve learned from this experience…. Haha… I suppose it’s called once in a lifetime love because the opportunity comes only once…..
Yes, I would most definitely erase every beautiful memory, so I could live blissfully in ignorance of what love can be…and pooh-pah in hindight’s hateful mean face!
However, as that is not an option, instead, I get to trudge on, hoping it all makes sense someday….and hanging onto everyv possible shred of hope that nothing is ever final…until it’s final…