30.5

I shouldn’t have been so hateful in my messages.  Yet, there was nothing truly hateful in them from the aspect he gave the situation.  The messages responded appropriately to his hardened words and actions.  If he feels nothing, then there’s no such thing as a hateful or hurtful response.

IC response:  30.5. -> 13:  Tears and lamenting.  I guess the messages did hurt him, in spite of the cold and nonchalant exterior he demonstrated prior.  I am sorry…  Or am I?  No, I definitely am. 

Interesting interp of the fan yao: 13.5:

13.5: ” Men bound in friendship first weep and lament,
But afterward they laugh.
After great struggles they succeed in meeting.

Two people are outwardly separated but in their hearts the are united. They are kept apart by their positions in life. Many difficulties and obstructions arise between them and cause them grief. But, remaining true to each other, they allow nothing to separate them, and although it costs them a severe struggle to overcome the obstacles, they will succeed. When they come together their sadness will change to joy.”
-Wilhelm

Reminds me of his last drunken visit on January 9.  Him: Do you not understand how much I love you?   Me: Please be quiet. You love only your friends, not me.  Him:  My friends don’t matter.  Me:  You are drunk… I can’t believe anything you say, remember?  Please just tell me a story about a little boy who lost his kite. 

Him: No, I’ve a better story.  Once there was a girl and a boy who loved each other deeply.  They were very happy together for a time, but then lots of people and things came in between them, but their love was so deep, nothing could stop it. (Insert drunken mumbling here.)

Me:  What?  What happened next?  Him:  (More drunken mumbling…blah, blah, blah, kitty?)  Me:  What happened?  They got a KITTY???  (I pounce on him here in excitement.)  Him:  No, they didn’t get a kitty.  Never mind. Me:  NO…what happened then?  They didn’t get a kitty?  Him: No, they didn’t.  I said they had a child together.

Me:  Ahhhhh….they have a kid.  Was it a little boy with dark hair, great big green eyes and a beautiful smile? Him:  I think it was…   Me:  And they named him David?   Him:  No, they don’t name him David.  I don’t like juniors.  I’d never name my son Dave.  Me:  Awww, I think they should’ve named him David.  I love the name David!  That’s a shame…and they really should have gotten a kitty!

More promises and proclamations of love, etc., etc., etc throughout the night…  Several days later:  I feel nothing for you.  We only have a strong sexual attraction.  Nothing else.  I don’t know why I say those things.  Probably because I’m drunk.  Okay….whatever… jack ass.  Cruel.

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3 thoughts on “30.5

  1. hap says:

    i too should not have been so hateful in my messages. shouldn’t have put myself out there again when she wasn’t interested. had given up on me.

    your writing is beautiful, your open hearted journey inspiring. thank you for reminding me it is okay.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and compliments hap.
      The story/journey which caused me to begin this blog … Did *not* end happily, so I pretty much gave up on the blog as well. It got tiresome to not really ever have any positive to say, but just sadness…
      I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a similar experience recently. Matters of the heart…. They’re the real killers and saviors and craziness all in one, huh?

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