time for a change?

Looking at my blog, I realize my title doesn’t  seem to apply any more.  Haven’t really felt all that loving in some time…and I certainly am not currently any kind of loving buffet for the masses…  I could re-name it Bitter Betty’s Random Thoughts or You bet I’m a bitch, wanna hear about it?   Perhaps a blanket cliché of I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!   Maybe… <Insert swear word HERE>  Hmmm…so many more appropriate options for a blog so full of way more madness than grace and the journey hasn’t even been all that delicious in a while really!

The Nasty Takeover of Polly Anna?

The Last Ridiculous Girl Scout finally goes Renegade?

Yet, I hesitate to make any drastic changes. Whoaaaa Nelly…pump your breaks pal!  Let’s not get all excited… One never knows when the bitter, pissed off side might dwindle again and my loving, optimistic counterpart will come out in full force for one last hoop-la. 

Ahhhhh  I’m just not feeling all that creative today….

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Discombobulated

Out of sorts of course because I went there yesterday morning.  Had a safety plan in place, but of course that didn’t work.  And wondering why I go anywhere of my own volition where I feel the need to have a “safety plan”.  My masochistic side must run deep and rampant after everything.

Nope. Didn’t work. Of course it didn’t!  Who do I think I’m foolin’,  kiddin’, and messin’ with here?  As though any feeble attempt at controlling the situation in any way would be successful…  I am the definition of insanity at work every day and attempting to function.  My tiny, respectful demand was ignored…and I allowed that because I don’t have enough backbone anymore to even look out for my own self interest in even tiny, feeble, pathetic ways…

Yukkk…  I am discombobulated and disgusted.

Actually flirted (!!) with someone Thursday night and the immediate response is to run to him first ting Friday morning, as though I’ve got something to make up for.  It’s a weird game I’m playing with pretty much myself and it makes no sense!

Every Little Kiss

3 o’clock in the morning and I wake up with Bruce Hornsby’s Every Little Kiss running through my mind!  Can’t recall the last time I heard that song!!  How on earth did it end up in my head in the wee hours of the morning, waking me up?

Accupuncture yesterday was incredible!!  I had the most beautiful vision of my daughters and I walking along a path with big gorgeous green trees on either side.  The sun shining between them down on us while we held hands.  Shiny ribbons of soft light linked us, light that moved and breathed flexibly.  Confidence and happiness surrounding us like a bubble of protection.  Mark was there too somehow, only not in the vision specifically… maybe just off to the side a little?  It was refreshing and invigorating…comforting.  The ribbons that linked us, the light that surrounded us was love.  It was the strength of our love keeping us safe.  And with all the questions and doubts, wonderings, opportunities and choices, somehow I knew we were taking the right path.  This was the right one for us.  And I think it was leading us to Mark in Vegas maybe…?  Not sure, but that’s what it seemed.  No trees like that in Vegas though and I sure do love the trees – great big woody green yummy trees! Wondrous sources of protection in their own right, I suppose…

Having vivid dreams since returning fron Vegas vacation.  Waking early in the morning again too:-(  Somehow waking at 3 or 4 am in Vegas wasn’t as frustrating.  Maybe since I knew it was actually 6 or 7 am here?  It was peaceful that time of the morning there.  I could sit outside on the patio, watch the stars in quiet reverance and drink in the moonlight, letting it wash over me like a fountain of natural life giving energy.  I didn’t expect the moon to be so bright so close to the city!

Dreamt of BZ the night before last.  It was a nice dream.  I missed her and I told her so, of course.  We were catching up on everything.  I don’t really miss her like that, but in my dream I did?  Wonder why?  Or maybe I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings in my dream because I felt like I’m supposed to miss her?

On my way to accupuncture yesterday, I saw DK.  He was pacing in front of his house on his cell phone, wearing a red hoodie with the hood up.  I stopped to ask if he was okay (gosh!?) and he hung up his phone laughing snidely.  As soon as he said he was okay, just waiting for his “buddy to pick him up for the gym”, I was backing out of his driveway, even as he was speaking.  I did not want him to mistake my stop for anything but a caring for his well being and safety, nor give him the chance to think it was anything else whatsoever.  I would stop like that for  anyone I know in my neighborhood who looked as though they might need some help.  Knowing he was fine, made me kick myself for stopping, even so briefly.  What am I trying to do?  I had such wonderfully happy energy yesterday.  Was I trying to make sure it drained away into misery?  I somehow always feel safe like that; safe to push the limits…  as though he can’t affect me even if he does try.  Yet, I truly know better.  I cannot dance with the devil without the agony of having my spirit manipulated.  Nor does he ever need my help really…at least not the kind of “help” I have to offer.  So, why did I even bother stopping to see that snide, sly smirk on his face. 

I know he got our letters telling him to stay away.  All three of us sent them and I have to hope he might honor that.  I made a subtle threat in mine to call the police if he shows up again.  Not an outright threat, as I know my own limits, but a subtle innuendo that I’m hoping will make him think twice and at least worry a little that I might actually mean it….  Worry enough to stay away, I hope!

The strangest sense of serenity

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

He loves me....He loves me not...

It is just as Morgana predicted.  I am not devastated right now.  There is a peaceful sense of all is as it should be.  I am a little hurt and disappointed.  I am unsure as to how to respond from here on out.  Love is the answer.  It is good that he can be so accepting of others’ faults.  I used to wonder why I don’t get that same grace and mercy.  Is it because he only sees my faults, but is truly blinded to others?  Why would that be?  Because his heart opened to me.  He allowed love to flow freely and expectantly.  Does he do that now with her?  My voice says, not if he has a lick of sense, but am I clouding that with my own selfish desires?  Are they even my desires or is it merely habit and stubbornness which leads and guides me?  I have wanted whatc I lost for so long I don’t know what I lst anymore.  I’ve forgotten what it was.   Let me see….my keys?  my right shoe?  My hairbrush?  What was it I lost?  What was I just looking for? 

I loved his high standards!  I wished I hadn’t disappointed them.  So now he’s willing to accept that on a level all its own?  If the standard isdrunkenness, promiscuity and cheating, then there can be no hurt or disappointment.  Is that really safer than opening the heart?  My heart, my existence has everything he once claimed was important for love.  Required, actually…  So, we lower our requirements in order to prevent being hurt again?  I hope that is the right path for him.  I hope she doesn’t do what she’s always done and break him down further.  Is that possible?  I wouldn’t think so,  if he knows her and he should know her.  She has hidden herself in so many ways from him, while being so up front.  Please don’t tell Dave…  Why should I not?  I won’t tell Dave…because I’d not want him to think badly of you.   He shouldn’t know the truth.  That way you can deceive him.  Okay.  I’ll never tell.  In fact, I’ll even color everything beautifully so he’ll be completely naive to who you are, while thinking he knows you best.

Honesty.  Why wasn’t I more honest?  Would it have made any difference anyway?  Is real devoted love just too blind for it to make a difference?  Is what he has for her real love?  If so, then it makes sense that he can’t or won’t see, but was ever so eager to embrace those qualities in me.  She has those qualities.  Well, she had them.  I don’t know her today to be able to say with confidence.  Maybe she has changed and is truly a devoted, grateful person who will be the faithful, perfect love that he claimed to believe I was?  If that’s what he has for her, then I can only hope that she can somehow become something that will value him and not repeat his pain.

Why was I so willing to hide the truth about her to him?  Why is he so willing to have it hidden?  While harshly exposing every tiny flaw in me and putting it under a magnifying glass to make it so huge as to blind him to seeing anything else…  She gets the rose colored glasses, while I got the magnifying glass.  Is that real love?  If his love for me was real, would I have gotten the rose colored glasses?  Or is it the other way around?

It’s a good thing I decided to look.  The pain that burns through me is healthy.  Perhaps it will free me from my heart?  Perhaps it will be strong enough to finally break the cords that bind us?

If I can just be still inside this pain, then I will be enlightened…  Be still.  Serenity.  Breathe into it.  The most frightening part is that it’s not even all that painful anymore.  What has happened when the soul can be stabbed and it feels like a minor scratch; the kind that you hardly notice until you look down and think, Hmm….I’m bleeding!  Now, how did that happen?

What does that mean?  That my love is less?  That my love is more?  Or that I am just hardened to the pain?  Numb to hopes crashing.  Accustomed to it all like an old faithful chair.  I sit in the chair, even as the sharp knives of its broken coils pierce my flesh and as the lumpy cushions envelope all around me, I merely say Ahhhh….I know this

I have been ultimately conditioned for this all my life and finally it’s complete.  I can’t feel it anymore.  I know he will realize.  That is inevitable.  I don’t choose to feel the pain of thateither.  That just might be the un-doing of every moment of harsh conditioning which has been leading up to this very moment of knowing peace with pain.  Then, I would be in danger once more and it is good to be comfortable now.  Finally.  After everything.  Ahhhhhhhh….I know this.

Forks in the road

I’m so grateful for forks in the road!  My forks never have just two prongs, they have several just to keep things interesting and to help me maintain my persistent state of indecision.  Why can’t forks be only utensils with which to eat food?

Moving across the country has come up again.  Hmmm…..  It makes my head spin.  When I thought I was going to have to move awhile back, I was excited, scared, and I hate to admit, sad.  Presented with the opportunity again, I’m feeling most of those very same things.  Only perhaps with a slight less intensity.  Even that sad part.  Has my stubborn heart actually incremented forward??  Or is that just an illusion that comes with having a choice at this point?  I can think about moving without feeling overwhelmed with grief and loss today, but would I still have that ability if I knew it had to happen..was going to happen, as opposed to will happen only if I choose?  How can I make these type of drastic, life-altering choices when in so many confounding ways, it seems certain that my destiny, my every chance at happiness, might fly right out the window like an abandoned shoe on the highway if I move so far away?  Ewwwww…  I really don’t like thinking about this.  Yet, I do like it.  I like options.  They give me the opportunity to feel powerful and in control of my destiny.

I’m always torn between believing in destiny and believing in absolute free will.  I wish I knew for sure.  Free will seems far more likely than a planned inevitable destiny.  The end result of a choice at the fork must somehow alter the course of life.  It has to.  …or is that choice I think I’m making already part of the bigger plan?    Maybe I only think I have a choice, but that’s already been decided?  I sometimes comfort myself after a difficult choice by saying this was already my choice.  It was always going to be this, so why fret over the “what if I had made a different choice”?  I only use that for comfort though.  A tiny part of me will always wonder the what if’s and envision the different life and circumstances that would have ensued. Ewwww…there is where regret comes in to play and regret is a heinous, horrible feeling!  Maybe the concept of destiny eliminates that regret and is therefore more romantic and appealing…

For now, I think I’ll just eat with this fork and wish I had the answers…..to anything!

Knock, knock or not?

Thought I heard a soft knock on my door last night.  Didn’t go investigate partly out of the fear that it was someone(him) and partly out of the fear that it was only my imagination playing tricks on me.  If someone was there, I don’t think I’m strong enough yet to ignore it or send him home (“Go home, Dave”).  I didn’t want to risk displaying that weakness.  I think it’s that weakness which is partly responsible for getting me to my current situation and I must overcome that.  If I’m not happy with the way things are going/have gone, then I must insist on change or accept the current circumstances with the insanity that comes along with it.  If the definition of insanityis doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, then I have to do it differently or gratefully accept the insanity that comes along with my repetitive actions/reactions.  I have no choice.  This has gone on long enough.  Enough…still liking that word.  I repeat it in my mind for strength.

I’ve made no contact with him at all.  Today it’s been one full week.  I need to focus on that small success and allow it to keep growing and developing into something greater every moment that I succeed in my task.  The outcome doesn’t matter anymore really.  I merely have to remain true to myself and know that the best for my life will happen…whatever that might be.

I regret I must decline

I spent one day considering his proposition, which was the very same proposition he offered me two years ago upon splitting.  I wrote him a letter that I must decline, but thanks for the offer.  I left the note on his door.  I also rescinded my offer to fix him dinner Friday night, claiming I had a prior commitment…

No word from him since and I don’t expect one any time soon either.  The day before yesterday when I wrote this note and dropped it off, I had a feeling of such strength.  I felt confident that his offer was insulting then and even more so now and that I was worthy of so much more.  It was in indignation that I wrote that short note.  I treasured that.  I was truly uplifted by the strength of my convictions which I’ve shoved aside again and again throughout this horrible ordeal, which has turned into a waking nightmare.

However, WHY is being strong and standing up for myself – doing what I know is right and best for my life and well-being always turn around very shortly after and suck all the life and hope out of me?   What has become of a person whom the thing that brings her the most hope and joy is the only thing she needs to let go?   I’ve thought of this often over the past few years when I watch movies.  So many movies end with the person who was downtrodden (or whatever) overcoming and standing up for himself (or herself).  The ending is that glorious moment of triumph that leaves us feeling so good inside; filling us with hope.  And I think, what happens the next day?  The next day when the repercussions of their choice settles into their life, do they maintain that feeling of triumphant strength?  Real life brings you immediately back to reality, where you’re sitting in the consequences of your decision room, usually all alone because those are yours alone and no one else can sit in that room with you?

I suppose I just clutched tightly to my few moments of righteous indignation, allowed it to carry me high, and acted on it right then before I could let the worry of this (right now) settling in. And now, I sit with it all, alone and feeling sick to my stomach.  I can’t sleep since I left the note.  Hell, I couldn’t sleep before I left the note!  Who in the hell am I kidding here?

A choice of the lesser of two evils (which I use for lack of a better term) doesn’t always feel so right afterward.  Don’t you wonde after, if it really was the lesser that you chose?  Or am I the only person who is filled with such overwhelming self doubt (in this specific area) that I can’t sit happily with either choice, but had to make a choice…since not making one for the past few years has made one for me.

I keep telling myself, “You must be strong.  You’ve done the right thing”.  But honestly, must I ?   Have I ?  Is this going to be one of those damned things that sits in the vast ocean of wonder and doubt, unsettling my mind and soul forever?  How can that be?  It certainly feeels like I’ll be drowning in self-doubt over this forever, sitting in that ocean and without my life jacket of hope to keep me afloat. 

How pathetic it’s become when the only source of hopefulness is the very thing that pulls one under as well?  Is having hope or self respect more important in life?  I do not know right now because whenever I finally choose one, the other seems more vital!  Damnit!!