God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
It is just as Morgana predicted. I am not devastated right now. There is a peaceful sense of all is as it should be. I am a little hurt and disappointed. I am unsure as to how to respond from here on out. Love is the answer. It is good that he can be so accepting of others’ faults. I used to wonder why I don’t get that same grace and mercy. Is it because he only sees my faults, but is truly blinded to others? Why would that be? Because his heart opened to me. He allowed love to flow freely and expectantly. Does he do that now with her? My voice says, not if he has a lick of sense, but am I clouding that with my own selfish desires? Are they even my desires or is it merely habit and stubbornness which leads and guides me? I have wanted whatc I lost for so long I don’t know what I lst anymore. I’ve forgotten what it was. Let me see….my keys? my right shoe? My hairbrush? What was it I lost? What was I just looking for?
I loved his high standards! I wished I hadn’t disappointed them. So now he’s willing to accept that on a level all its own? If the standard isdrunkenness, promiscuity and cheating, then there can be no hurt or disappointment. Is that really safer than opening the heart? My heart, my existence has everything he once claimed was important for love. Required, actually… So, we lower our requirements in order to prevent being hurt again? I hope that is the right path for him. I hope she doesn’t do what she’s always done and break him down further. Is that possible? I wouldn’t think so, if he knows her and he should know her. She has hidden herself in so many ways from him, while being so up front. Please don’t tell Dave… Why should I not? I won’t tell Dave…because I’d not want him to think badly of you. He shouldn’t know the truth. That way you can deceive him. Okay. I’ll never tell. In fact, I’ll even color everything beautifully so he’ll be completely naive to who you are, while thinking he knows you best.
Honesty. Why wasn’t I more honest? Would it have made any difference anyway? Is real devoted love just too blind for it to make a difference? Is what he has for her real love? If so, then it makes sense that he can’t or won’t see, but was ever so eager to embrace those qualities in me. She has those qualities. Well, she had them. I don’t know her today to be able to say with confidence. Maybe she has changed and is truly a devoted, grateful person who will be the faithful, perfect love that he claimed to believe I was? If that’s what he has for her, then I can only hope that she can somehow become something that will value him and not repeat his pain.
Why was I so willing to hide the truth about her to him? Why is he so willing to have it hidden? While harshly exposing every tiny flaw in me and putting it under a magnifying glass to make it so huge as to blind him to seeing anything else… She gets the rose colored glasses, while I got the magnifying glass. Is that real love? If his love for me was real, would I have gotten the rose colored glasses? Or is it the other way around?
It’s a good thing I decided to look. The pain that burns through me is healthy. Perhaps it will free me from my heart? Perhaps it will be strong enough to finally break the cords that bind us?
If I can just be still inside this pain, then I will be enlightened… Be still. Serenity. Breathe into it. The most frightening part is that it’s not even all that painful anymore. What has happened when the soul can be stabbed and it feels like a minor scratch; the kind that you hardly notice until you look down and think, Hmm….I’m bleeding! Now, how did that happen?
What does that mean? That my love is less? That my love is more? Or that I am just hardened to the pain? Numb to hopes crashing. Accustomed to it all like an old faithful chair. I sit in the chair, even as the sharp knives of its broken coils pierce my flesh and as the lumpy cushions envelope all around me, I merely say Ahhhh….I know this…
I have been ultimately conditioned for this all my life and finally it’s complete. I can’t feel it anymore. I know he will realize. That is inevitable. I don’t choose to feel the pain of thateither. That just might be the un-doing of every moment of harsh conditioning which has been leading up to this very moment of knowing peace with pain. Then, I would be in danger once more and it is good to be comfortable now. Finally. After everything. Ahhhhhhhh….I know this.