WTF!?!! thoughts (or How on Earth did I get so lucky?)

After some reflection from Wednesday evening’s events, I’ve formulated some thoughts and questions…

1.  On what planet does a married professional woman who gives blow jobs in bar parking lots to men she’s just met feel righteous in judging others as parents or even human beings in general?

2.  A married woman claiming she’s desperate for friendship who sees nothing “all that” wrong in sleeping with her friends’ lover?   And then hanging her friend’s character out to dry, just for good measure? 

What is that? Is that okay?  Do the moral aspects of a person’s character or life even have any bearing at all on these questions?  Do we keep all of this stuff separate while we are wearing our judge’s robe and gossiping through our journalist’s megaphone?  When judging others should it be just about them, where the judge remains beyond reproach? 

Hey, I heard Susie has been cheating on her husband for years!   

Oh really, so have you…

Maybe so, but this is about Susie right now….

How do you sit and reflect in judgment on others’ lives, mistakes, rumors, choices, etc, etc, without your thoughts immediately turning to your own?  I am incapable.  My thoughts automatically go straight to “Oh…I once did that too”  or “Gosh…I’ve done something similar myself”….I do not get to pass Go and collect 200 justifications.  It seems the moment I try on the judge’s robe, my entire life is immediately suspect and under the microscope as well…..  Immediately!   Am I just overly self-aware compared to the typical person?  I’m wondering why so many seem to feel righteous in their judgements against others and I’ve noticed that it’s often the very people whose life choices could truly come into serious question, perhaps in direct defiance of the Ten Commandments, for example…?  I’m not religious in any way and yet it does seem to me that the Ten Commandments are, for the most part, pretty basic rules of morality.  It shouldn’t require a membership or devotion to an organized religion to comprehend them and agree that they are just pretty basic ideas of common decency in general, regardless of any doctrine of faith.  Religious rules are typically up for argument and interpretation….only beyond the basics though in my opinion.  It seems to me though that the majority of people I know who judge the most and often the most unfairly are the very people not living by the basic creed of respect for others and/or humanity, but living their lives in a hedonistic, “whatever is best for me”, however I have to get it type manner.  And these people so often feel justified in sitting around passing judgement on others?  And usually judging the loudest, as though they hope the world will hear and somehow deflect attention on their personal lives and choices?  Or do these people truly have themselves convinced that their behaviors are all excused and/or justified, while every one else’s should be placed under the microscope and broadcasted for the public masses?  I have to argue that this kind of thinking floats around in the box of similarity to sociopathic thinking.  Although I’m not saying all selfish hedonistic types (i.e. ‘MY pleasure, MY best interest at ANY cost is perfectly acceptable’) are sociopaths, but I do see a similar train of thought here. 

I once read a book called The Sociopath Next Door which claimed that one in ten (I believe it was? Or some similar statistic…)people are sociopaths. I thought that statistic was a reach, but in reflection on the depth of denial running amouk and society’s willingness to throw others under the bus so to speak in order to preserve themselves or defend some irrational fear that a defense tactic is needed although there is no attack in progress, or perhaps merely for the fun of it (?), puts me in a place of thought where I can clearly see the one in ten possibility.  Not all sociopaths are on the extreme end of the spectrum, like serial killers for example, but I can see a direct connection to the low-to-no-conscience behaviours of society and the personality traits of a sociopath.

When people spread ugly false rumors about another person, are they doing this because they’re trying to protect someone from harm?  Are they doing it because they really believe the information and feel obligated to society’s ‘right to kow” and a satisfaction in spreading the news?  Are they doing it because they get higher self satisfaction in the (possibility of) mistakes and/or misery of others which they figure as far worse than their own imperfections?  And what of the people who just flat-out lie about others?  Do they actually somehow convince themselves of these lies as truth or do they spread it around, in full realization that they are lying? To me, the first indicates the possibility of a serious mental issue and the second resembles the thought processes of a sociopath…

And how did I become a magnet for these types?  Is it true that birds of a feather flock together and I just can’t (or won’t?) see these traits in myself?  Or is it that these types have excellent radar for  attracting easy targets?  Or a combination of both possibly?

Are these people so sick that they are to be pitied?  There are so very many crimes against humanity far, FAR worse than these, yes I know, which go on every day all over the world.  And I feel nauseated and sick to think of them…but these small little crimes against the spirit are so common and so accepted (or so it seems to me) in my little world that I wonder if it is like this in most people’s lives?  Is this the current “norm”?  Or am I just the lucky one who attracts more than most?

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I just shot cupid (with JLH)!

Reading JLH’s book, The Day I Shot Cupid, which is an interesting and fairly entertaining book, I came upon this passage:

…because at the end of the day it must be sad to love yourself so little that you’d be willing to become the joke, the cocktail hour topic, or worst of all, the reason someone else will find it difficult to love and trust again.

As I was reading the preamble to the point she was making here, I was on a totally different page as to where she was going with this.  I was riding on a whole other train on that ride.  When I read along and get to the above quoted statement and I stop my train dead in its tracks.  According to DK (yes, in his twisted logic and mouth that can’t stop spewing lies and fantasies of comfortable denial long enough to admit to the weather outside), I (ME!) am, in fact, that girl.  And yet, how can that be fact when he is, in fact, that same person for me…that guy?  And if I stretch beyond myself and presume that in our own little worlds and our own little lives that we are both correct on this matter….what the hell?  I mean, what IS that? 

I’m floundering about lately, trying to figure so much…so much love, so much pain, so much twisted truths and blatant lies, so much WTF’s, so much slander, so much hatefully random mean-ness, so much utter selfishness, so much damage, just…well, so much, so much!  After the last two absolute denials and random mean text spewing in response to my attempt to find peace, closure, and an amicable place to end this nightmare from hell, I finally just snapped.  The first denial of reality(at least the first in awhile, that is), I felt socked in the gut, taken aback, literally a deer in headlights, but then the very next one was just so much more of random senseless garbage that I snapped and lashed out (and lashed out pretty “randomly” if I may say so myself!)…..I atually had a thought where I felt justifiable in thinking that this man has become so inherently cruel and evil-ly twisted that he deserves to die a long, slow, painful death.  I have never, EVER, thought such a horrible thing regarding anyone in all my life! The thought itself shook me to my core.  I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I searched myself for the saturation of love and gratitude that I typically can find for most any human being on the planet, except perhaps the most heinous of the infamous serial killers…  Nope….not there anymore.  I believe every last ounce of optimism, blind faith, and agape that once ruled the lush kingdom of my heart and soul, has been stomped and shredded to a microscopic dust of frustration , hurt, and resentment. Beyond what I’ve ever thought was possible. No, you can’t love hate away for some people.  No, you cannot be so accepting and caring that a horribly damaged person will heal and become beautiful again.  No, you an’t be so unassuming and selfless and take every stab of hurt and bullshit a mean person dishes out and think that this person is one bit more capable of seeing the beauty in the world and in humanity, much less in me.

At this point, the part that is most senseless is thatg I want nothing from him.  I don’t ask for him back.  I don’t chase him.  I don’t try to gain back his love.  My desire in this had become nothing except the bleek hope that he just might not speak terribly of me or think the worst of me forever or spread more lies and hatefully untrue insults to my character.  I guess that in itself is a bit selfish, as it does still mean I was hoping for something from him and I’m not going to feel badly about that because in my world, those things are basic considerations which should be every moderately decent human being’s right on this planet, and maybe even all the others as well.  So, I will not see that basic expectation as truly selfish, but more as me asking to be treated with basic and minimal consideration as a person…..me, asking for the only absolute right that I believe anyone and everyone is truly entitled to merely by their existence as a human being, with all the parts and pieces that make them human. 

Is that too much for him because he hates?  Does he hate?  Or is he as completely apathetic as he poses most of the time lately?  Who knows? I certainly never will.  I lean toward believing the apathetic part, but then what of  the nasty accusation explosion off all that OLD stuff when I requested some closure and expressed my desire to leave it in a good place?  Requested and desired at this point, merely so as to (hopefully) not feel as though either of us have wasted the last 7 years on truly and completely ridiculous nonsense.

Who cares?  Just more mean-ness and hurt added on top of an already existing avalanche of the unthinkable and often unspeakable crimes against my heart and assaults to my spirit…  What damned difference should it make anyway?  It will soon be over…like it or not….over…over…OVER…

And at least now, I can safely know there is an end to the pain being inflicted, even if not the damage done.  This is the glorious positive in this whole last hoop-la of his bitter, hateful, ugly past 5-6 years!  Yay!

Indignation

I have the divorce and I’m grateful for that.  I want an annullment.  I’ve wanted this for several years now since shortly after the divorce.  I can’t understand why my ex-husband refuses to cooperate!  We are legally divorced, so why would he be unwilling to give me the information the church requires for an annullment?  This is confounding and frustrating! 

And why on earth would his girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with during our marriage) also not want to cooperate with an annullment?  Because she is so jealous, I’ve even skipped requesting the information from him, in an attempt to honor her insecurities and their relationship.  I’ve given her the control…going to her to request the information so my attempts could not be misconstrued as an attempt to connect with him.  I would think she would be delighted for the church to disregard one of her boyfriend’s previous marriages?  If we were granted an annullment, she would no longer be guilty of the sin of adultery.  Seems it would benefit everyone involved and do no harm whatsoever to a single soul.  

Please, someone explain to me why these people won’t cooperate with this?  It is such a simple and mutually beneficial endeavor that I must be completely missing a critical element that stands as a huge deterrent for them.  This makes no sense at all to me! 

Why should this be so difficult?  If they are going to prevent me from obtaining an annullment of a senseless, horrible marriage…  if they are so madly in love as they want people to believe…  if they are going to spend the rest of their lives together……….  WHY?????

If they are going to choose to stand in my way with this, I desperately wish I could at least understand why…

Soul Shrinker

I have these lovely fairy cards.  I suppose they are something of a divination technique, although it seems they mostly prompt inner reflection as opposed to telling the “future”.  I enjoy them because they have a magical quality and inspire me to hold onto faith in the unseen and unknown.  I typically draw a card to meditate on its message and feel through what that  means for my life, my character, and my perspectives.

I recently drew The Soul Shrinker which refers to negativity and more specifically malicious gossip.  Although these always prompt you to look at yourself,  I can’t help but feel a sense of others in the peripheral when I think of this reference.  I’ve been fascinated the past few years by the purpose and origin of sheerly malicious gossip – those hateful things said by people who often don’t know the person they’re talking about, much less have any factual knowledge of the issue they freely discuss.  Although I firmly feel any negative gossip  is unwarranted and morally wrong (“If you can’t say something nice, say nothing at all…”), regardless of it’s possible factual content, I admit I unfortunately have at times been pulled into this. 

Over the past few years since I’ve become a primary target for some of the most hateful random gossip I’ve ever imagined, I’ve made a concerted effort to carefully think through the things I choose to share about others, typically electing only to share something when it seems a persion I care about might need to protect themselves in some way.  I’m not entirely sure I’m comfortable even with that type of sharing.   I would like to not have  any negative information about others, so that I never feel inclined to share anything negtive.  That is a work in progress fo me:  the ability to choose not to listen to anything negative about people, even when I believe the information might possibly protect me or someone I care about.

This card makes me reflect about how truly damaging gossip can be.  I think of the horrible things my ex and his friends have said about me and I don’t suppose I’ll everknow how far that damage reaches to inhibit and negatively affect my present and my future.  The little bit I do know factually has been frustrating and hurtful in a huge way.  It’s frightening really.  I wonder how much this effects every association I’ve made since the split.  I can’t help but hink of the people who eagerly share these negative stories on any opportunity they might have.  I’d like to believe the effect is limited, but I’m beginning to have serious doubts.  I’ve personally felt the effect as rather far-reaching and imposing into my ability to go forward in life from the past.  I’ll not go into how my ex repeats, “I want the best for you”  because I have a million reasons to doubt the sincerity of that statement.

I’m not so self consumed as to think he purposely does and says these things trying to prevent the “best” for me, yet he continues in spite of the negative effects it has been having on me and my life for years.  So whatever the intention, I have cause to try to figure  how to minimize the damage… and I repeatedly find myself helpless.  There is no way to protect oneself from these stories, either the true or the ridiculous and absurd.  People think they have this information.  They choose to share it.  And the ripple effect is more like  tidal wave drowning my every attempt to just move on and away.  What is the combat for this?  There is none.  It renders me helpless to the negativity of others.  I can’t be proactive and just talk randomly to people of the untruths or perhaps the negative knowledge I have of those who demonstrate this.  That only makes me look bad and seem as bitter and hateful as the very people I don’t want to be associated with, much less be like.  Say nothing and everything is left to speculation and silent accusation, of which there is no defense whatsoever – often not even  the opportunity to defend and/or explain the origin of such stories.

The only solution I come to over and over is to remove myself completely from every person associated in any way.  My attemps at that have been futile, as I mentioned earlier just how far reaching my exes circle of associations are.  In essence, I’d need to withdraw from society completely to accomplish this.  That becomes difficult for me because I enjoy people and still would like to have something of a social life. I’m not ready to become a hermit just yet.

Every person I seem to come into contact with over the past few years has a fairly direct route to the source of my most avid  malicious gossipers.  Fairly direct meaning not directly to my ex himself, but to his wide range of either social or professional associations fiiltering through their wide range of associations, all of whom apparently enjoy the drama that has unfolded over the past few years. Ironically enough, most of whom I’ve never once met personally. 

How to even attempt to combat this issue?  The moment I meet a new person, I wonder, what on earth will they be told and by whom?  When there is a large circle of speakers who I’ve never met personally at all, I’m rendered completely defenseless.  Often I have no way of even tracing it back to the source.  I find myself chronically hoping that I’ll be graced with just someone spreading some unsavory truth.  Those are bad enough, but they are mine and therefore I feel compelled to own and be responsible for them.   The other, the outright fanastical stories, are the worst.  And on that, the worst is to never be given an opportuntity to defend myself at all.  The people who hear such things and decide to make their own judgment as to its defining truth.  And in all, I perpetually wonder why so many would bother either way?  Why is it so much fun to most people to instantly grab an opportunity to spread negatives about others?  I don’t feel I’ve been much better or worse than the average person and yet I seem to be one of those people that gossip is rampant and almost relished to spread.  I don’t understand just why I’m such a delicious target for this, but I’vealways been to some degree.  It is apparently my fate in life.  Bad karma perhaps?

How to disappear into the background to protect myself from this without completely withdrawing from all social contact?  I do not know.  My only defense mechanism is to try not to care-to tell myself that if someone chooses to believe such things, then that is unforunately on them and their loss…only isn’t is still mine as well?  No matter how much I try to convince myself what others think doesn’t matter, doesn’t it really?  It does, as that is the premise for most, if not all, associations new and old.  I can’t stop them  I can’t defend myself.  And I can’t make it not feel hurtful. 

So….  what is left after that?  I just wait around like a sitting duck to develop into a bitter, hateful, lonely person hiding out from it all?  Keeping my distance from any possibility of even a remote association to such things.  With no possibility of defense, what else happens?

I keep filling my heart with love and attempting to radiate this outward to all people, and especially the most hatefully damaging…and attempting to control my reaction to their random attacks.  I can only pray for these people to find more peace and love in their own lives so that they might be less tempted to meddle negatively in mine.  A slow and very uncertain defense, but my only “defenseless defense” nonetheless…