A newlywed’s conversation

It was 2 days since the wedding.  A simple, beautiful wedding in a tiny white gazebo in the park over-looking the big lake, gorgeous summer day, fresh green grass, and even a few butterflies attended the ceremony. Understated and simple, the bride wore a white sundress and the groom wore khakis and a white linen shirt.  Other than the butterflies, it was attended only by immediate family… The perfect casual summer wedding!

A well-loved and favorite memory of this wedding, for the bride, would always be the groom’s mother hugging her so warmly immediately following the ceremony. She whispered in the newly married girl’s ear,  

I finally have the daughter I’ve always wanted! Thank you! 

As a girl without a mother, this was particularly precious to the bride and made the day even that much more perfect.

The wedding night was not so perfect, but that’s another story altogether.  The couple didn’t go on honeymoon…that was not in the budget and this really didn’t matter much to either of them.

Two days after the wedding, the newly wedded bride is speaking on the phone early in the morning with her mother-in law and discussing various things like the children and the wedding.  God was always a big part of these conversations she had with her husband’s mother too. The bride appreciated this and valued not only having a “mother” at last, but one who could provide such guidance and support on spiritual matters. She felt truly fortunate and blessed!

During the conversation, “Mom” starts explaining that she keeps the picture of her son and his ex-girlfriend up in their living room for the child’s sake because she wants her 5-year-old grandson to have happy memories of his mom and dad together.  Something about this statement feels just a little strange to the bride.  She’s not at all jealous of her husband’s ex girlfriend, after all they had broken up many years earlier, long before she had known him.  So she doesn’t mind the picture staying up, there’s just something that feels a little funny about the conversation when “Mom” says this and she can’t quite put her finger on what exactly it is.  So she smiles into the phone and says, I think that’s a wonderful idea!  Children need to have memories of their mother and father together.  It’s probably a really good idea to do that for <grandson>.

Having shrugged off that weird feeling, the conversation continues as it had and the bride is practically gushing with love, adoration, and gratitude at this great relationship with this Godly woman, who is now actually her “mother”.  Ohhhh so blessed!!

Toward the end of the conversation, “Mom” revisits the photo subject.  She adds,

I really don’t want to take that picture down anyway.  They really looked so great together, you know?  Everyone always said what a beautiful couple they were, but I was always quick to remind the kids that looks aren’t everything.  A relationship can’t be maintained on just looking so perfect together.

The bride says quietly, Yes, I agree.

“Mom” says, Still, no one could ever argue that they sure did make the most beautiful couple!

Not so sure what response is appropriate here and feeling terribly uncomfortable at this moment, the bride decides to end the conversation and go attend to the children.

Thanks so much for talking this morning.  I’m so happy and blessed that I finally have a “mom”!  I love you. Have a beautiful day!

strange vocations?

Stole a little time away to write…  After a few days the urgency of that need is overwhelming and I’ll do or say whatever I must to steal away on my own and get the thoughts from my head out, where they seem to make more sense to me, to me at least!

Having a thoughtful discussion with Mark’s friend Rick yesterday.  We were talking of God having a vocation for every person; a gift which he gives each one of us to give back to the world to make it a better place.  Rick thinks his gift is encouragement.  I’d have to agree.  He’s very gentle and compassionate minded.  He not only asks questions, but he actually listens as well, as though he’s actually interested in the answers.  He is very kind and encouraging.  I appreciate that in him very much and I’m so glad he recognizes that he has that gift!

So I start thinking about what my gift is.  I used to think it was my empathic nature, but I’ve had to choose to try to relieve some of that and when otherwise impossible, to deny myself to act upon any of those natural tendencies.  This now as a much needed self preservation/protection mode- a somewhat method of survival in any peaceful sense anyway…  I don’t know about the rest of the world or what is “normal” everywhere else, but I’ve learned repeatedly that I’m not so safe utilizing my “gift” in the environment in which I currently live.  This reluctant realization has propelled me into an uncomfortable “Who am I?”, “What is my purpose?” mode. And thus, I must rethink my purpose.  Whoaaaa…this is rather unsettling under the circumstances.  After my conversation with Rick yesterday, I really pondered over and over what might make sense.  Thinking over everything that the past three years have brought, the specific struggles of most of my life, past situations, future possibilities etc., and add to that a couple of interesting, unintentional, off-handed remarks from Mark (which took me a few moments to “get”) and I think I might’ve figured out one possibility.  It’s actually the only thing that makes sense at all…and makes some sense of all my past challenges.  It’s rather sick and disgusting to me really, but in my current state of mind of years now, facing all that I face each day, in each situation,  I really can’t deny that it might be it.

Nomadic descriptions

Lovers

Lovers

Always that feeling of unrest.  The sensation that I need to get going, move away, move on…the perpetual deep sense that I can’t allow roots to settle into the ground.  This has plagued me always.  Never wanted to be married or settle in and yet I have desperately always wanted that at the very same time!  My fear of this has been a source of my permanent inner conflict.  The very thing I want the most is the very thing I run from in terror…confounding most who develop genuine feeling for me and all who seek to understand my motivations and aspirations.  I am lonely at my core and have always sounght to somehow quell that unease.  While I simultaneously seek to be alone in every situation…always.

I have always been lonely.  My earliest memory is that of loneliness and a sense of disconnect from my surroundings.  Until Dave.  I realized yesterday that the game I play with myself of finding the perfect descriptive word finds its match in my emotions for Dave.  As I seek to frame my feelings into word(s), I’m frustrated that I can’t find the word.  I flail about and throw titles on it, but nothing fits.  Like some feelings can only be like music which settles one into a frame of mind – a phenomenon which I can’t explain.  Sometimes in a melody, I’m struck with that’s it!  That’s how I feel!! …leaving me still with no tangible description. 

I’ve struggled lately with the source of my love and devotion.  I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with love for the universe and the masses, that I want to marry myself to God.  And I realize He is the only suitable place for my overwhelming devotion.  This is frightening and wonderful all at the same time.   Does that not further my sense of loneliness and create a marriage which will define the very nature of my conflict?

Every time I start to feel I’m settling comfortably into the concept of that marriage, then I’m hit straight in the physical heart with my love for Dave, which can only be defined by music which causes you to suck in your breath and obtain a sense of relief when the song is over and you realize you’ve just resumed breathing.  There are those moments which are so pure and so beautiful that you want to cry from joy: a conflicting sense in itself.  Perhaps pure joy dictates the need for release….and can release only in tears?  That is the feeling.  A similar feeling when music plays that prompts you to feel something and you’re not exactly sure how that happened or how musical notes flowing together can create these emotions.  That is the feeling I have for Dave.  It’s a love like for my children.  It is not jealous or expectant or conditional or trapped in the surroundings of earthly love, it is spiritual and pure, and at moments, I feel (hope?) that is what it is!  But then I have moments when I’m swept away with the passion in which it soaks itself.  Obviously far different than my feelings for my children!  I don’t understand it…  And why do I feel I must or should?  Maybe some things are not intended to be trapped in language?

And then I struggle with the worry that I love Dave as God (??!!!!?) NO!  That can’t be!!  It is so very similar and yet it is not because it seems tangible at times…

No, the description can only be obtained in music.  As though I could/should/must immediately go write a symphony of my love for Dave…  If only I had an ounce of musical talent with which to describe it and perhaps safely release it…

Indignation

I have the divorce and I’m grateful for that.  I want an annullment.  I’ve wanted this for several years now since shortly after the divorce.  I can’t understand why my ex-husband refuses to cooperate!  We are legally divorced, so why would he be unwilling to give me the information the church requires for an annullment?  This is confounding and frustrating! 

And why on earth would his girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with during our marriage) also not want to cooperate with an annullment?  Because she is so jealous, I’ve even skipped requesting the information from him, in an attempt to honor her insecurities and their relationship.  I’ve given her the control…going to her to request the information so my attempts could not be misconstrued as an attempt to connect with him.  I would think she would be delighted for the church to disregard one of her boyfriend’s previous marriages?  If we were granted an annullment, she would no longer be guilty of the sin of adultery.  Seems it would benefit everyone involved and do no harm whatsoever to a single soul.  

Please, someone explain to me why these people won’t cooperate with this?  It is such a simple and mutually beneficial endeavor that I must be completely missing a critical element that stands as a huge deterrent for them.  This makes no sense at all to me! 

Why should this be so difficult?  If they are going to prevent me from obtaining an annullment of a senseless, horrible marriage…  if they are so madly in love as they want people to believe…  if they are going to spend the rest of their lives together……….  WHY?????

If they are going to choose to stand in my way with this, I desperately wish I could at least understand why…

In my pocket

 I suppose maintaining peace inside one’s mind is a regular practice, at least until it becomes natural and habitual.  So, after the fiasco of yesterday and the weekend as a whole, I’ve decided to re-commit myself to peace.   I really lost my temper yesterday!  Of corse allowing that to happen just escalated the situation as well as my stress level, so I again realize the futility of choosing that response.  Thus, my re-commitment.

I forced myself to read spiritually healthy works last night before bed and a few times today at work.  Hoping to get back the peaceful perspective that everything has a rhyme and reason.  These obstacles, disappointments, and major set backs must all serve a means to an end – an end which I may not know or understamd yet, but an end just the same.  The Universe must be testing my patience and my personal commitment. That’s got to be why this is all happening.  And perhaps also to help force me back to faith.  When all is crumbling and chaotic, then faith is the only place to turn.  This weekend I flailed around a bit trying to get my bearings via another source, but flailing and stress escalating is all that was accomplished.

Back to the meditation and prayer; the mantras and the affirmations.  If 21 days makes a habit, then I will take that 21 day leap in the better direction!

I am grateful for Angie and her children’s presence in my life.  I am grateful for the kindness others extended to me today.  I’m grateful for Mark’s sincere apology.  I’m grateful for my job and my children; our home and the temporary loan of my friend’s car.  I am grateful that we have plenty of food and that I had the money to purchase a few fans to help make us more comfortable in this sticky heat.  I am grateful to Dave for the many lessons he brings to my heart and life.  I am grateful that I am not in a relationship, but am not at all alone.  I am grateful that Angie and I have each other…  to have both the opportunity to give and receive support and friendship through the trials life has recently thrown us.  I am grateful our children are healthy and happy and so wonderful!

Today I focused on reflecting the difficulties that came up without letting myself feel fear and worry.  I took each challenge and looked at it from a positive perspective.  I refused to dwell on the negative aspects of things.  I tried to only put good things out to others.  Tonight I will meditate and pray.

Thus begins my journey of re-commitment.  I carry peace and love in my pocket at all times and am again committed to bringing those out especially in the times I tend to forget they are there.