Missing answers to silly questions

Saw him Sunday…went to him again early Monday morning.    Trying to wait to know what is the correct response/stance to take in this situation, but the possibilities are too muddled to have any true idea.

If I could only remove the want for anything but what is readily available and simple in this.  I often feel foolish for this, but it genuinely feels at times like I may as well try to remove the need for food or water from myself and somehow find a way to not only not want sustenance of any kind, but remove that built-in need for such basics.

I don’t suppose I will ever know for certain..until that time when it is already too late…and not making a choice has made my choice and placed me where I’ll remain in the midlle of the consequences for the non-choice choice…  I can pay psychics, pray till I pass out, wish upon stars every night, meditate until the silence in my head is deafening, beg, plead, try to care, try not to care – and at the end of the day, early in the morning and at each point in between, I still have no idea what is best.

Love the only way I know how in the only method that is currently available to me… and pray that a true heart and love itself can conquer all obstacles imposed by negative energies…  Compromising my self respect and morals…

Fight like a warrior to stuff down every desire and impulse I have that loves him naturally, like breathing…and pray that in my painful absence,  his want and need for me might someday grow back to where and what it once was.  Compromising the integrity

of the dreams  my heart has always held onto…

What is the lesser of two completely unwanted options?  Choosing nothing still makes a choice.  Choosingnothing is not even practically possible.  These two choices demand that I go in one direction or another…there really is no “other” option or alternate choice I’ve not considered…  Or if there is, I’m so blind and dumb to it, I’e shut off any ability to conceive of it.  Everything spiritual maintains that answers will come…”seek and ye shall find”…ask and you shall know…  That doesn’t seem to apply here, unless of course again, I am just totally shut down to hearing anything beyond what I want(?) to hear or hope to believe…?

If I could somehow force myself to not desire water anymore, the pain of thirst might  go away in time from that denial, but I’d eventually die of the thirst I wasn’t even aware of any longer.  It does not seem rational that this feels comparable to such a scenario.  It doesn’t feel at all rational and yet it still is exactly what it is.  And telling myself it’s not accurate or valid, doesn’t quell that  distinct and overwhelming sensation that it is the case…

If I move away, then maybe the laws of logic say that it must cease and go away and it is not possible that I would actually die from such missing such a foolish nonsenical thing..just not possible.  That is a foolish and irrational fear that would go  away each die it did not happen.  Do people still die from melancholy of loss and broken hearts?  Does God still answer questions when they are silly and illogical?

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30.5

I shouldn’t have been so hateful in my messages.  Yet, there was nothing truly hateful in them from the aspect he gave the situation.  The messages responded appropriately to his hardened words and actions.  If he feels nothing, then there’s no such thing as a hateful or hurtful response.

IC response:  30.5. -> 13:  Tears and lamenting.  I guess the messages did hurt him, in spite of the cold and nonchalant exterior he demonstrated prior.  I am sorry…  Or am I?  No, I definitely am. 

Interesting interp of the fan yao: 13.5:

13.5: ” Men bound in friendship first weep and lament,
But afterward they laugh.
After great struggles they succeed in meeting.

Two people are outwardly separated but in their hearts the are united. They are kept apart by their positions in life. Many difficulties and obstructions arise between them and cause them grief. But, remaining true to each other, they allow nothing to separate them, and although it costs them a severe struggle to overcome the obstacles, they will succeed. When they come together their sadness will change to joy.”
-Wilhelm

Reminds me of his last drunken visit on January 9.  Him: Do you not understand how much I love you?   Me: Please be quiet. You love only your friends, not me.  Him:  My friends don’t matter.  Me:  You are drunk… I can’t believe anything you say, remember?  Please just tell me a story about a little boy who lost his kite. 

Him: No, I’ve a better story.  Once there was a girl and a boy who loved each other deeply.  They were very happy together for a time, but then lots of people and things came in between them, but their love was so deep, nothing could stop it. (Insert drunken mumbling here.)

Me:  What?  What happened next?  Him:  (More drunken mumbling…blah, blah, blah, kitty?)  Me:  What happened?  They got a KITTY???  (I pounce on him here in excitement.)  Him:  No, they didn’t get a kitty.  Never mind. Me:  NO…what happened then?  They didn’t get a kitty?  Him: No, they didn’t.  I said they had a child together.

Me:  Ahhhhh….they have a kid.  Was it a little boy with dark hair, great big green eyes and a beautiful smile? Him:  I think it was…   Me:  And they named him David?   Him:  No, they don’t name him David.  I don’t like juniors.  I’d never name my son Dave.  Me:  Awww, I think they should’ve named him David.  I love the name David!  That’s a shame…and they really should have gotten a kitty!

More promises and proclamations of love, etc., etc., etc throughout the night…  Several days later:  I feel nothing for you.  We only have a strong sexual attraction.  Nothing else.  I don’t know why I say those things.  Probably because I’m drunk.  Okay….whatever… jack ass.  Cruel.

Forks in the road

I’m so grateful for forks in the road!  My forks never have just two prongs, they have several just to keep things interesting and to help me maintain my persistent state of indecision.  Why can’t forks be only utensils with which to eat food?

Moving across the country has come up again.  Hmmm…..  It makes my head spin.  When I thought I was going to have to move awhile back, I was excited, scared, and I hate to admit, sad.  Presented with the opportunity again, I’m feeling most of those very same things.  Only perhaps with a slight less intensity.  Even that sad part.  Has my stubborn heart actually incremented forward??  Or is that just an illusion that comes with having a choice at this point?  I can think about moving without feeling overwhelmed with grief and loss today, but would I still have that ability if I knew it had to happen..was going to happen, as opposed to will happen only if I choose?  How can I make these type of drastic, life-altering choices when in so many confounding ways, it seems certain that my destiny, my every chance at happiness, might fly right out the window like an abandoned shoe on the highway if I move so far away?  Ewwwww…  I really don’t like thinking about this.  Yet, I do like it.  I like options.  They give me the opportunity to feel powerful and in control of my destiny.

I’m always torn between believing in destiny and believing in absolute free will.  I wish I knew for sure.  Free will seems far more likely than a planned inevitable destiny.  The end result of a choice at the fork must somehow alter the course of life.  It has to.  …or is that choice I think I’m making already part of the bigger plan?    Maybe I only think I have a choice, but that’s already been decided?  I sometimes comfort myself after a difficult choice by saying this was already my choice.  It was always going to be this, so why fret over the “what if I had made a different choice”?  I only use that for comfort though.  A tiny part of me will always wonder the what if’s and envision the different life and circumstances that would have ensued. Ewwww…there is where regret comes in to play and regret is a heinous, horrible feeling!  Maybe the concept of destiny eliminates that regret and is therefore more romantic and appealing…

For now, I think I’ll just eat with this fork and wish I had the answers…..to anything!

Riding through the asylum

Did he actually expect her to consider moving to Vegas all over again?  Was this some sort of practical joke?

She sensed the direction of the phone conversation about 5 minutes into it, but felt so righteously incredulous that she pretended she had no clue.  As it worked slowly up to an argument, she opted to get off the phone, saying, “I’m not going to have this conversation right now.”  She hung up, fighting back stinging tears and feeling as though vomiting was inevitable.  And through it all, there was the sense of shock.  SHOCK- as in literal, stop dead in your tracks, gut wrenching, wind knocked out of you, trembling and stuttering shock. …WHAT??

She fought off the urge to start laughing uncontrollably; laughter like she imagined might echo through the halls of an insane asylum.  Was that imagined sound coming from inside her?  Was she finally going to snap and lose all sensibility completely?  In a big way, she almost hoped she would.  Do certifiably crazy people even know their confusion or understand their total lack of stability?  She wanted to imagine they did not because that thought was her only hope of escape at this point.  The other thought that crossed her mind was to run out into the street, and flee screaming down it until someone called the police…to take her to the mental ward, where she was beginning to feel would be her only escape ever.

It now felt as though she was riding six different roller coasters all at once.  Endless roller coasters with a cruel carnival guy operator, who just kept it going on going and going.  Just as she reached the end of one ride, as the car slowed down and she sensed that brief moment of “Ahhhh, it’s stopping, I can get off this and put my feet on solid ground”, she somehow was suddenly transferred to another roller coaster.  Looking around, wondering how she had magically come to be sitting in a different ride car, having already reached the top and before reaching any understanding of how she came to even be there, being dropped down another steep hill of terror and instability…and the ensuing twists and drops and jerks around the track.

What was this?  She wanted off.  Even if she had to hide behind the curtains in the silly frog race game and stay there forever, she wanted off!