Every Little Kiss

3 o’clock in the morning and I wake up with Bruce Hornsby’s Every Little Kiss running through my mind!  Can’t recall the last time I heard that song!!  How on earth did it end up in my head in the wee hours of the morning, waking me up?

Accupuncture yesterday was incredible!!  I had the most beautiful vision of my daughters and I walking along a path with big gorgeous green trees on either side.  The sun shining between them down on us while we held hands.  Shiny ribbons of soft light linked us, light that moved and breathed flexibly.  Confidence and happiness surrounding us like a bubble of protection.  Mark was there too somehow, only not in the vision specifically… maybe just off to the side a little?  It was refreshing and invigorating…comforting.  The ribbons that linked us, the light that surrounded us was love.  It was the strength of our love keeping us safe.  And with all the questions and doubts, wonderings, opportunities and choices, somehow I knew we were taking the right path.  This was the right one for us.  And I think it was leading us to Mark in Vegas maybe…?  Not sure, but that’s what it seemed.  No trees like that in Vegas though and I sure do love the trees – great big woody green yummy trees! Wondrous sources of protection in their own right, I suppose…

Having vivid dreams since returning fron Vegas vacation.  Waking early in the morning again too:-(  Somehow waking at 3 or 4 am in Vegas wasn’t as frustrating.  Maybe since I knew it was actually 6 or 7 am here?  It was peaceful that time of the morning there.  I could sit outside on the patio, watch the stars in quiet reverance and drink in the moonlight, letting it wash over me like a fountain of natural life giving energy.  I didn’t expect the moon to be so bright so close to the city!

Dreamt of BZ the night before last.  It was a nice dream.  I missed her and I told her so, of course.  We were catching up on everything.  I don’t really miss her like that, but in my dream I did?  Wonder why?  Or maybe I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings in my dream because I felt like I’m supposed to miss her?

On my way to accupuncture yesterday, I saw DK.  He was pacing in front of his house on his cell phone, wearing a red hoodie with the hood up.  I stopped to ask if he was okay (gosh!?) and he hung up his phone laughing snidely.  As soon as he said he was okay, just waiting for his “buddy to pick him up for the gym”, I was backing out of his driveway, even as he was speaking.  I did not want him to mistake my stop for anything but a caring for his well being and safety, nor give him the chance to think it was anything else whatsoever.  I would stop like that for  anyone I know in my neighborhood who looked as though they might need some help.  Knowing he was fine, made me kick myself for stopping, even so briefly.  What am I trying to do?  I had such wonderfully happy energy yesterday.  Was I trying to make sure it drained away into misery?  I somehow always feel safe like that; safe to push the limits…  as though he can’t affect me even if he does try.  Yet, I truly know better.  I cannot dance with the devil without the agony of having my spirit manipulated.  Nor does he ever need my help really…at least not the kind of “help” I have to offer.  So, why did I even bother stopping to see that snide, sly smirk on his face. 

I know he got our letters telling him to stay away.  All three of us sent them and I have to hope he might honor that.  I made a subtle threat in mine to call the police if he shows up again.  Not an outright threat, as I know my own limits, but a subtle innuendo that I’m hoping will make him think twice and at least worry a little that I might actually mean it….  Worry enough to stay away, I hope!

Wow!

I am so bursting with pride at my daughter!  She demonstrated such fantastic strength and self confidence today that it nearly brought tears to my eyes to just know that someone as incredible as she actually comes from a part of me.  I am so proud of her!!

She told me today that she isn’t going to call Dave “Dave” anymore, but he will from now on be referred to as “It”.  A few hours later she told me that all the damage he has done has affected her and her sister too.  I felt horrible and apologized.  She then said she’d like to write him a letter telling him just how she felt about everything he’s done to our family.  I told her she had every right to feel that way and to write whatever letters she wanted.  She was surprised I said that and said,” I’m going to go write it right now then!”

She went in her room and came back awhile later asking me to read her letter.  It was very well written for a 12 year-old!  She didn’t resort to writing anything mean or hateful.  She merely said that what he’s done has affected her and her sister and that she thought he was a much better person than that.  She wrapped it up by writing, “You need to man-up and say you’re sorry to my mom or else leave my family alone!”

She then asked if she could deliver it immediately, she wanted him to get it as soon as possible she said.  I told her of course she could do whatever she wanted with her letter because those are her feelings and she’s entitled to them and to share them with whoever shec chooses.  She marched that letter straight over to his house and left it for him!

Wow!  I’m so delighted and excited to see that she’s so strong and confident with herself, her sense of right and wrong, and her value as a person.  She is a phenomenal girl…  I’m overwhelmed at her confidence and self esteem.  On a selfish note, I feel relieved to see that she’s not at all afraid to stand up for what and who she believes in, regardless of the weakness I’ve unfortunately demonstrated to her at times through this horrible ordeal.   Yayyyyyyyy Lexi!!!!!!  

I’m not that strong sometimes now when dealing with this issue.  I can’t imagine having that kind of self esteem and courage at 12!  She is my hero!

Blessed

Dreaming

Dreaming

 

Gratitude:  I am so blessed that my children are happy and healthy!  I am so blessed to have phenomenal friends!  I am blessed that Dave and I have overcome so much and had such a truly delightful evening Friday!  I am blessed for my job and my boss!  I’m blessed to live in such a beautiful, peaceful home!  I’m blessed that I can take care of my children on my own!  I’m blessed that their father and I have such a fantastic relationship!  I’m blessed that my boss is so kind and understanding!  I’m blessed to have the best Dad in the world!!

I am so very, VERY blessed…and filled with gratitude at how beautiful my world really is!!  THANK YOU!!

Transformation

My beautiful, loving, extraordinary oldest daughter started middle school Tuesday.  By day 3 of middle school, I’m dealing with a completely different child!  I’ve heard of this instant transformation from other parents and in some ways, I feel I’ve prepared myself for this as best I can.  Yet, nothing could have prepared me for last night. 

She wanted to go to the high school football game because a few of her fellow 6th grade friends were going.  I thought it would be fine as long as I attended along with her, but my younger daughter and I really did not want to go.  I said next time when I’ll go with you, you can go.  She had a melt down!  She wasn’t disrespectful directly to me, but she cried in the car and then flung herself in her bedroom as soon as we got home.  The entire neighborhood probably could hear her wailing at the injustice of it all!  She told me that “everyone” in the 6th grade would be talking about the game on Monday and when they asked her if she went, she would have to say, “No, my mom wouldn’t let me go!”    This,  spoken with absolute disgust of course.  Suddenly the “best momma in the whole world” of only a few days ago was transformed into the worst mother in the 6th grade; a fate worse than death apparently.

And although this was miraculously worked out this time by a friend who offered to take her to the game and stay there for its duration, I was struck hard in the gut by the reality of my situation, feeling as though the wind had been knocked out of me upon the realization that she is suddenly on her way off and there’s nothing I can do but sit and watch her go…  Watch her enter into the world where her friends are the most important thing in her life; where being popular with everyone is the goal; where I’m only going to again be “the best momma ever” if I compromise my rules and boundaries.

I don’t know what to do except call her father across the country in Nevada after she leaves to discuss my fears and sadly inform him that our daughter is no longer the girl we’ve known and loved for the past 11 years.  He, of course, has some practical suggestions as how to possibly “handle” this transformation and I am grateful for his practical nature, but still feel scared out of my mind that for all intents and purposes, I am in this battle alone.  He is a fantastic father to our children and a wonderfully generous provider so I’m much more fortunate than most.  Yet, for all of that, the nature of our situation, requires that I alone take on every upcoming battle we have ahead of us.

And I’m mourning this sudden loss.  I picture my little baby with her soft baby-curls flowing all around her head like a halo, running to me as fast as her short chunky little legs could carry her and shrieking, “Mamma, I wanna hold yoooooooooou!”, insisting I tuck her in at night because she “can’t fall asleep” if I don’t, begging me to read “that story again”, falling down and needing me to kiss her boo-boo bye-bye…  My mind runs through every precious beautiful loving thing we’ve shared and deeply regrets every single time I was “too busy” or too preoccupied to give her my full attention or play whatever little girl game she wanted me to play right that moment.  Of course, I was going to lose her eventually anyway, right?  Even if I had been there every moment for every single thing she ever wanted me for, she was still going to get to this place of complete separation and re-prioritization.

Oh, I feel so very unprepared and so utterly alone in this stage before the perpetual heart-breaking battles begin!  I love her so much and I’m so very afraid for what’s to come.