After riding an an emotional roller coaster the past two days, I’ve hit the stop. It came in increments and with stops and surges, but I do believe it has stopped. Or maybe I just jumped off….? Either way, after a long discussion with a dear and trusted friend this morning, I’m feeling the strangest (unshakable!) sense of having narrowly escaped something truly horrible…. This brings would-be relief and also is leaving me with a very sick sense in the pit of my stomach. Rather like immediately after a car crash, when you should feel just relief, yet that shaky feeling is still sitting inside your gut. I’m having that sensation in massive doses at the moment.
I admit I’m hurting just a little and feeling a strong sense of disappointment, while simultaneously feeling gratitude and relief all jumbled in together. Contradicting, as per my usual:)
I may not ever understand why addicts come to me in droves or if it’s my persona, their need for compassion/acceptance/whatever or a dreadful combination of the two…. However, I am understanding it’s far more serious than I’ve ever credited it to be and certainly poses a danger in my dating attempts…as well as my judgment versus my compassionate nature who wants to accept everyone for just who they are. Bad, bad combo! And I resolve to be better aware of this trend and run like hell at the first sign of its continuation.
Acceptance? Compassion? Hmmm… or merely a naive target for addicts to cling onto to try to make themselves okay with themselves? I’m leaning toward the latter.
I am sad. I considered shedding a few tears, but actually now, upon recent revelations, am feeling quite grateful that I didn’t bother wasting any of my precious tears over this could-have-been -tragic matter…and save my emotional vulnerability for a worthier matter, like Lent and/or the sad lack of genuine love on this planet.
I’ve the feeling it’s not over though….I may only be experiencing a respite. But, again, I suppose I have to accept the fact that whether or not that’s the case in this matter is entirely up to me. I have choices. I have will power. I have independence. I have love…genuine love. Not everyone has these..sadly, Danny doesn’t have the important one’s and I must focus on gratitude that I’m not in that position. I’m in an excellent position, although slightly in shock and only a tad wounded.