Shaky relief

After riding an an emotional roller coaster the past two days, I’ve hit the stop.  It came in increments and with stops and surges, but I do believe it has stopped.  Or maybe I just jumped off….? Either way, after a long discussion with a dear and trusted friend this morning, I’m feeling the strangest (unshakable!) sense of having narrowly escaped something truly horrible….  This brings would-be relief and also is leaving me with a very sick sense in the pit of my stomach.  Rather like immediately after a car crash, when you should feel just relief, yet that shaky feeling is still sitting inside your gut.  I’m having that sensation in massive doses at the moment.

I admit I’m hurting just a little and feeling a strong sense of disappointment, while simultaneously feeling gratitude and relief all jumbled in together.  Contradicting, as per my usual:)

I may not ever understand why addicts come to me in droves or if it’s my persona, their need for compassion/acceptance/whatever or a dreadful combination of the two….  However, I am understanding it’s far more serious than I’ve ever credited it to be and certainly poses a danger in my dating attempts…as well as my judgment versus my compassionate nature who wants to accept everyone for just who they are.  Bad, bad combo!  And I resolve to be better aware of this trend and run like hell at the first sign of its continuation.

Acceptance?  Compassion?  Hmmm… or merely a naive target for addicts to cling onto to try to make themselves okay with themselves?  I’m leaning toward the latter.

I am sad.  I considered shedding a few tears, but actually now, upon recent revelations, am feeling quite grateful that I didn’t bother wasting any of my precious tears over this could-have-been -tragic matter…and save my emotional vulnerability for a worthier matter, like Lent and/or the sad lack of genuine love on this planet.

I’ve the feeling it’s not over though….I may only be experiencing a respite.  But, again, I suppose I have to accept the fact that whether or not that’s the case in this matter is entirely up to me.  I have choices.  I have will power.  I have independence.  I have love…genuine love.  Not everyone has these..sadly, Danny doesn’t have the important one’s and I must focus on gratitude that I’m not in that position.  I’m in an excellent position, although slightly in shock and only a tad wounded.

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Different kind of nightmare…

Truck was in the drive yesterday  and curtains opened in middle of the afternoon.  It’s been a few months since I saw that…  I have to admit, I was a little hopeful that it meant something good.  And I felt badly that I felt that way as well…  Do I not love him enough to wish him happiness?  That is too selfish to be love and it’s not who I want to be on the planet, but it might be the plain and ugly truth…  Eww…

Heavy on my mind, I just woke from a dream that they were moving in together.  It was a dream where there was so much going on at once within the deream that I can’t recall any more details than the main premise, which was the moving in thing.  She had lots of money and I think they were quite happy…  It burned inside me so much that it was shameful to acknowledge.  And I’m left wondering…dream/nightmare or premonition?  Certain that the basis for my dream was the underlying chronic fear that this is going to happen soon.  Wishing I could recall more of the sbtle details within it though…but I can’t.  Perhaps the details are too painful for me to allow myself the details?

I’m willing to admit how hurtful the concept is, even though it goes directly against my concept of love and is embarrassing to me to acknowledge.  Yet, with this situation and thought, I do feel the tiniest release of the bonds chaining me to him .  This is part of what I’ve prayed for for so very long.  So I should be grateful for the answered prayer, really…  and in  some awkward way, I actually am.  I just hate the sick feeling that’s coming with it! 

AW says this is what she told me a year ago that had to happen before he came back for good – for real and of course, I long to believe that’s the case.  Simultaneously, I almost hope it’s just over and done (???!?!!) so I might have the chance to move on finally.  And what do I love there anymore?  I’ve not been with him since early June.  This is the second period of time in the past four years that it’s gone over a few weeks wwith him staying away.  I get that mild sense of hopeful comfort that this time it’s really over.  The same uncomfortable “comfort” I got once before, just before he returned as usual, shocking my world and my delicate balance.

Embarrassing to admit that I can’t truly fathom it’s genuinely over, while I hope that it is AND desperately pray that it’s not…all at the same maddening time!!! 

Taking baby steps (for me – leaps) to start over.  Spend a lot of time with Greg.  Met Eric Friday and liked him okay.  Saw JC and wonder if that’s anything at all, although I did not speak to him.  All in the name of deperately trying to start over and open myself to the possibility that it realy is finished and done at last.

Angie devastated our lives yet AGAIN.  In such an ugly way that we are reeling from it still!  The girls are struggling to understand such utter deceit and ugliness from someone they cared for so much.  I’m trying to help them through that, while feeling the same way myself AND kicking myself that I let myself believe in something better than that  from thet likes of her.  She has wrecked our home, thrown filthy lies and senseless deceit all over our hearts, and then threatened and accused me for good measure.  Amazing!  What a mess.  I’m tired of being the hopeful optimist and can’t stand the thought of losing that quality entirely at the same time…leaving me open to the fear that it’s still not the last time I let someone do this to me – to us.

I also feel sorry for her that it must be terribly difficult to live life within a web of lies constantly fearing they’ll be exposed and juggling people and places to keep them all in the air.  And in some ways, I wonder if she’s better off that she can do that and avoid the painful truths that hurt?  As opposed to the blatant harsh realities of myself that I’m forced to accept?

We are one

I sat in a group of people today.  People I don’t know, most I have never seen, and all with their own stories to tell and the lives and mistakes they’ve lived.  Once upon a time, I would have thought I was different from them…maybe better, maybe worse, maybe more, maybe less…  but always different.

It ocurred to me as I looked around the room, that I’m am everyone of them.  All the bad and all the good, no better, probably no worse.  I could see myself in every face.  It was amazing!

I am so grateful for all my blessings.  Mark’s understanding and lack of judgment, Judy’s friendship, the fake friends I’ve walked away from, my phenomenal children. our home, my father, God, and every tiny thing that happens to me which prompts me toward change and understanding.

Peace, love and squirrels

Over and over in my mind today was this phrase, ” Go home Dave.”  I don’t know why and I don’t know where it came from.  It’s not something I’ve ever said in my life to Dave.  I never thought I’d want to say it to him.  Yet, it keeps going through my mind.  Where does stuff like that come from?  Is it those things we wish we would say in certain situations?  Is it a nudge telling me that it’s something I should say?

I really don’t know.  Yesterday I delivered Dave’s birthday present to him:  two DVD’s, a bottle of wine, a small cake, and a collection of some writings bound in a book.  It was a heartfelt gift, as opposed to years past when I spent more money.  (Although the wine delivery really was obnoxious and ended up costing six times what the wine itself cost!!  ….eek!)  I know Dave isn’t the sentimental type.  He was somewhat when we were together, but even then it was usually when he would be drunk.   Then he let some of his feelings out.  Otherwise, he’s pretty reserved in general and not emotional at all.

I felt torn about delivering his gifts.  I know he doesn’t believe anyone would give gifts to someone unless they wanted something in return.  So because of the gift, he’ll just assume I want to be with him or something along those lines.  I worried about that because that’s not at all the intention behind getting him a gift.  I truly got him something because I’m grateful for him and everything he’s brought to my life that I’d not have known or experienced otherwise.  I deeply believe all good feelings, thoughts, sentiments, whatever should be expressed and given away freely.  Everything positive inside should be put out into the world and shared freely.  …and since I value his existence, what better way to demonstrate that than by giving him a birthday gift?  I don’t know of any, so he got a gift.  He always gets a gift because of this.  I love and value him.

I don’t like thinking of the assumptions he’ll undoubtedly make because of this, but I’m not going to let that stop me from doing what I feel is good and showing my gratitude.  I can only hope his mistaken assumptions don’t lead to issues between us.  I’m not ready to face that stuff straight on.  I need to think.  I need to clarify to myself even exactly what I want, if anything, from him.  Right now, I only want him to find peace and happiness.  I want nothing from him.   I wish he’d cut back on his drinking or be safer about it, but that’s not my business.  I only wish that because I’m concerned for his safety and his dangerously bad choices when he drinks.  Other than that, if it makes him happy, then he should go to it – do whatever.  I know he wants to find someone too, so I wish that for him as well, if it will bring him happiness.

This phrase running through my mind today is strange.  Go home, Dave.  I wish messages came more clear.  Will I say this to him when he comes to me next?  It’s hard to imagine because he’s usually drunk and emotional and I never want to turn him away.  And I like knowing he’s safe at least for the moment, so I always let him stay. 

I don’t think someone like the person he is today (was he always?) could ever understand me or my intentions.  I once thought he did better than anyone ever had, but he took all that back with a vengeance and demonstrated something else entirely.  Now I don’t know if I could ever believe he could be that person I thought he was again.  And who wants someone they can talk to only when that person is drunk and won’t remember anything said or done by anyone, including himself,  afterward?  That doesn’t work for me.

And there was this squirrel in the parking lot of my work who came up to me and just stood for a minute looking at me.  That was strange too.  I googled the symbolism of squirrels and it’s something to do with karma, balance, and preparation.  What the heck?  I’ve never had a squirrel come straight up to me before in my life! 

For so many years now people have told me that when I let Dave really go, he’ll come around and realize all that he’s been unable for so long, but it will be too late.  I’ve always hoped people were wrong.  I would never want it to be that way.  I never want to reject or hurt him. And  I don’t want the agony of feeling like I have to do so in order to be honest and true to myself.  I will never lie to him and I will never intentionally hurt him.  If that scenario happens, then I’m in quite a dilemma.  I’ve had enough dilemmas.  I only want peace, love, and simplicity now.

Hateful girls need prayers too

I’ve experienced a great deal of unexplicable meanness and hatred from various people I’ve let into my life.  Too many to count actually.  Below is a list of the major experiences; only the one’s that greatly impacted me or my life and/or for rather long periods of time.  Although it is far from comprehensive as to their senseless hateful acts, I’ve written briefly what being friends with them was like…

  1. Marni A.: The new girl in 4th grade.  She gave me grape Bubble Yum Lip gloss for Christmas one year.  I just knew we would be best friends forever!  When we moved to middle school the following year, she wrote me poems about how I was her 2nd best friend (her best friend went to her previous school).  Marni was smart and pretty.  She had the nicest parents.  In the 5th grade at middle school, she became friends  with Heather C., a girl I didn’t know at all because I had no classes with her.  Marni and Heather C. campaigned a secret committee to hate me.  Marni would call me after school and say terrible things about Heather, trying to get me to agree (I couldn’t say anything bad about Heather – I just didn’t know her at all).   She would tell me all the terrible things Heather had said and done to her, just to get me to say, “That’s terrible!  Why on earth would she invite you to her house to be so mean to you?”  The next day at school, Heather C (who I only knew by her face and had never spoken to in m life) would be “mad” at me.  Heather was really tall for a 5th grader and when she was mad at me(my entire 5th grade year), I was scared of her.  She was always telling people she was going to “kick my ass”.  I didn’t understand this.  Marni would be my best friend and write mean notes to me about Heather and then Heather would take them to the principal, claiming she had found these hateful notes in which I had written bad things about her.  The notes always included swear words and I did not swear.  Marni was really good at imitating handwriting.  It was almost a gift.  She could forge a note from her mother that was always accepted by the teachers at school. I never got in actual trouble for these forged notes about Heather, but for a period of time I was in the principal’s office regularly discussing these notes Heather would claim I had written.  I guess maybe Marni wasn’t as good at forging my writing?  Marni had a new best friend every year of junior high and each year, although I was her 2nd best friend, she would collaborate with this new friend against me for the duration of the year, meanwhile still being my friend when no one was around to see.  Usually these new friends of hers were girls I did not know and I spent a great deal of time perplexed as to why Marni’s new friend each year was consumed with hatred toward me.  Although the little things like the phone calls trying to get me to say bad things about her friends I did not know, I could usually sense the other person was on the line.  It wasn’t until around the end of the 8th grade when I started putting it all together.  When I think back to this, I’m amazed at my innocence and my devotion to this hatefully mean little girl.  And I always wanted the other girls to like me so I never did speak badly about these girls I didn’t know.  No matter what Marni would try to say they said about me (gosh, they didn’t even know me!) or the terrible things she’d claim they did to her (but why was she still their friend if these things were tue?).  I would always forgive her and take her back when she got into a fight with her “other best friend” and it was usually only a few days before she would find another one and start a new campaign against me or make up with the last one and begin again.  This stopped around 9th grade when I was Marni’s “1st best friend” and from there she just started liking whatever boy I liked and did a similar ritual with them behind my back instead.  I remained “friends” with Marni A. until the day I moved frojm this school and even after for awhile.  She eventually married the boy whom I had a crush on for the last two years I went to that school.  She  always called me while they were dating, trying to get information about him and telling me how badly he treated her.  The few times I visited her, she would get consumed with jealousy if that boy and I were in the same room together.  We grew apart after that. I have no idea what she’s doing in her life now. 
  2. Heather C.: Terrorized me directly and daily during my entire 5th grade year of school and randomly through the 11th grade.  She never stopped hating me for reasons totally unknown to me.  (See above.)  To this day, I have never shared an actual direct conversation with this person, nor do I know anything about her except that she was really tall, very mean, and was friends for a time with my best friend, Marni A. 
  3. Shannon W.: Marni A.’s best friend in the 6th grade.  Very similar story as the  one with Heather.  The difference is Shannon and I became friend in the 7th grade, after Marni was done with her.  Shannon was that girl who was mad every other day at someone and would try to get people to gang up against whoever she was mad at that day.  Unlike Marni, Shannon didn’t outright lie though and her “campaigns” were brief and always remained about whatever imagined slight she had experieced with the “target” girl of the day.
  4. Alana S. (and crew): A group of girls I was friends with briefly in the 6th grade.  Well, I thought we were friends until one day they gave me a letter with a .99 cent sticker on it, saying “This is what you are worth” with all of their signatures at that bottom …and I realized they probably didn’t like me after all.  I’ve never figured out what this was about.
  5. Kathy B.: A girl in my high school who was two years older than I and had a really bad repuation for nbeing a mean, mean bully.  Never had a conversation with her, but in the 10th grade, her best friend, Debbie, liked a boy who liked me.  After a basketball game one night at school she randomly came up behind me and smacked my head, knocking me down.  I never told anyone and I never figured out why she hated me so much, other than maybe that deal with the boy her friend liked…
  6. Heidi B.:  My only friend at my new school when I moved during my senior year.  We were totally inseparable for a few months.  Until a boy she liked (and she pretty much liked every boy in and out of school) liked me instead of her.  So she started putting anonymous signs on my locker saying I had various STD’s.  I was so new at this school and wasn’t even sexually active at the time, so I could not for the life of me figure out who was doing this or why.  I would spend hours after school crying to Heidi trying to figure this mystery out.  Toward the end of the year, someone finally caught her taping one of these on my locker during class and told me.
  7. Julie I.: A girl I became friends with in my late 20’s, thinking all the childish bs was over and real friendship with other females could be created.  I was recently divorced at the time and Julie slept with every guy I went on a date with.  There were only 3 and only one that I actually ended up caring about.  She also scammed $1,500 from me in the form of a cell phone I loaned her that she talked on constantly and eventually decided she wasn’t going to pay for.  I had to pay the bill so that my phone wouldn’t get shut off.  She married the man I liked.  They were married for 6 months.  After they divorced, she started coming after me, threatening regularly to “kick my ass” whenever we crossed paths.
  8. Brandie Z.: A beautiful girl on the otside with no morals and a burning hatred for anyone who is happy.  We became friends shortly after Julie and I.  I had to sit on the phone for hours (yes, literally hours!) each day, listening to her complain about every thing and  every person in her world.  This poor girl was just immately miserable.  And although most people consider her very beautiful, she’s consumed with jealousy toward everyone.  She prefers dating married men because they “don’t complicate her life and can’t usually stalk her due to their marital situation”.  She thoroughly enjoys the game of getting someone she doesn’t actually want to leave their wife and children.  Somehow this seems to reassure to her how beautiful and wanted she really is….  ruining others’ relationships.  Brandie doesn’t allow her friends to have other friends.  She’ll leave them in a pinch (or put them in one) in a heartbeat, if there’s a man anywhere in the midst that she wants to have sex with or steal from his current S.O.  She was friends with my Dave (oddly enough still is).  She loves to tell people (now and then) how pathetic he is because he wants her so bad and tries to get her to be with him all the time, when she’d just”not interested in him in that way.”  Interestingly enough, she claims it’s a headache to be her because every single one of her friends’ husbands or boyfriend’s “really  want” to be with her,  and not her friend whom they’re in a relationship with.  Brandie was consumed with jealousy when Dave and I fell in love and became very happy together and committed to each other.  Not jealous because she wanted Dave, but furious that we were “annoyingly happy” together.  She laid guilt trips on me daily for spending any time at all with him.  She would threaten suicide, saying she had no friends to spend time with anymore because I was always “off being happy with Dave”.  She was so demanding of my time and emotions that there was often little left over for anything else and after I started dating Dave there were NO times when I didn’t feel guilty for not “being there for her” (every second of every day, for hours on end).  After years of spreading my time and energy way thin to “be there” for this girl, eventually, she put me in an extremely  precarious situation, then begged me not to tell Dave what she’d done.  Then she told Dave a totally different story, claiming she just “couldn’t hide the truth” from him.  Because  I had lied to him for her, Dave lost his trust in me and decided Brandie was his “true friend”.  Although Brandie tried to play both sides of this and keep us both as her friends, I no longer trusted Brandie and ended my friendship with her.  I wished her well, but explained that I didn’t understand why she had done that to Dave and me and that I could never trust her again.  Not only is she still ‘best friends” with Dave to this day, but I’m certain she’s had sex with him behind her new boyfriends’ back, in order to further encourage Dave’s absolute loyalty (and devotion) to her and to better prove how “madly in love” with her Dave really is. (Still not exactly sure what inside this girl feels so terribly threatened to not think that every male she comes across is just dying to be with her?)  Dave seems to really believe Brandie is a true friend to him and still believes her story, unable to believe that she helped ruin his happy relationship and that she tells rather insulting stories about what a schmuck he is for “desperately wanting her” for all these years, in spite  of the fact that she does not want him and tells everyone that he’s a schmuck. 
    Now (even in our 30’s!), she does the whole “I’m going to kick your ass” thing to me whenever I see her in public, still hating me for my brief time of happiness and (maybe?) for ending our friendship.  Apparently moving on is not an option for a girl like Brandie.  She is still miserably unhappy and hatefully bad-mouths all of the people in her life to most anyone who will listen. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting to be around this girl and experiencing happiness is not an option,unless you can hide it really well from her.  Because if she even thinks she smells happiness on you, brace yourself for the inevitable crash and burn… and a few back-stabs for good measure!
  9. Angie W.:  Pees on your head then smiles sweetly at you and tells you it’s raining.

Where’s my urine-proof umbrella?

It seems most everything in life revolves around some degree of trust, particularly relationships.  This makes it more challenging.  What about people who talk, talk, talk about things but their actions rarely match up with their words?  What is that?  Is that just good intention at its best?  Or is it deception: smoke and mirrors?

Regardless of what it is, there is no way to trust this type of person. However, these are the very people who can talk quite a charming tale of excuses and explanations.  This type person pees on your head, smiling and looking directly at you, while trying to convince you it’s actually just raining.  And it’s so tempting to want to believe them!  I always wonder at what point do you just give up on someone with this issue?  What’s the old phrase?  First time, shame on you.  Second time, shame on me? 

I wonder if this is a charcter defect or a learned survival mechanism?  If it’s learned, I wonder what purpose it serves?  Do these people just go through other people like underwear?  Once they’ve thoroughly drenched a person in urine, then just move on to the next innocent victim who doesn’t want to think he’s getting peed on everyday?  And what about reputations?  Don’t they soon get the reputation for being that person?  Isn’t difficukt to find new victims once they’ve peed on 20 people?

A part of me believes these people need compassion and friends the most.  That’s why I’m drenched in urine most of the time and questioning the constant rain, when it’s dry and sunny over every one else’s head.  Then, the next time it might really be raining, how do you shake that fear that you’re getting peed on?  What happens once you seriously doubt your own discernment?  Functioning from that place is quite self-defeating and prophecy fulfilling.

What is wrong with people today?  Have the majority just dedicated themselves to self preservation and personal success at any moral cost?  Why does it seem that there are so many who are just out to take advantage of any and every kindness offered them?  Leaves the rest of us looking like schmucks.  Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in te world.”  That makes sense to me, yet it seems so detrimental to one’s own well being.  And with that thought alone, have I just demonstrated that I am maybe not that much different than the rest?  Do you seek to be working toward the highest good until you have nothing left to give?  At that point I understand kicking into selfish mode.  Good heavens, you must or else resign yourself to having a “pee here” tatooed on your forehead!