When I wrote of craving documentation, I did not think it was a necessity. It was merely because I am forgetful sometimes, although not typically ergarding matters close to my heart. Those things seem burned into my memories like permanent fixtures I can’t rid myself of when I want to!
However, it is exceedingly troublesome to be in the position to doubt reality. I recall reading something about this technique referred to as “gaslighting”. This term comes from a Hitchcock movie where a woman’s husband wants her to believe she’s crazy. He tells her things didn’t happen when they did. He tells her she did things she didn’t. He tells her she didn’t do things she knows she did. She gets increasingly confused by this and doubts her own sanity. This is the perfect setup to make someone believe they’re crazy. Although it is somewhat easy to dismiss this the first few times as just being mistaken, over time, it really does work to make you wonder…
No one thinks that documenting every encounter, ever visit, every conversation, every phone call or text would ever be necessary in order to prove mundane everyday things. I think we should all be exhausted if we had to document every interaction with others in order to have verification of reality. Quite honestly, out of embarraassment for the truth, I have not done that even here…the place where I really “let it all out”. Why I would be embarrassed about things on a mostly anonymous blog, I’ve no idea, but I have been. However, I’m now wishing I wasn’t. Not that it provides any actual documentation or evidentiary proof of anything real, but at this point for my own peace of mind it would be comforting. And mind comfort is hard for me to come by these days. So, I’m really wishing I had blogged more concretely in dates and times and events.
I did not. And perhaps my embarrassment was what he counts on. The embarrassment does help keep things hidden and creates a challenge for me in the event that I ever might have to prove something, either to myself, him, or anyone else. Although I just wouldn’t ever imagine that this kind of thing would be important to prove anything other than possibly a murder case or police investigation. Couldn’t imagine it would be important to prove irrelevant events that shouldn’t even be up for debate…other than for someone attempting to “gaslight”.
Can I trust that I’m typing this right now? Can I trust that I’m even sitting here? I might not be. He very well may tell me tomorrow that I wasn’t. And when I attempt to “prove” it, by showing the blog entry with date and time (or some equivalent method of proof), he will explain it away, as though I’m ridiculous to believe that proves a single thing.
And gosh, why would I ever need to prove such things anyway, right? I should know if I am sitting here typing this; if I checked my email, if I went to the grocery store yesterday, if my favorite sweater is grey, or my favorite color is green… shouldn’t I be able to know these things without needing “proof”? And what kind of freak sociopathic psycho tries to make you doubt these things? I understand that many things are based on perspective, like what something feels like to another person, we could never know for certain or have thet audacity to doubt their sensations and experience. But there are concrete, factual things that are not up for debate. You might think my shoes are navy and I might see them as black and in relative terms we are both correct in our own right, but we can’t deny that I’m wearing shoes, right?
What would anyone hope to gain other than perhaps a husband trying to get rid of a wife “legally” by discrediting her sanity? Or acting in terms of self preservation maybe? If our behavior is so outrageously embarrassing that we need to believe it didn’t exist, we don’t “do that”, or we need to be sure no one else would believe that we did/have done such things?
This is my favorite sweater. No, it isn’t. I have not been tanning in over a month. Yes, you have. We went to the movies last week. No, we didn’t. I’m sitting on the sofa right now. No, you aren’t.
What???!!?? Why would anyone do this? How very, very cruel!