Leaving for vacation this morning. Anxiety fills me. I can’t stand to be here sometimes and I can’t stand to be away… Haha, I just can’t stand at all apparently! I am overwhelmed to think I can’t write when I want to, write when I need to. What happens if I have to write? How did I become this fearful hermit?
One would think that I’d embrace this opportunity to be away from the hell which has overtaken me here. Far, far away where none of it can touch me. Wouldn’t that be a nice reprieve for most? I embrace it and I dread it. It’s as though I’m smack inside some episode of the Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt…where I’m sitting in misery with hundreds of roads leading away, but in my mind all of them are too frightening to take and so I stay right where I am, cultivating the very thing that’s destroying me from the inside out. It’s bizarre and ridiculous.
And I wonder so often why… Why does my every thought include the memories that never were? Why can’t I have an unobstructed thought or flash in my mind? I think of vacation and he is there too. But no, he isn’t. so why would he be put there? I do not want him there. I do not intentionally include him there. I chase him away… And my next thought, he comes immediately back. I chase him away again. Can I spend my life chasing him off from my own deranged mind? That sucks so much energy from my life-force, from my existence, from my life.
I vividly remember my high school sweetheart telling me once, “Gosh, I can’t even have a mundane dream of anything without you being right there next to me. If I dream I’m changing a tire on my car, you’re standing right next to me. If I dream I’m petting a dog, you’re holding the dog I’m petting. If I dream I go to the surf shop, you’re at the surf shop with me, etc, etc, etc…”
I was so flattered by this and thought it was odd because he was rarely in my dreams at all, although he was my very best friend and we spent every moment together for years. I felt badly that I didn’t have the same experience, as though maybe that meant I didn’t love him the way he loved me? I couldn’t imagine even having that experience with anyone. Couldn’t fathom being so completely connected to any other human being that the person would be everywhere I was, even spiritually or in my dream world. It was beyond me, beyond my experience, beyond my comprehension. Yet, I was connected to him, as much as I’d ever felt connected to anyone or anything. At that time, I couldn’t imagine going more than a day without talking to him for the rest of my life. He was the flesh and blood best friend I’d never had. The friend who never left my side no matter how crazy things got or how messed up I was. He loved me and my heart had not yet opened, so my love was so limited and screwy(although it was very well intentioned) because I didn’t even understand.
And now, I have that. Now I understand what he meant. Only I do not like it. It does not make me smile. I do not want it. In fact, I beg for mercy from it. It makes me feel crazy. It obstructs my life and my future.
In spite of the knocking, he has not come. I clearly misinterpret the meaning of the knocking. The other time must have been coincidence. I am grateful he has not. The letters we all wrote telling him to stay away from us might have actually gotten through his selfish, twisted mind. Is that possible? Do I dare hope that is so? I fear the minute I say thanks for that merciful grace, I’ll open my eyes and he’ll be standing there. And then I’ll be caught off guard and not handle it appropriately. So, I can’t allow myself to believe that the letters worked. They’ve never worked before. But…we did try a different avenue this time, so maybe………? I cannot relax with that thought because I know what happens the minute I do. And it’s not healthy. It’s unsettling and destructive, as though I’m spinning in circles, arms wide out, laughing like a child, delighting in the freedom of spinning, but then the spinning won’t stop. For months… until I’m no longer giggling, but crying, begging God to make it stop, only He doesn’t make it stop. The spinning continues beyond any joy I ever felt initially and it becomes a nightmare I can’t wake from. Where even the slightest breeze will knock me completely off balance and send me spinning all over again before I’ve regained any strength or discernment.
I do not know how, but someday it won’t be like this. It just can’t. It won’t. I will not allow it. I will stop it somehow. I have to.
Vacation will be good for me. Past the anxiety will be strength refreshed and a sense of hope. Such distance, even temporary, will help disconnect that confounding connection. It will stretch those invisible cords beyond their comfort zone. Maybe it will even snap them?
I do not wish anything bad for him, but I must dream of a world without him in it. Even if I must manufacture those dreams and remove him constantly.
My doors are locked. My number is changed. We have mailed strong letters demanding he stay away. And I am going on vacation far, far away. In my dreams, I’m going to run with the magical scissors I will use to cut those cords forever. He’ll have no choice. These are my dreams and he isn’t permitted in them. He has no place there anymore. Go away. Good bye.