Everything pointed for a moment toward the possibility of finally overcoming the prison I’ve been in for 5 years, but then my emotions got involved and it all came to an abrupt stop….so fast I feel I might have whiplash. From the screeching painfully sudden STOP, I swerved and fishtailed…trying to get my equilibrium back.
It hasn’t come back. I’ve flailed around for it….sank deeper into a sense of depression and desperation..two unfailingly unattractive qualities and states of mind….and then did a 360…right back where I started ..only I’ve lost the tiny position and place I had prior. So I’ve made everything far far worse by trying to demand respect and acceptance for my emotions and my self as a woman and a human being. It always goes like this. And I don’t know how I first got here…oh I can blame DK sure….but I really don’t know for certain that it’s anyone’s fault but my own…
One fateful night 5 years ago has altered my course permanently and in all areas, with all people? How can that be? Why would that be?
All that has changed from this is that it no longer makes me smile or feel any joy. It feels dark and foreboding, smells of cheap perfume, and continues to compromise my self worth and inhibits my attempts to regain a better sense of such.
I am tired though and my spirit is truly weary from holding out and hoping, praying and believing. Deeply and completely weary…that light of joy I had has been chased off by my very exuberance and acceptance of it. I can ruin anything..no matter how delightful it might be or how many seemingly great qualities of potential it might have…just give me a few weeks..a month, a year….whatever…. I’ll take care of it and see that it’s fully eclipsed. And then writhe around in emotional agony filled to the core with sour regret and puffy confusion..stuffing myself further and further down into the rabbit hole.
I envy people who have passed on from this world. How fantastic it must be to end the fight and struggle completely and be at peace.