Over and over in my mind today was this phrase, ” Go home Dave.” I don’t know why and I don’t know where it came from. It’s not something I’ve ever said in my life to Dave. I never thought I’d want to say it to him. Yet, it keeps going through my mind. Where does stuff like that come from? Is it those things we wish we would say in certain situations? Is it a nudge telling me that it’s something I should say?
I really don’t know. Yesterday I delivered Dave’s birthday present to him: two DVD’s, a bottle of wine, a small cake, and a collection of some writings bound in a book. It was a heartfelt gift, as opposed to years past when I spent more money. (Although the wine delivery really was obnoxious and ended up costing six times what the wine itself cost!! ….eek!) I know Dave isn’t the sentimental type. He was somewhat when we were together, but even then it was usually when he would be drunk. Then he let some of his feelings out. Otherwise, he’s pretty reserved in general and not emotional at all.
I felt torn about delivering his gifts. I know he doesn’t believe anyone would give gifts to someone unless they wanted something in return. So because of the gift, he’ll just assume I want to be with him or something along those lines. I worried about that because that’s not at all the intention behind getting him a gift. I truly got him something because I’m grateful for him and everything he’s brought to my life that I’d not have known or experienced otherwise. I deeply believe all good feelings, thoughts, sentiments, whatever should be expressed and given away freely. Everything positive inside should be put out into the world and shared freely. …and since I value his existence, what better way to demonstrate that than by giving him a birthday gift? I don’t know of any, so he got a gift. He always gets a gift because of this. I love and value him.
I don’t like thinking of the assumptions he’ll undoubtedly make because of this, but I’m not going to let that stop me from doing what I feel is good and showing my gratitude. I can only hope his mistaken assumptions don’t lead to issues between us. I’m not ready to face that stuff straight on. I need to think. I need to clarify to myself even exactly what I want, if anything, from him. Right now, I only want him to find peace and happiness. I want nothing from him. I wish he’d cut back on his drinking or be safer about it, but that’s not my business. I only wish that because I’m concerned for his safety and his dangerously bad choices when he drinks. Other than that, if it makes him happy, then he should go to it – do whatever. I know he wants to find someone too, so I wish that for him as well, if it will bring him happiness.
This phrase running through my mind today is strange. Go home, Dave. I wish messages came more clear. Will I say this to him when he comes to me next? It’s hard to imagine because he’s usually drunk and emotional and I never want to turn him away. And I like knowing he’s safe at least for the moment, so I always let him stay.
I don’t think someone like the person he is today (was he always?) could ever understand me or my intentions. I once thought he did better than anyone ever had, but he took all that back with a vengeance and demonstrated something else entirely. Now I don’t know if I could ever believe he could be that person I thought he was again. And who wants someone they can talk to only when that person is drunk and won’t remember anything said or done by anyone, including himself, afterward? That doesn’t work for me.
And there was this squirrel in the parking lot of my work who came up to me and just stood for a minute looking at me. That was strange too. I googled the symbolism of squirrels and it’s something to do with karma, balance, and preparation. What the heck? I’ve never had a squirrel come straight up to me before in my life!
For so many years now people have told me that when I let Dave really go, he’ll come around and realize all that he’s been unable for so long, but it will be too late. I’ve always hoped people were wrong. I would never want it to be that way. I never want to reject or hurt him. And I don’t want the agony of feeling like I have to do so in order to be honest and true to myself. I will never lie to him and I will never intentionally hurt him. If that scenario happens, then I’m in quite a dilemma. I’ve had enough dilemmas. I only want peace, love, and simplicity now.