Hummingbird

This morning, I sat outside alone enjoying my coffee and solitude…and sunshine in Las Vegas… Wanting to write, but feeling too disconnected from my creative source to actually pin point any topic or capture my fleeting thoughts…

Suddenly, i look up and a hummingbird has paused mid-flight and seemed to stop, turn and look directly at me!!  I don’t know much of hummingbirds, so i wonder then, do they perhaps fly sideways and so it just happened to pause directly in front of me, appearing as though it stopped to look a me? 

Intrigued by this random little momentary visit, I google the symbology of humminbirds and am delighted to find wonderfully inspirational and positive possible meanings of this bird:

WikiAnswers says:  “Hummingbirds, called new world birds cause they are native to North America, Central and South America, are considered to be symbols of peace, love and happiness, moreover, ancient pagans held them sacred for their tireless energy and anxiety. In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timless joy and the Nectar of Life. It’s a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.  They are really spectacular birds, and have a lot to teach a person about self discovery and healing.”

Animal totem says:  “The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.Hummingbirds are signs of:

  • energy
  • vitality
  • joy
  • renewal
  • sincerity
  • healing
  • persistence
  • peace
  • infinity
  • agility
  • playfulness
  • loyalty
  • affection

And Wikia.com says:   “The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time.

The hummingbird is a messenger.

It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savor each moment, and appreciate the things we love.”

Beautifully inspiring!!

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ponderings

I know he loves me.  We couldn’t have come through four years any other way.  Everything started to transform shortly before I moved and then kept moving along a positive, growing path after the move.  So many more positives than I ever expected!  And I’ve been so grateful for each and every positive movement/change.

And now, I have no idea what on earth is happening!  I sense certain things, but I can’t tell the difference between intuition, knowledge, fear, and faith any more.  I’m not grounded enough to discern among them.  I feel such a positive wave of change that I can’t deny…  The insane drunken visits stopped.  Concern and consideration was demonstrated.  He even allowed little bits of his humanity show to me as though he was slowly developing trust for me again.  We reached a new level.  I didn’t understand all of what it meant, but it was clearly an entirely new level.  I didn’t need to understand anything further.

Last Thursday/Friday was incredible!  Soft and sweet; slow and intentional…  Lots of tiny little considerations which were lost for so long.   Of course then, Wednesday/Thursday was not so much.  Drastic polar opposites of direction…  Yet our time was so wonderful, how could I belittle that in any way?  How can I allow myself to qualify such a thing?  After me, he was unable to be with anyone else.  Now, he can do it all.  He can be with someone else and then shower me with affection and consideration at the same time.  She can’t have a powerful position really then…  He doesn’t run from me or push me away.  I’m not running to him or at him though either.  Is that why?  Well, Thursday I did and it was wonderful.  The sober sensitivity was back.  It’s been coming back.  Some sort of shift in his drinking habits that I haven’t figured out, but it seemed very positive.   Shifting back to the other though I think.  A crying shame, but it is what it is.  Or I can hope it isn’t, but all signs point to yes it is.

I really do want him to be happy.  I want to protect him, but I’m learning to let go of that and just let him go through whatever he’s headed towarrd…just praying for his ultimate safety and praying that it leads to happiness for him.

He loves me.  That will never change.  Don’t know what this other with the others is.  Don’t really have to know.  He loves me.  He’s finding his way the best he knows how today and I’m proud of his positive steps.  If he steps back a bit, then that’s part of what needs to happen.  I don’t hate her.  She isn’t a very good person and I’m afraid of the kind of person she is and the position he’s in.  She is very selfish and miserable.  He has become very selfish as well too though…  Maybe that will work?  Or maybe she’ll bring out the unselfish part of him as I did and that will be their balance?  Or vice versa? 

I believe he knows right where his happiness is and if he has to thrash about for awhile to prove that to himself, then  that’s what he has to do.  I will just pray for minimal damage to them both.  No one else needs to get hurt in this.

Christmas gift?  I wish I could get him something anonymously, but he always knows.  The fact that I can’t makes me think I shouldn’t get him anything at all, but I want to get something.  Wish I could come up with some creative way to remain anonymous even to him…

Oh well, I’ll do what’s best and what will be… will be.

signs and coincidence

The Beatles’ Let It Be came to me out of the blue yesterday and I’ve not been able to get it out of my mind since!  Amazing how things come out of nowhere sometimes and yet be so randomly fitting.

My ring is blue.  I’ve never seen it blue before!  Wow…it’s hard to stop looking at it while I type.  Was hard to stop looking at it a lot today.  It was so sparkly and beautiful!  I’m very grateful for it.

Seems the song’s message is clear…couldn’t get much clearer actually.  After two visits to him, I needed a screaming statement to remind me of what is, what he is, and what has been.

Learning the IChing.  It’s fascinating!  Ironically, similar message coming from the IC as the song.   What a coincidence!

Hmmmmm

I have recently been gripped with the calmest sensation of deep fear.  It seems as though I’m simultaneously apprehensive and yet calm with unattachment to whatever it might be.  I suppose at some point when you’ve been tossed around like a ragdoll long enough, you get somewhat numb to the effects…  Or do you just feel as though very little else can drastically shock you?  I’m not at all sure what this is, but it’s a fascinating sensation!

Change…change…change…transformation is inevitable and much appreciated…ahhhhhhhhh….

Peace, love and squirrels

Over and over in my mind today was this phrase, ” Go home Dave.”  I don’t know why and I don’t know where it came from.  It’s not something I’ve ever said in my life to Dave.  I never thought I’d want to say it to him.  Yet, it keeps going through my mind.  Where does stuff like that come from?  Is it those things we wish we would say in certain situations?  Is it a nudge telling me that it’s something I should say?

I really don’t know.  Yesterday I delivered Dave’s birthday present to him:  two DVD’s, a bottle of wine, a small cake, and a collection of some writings bound in a book.  It was a heartfelt gift, as opposed to years past when I spent more money.  (Although the wine delivery really was obnoxious and ended up costing six times what the wine itself cost!!  ….eek!)  I know Dave isn’t the sentimental type.  He was somewhat when we were together, but even then it was usually when he would be drunk.   Then he let some of his feelings out.  Otherwise, he’s pretty reserved in general and not emotional at all.

I felt torn about delivering his gifts.  I know he doesn’t believe anyone would give gifts to someone unless they wanted something in return.  So because of the gift, he’ll just assume I want to be with him or something along those lines.  I worried about that because that’s not at all the intention behind getting him a gift.  I truly got him something because I’m grateful for him and everything he’s brought to my life that I’d not have known or experienced otherwise.  I deeply believe all good feelings, thoughts, sentiments, whatever should be expressed and given away freely.  Everything positive inside should be put out into the world and shared freely.  …and since I value his existence, what better way to demonstrate that than by giving him a birthday gift?  I don’t know of any, so he got a gift.  He always gets a gift because of this.  I love and value him.

I don’t like thinking of the assumptions he’ll undoubtedly make because of this, but I’m not going to let that stop me from doing what I feel is good and showing my gratitude.  I can only hope his mistaken assumptions don’t lead to issues between us.  I’m not ready to face that stuff straight on.  I need to think.  I need to clarify to myself even exactly what I want, if anything, from him.  Right now, I only want him to find peace and happiness.  I want nothing from him.   I wish he’d cut back on his drinking or be safer about it, but that’s not my business.  I only wish that because I’m concerned for his safety and his dangerously bad choices when he drinks.  Other than that, if it makes him happy, then he should go to it – do whatever.  I know he wants to find someone too, so I wish that for him as well, if it will bring him happiness.

This phrase running through my mind today is strange.  Go home, Dave.  I wish messages came more clear.  Will I say this to him when he comes to me next?  It’s hard to imagine because he’s usually drunk and emotional and I never want to turn him away.  And I like knowing he’s safe at least for the moment, so I always let him stay. 

I don’t think someone like the person he is today (was he always?) could ever understand me or my intentions.  I once thought he did better than anyone ever had, but he took all that back with a vengeance and demonstrated something else entirely.  Now I don’t know if I could ever believe he could be that person I thought he was again.  And who wants someone they can talk to only when that person is drunk and won’t remember anything said or done by anyone, including himself,  afterward?  That doesn’t work for me.

And there was this squirrel in the parking lot of my work who came up to me and just stood for a minute looking at me.  That was strange too.  I googled the symbolism of squirrels and it’s something to do with karma, balance, and preparation.  What the heck?  I’ve never had a squirrel come straight up to me before in my life! 

For so many years now people have told me that when I let Dave really go, he’ll come around and realize all that he’s been unable for so long, but it will be too late.  I’ve always hoped people were wrong.  I would never want it to be that way.  I never want to reject or hurt him. And  I don’t want the agony of feeling like I have to do so in order to be honest and true to myself.  I will never lie to him and I will never intentionally hurt him.  If that scenario happens, then I’m in quite a dilemma.  I’ve had enough dilemmas.  I only want peace, love, and simplicity now.

One wish

If a fairy came to me right now and granted me one wish, what would it be?  What is one thing that would help create lasting love and ecstasy in my heart?  What is one thing that would help better direct me to full and beautiful transformation?

For years now, I have thought that resurrecting the gorgeous, fulfilling relationship I had with Dave would bring me lasting happiness.  But have I thought that only because that’s the major primary source of the heart liberating joy I once knew?  Maybe that was just a small thing compared to the possibilities I’m not even yet aware of?  It’s difficult to fathom that because it was my first experience with healthy, happy love and since I haven’t known much of that throughout my life, maybe the concept of better is out there and I just cannot comprehend it?  Would I want it back?  Is there more possible that I’ve yet to even imagine? The experiences we’ve gone through over the past few years must have changed us both.  Is it possible to get something from the past back?  Or do you always get something different?  There was nothing I wanted to change about him then.  I did want to change myself though and it seemed so effortless to be something fantastic when he loved and adored me.  I’ve made many changes now, but he has too, so what would that mean?  Would we be the same together, only even better for the changes that have occurred?  Or would we be a complete mis-match now? Would we only bring each other more misery if we started anew?  Would we just bring more wisom and experience to the table?

I believed for so long that if we could get through all that has happened, then we would be truly unbelievably strong and nothing could ever shake us again…and I’ve always added that as a bonus concept to the healthy relationship we once shared.  Is it possible to go through so much and come back together for something as good or better?

I think I might be afraid to make that my wish.  What if it was granted and it wasn’t a good thing anymore?  And then I’d have wasted a once in a lifetime opportunity to have one wish.

I think I’m better off wishing for world peace.  I want joy and love to be everywhere,  inside  everyone.  It would make the whole world a better place and not just my miniscule little corner…  Dang, I am such a cheesy cliche’ lately!

And now…moving into the Downward Dog…

Ommmm

Yoga is a science as well an art of healthy living physically, mentally, morally and spiritually. It’s systematic growth from his animal level to the normalcy, from there to the divinity, ultimately. It’s no way limited by race, age, sex, religion, cast or creed and can be practiced by those who seek an education on better living and those who wants to have a more meaningful life.

Yoga is not a religion; it’s a philosophy of life based on certain psychological facts and it aims at the development of a perfect balance between the body and the mind that permits union with the divine i.e. perfect harmony between the individual and the cosmos.

(http://www.emaxhealth.com/62/643.html)

 I love yoga!  I love its science, its philosophy, its spirit, its practice; I love everything about yoga! 

When I was about 5 or 6 years old, I would sit in my dad’s living room and watch the yoga lady (well, that’s what I called her anyway)on TV. I was so drawn to the instructor; her voice was soft and mellow and she always was so peaceful. I loved doing yoga with the yoga lady and I dedicated myself to it as one would a religion.  My older sister would yell at me and fight me because she always wanted to watch The Brady Bunch or whatever child-friendly show would be on another channel at the same time as the yoga lady in her sassy red leotard. Sometimes I would have to pull a tantrum out of thin air just to be able to watch it without my sister harassing me the entire time.  I would go to my room and cry when she “won” the battle and got her way (gosh, it’s always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!).  And I always felt a sense of sadness when the program was over.  I wanted to watch the yoga lady all day, every day. Her red leotard and soothing voice just made me feel so happy inside.

Once my aunt was taking  a yoga class in college.  I saw her book one day and hid it from her so that I could learn and practice it whenever I wanted.  Not at all realizing how difficult it would be to hide that I had her book as I sat in my pink leotard on our shaggy red carpet in the middle of the living room, text book open, holding various yoga poses.  Suffice to say, I got in a lot of trouble over this little stunt!  I only had access to this TV program when visiting my dad.  As I reached my teenage years, I believe that program was cancelled or at least I couldn’t find it on the TV anymore during my visits…

I can’t imagine that it’s very common for such a young child to be so fiercely drawn to something like Yoga?  Yet, I recently started up with yoga again and it’s fascinating to me how I still feel the very same way about it as I did as a child.  I’m amazed how in tune I am with my body and my mind after yoga class.  It’s as though my reservoir of patience (a virtue I often sorely lack) fills up.  Like a magical spell, I am incredibly peaceful, loving, and mindful immediately following.  Although I’m usually that way to a degree with regular effort, it somehow comes more simply and naturally to me after yoga class.  This effect lasts for several days and like an addiction, I can tell a difference in me (my attitude, my gratitude level, my ability to stay mindful in general, etc.) when for one reason or another I can’t make it to class one week.

Tonight I am unable to go to yoga and I’m a little bummed about that.  So instead, I’m reflecting on the odd phenomenon of how passionately attracted to this I was at such an early age.  Was it the actual art/science of the yoga positions themselves that prompted me to such a beautifully comfortable  state of mind?  Was it an expression of my individuality because it wasn’t a very common thing in my life?  Was it a way to attempt a triumph over my sister and maybe even just to annoy her a little?  Was it a desperate need for some type of spiritual fulfillment that in my young age, I couldn’t even identify or comprehend  yet?  

 

 My personal definition of yoga: A peaceful oasis for the mind and soul of a dreamy little girl (or adultJ ) who often feels she has no control over the chaotic state of her environment.