Kindness does not have the right-of-way!

Was I not listening to the bazillion times my mother responded to me with “Life’s unfair – get used to it!”

As the travesties of injustice build and gain momentum, I am child-like indignance, mounting frustration, bordering on anger.  As I begin to slowly comprehend the “crazy” people of the world who just snap one day, having had far more than they can live with peacefully in ignorance…and more poo after poo piled on their head. Far more than they could ever shovel through or shower off! 

I do not have it so badly.  People are people, with their self serving ulterior motives and it’s-all-about-me attitudes.  Of course…that is the way of the world and I confess on occasion, it is my tendency as well.

My lesson here has been in trust…do not trust…anyone.  The more you find yourself buliding trust in another, the faster you should run from them and maintain an attitude of suspicion. People are not innately trustworthy.  They aren’t to blame; it’s just human nature.  The modern day version of survival of the fittest.  Only those whom can create trust with others, while simultaneously caring for their own best interest, are the very people sitting comfortably in the cat bird seats.  They know they have the edge over the naivete and desperation of the rest of us.  And apparently tunnel vision, while cruising through life, is by far the best perspective.  I’m going to be a much happier person if I can tell myself that stepping on someone’s toe in the grocery store was that person’s fault…after all, they got under my foot!!  Right?  It isn’t that I should be watching where I’m going, taking others around me into account.  No, it’s more fitting that I just lolly about my own way and righteously expect others to stay out of my way.  It’s perfectly appropriate for me to sneer and/or swear at them under my breath should they choose to not follow this rule.

Likewise, friends who screw you over for their own gain cannot be blamed.  Only the fool who puts themselves in a close enough proximity to get screwed over can be blamed.  They are the one’s going the wrong way down the one-wa streets of the tunnel of life…it’s walls plastered with indignant red graffiti screaming, “ME, ME, ME”  “It’s my world, the rest of you just live in it!” “ME, ME, ME” “Don’t forget to look out for number one – ME”

I realize that my growing resentment and frustration results merely from the silly presumption that we are morally responsible to the other human beings on this earth.  It is my fault after all.  If I were going the correct way down this tunnel, were my tunnel marked with the appropriate graffiti, then I would not get under other’s feet on their way through minding their own business…others would get under mine of course!  Perhaps then, I should even be completely unaware that I’ve trampled anyone and the few who dare to point out that I did, I would release my furiously righteous indignance that they had the nerve to get under my foot.

I am a slow learner, but I do believe I’m starting to learn this ugly truth.  Kindness does not get the right-of-way on these streets and tunnels.  Kindness merely gets underfoot of the righteous people doing their own thing, watching their own backs for survival of the fittest, which will clearly never include the kind-people.  They get trampled first..and while they are busy apologizing for getting under another’s foot (GASP- the NERVE!), they get blindsided by the next truck cruising along looking out for Number One.

Will I fully comprehend and have the ability to utilize this lesson in life before I’m 80?  Or am I going to continue to insist that since I have it morally correct, then I should continue to ignore reality and merely plan for the high cost of regular, chronic medical attention to help  me put all my pieces back together after the tramplings?

Someday, I will learn.  I must.  Someday, I will scrub away all the graffiti of kindness mantras plastered all over my tunnel and replace them with screaming reminders of ME!

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Discombobulated

Out of sorts of course because I went there yesterday morning.  Had a safety plan in place, but of course that didn’t work.  And wondering why I go anywhere of my own volition where I feel the need to have a “safety plan”.  My masochistic side must run deep and rampant after everything.

Nope. Didn’t work. Of course it didn’t!  Who do I think I’m foolin’,  kiddin’, and messin’ with here?  As though any feeble attempt at controlling the situation in any way would be successful…  I am the definition of insanity at work every day and attempting to function.  My tiny, respectful demand was ignored…and I allowed that because I don’t have enough backbone anymore to even look out for my own self interest in even tiny, feeble, pathetic ways…

Yukkk…  I am discombobulated and disgusted.

Actually flirted (!!) with someone Thursday night and the immediate response is to run to him first ting Friday morning, as though I’ve got something to make up for.  It’s a weird game I’m playing with pretty much myself and it makes no sense!

Indignation

I have the divorce and I’m grateful for that.  I want an annullment.  I’ve wanted this for several years now since shortly after the divorce.  I can’t understand why my ex-husband refuses to cooperate!  We are legally divorced, so why would he be unwilling to give me the information the church requires for an annullment?  This is confounding and frustrating! 

And why on earth would his girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with during our marriage) also not want to cooperate with an annullment?  Because she is so jealous, I’ve even skipped requesting the information from him, in an attempt to honor her insecurities and their relationship.  I’ve given her the control…going to her to request the information so my attempts could not be misconstrued as an attempt to connect with him.  I would think she would be delighted for the church to disregard one of her boyfriend’s previous marriages?  If we were granted an annullment, she would no longer be guilty of the sin of adultery.  Seems it would benefit everyone involved and do no harm whatsoever to a single soul.  

Please, someone explain to me why these people won’t cooperate with this?  It is such a simple and mutually beneficial endeavor that I must be completely missing a critical element that stands as a huge deterrent for them.  This makes no sense at all to me! 

Why should this be so difficult?  If they are going to prevent me from obtaining an annullment of a senseless, horrible marriage…  if they are so madly in love as they want people to believe…  if they are going to spend the rest of their lives together……….  WHY?????

If they are going to choose to stand in my way with this, I desperately wish I could at least understand why…