In a wild weekend of inner silence, I woke today with the song The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band singing its haunting melody in my head. Like Let It Be, this isn’t a song I hear often and haven’t heard recently. Makes me wonder where in the world they come from so suddenly in my mind! I googled the lyrics…
What a wild weekend of silence this has been. I believe I suffer from some sort of neurological nostalgia syndrome. I got mad at my kids Friday night. I can’t get mad at my kids about anything without being tumbled to the ground with guilt at the way I handle it. I have the most incredible, bordering perfect children any parent could ask for. How dare I ever get angry over the ridiculous little stuff?!??!! Even if my anger is appropriate, the way it runs through me feels not so much. If I could just find a way to sort through what’s what inside my chaotic head, maybe I could better handle these things? I don’t know because I can’t separate anything anymore long enough to test that theory out…
The strange sense of peace that comes when Dave stays away for brief periods of time is confounding! I can relax to a degree and I cherish that feeling, but there’s also a twisted chronic sense of the opposite. The way it has always gone is the minute I start feeling safe that he’s really gone from me, no matter how long it’s been (a variance between 1 day and 3 months), he’s sure to show up at any moment after I relax with it. Therefore, relaxing in it and/or believing it’s true, just adds to the shakiness that sets in the minute he shakes the snow globe which is my life.
In addition to that, there is also the sadness that comes in that maybe all of the negative horrible things he’s said and done since our break have been the only authenticity he’s demonstrated to our relationship. The fear that all of that is true and all the wonderful, even before, has been false manipulation. I’ve written before about why and how unsettling that frame of mind is! My mind begs to relax and believe he’s gone. My crazy nostalgic sense runs through every kindness in word or deed and questions it, feeling angry that I believed and accepted ALL the guilt and responsibility that came with ruining that for us… pissed off that in addition to my willingly accepting such things, he has also shoved huge portions of it down my throat so much, for so long and laughed while I choked on it all…as I already had far more than a mouthful all on my own. I feel angry and it seems as though I can’t turn off these thoughts with any amount of focus and mediation.
All of that and I’m just scared about the current situation I’m in. Scared out of my mind and feeling so completely alone. But I have these wonderful children and I’m embracing them and my gratitude for them. So when things get tough there, as things will at times with children, then I’m overwhelmingly just frustrated! It’s as though my mind just circuits out and I’m so frustrated that I want to give in completely; that I ache for apathy, or some peaceful safe place in my life where I have a few minutes free from a million doubts and second guesses, free from the pain and regret that nostalgia weighs me down with… and I can’t find it.
So when I get frustrated or angry with my children, I wonder how much is actually that situation at that moment? How much is mental illness, tricking my brain into believing thte gravity of it all is too much? How much is the job and other situation? How much is the fear and muck surrounding the chronic issues with Dave?
I don’t know how to sort through it all! Even if I did, how much could I repair or adjust to a level I can tolerate and cope through? What needs to be done when you carry so much worthless and needless guilt and anger that it’s eating you alive, but nothing alleviates it for even a moment? I’ve read so many books about this, talked to counselors, ran away from it, ran straight into it, talked myself out of it, logically reasoned it’s lack of authenticity and accepted that which was earned… nothing brings forgiveness to me. Not prayer, not being told, not validation, not pity, not belief in the kindness of a higher power, not intelligence, not emotion, not rectifying and un-doing. I think I was born with this and it sometimes feels like there’s no possibility of ever being free from it… how do you free yourself from yourself? I am without a doubt my own worst enemy and torture-captivity genius, cruelly refusing to free myself from anything great or small, intentional or not.
What is this? How do I free myself from it before it swallows me whole? I’m already missing huge chunks, I can’t afford to part with much more and maintain hope and faith.
More prayer. More meditation.
The Space Between Lyrics by Dave Matthews Band
You cannot quit me so quickly There’s no hope in you for me No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more The Space Between The wicked lies we tell And hope to keep safe from the pain But will I hold you again? These fickle, fuddled words confuse me Like 'Will it rain today?' Waste the hours with talking, talking These twisted games we're playing We're strange allies With warring hearts What wild-eyed beast you be The Space Between The wicked lies we tell And hope to keep safe from the pain Will I hold you again? Will I hold... Look at us spinning out in The madness of a roller coaster You know you went off like a devil In a church in the middle of a crowded room All we can do, my love Is hope we don't take this ship down The Space Between Where you're smiling high Is where you'll find me if I get to go The Space Between The bullets in our firefight Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you The rain that falls Splash in your heart Ran like sadness down the window into... The Space Between Our wicked lies Is where we hope to keep safe from pain Take my hand 'Cause we're walking out of here Oh, right out of here Love is all we need here The Space Between What's wrong and right Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you The Space Between Your heart and mine Is the space we'll fill with time The Space Between...