Yesterday was very emotional. I really don’t like those kind of days. When my heart feels heavy and my thoughts are steering directly negative, it’s hard to accomplish much. Strange how writing helps to sort through it all and alleviates some of the negativity. Negativity is so useless and crippling. I typically avoid it at all cost, but ocasionally it seeps in and takes over and I just let it have full reign for awhile in hopes of chasing it off.
Broken hearts must be a popular topic… Knowing that state makes me wish so much I could help others who suffer. Other than a few very dear friends I might talk openly with at times, it’s one of those things I feel I must suffer through alone, right at the time when I most need to feel support and encouragement from others. I wonder if many others are like me and try to hide it and minimize the hurt? I’ve had friends who leaned heavily on me through those times and I’ve had other friends who I couldn’t tell if they were even struggling or hurting. I just know I hate to think of anyone alone and in pain. Maybe someday scientists will come up with a remedy for a broken heart. Wouldn’t that be fabulous? Then again, there’s something to be said for working through those things and fully experiencing that type and degree of hurt. It changes a person. Perhaps not always for the better, but at the least it makes us stronger! I’m sure there are more pleasant ways to instigate change, but broken hearts seem to force a change.
I have changed drastically from this experience – in good ways and in some not-so-good. Overall though, it has certainly shown me that just because it feels like you might literally die inside, you probably won’t. It’s forced me to take on a fresh perspective and greater appreciation for life and love. I also might be just a tad jaded, but I don’t think that’s predominant yet, as even when I feel hopeless inside, I’ve come out on the other side. I hope that never takes over. I don’t want to be that negative, gloomy, miserable suspicious person! I wonder sometimes if I’ll allow myself to be ruled by fear when it comes to relationships now. This experience has even affected my friendships. I can’t tolerate deceit with the same compassion I could before. And I also have more strength to stand up for myself against manipulative people From necessity and survival instinct, I’ve just known that my tolerance level for such things has had to drastically reduce. Also, there is this desire to connect, but keep myself safe from possible hurt at the same time. I’m like a curious and scared little bunny, twitching my nose in curiosity and then hopping off in a flash the moment I sense I care enough about another for them to hurt me. Up till now, I’ve never lived from a place of fear like that, I always had huge optimism and refused to accept anything less. I hope my journey toward love will counteract and keep my fear in it’s proper place, so that I’m not “handicapped” from this for the duration.
Gratitude: I experienced love. My basic needs are met for my family. My boss is truly a joy. My children are phenomenal human beings. My father loves me. I can write out my thoughts. I have a few terrific genuine girlfriends who care about me. I have enough money right now to fix my car. Dave and my children are alive and healthy. Dave was supportive of me on Saturday through my overwhelming emotions. I have a computer to blog:-)
I have so many blessings and gifts in my life, I will not allow myself to focus on heartbreak. I’ve never been that person and I’m not going to allow this experience to turn me into that! That creates nothing except suffering and I love myself too much to allow senseless, eternal suffering into my heart. It takes up up too much room where love and faith want to be. I must feel it, let it go, and move on with bigger love and compassion than before; and remain grateful for the experience.
Wednesday is Dave’s birthday, so I wrote down a few of the reasons I’m so grateful he was born and came into my life. That is all I need to embrace right now… I have always been a giggly, happy-go-lucky optimist dagnabit and I love that about myself, I’m not going to let that change!
Shoo negative clouds, shoo….