The Slut’s conundrum

Slut.

I’m not sure what this means to me anymore…  I once thought that sharing your body intimately with another person should be reserved only for relationships where love was there or at least a potential to love….great admiration, perhaps?

My whole perspective on this has changed in the past 4 years of riding the viciously cruel DK roller coaster.  I haven’t been loved by another in four years, but I’ve loved a man and I’ve had sex with him countless times throughout this period.  And now I might be somewhat free from the painful chains holding me to him, but I do not know my capacity to love any more.  I can’t possibly know if I will ever feel a depth of emotion strong enough for another person in a romantic relationship to label it “love”.  I question my capacity to let myself venture there again at all.

It is painful to think of loving him so much and all we missed out on, as well as all the damage that he has done toying with my heart or four years.  I still can’t be certain I would agree it is better to have loved and lost..but I can finally say with absolute sincerity that the mutual loving experience of that relationship before it turned into something cruel and ugly, was the most beautiful experience I have ever had.  It hurts to think of the beauty of it..because it is gone..but I don’t fully resent it anymore.  I can actually feel a tinge of utter gratitude for having experienced a love that most people will never get the opportunity to know or even comprehend…  And while I still can’t fathom it will ever not hurt at ALL to have that memory and experience, I can qualify that into a category where I see that in some perspective I was truly very blessed and fortunate to have known it.

And now what?  My heart does not (thankfully!) fully reside with DK anymore, but it certainly still is not fully my own either.  Irony is that my capacity to love has diminished and grown overly cautious, but my capacity for compassion and forgiveness has exceeded limits I never would have imagined it could.  And I have always associated compassion and forgiveness with love…at least the deeply sincere kinds of compassion and forgiveness.  How can this be?

And…because of this experience am I now cursed to be what I previously considered a “slut”?  If I cannot love…(will not love?) is it acceptable to sexually connect with others under those circumstances?  When I KNOW I am in those circumstances?  Does this warrant me a life as the stereotypical tramp..the girl everyone uses to satisfy physical desire or fears of self-inadequacy?  I cringe at the thought of being used by so many…or by ANY one really and yet who am I to judge? I have allowed DK to use me to the extent that I feel worth little more than that.    If I cannot/will not (?) love, am I not for all intents and purposes, using others in my own way as well?  No matter how full of compassion and forgiveness my “usings” are…am I any better than anyone else who selfishly uses others for whatever their personal reasons might be.

I have allowed a man to use me to the point that my own self worth has shriveled to nothing… I reside in a place where I can’t even imagine another human being feeling genuine love for me… I am not worthy of that any longer.  I am a body with working pieces, a soul full of compassion and forgiveness, and a heart that is closed.  Who am I?  The slut I never imagined I could be…a monstrous creation formed from a beautiful relationship that went wrong and a love for another that would not subside…which has mutated me into a worthless tramp.  “Self righteous”, “teasing”,” save myself for love only” girl has mutated into its opposite…

And I believe that since the more sex without love you have in your life, the less love you have in general…the more the capacity to love shrivels further and further…then I self-create a continuation of the very thing I never wanted to be…

Or I join an Ashram and swear of all desires and thoughts of romantic love forever…?  Let agape flow from my heart through my outstanding capacity for compassion and forgiveness for humanity, while resigning myself to a life without personal love or selfish satisfactions.

I am a contradiction by definition of my character and spirit… and instead of resolving those contradictions, I, myself(with extraordinary assistance from DK), have dictated my life to expand my contradicting nature….perhaps making me the most unlovable and least respectable human being who has walked the earth…?

Overly dramatic?  Yes, of course!  And still I feel I cannot put precise enough conviction and explanation in my words or thoughts regarding the conundrum I and my life have become…..

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Kindness does not have the right-of-way!

Was I not listening to the bazillion times my mother responded to me with “Life’s unfair – get used to it!”

As the travesties of injustice build and gain momentum, I am child-like indignance, mounting frustration, bordering on anger.  As I begin to slowly comprehend the “crazy” people of the world who just snap one day, having had far more than they can live with peacefully in ignorance…and more poo after poo piled on their head. Far more than they could ever shovel through or shower off! 

I do not have it so badly.  People are people, with their self serving ulterior motives and it’s-all-about-me attitudes.  Of course…that is the way of the world and I confess on occasion, it is my tendency as well.

My lesson here has been in trust…do not trust…anyone.  The more you find yourself buliding trust in another, the faster you should run from them and maintain an attitude of suspicion. People are not innately trustworthy.  They aren’t to blame; it’s just human nature.  The modern day version of survival of the fittest.  Only those whom can create trust with others, while simultaneously caring for their own best interest, are the very people sitting comfortably in the cat bird seats.  They know they have the edge over the naivete and desperation of the rest of us.  And apparently tunnel vision, while cruising through life, is by far the best perspective.  I’m going to be a much happier person if I can tell myself that stepping on someone’s toe in the grocery store was that person’s fault…after all, they got under my foot!!  Right?  It isn’t that I should be watching where I’m going, taking others around me into account.  No, it’s more fitting that I just lolly about my own way and righteously expect others to stay out of my way.  It’s perfectly appropriate for me to sneer and/or swear at them under my breath should they choose to not follow this rule.

Likewise, friends who screw you over for their own gain cannot be blamed.  Only the fool who puts themselves in a close enough proximity to get screwed over can be blamed.  They are the one’s going the wrong way down the one-wa streets of the tunnel of life…it’s walls plastered with indignant red graffiti screaming, “ME, ME, ME”  “It’s my world, the rest of you just live in it!” “ME, ME, ME” “Don’t forget to look out for number one – ME”

I realize that my growing resentment and frustration results merely from the silly presumption that we are morally responsible to the other human beings on this earth.  It is my fault after all.  If I were going the correct way down this tunnel, were my tunnel marked with the appropriate graffiti, then I would not get under other’s feet on their way through minding their own business…others would get under mine of course!  Perhaps then, I should even be completely unaware that I’ve trampled anyone and the few who dare to point out that I did, I would release my furiously righteous indignance that they had the nerve to get under my foot.

I am a slow learner, but I do believe I’m starting to learn this ugly truth.  Kindness does not get the right-of-way on these streets and tunnels.  Kindness merely gets underfoot of the righteous people doing their own thing, watching their own backs for survival of the fittest, which will clearly never include the kind-people.  They get trampled first..and while they are busy apologizing for getting under another’s foot (GASP- the NERVE!), they get blindsided by the next truck cruising along looking out for Number One.

Will I fully comprehend and have the ability to utilize this lesson in life before I’m 80?  Or am I going to continue to insist that since I have it morally correct, then I should continue to ignore reality and merely plan for the high cost of regular, chronic medical attention to help  me put all my pieces back together after the tramplings?

Someday, I will learn.  I must.  Someday, I will scrub away all the graffiti of kindness mantras plastered all over my tunnel and replace them with screaming reminders of ME!