Wearing my “Big Girl Pants”!

Another interesting and funny line I read in JLH’s I shot Cupid, is when she says (and I summarize here), “Yeah, it hurts really bad, but after a while you gotta put on your “big girl pants” and get over it!”

So, today, I forced myself into my Big Girl Pants!  My pants of choice were not all that attractive really.  If you picture 15-year-old VS navy sweat pants with bleach stains, full of tiny nubbies from over-washing and PINK written across the hiney in pink letters, then you’d be close to an accurate picture.  And I’m not so sure it’s totally honest to say I’m wearing them…it’s really more like they’re dragging me around today…

However, I’m very proud of them because they shoved me to the gym for a nice (brief, yes, but c’mon!!??!) workout, and even dragged me to the grocery for some healthy, but tasty goodies with which to nourish my poor beaten up and deprived body.  Then, after I returned home, they just wouldn’t shut up till I made a nice healthy smoothie, chock full of lots of nutrients and fresh fruit!

As I’m drinking my delicious Big Girl beverage, they pushed me to my computer and adamantly suggested I write about these positive steps and whispered, “Go ahead and brag about wearing us today…quit your whining and write something positive and hopeful for a change for crying out loud!” 

And so I have.  They’re certainly not the prettiest pants and they’re actually a little pushy, but I’m hoping I can find another pair to fit into tomorrow and maybe with minimal kicking and screaming on my part, someday I might get to wear Big Girl Pants most of the time…

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3 days

It’s been three days without writing.  It was nice to have company and he is delightful….  and I also always feel a little lost when I go that amount of time without writing and attempting to organize and express my thoughts…

Feeling all sorts of strange things….extremely sad about Dave…afraid…worried….excited….empty….

Friends over last night.  Funny I feel mostly the same things about that situation too.  Like I want so much to protect them and also desperately protect myself from them.  It is hard to accept and face all the things Dave tried to tell me and especially hard without the safety of him to buffer the bruising of my innocence falling.

I do not know how to love anyone else.   I do not know how to perceive less than perfection…perfect fit…perfect understanding….the perfect piece.  Everything else feels too scary to even try and even the pieces that seem like they might fit better than most still don’t fit just like that.  I do not know how I will ever fully recover.  I repeatedly tell myself it is possible; that it will happen in time…more and more time.  And I get the strangest sense that I’m lying to myself with every reassurance.  I can’t possibly tell myself it won’t happen  and lying to myself is frustrating in itself.

It is possible.  It will happen in time.  It has to.