Addiction attraction…?

Just crazy about Dan…truly…  Feels odd, feels great, feels scary, feels..dare I say it (??)  almost natural!!!! Which is freaky in itself!

Happily snuggled up with him last night, I started thinking random things…  Like, am I attracted to addicts?  Am I an addict of sorts, albeit nothing illegal?  The same reasons I divorced JP are definite qualities in Dan….  and I could not tolerate them 8 years ago.  Why would they not seem to matter now?  And what are the odds that I would wait so long stuck on DK, just to finally “move on” straight to an addict, of all people?  After my horrible ordeal in two marriages dealing with addictions it turned out I couldn’t deal with after all…?  Is this coincidence?  I just can’t imagine it is…

So many questions and thoughts run through my head….  How much is real and how much is drug induced..  When we laugh – and we laugh a LOT -…I’m really laughing..naturally laughing, without any kind of substance in my body affecting my mind…  Is Danny?  Would he be laughing with me without any substance altering?  Does it matter?  Should it matter? I don’t and have never experienced mind altering substances…. other than alcohol…nor have I ever condoned or approved of the use of such things, although I don’t judge others..my motto is to each his own, just not around me please..or in my home please…  Otherwise, do what you want!

And what about George, my first boyfriend from way back in high school?  He was quite the “stoner” and it drove me crazy because it was a daily thing.  After about 4 years together, it started bothering me and actually impeded my willingness to agree to marry him!  I remember once being really upset at the possibility that perhaps we had never once even had sex together with him not stoned…wondering if we’d ever had a conversation, a laugh, a serious talk, done anything , without him stoned?

Had that same question last night about Danny, as we were laughing so hard and I felt deeply happy within that shared laughter…that thought ran through my mind…

I like to think I’m not nearly as self-righteous or critical as I once was… However, I really question what the heck is going on in my mind…  I know from (repeated) experience that I can’t get through long term with a person who regularly uses any kind of drug, in spite of a good relationship or being happy or respecting the person in all other characteristics…  Why would I even begin something like this knowing…and Danny has been honest about this from the start, so I could never use the ignorance defense.  I’m aware….even perhaps “too” aware for me to be comfortable knowing what I know and not accepting what that usually means for me in relationships….and continuing on…

Yet this thing, whatever it is or isn’t, really does feel organic…as though it just grows and thrives on its own, even if I don’t encourage or feed it. Strangely enough, every time I’ve “ended it” (usually for fear-based reasons alone…and nothing valid that he’s actually done that’s offensive or hurtful), it merely multiplies and grows bigger almost immediately.  Like a plant that you ignore and turn to look at one day and realize it’s thriving even stronger than when you nurtured it…  doesn’t seem possible and yet it really seems to be happening here.  After my last little fear-driven “tantrum”, I promised myself I’d stop pulling that crap and cease giving in to those whimsical thoughts and mountain-out-of-molehill knee-jerk ridiculous responses…also there’s the thought that it just grows bigger and stronger from it anyway, so by doing this, I’m unwittingly feeding it anyway…and then face an even bigger “monster” when i unfailingly return…

Hmmm…so many questions and thoughts…..

non-lunar lunacy

Tomorrow will be two months….  I’m falling in love….or am I?  my head spins so fast lately that I can’t get my bearings for longer than a few moments….or is it just my mass, perpetual confusion at the overwhelming wonder of being released at last from the dank, twisted,  masochistic/sadistic prison of DK?

Have successfully avoided/declined all DK invitations throughout this time, but I’d be a dirty liar if I said that abstinence from him was coming  easily, even now in the midst of head reeling, butterfly fluttering falling….  No, I still long for him in so many ways…and ache for the depth of simplistic mutual devotion which we once shared with wild abandon and frightening frenzy…. The only experience remotely of its kind that I have known or imagined could exist to this day.

I have accepted and understand that my love for that man is truly undefined and permanent, without boundaries, limits, or end.  My hope is that I’m merely learning to embrace that beautifully difficult truth and function in tandem with it, while still attempting to keep my heart free to live and breathe, rather than suffocating within its constraints.

Am I falling?  Am I merely full of joy and gratitude to have a brief, partial release from my prison?  Do I even truly understand ordinary love?  Or know how to let myself fall or simply crush?  My mind, my heart, my emotions…are twisted and distorted, contrarily ecstatic and frightening… I am a vast abyss, swirling with energies and emotions…never able to pin them down for more than a fleeting moment…

Yet, last night, in the midst of intimacy with my lover, I simultaneously felt the urge to scream “STOP!  LET ME GO NOW!!  I DO NOT WANT THIS RIGHT NOW!!”….and the stinging, oddly satisfying(?) urge to cry…  And not cry like a beautiful soft release of emotion, but rather an uncontrollable sob almost came from the depths of my soul and required some heavy concentration and control to suppress it.  What is this?

I’m perhaps a certifiable, hysterical lunatic….

Hex 2: “Receptivity to Love”

Question to I Ching:

What do I need to do regarding my situation with DK?

Answer:

Hexagram 2:” Receptivity to Love:

Your love life is on fertile ground right now. This hexagram denotes “devotion,” “readiness,” and the creative spirit of the Earth. A powerful relationship has begun or is soon to manifest. This hexagram reminds one to be open to the idea of love, as love can come from where you least expect it.  Give and you will receive. Offer a kind word to someone, a hug, a greeting or an offer of assistance. See love for what it is: A conscious act of devotion and a willingness to stand by a special person.  Creativity and the act of creation are referenced here, and creative energies will play an extremely significant role.”

 Thinking if I stay any more “receptive” to him, I’ll begin to take on the characteristics of his garbage “receptacle”!!  Or maybe it’s too late….and I already bear those characteristics…  I already define giving till it hurts and have no further interest in the martyrdom lifestyle that brings me.  Nor does there seem to be a whole lot of Return on Investment.  And martyrs are rarely respected until they actually die for their cause to humanity.  My cause to humanity in this is to cease getting on humanity’s nerves from being a whiney cry baby:-D

Listen to me as though I get nothing in return!  I get everything in huge amounts spread out among tiny small moments!

Facing repercussions today.  Little nervous, but way-laying that by reflecting on how I ever got to this place at all and the madness that holds me here!  Things will be fine.  I know it.  It’s all going according to some greater plan, I’m sure:)

Missing answers to silly questions

Saw him Sunday…went to him again early Monday morning.    Trying to wait to know what is the correct response/stance to take in this situation, but the possibilities are too muddled to have any true idea.

If I could only remove the want for anything but what is readily available and simple in this.  I often feel foolish for this, but it genuinely feels at times like I may as well try to remove the need for food or water from myself and somehow find a way to not only not want sustenance of any kind, but remove that built-in need for such basics.

I don’t suppose I will ever know for certain..until that time when it is already too late…and not making a choice has made my choice and placed me where I’ll remain in the midlle of the consequences for the non-choice choice…  I can pay psychics, pray till I pass out, wish upon stars every night, meditate until the silence in my head is deafening, beg, plead, try to care, try not to care – and at the end of the day, early in the morning and at each point in between, I still have no idea what is best.

Love the only way I know how in the only method that is currently available to me… and pray that a true heart and love itself can conquer all obstacles imposed by negative energies…  Compromising my self respect and morals…

Fight like a warrior to stuff down every desire and impulse I have that loves him naturally, like breathing…and pray that in my painful absence,  his want and need for me might someday grow back to where and what it once was.  Compromising the integrity

of the dreams  my heart has always held onto…

What is the lesser of two completely unwanted options?  Choosing nothing still makes a choice.  Choosingnothing is not even practically possible.  These two choices demand that I go in one direction or another…there really is no “other” option or alternate choice I’ve not considered…  Or if there is, I’m so blind and dumb to it, I’e shut off any ability to conceive of it.  Everything spiritual maintains that answers will come…”seek and ye shall find”…ask and you shall know…  That doesn’t seem to apply here, unless of course again, I am just totally shut down to hearing anything beyond what I want(?) to hear or hope to believe…?

If I could somehow force myself to not desire water anymore, the pain of thirst might  go away in time from that denial, but I’d eventually die of the thirst I wasn’t even aware of any longer.  It does not seem rational that this feels comparable to such a scenario.  It doesn’t feel at all rational and yet it still is exactly what it is.  And telling myself it’s not accurate or valid, doesn’t quell that  distinct and overwhelming sensation that it is the case…

If I move away, then maybe the laws of logic say that it must cease and go away and it is not possible that I would actually die from such missing such a foolish nonsenical thing..just not possible.  That is a foolish and irrational fear that would go  away each die it did not happen.  Do people still die from melancholy of loss and broken hearts?  Does God still answer questions when they are silly and illogical?

Billowing pillows of electrical currents

 

tree lovers

Oh my… I went to him today.  After everything –  I went to him!  I even thought it through first, long and hard and at some point I just realized that once the idea came to me, the gravitational pull toward him was uncontrollable. Come hell or high water, mountains, or oceans, I was going to him.  And I did.

I’m now consumed with why…and of course, what!  Why did I go?  I went because I woke up with an undeniable need for him; a desperate need like oxygen or water.  I went because I’m addicted to the drama?  I went because I felt strong and in control, as though it’s okay if I go to him, as long as he does not come to me.  That seems to be when the trouble begins.

What….ohh what is fantastic always, even better because I did feel strong, was strong, demonstrated strength (I think!?).  Brief moment of discomfort in the very beginning, but as soon as we start playing, the discomfort of the past three years just disintegrates like sand washing away from the shoreline…..whoosh….gone…okay…smile…HUGE smile…  Sighs and caresses just to play with him again.  Like the favorite friend from the neighborhood who moves away and then comes back for a visit…just sighhhhhh…..in absolute contentment that all in the world is just the best it can be at that very moment!

He wants me….he vehemently says this over and over to me.  And I know.  It might be nice if I could feel even a little power from that, but I don’t.  I want him every bit as much…maybe more?  No, it works so perfectly because that part is so even between us.  The overwhelming desire to experience every fraction of an inch of one another as if for the first time…and still feel like forever wouldn’t be long enough to explore.  Once we agreed that forever wouldn’t be long enough.  Now there are no agreements…there is just passionate, overwhelming desire for the rawest intimacy… intimacy  as though our flesh will physically fuse together, never to be painfully parted again.  Like the puzzle of my body, my life, my heart, my spirit have all found their missing pieces at once and the exhilaration of snapping them all together at the same time; feeling the utter delight and…. Sighhhhhhh….

He is so sensitive and soft with me in all the ways I forget are possible…in all the ways I forget I even like sensitive softness….  Currents of electricity  running through pillows of softness, the gentleness of your hand slowly waving through water, but filled with excitement, anticipation and deeply complete  satisfaction.

How will I ever not go to him for any length of time?  When will we be satiated to exhaustion with each other?  When will every thrilling aspect that just continues to grow whether we nurture it or not, finally cease completely?  I never could have imagined experiencing anything quite this oddly overwhelming and right, that is really not so right…(?)  And now that I have, I can’t imagine the thought of living any length of time without it?  Once a connection so deeply physical and spiritual has thrust itself into your heart and life, how does anyone fully accept that it is not and say goodbye to it forever?  When it in fact is…always is…whether we acknowledge it or not…it is.

He asked about our moving…are we moving…what’s going on with that…  Asked about my job and the kids…  I told him that seeing JW yesterday made me think of him (as though I needed that to think of him!)and that suddenly I wanted him, immediately, undeniably, and vehemently wanted him…

Four hours later, I kissed him good bye and left, happy and smiling that what is still there….  I always think that in time away, it will subside or maybe someday even go away from the ugly of all that negative garbage it’s been saturated in, like that forced denial will dissolve it all into never-never land.  It does not.  It only strengthens the need and the satisfaction.  Nothing dissolves except the softness of my skin into him, bonding us closer….too close…when closer is not even a viable possibility…closer and closer we go….  When continuing is not possible, on and on we go….

 Such a strange thing!

strange vocations?

Stole a little time away to write…  After a few days the urgency of that need is overwhelming and I’ll do or say whatever I must to steal away on my own and get the thoughts from my head out, where they seem to make more sense to me, to me at least!

Having a thoughtful discussion with Mark’s friend Rick yesterday.  We were talking of God having a vocation for every person; a gift which he gives each one of us to give back to the world to make it a better place.  Rick thinks his gift is encouragement.  I’d have to agree.  He’s very gentle and compassionate minded.  He not only asks questions, but he actually listens as well, as though he’s actually interested in the answers.  He is very kind and encouraging.  I appreciate that in him very much and I’m so glad he recognizes that he has that gift!

So I start thinking about what my gift is.  I used to think it was my empathic nature, but I’ve had to choose to try to relieve some of that and when otherwise impossible, to deny myself to act upon any of those natural tendencies.  This now as a much needed self preservation/protection mode- a somewhat method of survival in any peaceful sense anyway…  I don’t know about the rest of the world or what is “normal” everywhere else, but I’ve learned repeatedly that I’m not so safe utilizing my “gift” in the environment in which I currently live.  This reluctant realization has propelled me into an uncomfortable “Who am I?”, “What is my purpose?” mode. And thus, I must rethink my purpose.  Whoaaaa…this is rather unsettling under the circumstances.  After my conversation with Rick yesterday, I really pondered over and over what might make sense.  Thinking over everything that the past three years have brought, the specific struggles of most of my life, past situations, future possibilities etc., and add to that a couple of interesting, unintentional, off-handed remarks from Mark (which took me a few moments to “get”) and I think I might’ve figured out one possibility.  It’s actually the only thing that makes sense at all…and makes some sense of all my past challenges.  It’s rather sick and disgusting to me really, but in my current state of mind of years now, facing all that I face each day, in each situation,  I really can’t deny that it might be it.

Gaslighting

When I wrote of craving documentation, I did not think it was a necessity.  It was merely because I am forgetful sometimes, although not typically ergarding matters close to my heart.  Those things seem burned into my memories like permanent fixtures I can’t rid myself of when I want to!

However, it is exceedingly troublesome to be in the position to doubt reality.  I recall reading something about this technique referred to as “gaslighting”.  This term comes from a Hitchcock movie where a woman’s husband wants her to believe she’s crazy.  He tells her things didn’t happen when they did.  He tells her she did things she didn’t.  He tells her she didn’t do things she knows she did.  She gets increasingly confused by this and doubts her own sanity.  This is the perfect setup to make someone believe they’re crazy.  Although it is somewhat easy to dismiss this the first few times as just being mistaken, over time, it really does work to make you wonder…

No one thinks that documenting every encounter, ever visit, every conversation, every phone call or text would ever be necessary in order to prove mundane everyday things.  I think we should all be exhausted if we had to document every interaction with others in order to have verification of reality.  Quite honestly, out of embarraassment for the truth, I have not done that even here…the place where I really “let it all out”.  Why I would be embarrassed about things on a mostly anonymous blog, I’ve no idea, but I have been.   However, I’m now wishing I wasn’t.  Not that it provides any actual documentation or evidentiary proof of anything real, but at this point for my own peace of mind it would be comforting.  And mind comfort is hard for me to come by these days.  So, I’m really wishing I had blogged more concretely in dates and times and events. 

I did not.  And perhaps my embarrassment was what he counts on.  The embarrassment  does help keep things hidden and creates a challenge for me in the event that I ever might have to prove something, either to myself, him, or anyone else.  Although I just wouldn’t ever imagine that this kind of thing would be important to prove  anything other than possibly  a murder case or police investigation.  Couldn’t imagine it would be important to prove irrelevant events that shouldn’t even be up for debate…other than for someone attempting to “gaslight”.

Can I trust that I’m typing this right now?  Can I trust that I’m even sitting here?  I might not be.  He very well may tell me tomorrow that I wasn’t.  And when I attempt to “prove” it, by showing the blog entry with date and time (or some equivalent method of proof), he will explain it away, as though I’m ridiculous to believe that proves a single thing. 

And gosh, why would I ever need to prove such things anyway, right?  I should know if I am sitting here typing this; if I checked my email, if I went to the grocery store yesterday, if my favorite sweater is grey, or my favorite color is green…  shouldn’t I be able to know these things without needing “proof”?  And what kind of freak sociopathic psycho tries to make you doubt these things?  I understand that many things are based on perspective, like what something feels like to another person, we could never know for certain or have thet audacity to doubt their sensations and experience.  But there are concrete, factual things that are not up for debate.  You might think my shoes are navy and I might see them as black and in relative terms we are both correct in our own right, but we can’t deny that I’m wearing shoes, right? 

What would anyone hope to gain other than perhaps a husband trying to get rid of a wife “legally” by discrediting her sanity?  Or acting in terms of self preservation maybe?  If our behavior is so outrageously embarrassing that we need to believe it didn’t exist, we don’t “do that”, or we need to be sure no one else would believe that we did/have done such things? 

This is my favorite sweater.  No, it isn’t.  I have not been tanning in over a month.  Yes, you have. We went to the movies last week.  No, we didn’t.  I’m sitting on the sofa right now.  No, you aren’t.

What???!!??  Why would anyone do this?  How very, very cruel!