I just shot cupid (with JLH)!

Reading JLH’s book, The Day I Shot Cupid, which is an interesting and fairly entertaining book, I came upon this passage:

…because at the end of the day it must be sad to love yourself so little that you’d be willing to become the joke, the cocktail hour topic, or worst of all, the reason someone else will find it difficult to love and trust again.

As I was reading the preamble to the point she was making here, I was on a totally different page as to where she was going with this.  I was riding on a whole other train on that ride.  When I read along and get to the above quoted statement and I stop my train dead in its tracks.  According to DK (yes, in his twisted logic and mouth that can’t stop spewing lies and fantasies of comfortable denial long enough to admit to the weather outside), I (ME!) am, in fact, that girl.  And yet, how can that be fact when he is, in fact, that same person for me…that guy?  And if I stretch beyond myself and presume that in our own little worlds and our own little lives that we are both correct on this matter….what the hell?  I mean, what IS that? 

I’m floundering about lately, trying to figure so much…so much love, so much pain, so much twisted truths and blatant lies, so much WTF’s, so much slander, so much hatefully random mean-ness, so much utter selfishness, so much damage, just…well, so much, so much!  After the last two absolute denials and random mean text spewing in response to my attempt to find peace, closure, and an amicable place to end this nightmare from hell, I finally just snapped.  The first denial of reality(at least the first in awhile, that is), I felt socked in the gut, taken aback, literally a deer in headlights, but then the very next one was just so much more of random senseless garbage that I snapped and lashed out (and lashed out pretty “randomly” if I may say so myself!)…..I atually had a thought where I felt justifiable in thinking that this man has become so inherently cruel and evil-ly twisted that he deserves to die a long, slow, painful death.  I have never, EVER, thought such a horrible thing regarding anyone in all my life! The thought itself shook me to my core.  I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I searched myself for the saturation of love and gratitude that I typically can find for most any human being on the planet, except perhaps the most heinous of the infamous serial killers…  Nope….not there anymore.  I believe every last ounce of optimism, blind faith, and agape that once ruled the lush kingdom of my heart and soul, has been stomped and shredded to a microscopic dust of frustration , hurt, and resentment. Beyond what I’ve ever thought was possible. No, you can’t love hate away for some people.  No, you cannot be so accepting and caring that a horribly damaged person will heal and become beautiful again.  No, you an’t be so unassuming and selfless and take every stab of hurt and bullshit a mean person dishes out and think that this person is one bit more capable of seeing the beauty in the world and in humanity, much less in me.

At this point, the part that is most senseless is thatg I want nothing from him.  I don’t ask for him back.  I don’t chase him.  I don’t try to gain back his love.  My desire in this had become nothing except the bleek hope that he just might not speak terribly of me or think the worst of me forever or spread more lies and hatefully untrue insults to my character.  I guess that in itself is a bit selfish, as it does still mean I was hoping for something from him and I’m not going to feel badly about that because in my world, those things are basic considerations which should be every moderately decent human being’s right on this planet, and maybe even all the others as well.  So, I will not see that basic expectation as truly selfish, but more as me asking to be treated with basic and minimal consideration as a person…..me, asking for the only absolute right that I believe anyone and everyone is truly entitled to merely by their existence as a human being, with all the parts and pieces that make them human. 

Is that too much for him because he hates?  Does he hate?  Or is he as completely apathetic as he poses most of the time lately?  Who knows? I certainly never will.  I lean toward believing the apathetic part, but then what of  the nasty accusation explosion off all that OLD stuff when I requested some closure and expressed my desire to leave it in a good place?  Requested and desired at this point, merely so as to (hopefully) not feel as though either of us have wasted the last 7 years on truly and completely ridiculous nonsense.

Who cares?  Just more mean-ness and hurt added on top of an already existing avalanche of the unthinkable and often unspeakable crimes against my heart and assaults to my spirit…  What damned difference should it make anyway?  It will soon be over…like it or not….over…over…OVER…

And at least now, I can safely know there is an end to the pain being inflicted, even if not the damage done.  This is the glorious positive in this whole last hoop-la of his bitter, hateful, ugly past 5-6 years!  Yay!

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Crushing….

In less than on month, I’ve “ended” my association with Danny three times already! I’m surprised that he puts up with it… is it because he likes me enough to do that? Or perhaps because it really matters so very little? I consult the I Ching for some insight and rarely do I receive anything all that positive or informative, but the truth is that those type things hardly ever give me positive input on any topic! One would think that I’m either cursed to nothing much good or that these oracles hesitate to get my hopes up on any matter in my life. For this reason, I choose not to consult such things on matters of deep importance. It would create too much stress!

It’s now “on” again, though. I really ended it and then we had a mutual group outing where I had to ignore him completely and pretend that there is nothing between us. It was quite difficult, but he later told me that he would never have guess it was.. guess I’m a better actress that I give myself credit for! So good that what I was feeling wasn’t projected. It always feels like it is and so I rarely put myself in those positions. I did skip out pretty early though because it was so exhausting to keep up the charade. I just wanted him with me…I mean really with me… I didn’t want to watch him talk to other people and I couldn’t sit close enough to talk to him. Funny thing is, I wasn’t feeling jealous at all…more like just lost… as though he was supposed to be next to me, but wasn’t and it was uncomfortable. So I left early and then gave my phone away so I could be sure not to contact him while under the influence of that prompting evil, alcohol.

However, when I got my phone back the next day, I contacted him immediately and a conversation ensued where I confessed that I wanted him to be with me and had struggled with having things the way they had been the night before. He claimed to be disappointed that I had left early and also claimed he had made an effort to go where he heard I had gone. I see no reason for him to be less than honest about this and yet I do have the strong suspicion that he’s a natural salesman and knows well what to say, when, and just how to get what he wants with minimal effort. This hunch creates perpetual doubts in my mind as to his authenticity. Not necessarily a good thing for a person with my recent (and long term) history with the DK!

So after three brief “endings” (what a joke!), we continue exactly where we left off…between the hours of 1 AM and 4 AM for the most part, which does create feelings of being a concubine of sorts. I do have some understanding of why it is this way and why it needs to be this way right now…but again, given my experiences from the last four years, it doesn’t sit well. So, my girlfriend and I discuss and her advice is to cease on the sexual activity with him until his divorce is actually fully final. That’s such great advice! And only a few short years ago, I’d not have had any trouble at all acting on that. Today, however, it feels next to impossible and I really don’t like or understand that.

Regardless, he asks to come over after his children are in bed and I eagerly agree. I really just want him next to me for awhile even though I know it can only be for a few hours and therefore doesn’t feel all that differently from the DK situation, which I do know is not the healthiest place for me to be right now. BUT, I so much like the way his hands caress my back…the way it doesn’t feel so very wrong right now that it isn’t DK’s hands on my skin. This is my first experience touching and kissing a man without guilt in four years and quite honestly, that, alone, makes it so damned hard to resist. Finally, I don’t feel like I’m cheating on my invisible husband! Finally, I can be single through and through, instead of just physically single but emotionally married. I wish I could be stronger… I wish I could know what’s right and wrong instead of just feeling the relief of the absence of everything without DK is wrong. I’m not sure how to combat that much begged for feeling of relief I have craved for years nor am I totally certain I should. I genuinely don’t know what is right in general or even just right for me at this time…it feels too good just to be with a man in any capacity (sexually or just physically) and not want to sob hysterically afterward and beg forgiveness. How could I not roll around in delight within that right now? How could I just keep it at arm’s length and merely contemplate it? The relief of this is almost better than any orgasm could be…and yet I’m supposed to deny it? Who says? My soul? My future happiness? Morals?

Am I ruining myself completely now…whatever’s left that isn’t ruined, at least? I just don’t know. Does this have a happy ending? What is my happy ending minus DK even?

He’s not living married, so I really don’t feel too badly about that. His future ex-wife seems to have a boyfriend already… After having spent an evening with him, but “apart” from him, I said, “just get that divorce over with and be with me”. He says, “I know what’s going to happen….I’ll get this divorce and we’ll immediately run off and get married”. I say no! No, I just want to be with you for now and maybe in about five years or so if all goes well between us we can discuss marriage and he says premonition or whatever, he just thinks we will. Just the feeling he gets… Sales job or truth?

I do not know. I only know for right now that I do, in act, and so surprisingly and totally unexpectedly, like him……I actually do like him. Fight it or revel around in delight in it? Hmmmm….?

Mental cruelty

I do not understand waging psychological warfare on another human being…unless perhaps it is during an actual war.  In which case, I’m still adamantly against it, but it makes sense in a life or death situation.  I will never understand  random pathological liars merely for the sake of mentally torturing someone.

I think of the movie Sybil and how that mother just got her kicks by knocking down her daughter literally and figuratively over and over.  It makes no sense and that is the cruelest abuse of all.  Typically, I’d look at abusers and be disgusted, but also know that they’ve their own demons they’re fighting and feel some sort of compassion, even if only a little.    Randomly waging mental abuse on another person for no reason except for the sheer pleasure of it, is just senselessly cruel and disgustingly sick.

How do you even fight back against that?  I do not believe in fighting back.  I believe in turning the other cheek…but what happens when both cheeks are raw and bloody and the slapping continues?  You can’t call the police for help because it’s all figurative…the only wounds are mental and emotional.   There is no “crime”.  No laws have been broken except moral laws against humanity.  There is no protection from this except to escape.  And what do you do when there is no escape?  When the abuse has so damaged your spirit and your thinking that the fight or flight response has left your resources and you can only hover in the corner waiting the next attack and praying that this isn’t the one that kills you…or hoping it does just to finally be free of it.

Is revenge ever righteous?  I fully realize it’s often warranted, yes…..but is it ever appropriate?  I’ve always believed that living well was the best (and only appropriate) revenge, but I’m learning that in some cases, the abuse itself prohibits any chance to live well. What then?

There are some seriously ill people in this world.