The filthy stain on my heart

little girl

 

You know that I am quite small and my heart is big.  The only thing larger might be my  conscience and sense of guilt and responsibility.  You may be bigger than I but I am much bigger than you on the inside.

You dangle forgiveness in front of my nose so closely that I can smell its invigorating scent; almost tasting its saving grace…  But you do not let me hold it except brief moments when you drop it unexpectedly in my lap like a prize from a carnival game.  Overwhelming me with its presence and as I slowly realize it is right there, you snatch it away…running off while tossing insults at me about things you don’t even know.  Please keep your insults to what is real and fact, although I understand at this point you know very little about me and understand even less.  It must be challenging to find valid insults.  Your brief glimpses at me do not expose many of my faults, but they are there.  I am not hiding them and I am not ashamed.  I no longer chase the elusive forgiveness you dangle.  I know it is merely a tool you use to torture me, like mother dangling a moment of freedom in my face before  locking the door and tossing away the key. 

I do not want your forgiveness.  I do not need it.  I am forgiven.  I Am the forgiven.  You do not hold the power of forgiveness any more. You never did.  That was an illusion I had in the chaos of love and mistakes.  I can’t know if I see clearly now, but I do know that my eyes are starting to open and see you for what you are.  It’s so ugly it’s painful to see and it rips at my memories, creating questions of their validity.  You may be satan’s helper.  You may be the devil’s essence itself.  I may not ever know, but I know you are ugly through and through and in the presence of beauty you lost yourself and hungrily grasped at the only source of power you might ever have the chance to hold over it.

That is ugly.  You are ugly.   I leave you to dwell in the misery of your own making.  Get drunk and forget yourself.  Have sex with hundreds of unsuspecting victims or vixens in their own right.  I do not care.  Just go away.  Every time you come near, your sickness leaves a filthy stain on  my heart that takes months to scrub clean.  Stay away.  Do whatever you have to do.  Just do it somewhere else.

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Mental cruelty

I do not understand waging psychological warfare on another human being…unless perhaps it is during an actual war.  In which case, I’m still adamantly against it, but it makes sense in a life or death situation.  I will never understand  random pathological liars merely for the sake of mentally torturing someone.

I think of the movie Sybil and how that mother just got her kicks by knocking down her daughter literally and figuratively over and over.  It makes no sense and that is the cruelest abuse of all.  Typically, I’d look at abusers and be disgusted, but also know that they’ve their own demons they’re fighting and feel some sort of compassion, even if only a little.    Randomly waging mental abuse on another person for no reason except for the sheer pleasure of it, is just senselessly cruel and disgustingly sick.

How do you even fight back against that?  I do not believe in fighting back.  I believe in turning the other cheek…but what happens when both cheeks are raw and bloody and the slapping continues?  You can’t call the police for help because it’s all figurative…the only wounds are mental and emotional.   There is no “crime”.  No laws have been broken except moral laws against humanity.  There is no protection from this except to escape.  And what do you do when there is no escape?  When the abuse has so damaged your spirit and your thinking that the fight or flight response has left your resources and you can only hover in the corner waiting the next attack and praying that this isn’t the one that kills you…or hoping it does just to finally be free of it.

Is revenge ever righteous?  I fully realize it’s often warranted, yes…..but is it ever appropriate?  I’ve always believed that living well was the best (and only appropriate) revenge, but I’m learning that in some cases, the abuse itself prohibits any chance to live well. What then?

There are some seriously ill people in this world.

The space between

In a wild weekend of inner silence, I woke today with the song The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band singing its haunting melody in my head.  Like Let It Be, this isn’t a song I hear often and haven’t heard recently.  Makes me wonder where  in the world they come from so suddenly in my mind!  I googled the lyrics…

What a wild weekend of silence this has been.  I believe I suffer from some sort of neurological nostalgia syndrome.  I got mad at my kids Friday night.  I can’t get mad at my kids about anything without being tumbled to the ground with guilt at the way I handle it.  I have the most incredible, bordering perfect children any parent could ask for.  How dare I ever get angry over the ridiculous little stuff?!??!!  Even if my anger is appropriate, the way it runs through me feels not so much.    If I could just find a way to sort through what’s what inside my chaotic head, maybe I could better handle these things?  I don’t know because I can’t separate anything anymore long enough to test that theory out…

The strange sense of peace that comes when Dave stays away for brief periods of time is confounding!  I can relax to a degree and I cherish that feeling, but there’s also a twisted chronic sense of the opposite.  The way it has always gone is the minute I start feeling safe that he’s really gone from me, no matter how long it’s been (a variance between 1 day and 3 months), he’s sure to show up at any moment after I relax with it.  Therefore, relaxing in it and/or believing it’s true, just adds to the shakiness that sets in the minute he shakes the snow globe which is my life.

In addition to that, there is also the sadness that comes in that maybe all of the negative horrible things he’s said and done since our break have been the only authenticity he’s demonstrated to our relationship.  The fear that all of that is true and all the wonderful, even before,  has been false manipulation.  I’ve written before about why and how unsettling that frame of mind is!  My mind begs to relax and believe he’s gone.   My crazy nostalgic sense runs  through every kindness in word or deed and questions it, feeling angry that I believed and accepted ALL the guilt and responsibility that came with ruining that for us… pissed off that in addition to my willingly accepting such things, he has also shoved huge portions of it down my throat so much, for so long and laughed while I choked on it all…as I already had far more than a mouthful all on my own.  I feel angry and it seems as though I can’t turn off these thoughts with any amount of focus and mediation.

All of that and I’m just scared about the current situation I’m in.  Scared out of my mind and feeling so completely alone.  But I have these wonderful children and I’m embracing them and my gratitude for them.  So when things get tough there, as things will at times with children, then I’m overwhelmingly just frustrated!  It’s as though my mind just circuits out and I’m so frustrated that I want to give in completely; that I ache for apathy, or some peaceful safe place in my life where I have a few minutes free from a million doubts and second guesses, free from the pain and regret that nostalgia weighs me down with…  and I can’t find it. 

So when I get frustrated or angry with my children, I wonder how much is actually that situation at that moment?  How much is mental illness, tricking my brain into believing thte gravity of it all is too much?  How much is the job and other situation?  How much is the fear and muck surrounding the chronic issues with Dave?

I don’t know how to sort through it all!   Even if I did, how much could I repair or adjust to a level I can tolerate and cope through?  What needs to be done when you carry so much worthless and needless guilt and anger that it’s eating you alive, but nothing alleviates it for even a moment?  I’ve read so many books about this, talked to counselors, ran away from it, ran straight into it, talked myself out of it, logically reasoned it’s lack of authenticity and accepted that which was earned…  nothing brings forgiveness to me.  Not prayer, not being told, not validation, not pity, not belief in the kindness of a higher power, not intelligence, not emotion, not rectifying and un-doing.  I think I was born with this and it sometimes feels like there’s  no possibility of ever being free from it…  how do you free yourself from yourself?  I am without a doubt my own worst enemy and torture-captivity genius, cruelly refusing to free myself from anything great or small, intentional or not. 

What is this?  How do I free myself from it before it swallows me whole?  I’m already missing huge chunks, I can’t afford to part with much more and maintain hope and faith.

More prayer.  More meditation.

 

The Space Between Lyrics by Dave Matthews Band
You cannot quit me so quickly There’s no hope in you for me No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between

The tears we cry Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again? These fickle, fuddled words confuse me Like 'Will it rain today?' Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies With warring hearts What wild-eyed beast you be The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again? Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in The madness of a roller coaster You know you went off like a devil In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love Is hope we don't take this ship down 

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high Is where you'll find me if I get to go 
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls Splash in your heart Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies Is where we hope to keep safe from pain Take my hand 'Cause we're walking out of here Oh, right out of here Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What's wrong and right Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between Your heart and mine Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...