Tweet-tweet memories

Early morning,  birds chirping….so many memories…

She was a junior in college, working the swing shift at a casino in Mississippi…driving home with Jennifer at 4 am, laughing,  feeling so brave, fresh, young, self-confident, and maybe just a teensy bit cocky!  Arriving home at daybreak and lulled to sleep by tiny spirited chirps.  Birds chirping sweetly mean freedom and independence and they whisper softly to you in your dreams that life is just beginning…

Later, she was married…waiting and worrying through sleepless nights for him to arrive home safely.  Sitting up with exhaustion night after night as she heard the birds sweetly start chirping, like an alarm clock confirming another full night of his absence…wondering why…  Wondering what…  Remembering his stories of frighteningly excessive cocaine use and bird chirping confessions regarding his first wife.  Realizing that this alarm clock no longer brought happy thoughts of freedom and a life unwritten, full of opportunities to create future happy memories.  Now this charming sound indicated it was long past time to lock the door.  Yes.  Lock the door.  Birds chirping sweetly mean your husband is still using drugs and your marriage might be a terrible mistake.

Some years and a nasty divorce later, she often stayed at his house.  Him….the only him for her.  The one who brought joy to her simplest thoughts and hope from her worst fears.  The one who showed her how  to smile while sleeping and taught her to wake with excitement and promise…the only one. She loved that he would wake early and go fishing…  Birds chirping sweetly as nature’s background music as he made love to her.  He hated leaving her alone in his bed and simply had to have her in the wee early mornings when watching her sleep made him want her more than anything else in the world… Sometimes it seemed more like a dream and the gentle chirping reassured her this was no dream….he was real and he loved her.  Kissing her softly on her still sleepy mouth before he left, she would linger in the land between dreams and reality waiting for sleep to return….knowing that when she next awoke it would be to his adoring smile and passionate, I-missed-you-so-much-before-the-sun-came-up this morning wake-up kisses.  Birds chirping sweetly mean that you are the luckiest, most loved and adored woman on earth and bring millions of kisses….kisses that taste like falling deeply in love  and smell like the fresh ocean breeze.

Shaky relief

After riding an an emotional roller coaster the past two days, I’ve hit the stop.  It came in increments and with stops and surges, but I do believe it has stopped.  Or maybe I just jumped off….? Either way, after a long discussion with a dear and trusted friend this morning, I’m feeling the strangest (unshakable!) sense of having narrowly escaped something truly horrible….  This brings would-be relief and also is leaving me with a very sick sense in the pit of my stomach.  Rather like immediately after a car crash, when you should feel just relief, yet that shaky feeling is still sitting inside your gut.  I’m having that sensation in massive doses at the moment.

I admit I’m hurting just a little and feeling a strong sense of disappointment, while simultaneously feeling gratitude and relief all jumbled in together.  Contradicting, as per my usual:)

I may not ever understand why addicts come to me in droves or if it’s my persona, their need for compassion/acceptance/whatever or a dreadful combination of the two….  However, I am understanding it’s far more serious than I’ve ever credited it to be and certainly poses a danger in my dating attempts…as well as my judgment versus my compassionate nature who wants to accept everyone for just who they are.  Bad, bad combo!  And I resolve to be better aware of this trend and run like hell at the first sign of its continuation.

Acceptance?  Compassion?  Hmmm… or merely a naive target for addicts to cling onto to try to make themselves okay with themselves?  I’m leaning toward the latter.

I am sad.  I considered shedding a few tears, but actually now, upon recent revelations, am feeling quite grateful that I didn’t bother wasting any of my precious tears over this could-have-been -tragic matter…and save my emotional vulnerability for a worthier matter, like Lent and/or the sad lack of genuine love on this planet.

I’ve the feeling it’s not over though….I may only be experiencing a respite.  But, again, I suppose I have to accept the fact that whether or not that’s the case in this matter is entirely up to me.  I have choices.  I have will power.  I have independence.  I have love…genuine love.  Not everyone has these..sadly, Danny doesn’t have the important one’s and I must focus on gratitude that I’m not in that position.  I’m in an excellent position, although slightly in shock and only a tad wounded.

We are one

I sat in a group of people today.  People I don’t know, most I have never seen, and all with their own stories to tell and the lives and mistakes they’ve lived.  Once upon a time, I would have thought I was different from them…maybe better, maybe worse, maybe more, maybe less…  but always different.

It ocurred to me as I looked around the room, that I’m am everyone of them.  All the bad and all the good, no better, probably no worse.  I could see myself in every face.  It was amazing!

I am so grateful for all my blessings.  Mark’s understanding and lack of judgment, Judy’s friendship, the fake friends I’ve walked away from, my phenomenal children. our home, my father, God, and every tiny thing that happens to me which prompts me toward change and understanding.

the sincerest gift…and great big gratitude

 

Marvelous experience today!

 

I opted to go to Subway for my lunch today.  After trying unsuccessfully to find a lunch companion, I was on my own.  My recent personal endeavor has been to do random kindnesses that can’t be found out.  For the past few months, whenever I drive through somewhere to buy something (usually food or coffee!), if a car is behind me in the line, I pay for their order as well.   I used to do this same thing years ago just randomly, but now I’m doing it regularly and consistently.  I LOVE THIS!!!    …By the time the stranger realizes their order was paid for, I’m already gone.  I love that this is so direct and yet so anonymous and I hope that it inspires these people to a moment of joy at the random surprise which allows no thank you or feeling of indebtedness.  Hoping they sense the delightful inspiration of kindness just for kindness’ sake.

 

Today, I did this at Subway and the cashier at the drive-thru got the biggest smile on her face and says in the most genuine way, “You know, you are awesome!”  I replied thank you so much.  Then she says, “ I know you.”   I’m thinking she does look very familiar, but I’m feeling badly that I’m not certain who she is…  and also that if anyone knows me in this new endeavor of mine, then to some degree, it becomes a failed endeavor.

 

Subway lady was the sweetest lady!  She gave me back a priceless gift today.  She says, “No, I know you from your work and you really should know that you’re truly awesome.” 

WOW!!! Although my little mission was somewhat compromised, I’m so grateful for the sincerity and beauty in this lady’s kind words.  I really needed to hear that (especially in regards to the work I do)

And now, I am full of gratitude at having had the opportunity to buy someone’s lunch and at the incredible compliments from this person.  

GREAT BIG THANKS!!!

Divine

Yesterday was so much more than I even hoped for!  I’m saturated in gratitude and bubbly with joy for this moment.  Beautiful!

I have no idea what it means and I don’t want to think too deeply about that for now anyway.  I just know that I am ever so grateful.  Hopefully someday it will all make sense and fall into place, like it once did. I prayed so very hard yesterday and was afraid to have any positive expectations at all.  I prayed only for the best for everyone.  Kept the selfish desires and motivations out of it (Or at least I tried really hard to!).  I prayed for Diivine Intervention inside my heart and my world, not to grant what I want but to lead me to that higher ground and remove my pain, fears, and nasty pessimism that occasionally settles in.  I prayed and prayed and prayed….

Could it be that I was heard?  I choose to believe I was.  It’s too beautiful to have been anything but Divine Intervention:-)

THANK YOU!!

Ilbe

You are so adorable.  My favorite fairy of them all!  I look for you every time.  You touch your throat as if you’ve something to say but can’t… rather like I do when my voice has become too weak to carry. …or are you letting me know to watch my words?  You bring peace of mind to my thoughts and hope to my heart that all is not lost.  A long awaited hope or dream…  I’ve let go of most of them except one and I struggle with letting that go every minute of the day.  Then you show up, letting me know that all is not lost.  I think I know what you’re telling me but I wish you could tell me straight.  Muddled minds don’t make the best interpreters.  Would you please clarify your message to me?  I am very happy to see you today.  You make me smile

Gratitude

Yesterday, I came across a person I know professionally and not all that well at that.  Mostly I run into him when I’m in court.  It’s brief.  Typically, “Do you have a copy of my report?”  And either he does and that’s that or he doesn’t, I give him one and that’s that…  However, he is one of those people who I get a strong sense from.  Not exactly sure why, but I always have and it’s a positive sense. 

So in a moment of absolute chaos and confusion last week, I contacted him at an inappropriate hour to ask a relative professional-type question in a personal regard.  It was strange because his name had come up in conversation earlier and later in my horrifying “moment”, I just reacted by calling him.  After some thought and gaining my balance back somewhat, I later realized this as inappropriate and wasn’t sure how to handle addressing and correcting my actions.

 

Last night after work, I stopped in the Home Depot to grab a few things and there he was!  How truly serendipitous!  We were able to discuss the situation and to my surprise, he was not judgmental or strange about the incident at all.  In fact, I was very much reassured that the only concern he conveyed about the entire issue was a willingness to help me!  In addition, I discovered that he had actually checked into the situation to be sure I had help (unbeknown to me).  He also repeatedly reassured me that I should not “beat myself up” for the situation.

Wow!  I’m very grateful for this man’s reaction and reassurance, especially as I know him in a professional capacity.    He shares the same first name and last initial as my satan.  It’s always been an odd feeling to write his name as “Dave K.” since that provokes the stangest feeling for me personally.  That is just an odd coincidence!

I am so overwhelmingly grateful for this kindness and respect.  Due to various recurring issues with the other “DK”, I’ve almost forgotten that I’m not to be judged and condemned instantly and chronically by every person.  And in this situation, I actually feel as though he could rightfully do so and  could not blame him for such an assessment, given his limited knowledge of me on a personal level.

It’s remarkable to realize how over time, certain “others” for reasons probably all their own, can strip you of feeling worthy of respect, compassion or just mere consideration and after chronic battles and an incessant need for self defense over anything and everything, you might not always realize how deeply that has affected your perspective of yourself, until the random genuine kindness from another.  

So, I want to be sure to give much thought and credit to this event and this kind person for opening my eyes to a few things and reconsidering my perspective of myself and the world around me.

Thank you Dave K.!!!  ~Namaste~

My broken heart still bleeds love

Take Everything; Take My Heart

Take Everything; Take My Heart

Yes, mine is a labor of love…  And it is indeed a labor as it feels some days like I’m carrying the load of the world’s absence of love…  To be ungrateful would be such a pathetic crime.  I can complain and whine (and certainly will again, I’m sure!), but that is not the brunt of it.  If I am honest about it all, I am so fortunate that this labor is paused on sporadic occasion by the most glorious connected-moments of sheer unadulterated bliss.  How dare I complain?  Just because at another time, these moments were connected in an intended-for-eternity frame of intention and now, I do not have the promise of the next hour, much less one of eternity, does not mean that the gift itself holds a shred less value than before.  I’ve just allowed it to be saturated in fear, whereas it was brimming with hope before.  One place is certainly more simple than the other, but that does not make it any less beautiful.

It is interesting to realize that on this day long ago, the path of my fate was altered by an event ocurring far away from my life and understanding (well I was an infant then, but you get my meaning…)

Today is Dave’s birthday.  I sit here as a human-like cheese ball of fluff and appreciation.  Because of this day and the existence of this man, I was graced with experiencing the deepest most profound sensation of love that I, to date, ever thought possible.  I can lament the loss of the structure of this love.  I can cry that it has changed shape and does not currently resemble the world’s standard picture of love.  I can complain that because of this wonder, I have also been harshly exposed to the most piercing pain and soul shattering sensations I ever imagined possible.  I could write a letter dripping with sarcasm of the 16 trips into the depth of hell’s despair that ever knowing this kind of love has thrust me…

But at the end of the day and with absolute sincerity, I must accept that prior to the knowledge that I could have love and feel loved the way this man’s existence in this world brought me, how empty my life would have been.  Empty of the level of understanding which loving someone beyond space and time, above all things ugly and scary, has brought me.

In addition, were it not for him being born on this day, would I have even known yet today the feeling of safety I always hoped I’d someday know?  Would I have yet (or ever?) experienced the wonderous security of knowing certainty that love was there?  Of consecutive days and nights of knowing for a fact that something which can not be physically seen was going to be there, no matter what?  That a person out there cared for me and that that would not  change in five minutes, or by the time I woke up or at the end of that day?  Sleeping soundly through the night knowing that if the monsters came, love would slay them without even waking me?  The unspoken understanding that love could and would slay them without a fight?  That its mere existence would chase them off wthout even requiring effort on anyone’s part?  Love is the effortless dragon slayer.  It didn’t need a sword or an army or any magic potion to conquer those life-long demons who had tormented me always.  Its very existence took away their power.  So although they attempted to visit me now and then, to remind me of that fear, the moment I was aware of their impending presence, I only had to remember love and they just were not so big or scary…  Good bye hateful demons who once seemed so powerful and permanent… 

And what about my lack of parental love?  Although I can’t claim honestly that knowing love with Dave corrected that entirely, I can say that it filled me with the first experience in understanding that I was, indeed, lovable after all…  even and in spite of my lack of parental love.  And even more so perhaps because he chose to love me.  He was not obligated by society’s expectations or the fear of feeling “bad” if he did not, he just did because he did; because his (unbiased by blood and/or obligation) impression of me was that I was worthy of his love and respect.

No matter the pain I have felt at the restructuring of this or the sensation of its losing the safe form it once had, I am exceedingly fortunate to have ever known of the existence of such love, much less be offered it and live in its essence for an extended period of time.  And the truth is, I would never have known such pain had I not also been gifted with such soul-filling ethereal love.  I am also so very fortunate that I’m still given opportunities to sit with it, play on its playground, dream with it, laugh with it, adore it, and embrace its source in my life…  I love him and because of him, I have been loved.  And the experience has made my heart (my very own fearful heart!) the biggest, strongest, most beautiful thing in this world!  That is far more than I wished for and perhaps more than many will ever have…  Thank you.

Broken hearts, blessings, and a birthday

Yesterday was very emotional.  I really don’t like those kind of days.  When my heart feels heavy and my thoughts are steering directly  negative, it’s hard to accomplish much.  Strange how writing helps to sort through it all and alleviates some of the negativity.  Negativity is so useless and crippling.  I typically avoid it at all cost, but ocasionally it seeps in and takes over and I just let it have full reign for awhile in hopes of chasing it off.

Broken hearts must be a popular topic…  Knowing that state makes me wish so much I could help others who suffer.  Other than a few very dear friends I might talk openly with at times, it’s one of those things I feel I must suffer through alone, right at the time when I most need to feel support and encouragement from others.  I wonder if many others are like me and try to hide it and minimize the hurt?  I’ve had friends who leaned heavily on me through those times and I’ve had other friends who I couldn’t tell if they were even struggling or hurting.  I just know I hate to think of anyone alone and in pain.  Maybe someday scientists will come up with a remedy for a broken heart.  Wouldn’t that be fabulous?  Then again, there’s something to be said for working through those things and fully experiencing that type and degree of hurt.  It changes a person.  Perhaps not always for the better, but at the least it makes us stronger!  I’m sure there are more pleasant ways to instigate change, but broken hearts seem to force a change.

I have changed drastically from this experience – in good ways and in some not-so-good.  Overall though, it has certainly shown me that just because it feels like you might literally die inside, you probably won’t.  It’s forced me to take on a fresh perspective and greater appreciation for life and love.  I also might be just a tad jaded, but I don’t think that’s predominant yet, as even when I feel hopeless inside, I’ve come out on the other side.  I hope that never takes over.  I don’t want to be that negative, gloomy, miserable suspicious person!  I wonder sometimes if I’ll allow myself to be ruled by fear when it comes to relationships now.  This experience has even affected my friendships.  I can’t tolerate deceit with the same compassion I could before.  And I also have more strength to stand up for myself against manipulative people  From necessity and survival instinct, I’ve just known that my tolerance level for such things has had to drastically reduce.  Also, there is this desire to connect, but keep myself safe from possible hurt at the same time.  I’m like a curious and scared little bunny, twitching my nose in curiosity and then hopping off in a flash the moment I sense I care enough about another for them to hurt me.  Up till now, I’ve never lived from a place of fear like that, I always had huge optimism and refused to accept anything less.  I hope my journey toward love will counteract and keep my fear in it’s proper place, so that I’m not “handicapped” from this for the duration.

Gratitude:  I experienced love.  My basic needs are met for my family.   My boss is truly a joy.  My children are phenomenal human beings.  My father loves me.  I can write out my thoughts.  I have a few terrific genuine girlfriends who care about me.  I have enough money right now to fix my car.  Dave and my children are alive and healthy.  Dave was supportive of me on Saturday through my overwhelming emotions.  I have a computer to blog:-)

I have so many blessings and gifts in my life, I will not allow myself to focus on heartbreak.  I’ve never been that person and I’m not going to allow this experience to turn me into that!  That creates nothing except suffering and I love myself too much to allow senseless, eternal suffering into my heart.  It takes up up too much room where love and faith want to be.  I must feel it, let it go, and move on with bigger love and compassion than before; and remain grateful for the experience. 

Wednesday is Dave’s birthday, so I wrote down a few of the reasons I’m so grateful he was born and came into my life.  That is all I need to embrace right now… I have always been a giggly, happy-go-lucky optimist dagnabit and I love that about myself, I’m not going to let that change!

Shoo negative clouds, shoo….

Whatever that was…

She did all she was supposed to do that evening (except the dishes) and then retired to her bedroom, exhausted from no sleep the night before… and a long day.  As she said her prayers, she gave gratitude for his safe arrival the evening prior and for the happiness his company had brought her.  She prayed awhile longer of other issues and gratitudes entirely non-related to him.  As she finished up, before she could stop the thought, she wished he would come back again this night.  Reprimanding herself almost the instant the wish crossed her mind, she recognized the selfish greed in it and asked that the wish be canceled.  She pondered on as to why that wish came through her mind.  Partly she knew it was from missing him; missing the comfort his physical and emotional presence brought her; missing the consistency of the happiness she’d had daily in an earlier time with him when their relationship was a loving, commitment to one another.  She had grown accustomed (against her will) to being without him.  Anyway, there wasn’t a chance of him coming to her again – not two nights straight.  No chance.  Even the  thought was ridiculously outrageous.

She had resigned herself to accepting the present terms with gratitude against the option of rejecting all associations with him.  She had chosen the former; again reluctantly and not without an inner and outer struggle.  She also had chosen to take a personal vow to end her own suffering and wanting him to be with her again this night was an unnecessary desire, not a need.  Therefore, that was a potential (and certain in this case) source of suffering.  Lastly, she had made a commitment to work toward elimination of all selfishness as that was not a characteristic sourced from love. 

Her wish that came forth automatically and sorely lacking mindfulness was in direct opposition to her chosen journey.  She needed only to be grateful for her time with him the previous evening.  Only to be grateful for their laughter and the intimacy they had shared only last night.  Only to be grateful that he was well and safe.  And she must stay focused on only wishing for his happiness, whatever that might be and praying that her basic needs would be met another day.  She was frustrated with her lack of mindfulness and the automatic veering from her current path.

This conversation in her head kept her from sleep, so she chanted “om mani padme hum” until she fell asleep.  A few hours later, she woke to a jangling sound.  Disoriented from sleep, for a moment she thought she saw him at the end of her bed.  She closed her eyes again to float safely back to the peaceful la-la-land of sleep.  More jangling.  What was that?  She looked again toward the sound and saw it was him.  He was there… again. 

She would not allow herself to question his presence.  No.  He was there and that was that, whatever that was.  The why’s did not matter, nor the what if’s or the how’s.  It mattered only that he had chosen to be there again and that he had arrived safely.  Aside from that it was only more to be grateful for.  Again she couldn’t sleep.  Although interested in sexual intimacy, he was far more intent on remaining close to her.  Strangely and out of no where that silly Internet friendship poem kept chanting in her mind, keeping her awake trying to remember the whole thing.

♥You’re the PEANUT to my BUTTER ,♥
♥You’re the STAR to my BURST,♥
♥You’re the M to my M,♥
♥You’re the POP to my TART,♥
♥You’re the MILKY to my WAY,♥
♥You’re the FROOT to my LOOP,♥
♥You’re the MILK to my DUDS,♥
♥You’re the LUCKY to my CHARMS,♥

♥You’re the COCO to my PUFFS,♥
♥You’re the ICE to my CREAM,♥
   but mostly….
♥You’re the BEST to my FRIEND♥

♥You’re the LOVE to my LIFE♥

Where on earth that adorably silly thing came from in her wanna-be-cluttered-thoughts, she just could not know.  It made a ridiculous sort of sense, though.  He was that to her and it dawned on her how child-like her heart really was in his presence.  As though she could let herself breathe and temporarily experience the sense of safety she had never known as a child.  Epiphany:  He brought this out in her; he always had…  It was in those moments with him that her heart was as light as a feather; the dark heavy anchor which had always  held her firmly down magically transformed into helium and the fears she had known from her earliest memories scampered off in a million directions like dust bunnies chased off with a broom.  She played hide-and-seek with them.  She could hold onto this and hide with him from her fears, at least until they chased her down again, but for right now that was another time and place.  That was not now.   

Ahhhhh yes… the most incredible lightness of just being… happy.  Thank you.

She decided against waking him and left him there sleeping in the morning, leaving him a brief note saying, “Good morning….have a beautiful day!”.  And she sent him blessings of happiness and peace throughout the day whenever she thought of him sleeping.  His drinking was a concern a few times and she had to re-focus herself back to sending him blessings and waves of happiness.  If the drinking was his choice and if it made him happy, then so be it.  That was that.  Whatever that was…