She did all she was supposed to do that evening (except the dishes) and then retired to her bedroom, exhausted from no sleep the night before… and a long day. As she said her prayers, she gave gratitude for his safe arrival the evening prior and for the happiness his company had brought her. She prayed awhile longer of other issues and gratitudes entirely non-related to him. As she finished up, before she could stop the thought, she wished he would come back again this night. Reprimanding herself almost the instant the wish crossed her mind, she recognized the selfish greed in it and asked that the wish be canceled. She pondered on as to why that wish came through her mind. Partly she knew it was from missing him; missing the comfort his physical and emotional presence brought her; missing the consistency of the happiness she’d had daily in an earlier time with him when their relationship was a loving, commitment to one another. She had grown accustomed (against her will) to being without him. Anyway, there wasn’t a chance of him coming to her again – not two nights straight. No chance. Even the thought was ridiculously outrageous.
She had resigned herself to accepting the present terms with gratitude against the option of rejecting all associations with him. She had chosen the former; again reluctantly and not without an inner and outer struggle. She also had chosen to take a personal vow to end her own suffering and wanting him to be with her again this night was an unnecessary desire, not a need. Therefore, that was a potential (and certain in this case) source of suffering. Lastly, she had made a commitment to work toward elimination of all selfishness as that was not a characteristic sourced from love.
Her wish that came forth automatically and sorely lacking mindfulness was in direct opposition to her chosen journey. She needed only to be grateful for her time with him the previous evening. Only to be grateful for their laughter and the intimacy they had shared only last night. Only to be grateful that he was well and safe. And she must stay focused on only wishing for his happiness, whatever that might be and praying that her basic needs would be met another day. She was frustrated with her lack of mindfulness and the automatic veering from her current path.
This conversation in her head kept her from sleep, so she chanted “om mani padme hum” until she fell asleep. A few hours later, she woke to a jangling sound. Disoriented from sleep, for a moment she thought she saw him at the end of her bed. She closed her eyes again to float safely back to the peaceful la-la-land of sleep. More jangling. What was that? She looked again toward the sound and saw it was him. He was there… again.
She would not allow herself to question his presence. No. He was there and that was that, whatever that was. The why’s did not matter, nor the what if’s or the how’s. It mattered only that he had chosen to be there again and that he had arrived safely. Aside from that it was only more to be grateful for. Again she couldn’t sleep. Although interested in sexual intimacy, he was far more intent on remaining close to her. Strangely and out of no where that silly Internet friendship poem kept chanting in her mind, keeping her awake trying to remember the whole thing.
♥You’re the PEANUT to my BUTTER ,♥
♥You’re the STAR to my BURST,♥
♥You’re the M to my M,♥
♥You’re the POP to my TART,♥
♥You’re the MILKY to my WAY,♥
♥You’re the FROOT to my LOOP,♥
♥You’re the MILK to my DUDS,♥
♥You’re the LUCKY to my CHARMS,♥
♥You’re the COCO to my PUFFS,♥
♥You’re the ICE to my CREAM,♥
♥You’re the BEST to my FRIEND♥
♥You’re the LOVE to my LIFE♥
Where on earth that adorably silly thing came from in her wanna-be-cluttered-thoughts, she just could not know. It made a ridiculous sort of sense, though. He was that to her and it dawned on her how child-like her heart really was in his presence. As though she could let herself breathe and temporarily experience the sense of safety she had never known as a child. Epiphany: He brought this out in her; he always had… It was in those moments with him that her heart was as light as a feather; the dark heavy anchor which had always held her firmly down magically transformed into helium and the fears she had known from her earliest memories scampered off in a million directions like dust bunnies chased off with a broom. She played hide-and-seek with them. She could hold onto this and hide with him from her fears, at least until they chased her down again, but for right now that was another time and place. That was not now.
Ahhhhh yes… the most incredible lightness of just being… happy. Thank you.
She decided against waking him and left him there sleeping in the morning, leaving him a brief note saying, “Good morning….have a beautiful day!”. And she sent him blessings of happiness and peace throughout the day whenever she thought of him sleeping. His drinking was a concern a few times and she had to re-focus herself back to sending him blessings and waves of happiness. If the drinking was his choice and if it made him happy, then so be it. That was that. Whatever that was…