Hummingbird

This morning, I sat outside alone enjoying my coffee and solitude…and sunshine in Las Vegas… Wanting to write, but feeling too disconnected from my creative source to actually pin point any topic or capture my fleeting thoughts…

Suddenly, i look up and a hummingbird has paused mid-flight and seemed to stop, turn and look directly at me!!  I don’t know much of hummingbirds, so i wonder then, do they perhaps fly sideways and so it just happened to pause directly in front of me, appearing as though it stopped to look a me? 

Intrigued by this random little momentary visit, I google the symbology of humminbirds and am delighted to find wonderfully inspirational and positive possible meanings of this bird:

WikiAnswers says:  “Hummingbirds, called new world birds cause they are native to North America, Central and South America, are considered to be symbols of peace, love and happiness, moreover, ancient pagans held them sacred for their tireless energy and anxiety. In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timless joy and the Nectar of Life. It’s a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances.  They are really spectacular birds, and have a lot to teach a person about self discovery and healing.”

Animal totem says:  “The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.Hummingbirds are signs of:

  • energy
  • vitality
  • joy
  • renewal
  • sincerity
  • healing
  • persistence
  • peace
  • infinity
  • agility
  • playfulness
  • loyalty
  • affection

And Wikia.com says:   “The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time.

The hummingbird is a messenger.

It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savor each moment, and appreciate the things we love.”

Beautifully inspiring!!

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Dead

He died Saturday.  He’s dead.  I’m in shock and submerged in my grief.  Can’t eat.  Can’t sleep.  Can’t think.  Can’t love.   Is it true he died three years ago but I’ve been wrestling and playing with his ghost all this time?  Wrestling and playing with my sanity is probably a more apt description.

I have permission to be angry.  Permission to grieve.  Permission to self-consume in my broken misery.  Temporary permission only though.  I’ve already devoted three years to the ghost of love-past.  I’m  not afforded the luxury now to dwell here for long.  As much as it feels I can’t and as much as I don’t want to, life must go on.  I must insist that it does.  I have too many beautiful blessings to let this injustice end everything.

Death is a part of life.    It just is.  A part of me is dying even as I type this, but my physical body is still gripping to life and for that, I should be grateful, not resentful.  I’m fighting that resentment.  Fighting the pathetic wish to be as dead as he is.  I am alive and he is not.  There must be a reason for that and as much as nothing makes any sense to me right now, I’ll just  have to find it and go on.  I’m not in charge today.  Someone else is calling the shots.  No sense in fighting it.  It has been decided, determined, fated, destined.  I’m just a drop in the ocean of the bigger plan.  My job is to just be/do what I’m meant to be/do.

Dave K. is dead.  I must go on.