Back to the closet…missing the kissing…

…and on with the spring cleaning!

Nude linen peek-a-boo flats:

Purchased online last summer in a frenzy of a spontaneous (yes, truly spontaneous in every sense of the word!) trip to Albany, NY.

Came across a man who went to my same school years ago.  he was a guy I’d had an adolescent crush on for several years in middle school and beyond.  One of those crushes so secret that you don’t admit it to anyone, not even really yourself;.  It’s always there, it just sorta hangs out in the quiet admiration corner.  In fact, now that I think about it….maybe it was actually more of an admiration thing than a crush thing altogether anyway….

So… crossed paths on Facebook.  He denied my friend request at first,  apparently because he didn’t remember or recognize me.  No real surprise there.  After all, I was the little girl with the crush.  He was older and more social than I. And FB friends we became….

A running inside joke regarding DK on my page between my friends and I sparked his curiosity, which sparked some one on one emails  and extended conversations getting to know each other a little better and such.  I was honest about my struggle to get past the DK thing as well as the fact that I was still sexually active with him and rarely anyone else, but mostly my desperation to move on from that situation/relationship/whatever it’s called.  At some point he makes the suggestion of just finding another, better lover and I’d get past it all just fine, with a hint of his availability to provide this phenomena.  Flirty, suggestive emails commence…and I’m enjoying this diversion from my broken heart.  In hind sight, it was probably initially intended merely as a joke or a tease or something, but I, in my true form of desperation and love of this newly blossoming friendship with a school-age crush, took this as a serious possibility and booked a flight to Albany.  Did I mention my desperation to get past the whole DK thing?  I did?  Okay.

Flight booked.  It’s summer and I have lost my favorite pair of shoes.  I do this might even be my MO.  I perpetually struggle to keep shoes and coats.  That’s just my thing, I guess…  And I need these to wear in Albany.  Online shopping I go in search of another similar pair to bring on this emergency voyage of desperation.

Off white (beige?) linen peek-a-boo flats….would go with just about every summer thing I own…shorts, sundresses, capris, etc…  Perfect! Purchased.  Then packed and off I go to Albany!

This turns into the strangest visit ever!  I still have this admiration thing from the 7th grade going on.  He is still very handsome, by my specific terms of what is attractive.  He is funny, he is very intelligent and he has an amazing dog…WOW!  I fall madly in love with the dog, by the way…no really..I mean madly.  And I do like him as well.  he is a fabulous cook, a brilliant host and I have a great time.  The personal (physical?) connection is not understood though.  Was there one?  I really don’t even know, but my guess today is not much, if any.  I wasn’t too concerned about this really, as the whole defining purpose behind the visit was shrouded in the mist of my love and adoration of DK.  Anyway, I was having a great time and I was far, FAR removed from the risk of connecting with DK while in Albany, so what did it matter either way? 

He never once kissed me in any passionate way throughout my entire visit.  I felt like this meant we were connecting probably more as friends and didn’t really think too much of it. Friends was just fine with me.  I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I’m sure.   Until….. we did connect sexually once…..  I was truly taken aback…..HEY, I thought we were just connecting as friends?!   I assumed there was no big sexual attraction going on.  What’s this now?!??

… and something was missing.  Sort of felt like a piece of loud, almost beautiful music minus a critical instrument.  So close to  hmmmm….maaayyyybeeeee??? …yet missing something big and  undefinable, like maybe it needed more cow bell or something.  Really still haven’t quite figured it out…

Ummm….wait!  No, I know!!!!  It was missing the kissing!!!  He never kissed me, not even *then*!!  Maybe this is common for prostitutes or even perhaps not so strange for a spontaneous voyage of desperately running from DK.  However, I have not once in my life experienced this let’s-just-do-it-and-still-not-kiss-thing.  I am confused.  After a few days, I finally ask him outright if he ever intends to kiss me.  I am far less concerned with the actual kiss at this point than the fact that I’ve never experienced this “issue” before. Do I have a bad case of halitosis?  Do I seem lacking in the oral hygiene department?   I mean What?!!?  (None of this do I say to him or ask, of course, but I’m wondering all of this after we passed the “just a visit between friends” thing.) 

He says yes, at some point he will kiss me.  Okay.  Just curious.  Having fun either way….no big deal….cool….

So, I have a truly fantastic little mini vacation with an interesting, attractive, and intelligent crush from way back when, develop a mad crush and obsession with his  fabulous dog…and on the way to the airport to go home, we stop for sushi. Delicious sushi, by the way! I mean…yummmmmy!  After we eat and are waiting for the check, he gets up to go to the men’s room.  As he walks past me at the table, he leans down suddenly and quickly gives me a smooch on the cheek.  Awwww..that is sweet, I think to myself.   He returns from the men’s room and says, “See?  I told you I would kiss you!”

Oh my, my, my…  Seriously, what was that?

Thank you.  Had a blast.   Good bye Albany!  Into the box you go little shoes…

Pink Converse Conversation

Spring cleaning and preparing for the big move and naturally, my (self diagnosed and labeled) Nostalgic Disorder clicks into high gear!

Pink Converse:   Remember us?  Don’t put us into that donation box!  NOT us.  Look at us… Date #2:  You met him at the boat dock to go fishing wearing us. You looked so cute in whatever else you wore that day, who really remembers?  But..but..but….  you could never forget that huge grin that spread across DK’s face as you walked up to his dock, just a little nervous, and with that gargantuan gorgeous smile, he said and we quote,  “You wore pink Converse!!!  Oh my God, I LOVE it! You are truly just too  beautiful!”

Remember how every teeny bit of your nervousness just instantly vanished?  It made it worth how much you struggled to put us on.  Wearing us was worth every swear word and every minute of the 7 minutes it took you to put us on.  And you fished and fished…and laughed…and kissed…and looked at each other with those knowing looks of a long, happy future of these fishing escapades…and the happiest ending that was ever written!  You even caught a gigantic (or so it seemed!) salmon – your first EVER, we might add!  The very same salmon which he cleaned and cooked for the romantic dinner you had that very evening.  Candles flickering, wine flowing as fast as the laughter and as smoothly as falling in love. 

Look here!!  We perfectly represent the perfect date.  You must keep us forever.  Even if just for the glorious memories.

Holding them up in the air to admire them I say, “Oh shut up you stupid shoes!”  Into the donation box you go…..

Thank you and good luck.

Rinse and repeat

  1. So, that’s a good start!!  I went through with it and he was every bit as terrific as on our first date…

The red car was suddenly there Thursday morning and stayed for some time.  I can’t help but wonder and wish so much I didn’t even know.  I have no interest in knowing these things because I’m way too interested…so much more than I want to be.  Interesting that the car’s presence itself was not all that difficult, just the length of time it stayed…  Brought back memories and I don’t want to think that (a similar scenario?) is happening!  How many Wednesdays there have been spent in random sexual encounters anyway?  I’m sure too many to count, but then I remember I was originally a Wednesday too…so I have to accept that anything can happen.  No matter how unlikely it might seem to me.  It’s really not at all that unlikely.  That is wishful thinking and I do not want it. 

Why should any base substance inside of me care one way or another?  That is so unfair, I could just whine like a baby over it till the day I die!   And who on earth would I waste so much time and energy doing that?  I will not.  I perceived the situation, thought of a million scenarios (good and bad) and then let my feelings wash over me like a heavy cleansing rain, hoping they would subside as soon as they were acknowledged and allowed to flow…  That didn’t so much work, but I’m proud of my effort!

I lose all elements of creativity and inspiration when I suppress these things.  And it only hurts terribly when I let them flow.  Where is the middle ground for someone like me in this position?

I am really trying and although I question why I’m still in the position to have to try this hard, I want to be grateful that I completed a second date with JK and tell myself that IS the baby step in the right direction of change that I’ve been praying for.  …tell myself over and over and over…until it might become real….

Humorless dating

Moving on in my attempts at dating, I realize that this person I’m dating is challenged in comprehending figurative terms of speech.  He is apparently a very literal minded person.  You cant laugh and say to this man, “Gosh, isn’t it funny how  everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day?”  Because he doesn’t get the humor in that.  After all, it’s impossible for “everyone” to be Irish.  You have to say something more like, “ Gosh, doesn’t pretty  much everyone claim to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day?”  Well this is difficult way to speak for a creative minded person like myself because I rarely speak in sheerly literal terms.  And quite honestly, I don’t know a lot of people who do.  My friends and I and my daughters and I get a great deal of humor in our lives from speaking figuratively.  I realize that although this isn’t necessarily a character defect in this man, it really doesn’t bode well for my sense of humor.  In fact, it downright inhibits it, as well as puts obstacles in general communication as well because you can’t use figurative terms of language and descriptions or you will then spend an hour explaining what you really meant.  If it was a casual remark made in humor, then the humor is long gone about 2 minutes after the explanation has begun and the point is missed.  If you’re trying to make any kind of point, then the “point” is lost 2 minutes after the explanation has started.  Either way, the desired outcome of the intended communication is lost altogether and what results is a frustrating attempt to explain figures of speech.  No, I guess there wasn’t a million people at the grocery store today because you’re right, a million people would probably not fit inside the grocery store at all.  However, there was enough people there that it seemed like a million people, you know?  Oh, you can’t know what I mean when I say that because really you can’t know anything at all when it’s something someone has just told you?  Oh, you have to experience everything for yourself in order to know anything?  Okay, I understand.  Well never mind about the cute little humorous story I was going to tell you about what happened at the grocery store today.  It really won’t be funny after all…   In fact, let’s drop about 50 % of every cute little humorous story I was going to tell you because you couldn’t possibly “know” anything I’m talking about.  

Hey, by the way, no everyone can’t possibly actually be Irish, but I personally find it rather amusing that a large amount of people claim to be on St. Patrick’s Day.  However, it’s not at all funny when I have to say it that way, so never mind about that either.