At last I can write – or I believe I can…. Typically, I write to process thoughts and mass confusion, as well as to ease the throbbing from the proverbial knife which stabs directly into my heart…and sits there…refusing to budge…
Seems D wasn’t as “gone” as I thought, as true to form, he has reappeared yet again…at the 6 month mark of his absence. The “FOR SALE” sign no longer sits in his yard. Its absence screams of something which didn’t quite work the way he had hoped…or another had hoped? I will never know the story. I can’t imagine I will ever ask..or learn the truth whatever it may be regardless, so I’ll not be asking!
Last Saturday, prior to any contact since June, I could not shake him from my thoughts. His presence lingered everywhere and quite honestly was driving me mad. Random glances at the driveway with the misplaced wondering of when is D coming home? The chronic expectation that he would, should be arriving any moment was leaving me with the distinct feeling of mildly hysterical insanity. “Of course he is not pulling in any moment, you FOOL!”, I consistently admonished my own thoughts. My eldest could not shake him either and we both felt this quite odd and of course, unsettling in its random constancy.
When around 11 PM I received a text message, I still did not imagine for a moment it was him. As only 6 months ago I would have been certain it was. And yet…..something in my gut told me….”Ahhh yes …THERE HE IS…” And yes, it was him!! I had to look again and again to be sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me! They were not..clear as day my phone announced “DK”. My heart felt it would explode…my hands shook as I grabbed the phone…my head spun so fast I literally struggled to read the words. Ohhhhh I sound so melodramatic! And the most pathetic and embarrassing part of it all, is that if anything, I’m actually somewhat undermining my strong, physical, mental, and emotional response to this tiny contact.
To cut to the chase and cease the temptation to provide every boring detail and subtle nuance of these text interaction that spanned a few hours’ time… After some inner struggle and torturous indecision trying desperately to tell myself, “Absolutely not! Under NO circumstances to you go to him damnit..NO! NO! NOOOO!!!!”, I went to him.
After taking me in fully in only a brief glance, he kissed me immediately…instantly…no moment of waiting or indecision on his part….or mine, in my response. And this proved that our kiss was the same as every kiss. In absolute mutual rhythm and complete understanding of the lip, mouth, heart, and character of the other side of this kiss. Like an orchestra who hasn’t played together in so long and yet they pick up instantly as thought they hadn’t missed a single day of practice… Our mouths met in perfect knowing rhythm, rhyme, and reason. A tiny (oh-so-tiny!) part of my mind, hoped in that brief moment before the initial exchange, that we would be changed somehow and had lost this connection and I would feel (sadly) secure that what we have shared from our first kiss through every kiss of the past five years would be altered beyond recognition. No.
And I didn’t even proclaim any hesitation or feign any trepidation at succumbing to him. Simple and silently clear as, “I want you still.” Yes, I want you still, as well. Like a drowning person finally gasping for that first gulp of delicious life-giving air, with zero embarrassment or cautionary thoughts, I gave myself yet again to the only man I have ever loved.
He spoke of his need for me..his desire…his daily fantasies of me through the past 6 months. And I questioned nothing. I know because I am him. I am his every desire, his every fantasy of thought. I am it every bit as much as he. Logic had no place in this moment in time..nor did rationality. Just the desperate satisfaction at finally being re-connected to my own personal oxygen supply. I do realize that it likely and probable that no one is intended to love anyone or anything on this level, much less need them/it. But after 6 months away from the source, I do not have the energy to carry on the farce that anything of the sort matters…or doesn’t make sense anymore…or hurts so badly later that I almost wish for death. He spoke of needing me and spoke of tomorrow…. I cared not that it was probably lies or exaggerations… my only thought was OXYGEN…AT LAST!!! The world stopped spinning and made sense again for a few hours..at last…
Several days later, he ignored my follow up contact…of course. Nothing has changed…or has it? So I message him that this new game of his was quite sad and he should lose my number permanently rather than drag me through this again…. no response…
Dreamt of him yesterday…the first dream in SO long where we were together and happy..no complications or hidden agendas and it seems I even was handwriting our wedding invitations at one point… This dream was luscious..with no anxieties or stress points mixed in..just the sheer comfort and security we actually shared so long ago…
Nothing at all from him though…. until last night around 11 PM again, when he texts, “I was wrong. Sorry!” …which progresses shortly thereafter to repeated and insistent “I wantyou” Come to me” messages.
I play the game and volley the texts and the subject as hand back and forth for several hours. I never respond to these directly, except one simple “I want you too”. Otherwise, I dodge his demands.
What I will never tell him is that I attempted to go to him, but my garage door was frozen shut, making it impossible for me to leave. I almost texted him this, but opted instead to at least let it appear as though I have some strength against him, some will power inside that provides the ability to deny him.
And my world continues to relentlessly spin. I feel no satisfaction at the false premise of strength against this insanity which circumstances forced upon me. I just miss him. I only love him. Still….