At last I can write – or I believe I can….  Typically, I write to process thoughts and mass confusion, as well as to ease the throbbing from the proverbial knife which stabs directly into my heart…and sits there…refusing to budge…

Seems D wasn’t as “gone” as I thought, as true to form, he has reappeared yet again…at the 6 month mark of his absence.  The “FOR SALE” sign no longer sits in his yard.  Its absence screams of something which didn’t quite work the way he had hoped…or another had hoped?  I will never know the story.  I can’t imagine I will ever ask..or learn the truth whatever it may be regardless, so I’ll not be asking!

Last Saturday, prior to any contact since June, I could not shake him from my thoughts.  His presence lingered everywhere and quite honestly was driving me mad.  Random glances at the driveway with the misplaced wondering of when is D coming home?  The chronic expectation that he would, should be arriving any moment was leaving me with the distinct feeling of mildly hysterical insanity.  “Of course he is not pulling in any moment, you FOOL!”, I consistently admonished my own thoughts.  My eldest could not shake him either and we both felt this quite odd and of course, unsettling in its random constancy.

When around 11 PM I received a text message, I still did not imagine for a moment it was him. As only 6 months ago I would have been certain it was.  And yet…..something in my gut told me….”Ahhh yes …THERE HE IS…” And yes, it was him!!  I had to look again and again to be sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me!  They were not..clear as day my phone announced “DK”.  My heart felt it would explode…my hands shook as I grabbed the phone…my head spun so fast I literally struggled to read the words.  Ohhhhh I sound so melodramatic!  And the most pathetic and embarrassing part of it all, is that if anything, I’m actually somewhat  undermining my strong, physical, mental, and emotional response to this tiny contact.

To cut to the chase and cease the temptation to provide every boring detail and subtle nuance of these text interaction that spanned a few hours’ time…  After some inner struggle and torturous indecision trying desperately to tell myself, “Absolutely not!  Under NO circumstances to you go to him damnit..NO! NO!  NOOOO!!!!”,  I went to him.

After taking me in fully in only a brief glance, he kissed me immediately…instantly…no moment of waiting or indecision on his part….or mine, in my response.  And this proved that our kiss was the same as every kiss.  In absolute mutual rhythm and complete understanding of the lip, mouth, heart, and character of the other side of this kiss.  Like an orchestra who hasn’t played together in so long and yet they pick up instantly as thought they hadn’t missed a single day of  practice… Our mouths met in perfect knowing rhythm, rhyme, and reason.  A tiny (oh-so-tiny!) part of my mind, hoped in that brief moment before the initial exchange, that we would be changed somehow and had lost this connection and I would feel (sadly) secure that what we have shared from our first kiss through every kiss of the past five years  would be altered beyond recognition.  No.

And I didn’t even proclaim any hesitation or feign any trepidation at succumbing to him.  Simple and silently clear as, “I want you still.”  Yes, I want you still, as well.   Like a drowning person finally gasping for that first gulp of delicious life-giving air, with zero embarrassment or cautionary thoughts, I gave myself yet again to the only man I have ever loved.

He spoke of his need for me..his desire…his daily fantasies of me through the past 6 months.  And I questioned nothing.  I know because I am him.  I am his every desire, his every fantasy of thought.  I am it every bit as much as he.  Logic had no place in this moment in time..nor did rationality.  Just the desperate satisfaction at finally being re-connected to my own personal oxygen supply.  I do realize that it likely and probable that no one is intended to love anyone or anything on this level, much less need them/it.  But after 6 months away from the source, I do not have the energy to carry on the farce that anything of the sort matters…or doesn’t make sense anymore…or hurts so badly later that I almost wish for death.  He spoke of needing me and spoke of tomorrow….  I cared not that it was probably lies or exaggerations…  my only thought was OXYGEN…AT LAST!!!  The world stopped spinning and made sense again for a few hours..at last…

Several days later, he ignored my follow up contact…of course.  Nothing has changed…or has it?   So I message him that this new game of his was quite sad and he should lose my number permanently rather than drag me through this again….  no response…

Dreamt of him yesterday…the first dream in SO long where we were together and happy..no complications or hidden agendas and it seems I even was handwriting our wedding invitations at one point…  This dream was luscious..with no anxieties or stress points mixed in..just the sheer comfort and security we actually shared so long ago…

Nothing at all from him though…. until last night around 11 PM again, when he texts, “I was wrong.  Sorry!” …which progresses shortly thereafter to repeated and insistent “I wantyou”  Come to me” messages.

I play the game and volley the texts and the subject as hand back and forth for several hours.  I never respond to these directly, except one simple “I want you too”.  Otherwise,  I dodge his demands. 

What I will never tell him is that I attempted to go to him, but my garage door was frozen shut, making it impossible for me to leave.  I almost texted him this, but opted instead to at least let it appear as though I have some strength against him, some will power inside that provides the ability to deny him.

And my world continues to relentlessly spin. I feel no satisfaction at the false premise of strength against this insanity which circumstances forced upon me.  I just miss him.  I only love him.  Still….


Tiny deaths of devotion

He showed up Friday around 2 am.  First time since the letters the girls sent.  I somehow knew he would or at least, had this sneaking hunch.  That’s rather typical, but more interesting is that Lexi somehow “knew” he was coming too.  Said she’d felt that all day long and instead of staying at a friends’ house as we had planned, actually decided to come home with me.  She told me the next day that she’d had the feeling he was coming all day the day before.  I think he intuition is far stronger than mine could ever be because she believes in herself and I’ve taught her to trust that voice inside.  So interesting to contemplate the similarities between us and the differences within those similarities due to vas environmental experiences.

So, I really felt he was coming.  We hung out for awhile debating whether he could stay or not.  I told him Lexi could not see him here under any circumstances.  That’s when he went into talking about Lexi’s letter and how he didn’t want to ever “damage” them, but that he’d only been here “once”.  For the love of God…are you kidding me??    I said, well, you might only remember once because you’re always drunk, but the girls and I are always sober and we remember 30 times easily.  What do you mean “once”??  It must be such a convenient gift to have memories only of our choosing.  I sure wish I were so blessed!!

So, after mild debate, I drove him straight home.  No sex..only a few kisses in the kitchen before we left and a few in the car in his driveway.  I felt really proud of myself for this, but sad too.  I would have loved to sleep and wake up next to him….but I chose not to regardless how much I would have loved that in the moment.

And here is where it gets  irrevocably disgusting:  Had lunch with my boss Monday.  She asks if he came over Friday.  I said “Yes, gosh how did you know?!”  She says she saw him out at the bar.  Hitting on everything there that has at least 2 teeth, stumbling around lost, and barely functioning while throwing himself at any female whose path he crossed intentionally or otherwise.  My boss said she was disgusted and desperately wanted to go up to him to say,”Sober up and go to her.  Stop this ridiculous garbage.  You have a wonderful girl who adores you and waits for you.  What the hell’s the matter with you?  Get over this and go to her.” 

Apparently his good buddies he was with just walked around laughing at him throughout this.  That makes me so mad!  My friends actually care more about his dignity and self respect than his own “good buddies”.  How sad!  And that’s only because they know of the man he once was.  My boss is now thoroughly disgusted in spite of all the wonderful things about him I’ve told her over the years and literally feels sorry that I love him at all.  She would now be about the 100th person to say to me directly, “You deserve SO much better than him.  You could way better than someone like that.”

And after he was rejected by every nasty and maybe-not-so-nasty(?) bar fly, he came straight to me.  He must have walked.  My boss said his friends were still there and suddenly he was gone.  He must’ve walked those few miles straight to my house.  I think of how sad I was that I didn’t hold him or make love to him or wake up with him.  …How it bothered me all weekend that I’d had to pass on one of the few deeply happy moments I can still experience (however pathetic it might be).  And then I think of the only reason he was here was because he was rejected by everything else and that it sure wasn’t for a lack of trying.  And I want to vomit that he comes to me and I struggle with the choice to reject him and I hurt for days afterward for making the “right” choice and not the choice I so want…  My daughter was the only reason I found the strength to succeed in making that choice.

Do I dare say that I felt the tinies bit of devotion to him die?  I’ve hesitated to even document this experience/information regarding him at all because if it doesn’t die at least a little…then I’m truly the most hopeless female that has ever walked the earth.  Yet, my fear that it won’t be enough lingers in my gut, surrounded by excuses and memories of the incredible human being he once was…tempting me to distort it all and color it inside my pink fluffy bubble of lasting love and devotion.  It’s not as though this is the first “unsavory” story I’ve heard in the past three years of this nonsense.  In fact, it’s one of the more typical.  Sadly, there are many far more disgusting.  I just feel the need to protect my love for him and not give them the validity of writing them down anywhere.

I do have enough hope this moment to almost believe that yes, a teeny-tiny piece of adoration for him has died.  Which I’m praying lasts long eough to give me the strength to see him without the deceptively loving and forgiving glasses I always wear.  Maybe even the deepest devotion can actually die incrementally in time with enough disappointment, deceit, disgust, and manipulation?  Have I knicked the surface even?  Do I dare completely give myself that possibility- that hope?

I desperately would like to think that if he came back to me this very second, begging and sober (too many times he’s done this drunk!), that I would be able to say with confidence and conviction, “I love you with everything in me that is pure and true Dave, but I do not choose to be with you again.”

That is my prayer.  To be able to say it and mean it…and not feel like  my heart is dead inside my chest as soon as the words come out and I watch him walk away….  If that is God’s will of course.

Heaven help me.  Thank you.

Are granola bars truly satisfying?

When you “like” everyone but love only the one whom you wish you didn’t. Complications are bound to arise.

And what is it all about anymore anyway? Is it all just a means to an end with the “end” being sex? Is there no one anymore willing to commit to the vulnerabilities of creating a relationship? Sex for the sake of sex alone… or sex for the sake of brief, momentary companionship? Is it simply to fulfill a base, animal desire? Animals mate by instinct, but aren’t humans supposedly more evolved than that? What is a world where we are all just responding to instinct without using our emotions and/or evolved conscience? I don’t disagree with non-committed sex, if that’s what makes one happy and is within a mutually agreed understanding, although I still see it somehow as a rather sad and lonely way to connect with others; lacking anything beyond two animals satisfying a need.

It makes me think of eating for the sake of hunger alone… isn’t something far more fulfilling missing when we do that? Yes, at times one must eat in order to survive and follow the instinct of hunger. However, my enjoyment of food would be significantly lessened if this was my regular practice. I enjoy planning a meal, shopping for all the special, unique ingredients, and then committing some time to creating something that is deeply enjoyable and fulfilling in response to my hunger. These are the memorable meals that are savored and appreciated. Other times, when I don’t want to take time or care into this, I can just grab a granola bar. I would never be satisfied if every meal was just a granola bar on the run…even if it is a delicious granola bar! Would I ever look forward to meals or obtain that deeply satisfying sensation of fulfilling a need beautifully as opposed to quickly and randomly? Personally, I would skip many meals if this was how I choose to fulfill my hunger. Food and eating would cease to hold anything compelling or desirous for me. Anything acceptably edible would do…

It was an interesting weekend. I socialized more than I have in years… actually went out to the bars with friends, both single and married friends. The married ones are in marriages where there is no real appreciation or satisfaction within their relationships and seem to blatantly be relationships of convenience and routine comfort. I don’t understand this and it’s almost painful for me to hear and recognize these situations. The single friends are all exasperated and frustrated with the single life of searching in a world of people seeking to satisfy sexual desire or a need for brief connection. Weary from seeking something meaningful in a world saturated with animals merely fulfilling something for survival. I am utterly lost in this kind of world, as I see both of these situations as senseless and hopelessly arbitrary. What’s the point to either? I just don’t get it. I don’t know how I could ever belong to one group or another and yet, there seems to be nothing else as options, except perhaps satisfaction as a single person, not looking for anything. That answer practically forces a withdrawal from these people and settings though. Your mere presence in these environments of animals seeking to satisfy a random hunger-on-the-run means that you will be pulled in… either to play, participate, or dodge and avoid.

I was there. I was smack in the middle of it all. So I played. Although I’m just not good at this kind of play. I’m far too sensitive of others’ feelings, when most likely they aren’t even acting on any feelings at all, but rather a driving force for some base instinct, which I’m not even fully aware of what yet, which obviously puts me at somewhat of a disadvantage. My only advantage at all, perhaps being that some people find me physically attractive?

I go out last night with a friend and I meet/see several men I know while I’m out. It turned into a sad comedy really, where I was trying to balance being considerate of the pride of three different males attempting to do whatever they are attempting to do. I listened to the offers. None of which held any appeal at all for me, but how do you remain sensitive to feelings and state something like that? “No thank you. That concept/proposition/whatever hold absolutely no appeal to me whatsoever, but gosh, you’re so sweet to offer.” There’s no way I could say something like that! So, it became a game of trying to say basically that (or at least obtain the same result) without ever saying it outright. “No, I really can’t have you over tonight. My children are home and that’s not a good example for them.” “No, I can’t go to your hot tub or come over to play scrabble because I have to get home at a decent hour.” “No, he is not my boyfriend. I am single, but he’s my friend and we’ve had dinner a few times.” “I don’t know why he’s hovering around me, but I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…”

One guy says he respects my no casual sex rule, but just wants to be close to me. Is this true? In this environment, I am no longer naïve enough to believe that. I no longer have the luxury of my confounding naïveté to those kinds of plays. I am at a million disadvantages here. My basic innocence which tells me that people are somewhat like me and so they don’t usually lie, although I’m starting to suspect that they do… Addled with the impenetrable, undeniable fact that my heart is fully vested in another, in spite of the fact that I’m single. And that if I were to choose to engage in sex for the sake of physical satisfaction alone, I would always choose the man I love…or go without, as any other option just feels too arbitrary to bother with and far more trouble than it might be worth.

So, after juggling these men’s feelings and trying to be as honest as I could without exposing my vulnerabilities or my thoughts of the whole game itself, or my hopeless love and devotion for another, I went home alone. I was happy to go home alone, as the the only other desirable option would be to go home with DK and engage in more casually uncasual sex with the man I love sexually, spiritually, and emotionally… the same man I have loved for years and the only man I’m willing to compromise myself sexually for in order to have the sensation of closeness and intimacy that I miss from that very same man. Nothing else makes any sense to me. And even if that is pathetic and hopeless, the more I get offers for anything else, the more I sadly understand that I’m simply not available for any of those options. I’m simply not available at all, much less to something that I see no point to and don’t understand on any level.

It’s all very interesting, but other than feeling forced to play a game I don’t believe in and don’t even really know the rules. It was fun on a learning experience level…but sad too that my vestment and devotion to DK is only strengthened as I’m exposed to these environments. I am certain that my “situation” insists that I will wind up a very lonely person with 100 cats to keep me company when this is all over. Until I learn how to play this game and obtain a desire to fulfill myself with random granola bars on the run or break the hopeless devotion to a happiness-gone-by, I really can’t see any other options or be open to them.

Freakishly sad and unfortunate.,..but fun times with the girls..that’s for sure! It was nice to have some laughs with friends and look around at what’s become of it all.

Billowing pillows of electrical currents


tree lovers

Oh my… I went to him today.  After everything –  I went to him!  I even thought it through first, long and hard and at some point I just realized that once the idea came to me, the gravitational pull toward him was uncontrollable. Come hell or high water, mountains, or oceans, I was going to him.  And I did.

I’m now consumed with why…and of course, what!  Why did I go?  I went because I woke up with an undeniable need for him; a desperate need like oxygen or water.  I went because I’m addicted to the drama?  I went because I felt strong and in control, as though it’s okay if I go to him, as long as he does not come to me.  That seems to be when the trouble begins.

What….ohh what is fantastic always, even better because I did feel strong, was strong, demonstrated strength (I think!?).  Brief moment of discomfort in the very beginning, but as soon as we start playing, the discomfort of the past three years just disintegrates like sand washing away from the shoreline…..whoosh….gone…okay…smile…HUGE smile…  Sighs and caresses just to play with him again.  Like the favorite friend from the neighborhood who moves away and then comes back for a visit…just sighhhhhh…..in absolute contentment that all in the world is just the best it can be at that very moment!

He wants me….he vehemently says this over and over to me.  And I know.  It might be nice if I could feel even a little power from that, but I don’t.  I want him every bit as much…maybe more?  No, it works so perfectly because that part is so even between us.  The overwhelming desire to experience every fraction of an inch of one another as if for the first time…and still feel like forever wouldn’t be long enough to explore.  Once we agreed that forever wouldn’t be long enough.  Now there are no agreements…there is just passionate, overwhelming desire for the rawest intimacy… intimacy  as though our flesh will physically fuse together, never to be painfully parted again.  Like the puzzle of my body, my life, my heart, my spirit have all found their missing pieces at once and the exhilaration of snapping them all together at the same time; feeling the utter delight and…. Sighhhhhhh….

He is so sensitive and soft with me in all the ways I forget are possible…in all the ways I forget I even like sensitive softness….  Currents of electricity  running through pillows of softness, the gentleness of your hand slowly waving through water, but filled with excitement, anticipation and deeply complete  satisfaction.

How will I ever not go to him for any length of time?  When will we be satiated to exhaustion with each other?  When will every thrilling aspect that just continues to grow whether we nurture it or not, finally cease completely?  I never could have imagined experiencing anything quite this oddly overwhelming and right, that is really not so right…(?)  And now that I have, I can’t imagine the thought of living any length of time without it?  Once a connection so deeply physical and spiritual has thrust itself into your heart and life, how does anyone fully accept that it is not and say goodbye to it forever?  When it in fact is…always is…whether we acknowledge it or not…it is.

He asked about our moving…are we moving…what’s going on with that…  Asked about my job and the kids…  I told him that seeing JW yesterday made me think of him (as though I needed that to think of him!)and that suddenly I wanted him, immediately, undeniably, and vehemently wanted him…

Four hours later, I kissed him good bye and left, happy and smiling that what is still there….  I always think that in time away, it will subside or maybe someday even go away from the ugly of all that negative garbage it’s been saturated in, like that forced denial will dissolve it all into never-never land.  It does not.  It only strengthens the need and the satisfaction.  Nothing dissolves except the softness of my skin into him, bonding us closer….too close…when closer is not even a viable possibility…closer and closer we go….  When continuing is not possible, on and on we go….

 Such a strange thing!