Reading JLH’s book, The Day I Shot Cupid, which is an interesting and fairly entertaining book, I came upon this passage:
…because at the end of the day it must be sad to love yourself so little that you’d be willing to become the joke, the cocktail hour topic, or worst of all, the reason someone else will find it difficult to love and trust again.
As I was reading the preamble to the point she was making here, I was on a totally different page as to where she was going with this. I was riding on a whole other train on that ride. When I read along and get to the above quoted statement and I stop my train dead in its tracks. According to DK (yes, in his twisted logic and mouth that can’t stop spewing lies and fantasies of comfortable denial long enough to admit to the weather outside), I (ME!) am, in fact, that girl. And yet, how can that be fact when he is, in fact, that same person for me…that guy? And if I stretch beyond myself and presume that in our own little worlds and our own little lives that we are both correct on this matter….what the hell? I mean, what IS that?
I’m floundering about lately, trying to figure so much…so much love, so much pain, so much twisted truths and blatant lies, so much WTF’s, so much slander, so much hatefully random mean-ness, so much utter selfishness, so much damage, just…well, so much, so much! After the last two absolute denials and random mean text spewing in response to my attempt to find peace, closure, and an amicable place to end this nightmare from hell, I finally just snapped. The first denial of reality(at least the first in awhile, that is), I felt socked in the gut, taken aback, literally a deer in headlights, but then the very next one was just so much more of random senseless garbage that I snapped and lashed out (and lashed out pretty “randomly” if I may say so myself!)…..I atually had a thought where I felt justifiable in thinking that this man has become so inherently cruel and evil-ly twisted that he deserves to die a long, slow, painful death. I have never, EVER, thought such a horrible thing regarding anyone in all my life! The thought itself shook me to my core. I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I searched myself for the saturation of love and gratitude that I typically can find for most any human being on the planet, except perhaps the most heinous of the infamous serial killers… Nope….not there anymore. I believe every last ounce of optimism, blind faith, and agape that once ruled the lush kingdom of my heart and soul, has been stomped and shredded to a microscopic dust of frustration , hurt, and resentment. Beyond what I’ve ever thought was possible. No, you can’t love hate away for some people. No, you cannot be so accepting and caring that a horribly damaged person will heal and become beautiful again. No, you an’t be so unassuming and selfless and take every stab of hurt and bullshit a mean person dishes out and think that this person is one bit more capable of seeing the beauty in the world and in humanity, much less in me.
At this point, the part that is most senseless is thatg I want nothing from him. I don’t ask for him back. I don’t chase him. I don’t try to gain back his love. My desire in this had become nothing except the bleek hope that he just might not speak terribly of me or think the worst of me forever or spread more lies and hatefully untrue insults to my character. I guess that in itself is a bit selfish, as it does still mean I was hoping for something from him and I’m not going to feel badly about that because in my world, those things are basic considerations which should be every moderately decent human being’s right on this planet, and maybe even all the others as well. So, I will not see that basic expectation as truly selfish, but more as me asking to be treated with basic and minimal consideration as a person…..me, asking for the only absolute right that I believe anyone and everyone is truly entitled to merely by their existence as a human being, with all the parts and pieces that make them human.
Is that too much for him because he hates? Does he hate? Or is he as completely apathetic as he poses most of the time lately? Who knows? I certainly never will. I lean toward believing the apathetic part, but then what of the nasty accusation explosion off all that OLD stuff when I requested some closure and expressed my desire to leave it in a good place? Requested and desired at this point, merely so as to (hopefully) not feel as though either of us have wasted the last 7 years on truly and completely ridiculous nonsense.
Who cares? Just more mean-ness and hurt added on top of an already existing avalanche of the unthinkable and often unspeakable crimes against my heart and assaults to my spirit… What damned difference should it make anyway? It will soon be over…like it or not….over…over…OVER…
And at least now, I can safely know there is an end to the pain being inflicted, even if not the damage done. This is the glorious positive in this whole last hoop-la of his bitter, hateful, ugly past 5-6 years! Yay!