My youngest daughter woke my spirit up a little yesterday with the sweetest, most heart warming conversation. She told me how she doesn’t want to grow up because if she gets older, then I will get older and then someday she’ll be alone because I’ll be in heaven. So we talked for awhile about the pros and cons of growing up and when the people we love are in heaven. She told me that she thinks she picked me to be her mom before she was ever born and that she chose me because she wanted the most perfect mom in the whole wide world. And that she wanted to grow up just like me because I have the most beautiful, purest heart of gold.
Considering recent events and the past three years of mental hell I’ve been through, as well as my recent overwhelming feelings of giving up on it all, I was choked to tears. I held them back for awhile, but eventually tears came running out of my eyes. I told her I was crying because what she said made my heart so happy that tears came out! Which of course is partially true. The rest was guilt and shame at what I’ve allowed him to create in our life. What I’ve allowed to go on for so long that it has become utterly inexcusable and totally unacceptable as a role model of any worth whatsoever to my beautiful children. And I realized at this point, if my children grow up to be psychological doormats or have extended relationships with emotional abusers, then I have no one but myself to blame for demonstrating that for three years of their lives. While I (with his help) simultaneously buried myself further and further in despair and confusion, knocking away the breath of any sense of self respect or feeling wothwhile. I allowed him to repeatedly knock the wind out of my sails or even steal the wind altogether….in spite of the fact that my daughters are riding in this boat with me!
I feel so frustrated at not being able to define why this is crazy and how it’s changed me so completely. Psychological, mental, and emotional abuse is so difficult to prove because it makes the victim feel like she is crazy and deserves it. I have gone crazy. I have responded completely inappropriately to random situations; looking very much like the psycho crazy girl, while he looks like Mr. Calm-Cool-Collected because no one sees what’s going on behind the scenes.
Not one to pass the blame, I always have to be sure I accept responsibility. No he has not held a gun to my head or punched me out or even made any verbal threats. In fact, it is I who have on a few occasions become physical, although strangely enough I have never before been a physically violent person. Is it wrong to say he has pushed me, molded me, manipulated me into something other than what I was before?
In the past three years, I have become quite shy and withdrawn in public… painfully insecure and mildly paranoid about being judged. More characteristics that are complete opposites of my personality before him. I could never say this is all his fault, since there was no physical force to accept these circumstances. No, just lies, manipulations, and guilt tactics. Not a single other thing was used to mold me into what I am today. And yet although there was no physical force, I have been changed into something different – someone different. And I just stand in awe of how this has happened. I think of all the excuses I made for his behavior when people were telling me how cruel he was and how wrong his behavior was. I think of actually believing in his deepest soul as a good person who could never be capable of intentionally doing these things…although he has been doing them for three years straight.
Why must I carry the burden of craziness? He accepts no responsibility at all for any of it, so why must I be worried about being certain I shoulder my part in it all? Why can’t I just hate him, blame him, and feel like I’m righteous and justified?