It’s been three days without writing. It was nice to have company and he is delightful…. and I also always feel a little lost when I go that amount of time without writing and attempting to organize and express my thoughts…
Feeling all sorts of strange things….extremely sad about Dave…afraid…worried….excited….empty….
Friends over last night. Funny I feel mostly the same things about that situation too. Like I want so much to protect them and also desperately protect myself from them. It is hard to accept and face all the things Dave tried to tell me and especially hard without the safety of him to buffer the bruising of my innocence falling.
I do not know how to love anyone else. I do not know how to perceive less than perfection…perfect fit…perfect understanding….the perfect piece. Everything else feels too scary to even try and even the pieces that seem like they might fit better than most still don’t fit just like that. I do not know how I will ever fully recover. I repeatedly tell myself it is possible; that it will happen in time…more and more time. And I get the strangest sense that I’m lying to myself with every reassurance. I can’t possibly tell myself it won’t happen and lying to myself is frustrating in itself.
It is possible. It will happen in time. It has to.