apathetic persistence

Confounding… Crazy…  Chaotic…!  He came to her again  yesterday.  On his way to work, stopping over to “thank her for such a nice card.”  When she said, “You don’t have to do that.  I didn’t leave it so you’d stop over”, he replied, “I know.”  He knew.  She thought he finally knew she wasn’t baiting him for his time, attention, or affection any more.  Ironically, that card had been her good bye in disguise , carefully worded to alleviate any guilt if he needed her as he had been claiming recently… and carefully disguised as a good bye.  Disguised so as to not prompt the “visit”  to check to see if she was still his….

Sober and on his way to work, trying for sex had not been a viable option either and he didn’t even attempt it with the few minutes he had available.  He asks here if they can “go for coffee sometime?”  What??  Was he serious?  He was sober this time, on his way to work, so who could ever know?  It could have been an invitation just “checking” to see if she would, his standard maintenance check to ensure she hadn’t completely shut him out. 

She  replied, “Of course we can, but better yet, I heard about the fish ladder this morning. Why don’t you take me there?”    Having never heard about this before, she really did want to see it, but it was also fun to try to direct and guide this little game of his, just in case this was another game…

Of course he knew about it.  There are several but he couldn’t this week, as he didn’t have a day off all week.  She smiled and said, “Okay, maybe next year then?”  And he gave her the look.  That look that told her he knew what she meant and detected her mild sarcasm.  He just rolled his eyes, smiling,  and walked out.  She had no idea.  Nothing could really mean anything anymore, even the fact that he was sober today didn’t chase away the memories of all his drunken, adamant confessions of love and begging for a second chance…  Could anything ever chase those away?  The absolute disappointment of the first 50 times, and the devastation of the next 50, as well as the disgust of the last 50?  All of which never happened because he “didn’t remember them”.  So… 

Most likely this visit was a pathetic attempt to confirm the information that she was in trouble.  Certain that she would cry and confess it all, he probably came over just to get the down low on the whole mess.  She said nothing.  She wouldn’t ask his help no matter what nor ask for his friendship, as she knew he most likely wouldn’t pee on her if she was on fire.  So, why disclose the whole ordeal?  She had just happily talked about the new house and how fortunate she felt to be closing on it at the end of the month, describing how beautiful it was.  He said he’d have to come and see it.  Now, that she knew he meant.  Surely he intended to continue the drunken visits attempting to make her his plaything.  Why would he ever cease those?  And given the strict boundaries he placed their relationship in, unless he knew where she lived, those could no longer happen.

What was this?  Did he feel sorry for what had happened to her?  Guilty perhaps?  Or just nosy?  Or was it even about that at all?  In his sober state, it was hard to tell, but again, nothing coming from his lips could ever be believed again after the destruction his lies had already caused.  In a way, she almost wanted to believe and in another, she wished he had been drunk, so she could qualify the visit more easily and confidently.  This, on the other hand,  was a distinct veering from the pattern he had created and she wasn’t at all sure what he meant by it, in spite of various theories. 

Although the fact that she even allowed herself to question it was just wrong.  Her confusion and curiosity demonstrated a total lack of progress on her part; more pathetic proof of her ridiculously stubborn naivete when it came to his manipulations. 

She had allowed herself a few moments of hope and excitement, focusing on the sober, daytime factor, and the invitation.  Then slowly returned to admonishing herself for allowing herself even those few silly moments.

How would this ever end?  Badly was about the only clear intuition she had in answer to that question…  And apparently never on her account or her will power, or her respect for herself….

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