Why NOT play Kick-the-Carcass?

09 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, Death, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, Writing Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

No consecutive hours of sleep for what seems like weeks, although I can easily remember not so long ago when it had been more like months, so I logically know I can pull through this “short stretch”.  However, when n the midst of the sleeplessness, it feels as though I’ll pass out, die, or just maybe snap into forgettable pieces.  I keep reminding myself that it’s been worse and try to be grateful for the little bits of sleep I do get blessed with.

Stressing the move, finances, the gossip and lies (of course, as usual), THE ex, the children, packing, moving across the entire country from everything I’ve ever known, living out of district for my kids’ school out west, my ex husband, and his motives and choices, and how they’re going to relate and affect our lives out there, so far from the only  home we’ve ever known.

With all of this, I’m struck hard with acute awareness of the severe alteration of my heart, my perspective,  my very essence…  Who I once was is gone, with all that’s happening now and all I am responsible to be and do, with all the fears that are hanging just over my head like a shark’s mouth ready to swallow me whole, I really just want to sit down and bawl myself sick.  Grief hangs all around me like buzzards and flies on a  carcass.  I know, I know…  This is nothing new…I’ve been a barely-breathing carcass for years now, my only traceable movement being the slight shakes and involuntary shuffles and slides  of a dead body that’s being kicked a few extra times for good measure.  Big thanks to Dave and friends for that lovely prompt..without it, the buzzards might literally begin to feast on my mourning flesh, not just the metaphorical feastings of Dave and friends on the leftover remnants of my heart, my soul, my reputation, my freaking character!  After all, at this point, the pickings are so slim and meager that I genuinely can’t understand the interest…surely there’s not enough there to satisfy even a starving soul?

Apparently so, as I can’t even plan my pathetic, late-as-hell “escape” without a kick every once in a while for good measure.  I’m struggling and fighting this damned sense of victimization which I hate so much it makes me sick even to write of these things any more.  Or maybe it’s that burning sense of injustice and flood of unkindness and continued crucification which keeps me from withering up and dying completely.  It’s almost cost me a great degree of my voice and I do not know what I could even be after he’s fully taken my voice and my ability to write.  It just might be my lingering indignance which is holding the shell of my existence together at all, keeping it from crumbling quietly into dust. Perhaps I should stop fighting this victimized-feeling and embrace it, allow it to strengthen me out of my hopeless feeling of being powerless, beaten, and small?   Hmm….

I have comprised a plan of revenge.  In my circumstances, I have no way in which to actually carry it through, but it’s a lovely fantasy nonetheless.  I imagine that many people love me and know the truth of these past five years…the whole down-n-dirty, humiliating truth and they are so outraged and angry they begin a letter-writing campaign on my behalf – no, on the behalf of all people who have gone through emotional and mental abuse.  Upon me leaving my home, he receives hundreds of letters from people who know the truth, faceless people who are not afraid to stand up against this man’s cruel persecution of my spirit.  Each day or week he receives lovely pieces of mail from people who know what he has done and refuse to buy into his lies and bullshit, as a regular reminder that he did not just “get away with it”.  And he, like me, has no chance, opportunity, or method by which to combat the attack.  He would just have to sit in it, regularly reminded of his cruelty, its effects, and his powerlessness!  Then he might have to spend some time in paranoia, looking at every stranger who meets his eye and wondering, does he know?  Does she?  Just as I still worry with every person I meet or pass, “Did he tell them I was crazy?  Did he tell that person I’m a psycho?  A slut?  A lying cheater?  Wonder what story  that person heard?”

For it seems, just when I’ve let the worries go and have convinced myself anyone who believes his garbage at this point is merely a victim of sorts themselves and is entitled to my sympathy, when I finally get to the “I don’t give a damn what he’s said to anyone”, another lovely twisted story of his finds its way to me…piling on top of the huge pile of garbage he’s dumped on me that I’m already trying to climb out from underneath.  And the exhaustion revives itself in me.  The sense of powerlessness and damned victimization I hate SO much, gathers al around my soul to begin feasting again.

I sent him a message asking him just to please SHUT UP.  Leave me alone.   Reminding him he has not a single reason at this point in his game to speak my name even, let alone tarnish it further.  He has won by yards and miles already. The damage done is irreversible even now.  I’m leaving and his story will always stand in my place of absence; not mine, not the truth, but his sick and twisted deviation of my person. I can’t imagine any greater victory for him?  So why continue beating this broken and beaten thing?  Does he really still get that much pleasure and self-satisfaction from it…even NOW?  Why not just SHUT UP?   No, go above and beyond to make everyone always, think the person you’ve victimized is psycho crazy, then you never have to worry about being held accountable for the cruelty you perpetually heaped upon her…  After all, she’s just “crazy”.  Nothing she says will ever account to anything after you’ve told that to enough people ad nauseum.

Why am I so surprised anyway?  Why wouldn’t anyone want to continue kicking and beating the person they’ve already slaughtered?  After all, she’s dead already…. It’s not like anyone will ever find out the truth now…or believe it coming from a crazy-psycho dead girl even if they did!                                 

Ohhh it would be Christmas every day to just imagine this letter-campaign of outraged people, addressing the truth to him which he feels he has sufficiently buried beneath his heavily placed offensive-tactic accusations and insults. He could just laugh away a few letters, but if hundreds came to him long after I’m gone, that would have to make him think maybe he wasn’t really fooling everyone after all.  His mailbox becoming the screaming, lingering Tell-Tale Heart of an Edgar Allen Poe story!  It’s a harmless, but juicy thought in my weak state of stress, fatigue, and hopeless indignation…

(insert evil cackle here)

WTF!?!! thoughts (or How on Earth did I get so lucky?)

24 Apr 2010 5 Comments

by lostintranslation11 in Anger!, broken heart, children, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, mothers, Uncategorized Tags: , , , , , ,

After some reflection from Wednesday evening’s events, I’ve formulated some thoughts and questions…

1.  On what planet does a married professional woman who gives blow jobs in bar parking lots to men she’s just met feel righteous in judging others as parents or even human beings in general?

2.  A married woman claiming she’s desperate for friendship who sees nothing “all that” wrong in sleeping with her friends’ lover?   And then hanging her friend’s character out to dry, just for good measure? 

What is that? Is that okay?  Do the moral aspects of a person’s character or life even have any bearing at all on these questions?  Do we keep all of this stuff separate while we are wearing our judge’s robe and gossiping through our journalist’s megaphone?  When judging others should it be just about them, where the judge remains beyond reproach? 

Hey, I heard Susie has been cheating on her husband for years!   

Oh really, so have you…

Maybe so, but this is about Susie right now….

How do you sit and reflect in judgment on others’ lives, mistakes, rumors, choices, etc, etc, without your thoughts immediately turning to your own?  I am incapable.  My thoughts automatically go straight to “Oh…I once did that too”  or “Gosh…I’ve done something similar myself”….I do not get to pass Go and collect 200 justifications.  It seems the moment I try on the judge’s robe, my entire life is immediately suspect and under the microscope as well…..  Immediately!   Am I just overly self-aware compared to the typical person?  I’m wondering why so many seem to feel righteous in their judgements against others and I’ve noticed that it’s often the very people whose life choices could truly come into serious question, perhaps in direct defiance of the Ten Commandments, for example…?  I’m not religious in any way and yet it does seem to me that the Ten Commandments are, for the most part, pretty basic rules of morality.  It shouldn’t require a membership or devotion to an organized religion to comprehend them and agree that they are just pretty basic ideas of common decency in general, regardless of any doctrine of faith.  Religious rules are typically up for argument and interpretation….only beyond the basics though in my opinion.  It seems to me though that the majority of people I know who judge the most and often the most unfairly are the very people not living by the basic creed of respect for others and/or humanity, but living their lives in a hedonistic, “whatever is best for me”, however I have to get it type manner.  And these people so often feel justified in sitting around passing judgement on others?  And usually judging the loudest, as though they hope the world will hear and somehow deflect attention on their personal lives and choices?  Or do these people truly have themselves convinced that their behaviors are all excused and/or justified, while every one else’s should be placed under the microscope and broadcasted for the public masses?  I have to argue that this kind of thinking floats around in the box of similarity to sociopathic thinking.  Although I’m not saying all selfish hedonistic types (i.e. ‘MY pleasure, MY best interest at ANY cost is perfectly acceptable’) are sociopaths, but I do see a similar train of thought here. 

I once read a book called The Sociopath Next Door which claimed that one in ten (I believe it was? Or some similar statistic…)people are sociopaths. I thought that statistic was a reach, but in reflection on the depth of denial running amouk and society’s willingness to throw others under the bus so to speak in order to preserve themselves or defend some irrational fear that a defense tactic is needed although there is no attack in progress, or perhaps merely for the fun of it (?), puts me in a place of thought where I can clearly see the one in ten possibility.  Not all sociopaths are on the extreme end of the spectrum, like serial killers for example, but I can see a direct connection to the low-to-no-conscience behaviours of society and the personality traits of a sociopath.

When people spread ugly false rumors about another person, are they doing this because they’re trying to protect someone from harm?  Are they doing it because they really believe the information and feel obligated to society’s ‘right to kow” and a satisfaction in spreading the news?  Are they doing it because they get higher self satisfaction in the (possibility of) mistakes and/or misery of others which they figure as far worse than their own imperfections?  And what of the people who just flat-out lie about others?  Do they actually somehow convince themselves of these lies as truth or do they spread it around, in full realization that they are lying? To me, the first indicates the possibility of a serious mental issue and the second resembles the thought processes of a sociopath…

And how did I become a magnet for these types?  Is it true that birds of a feather flock together and I just can’t (or won’t?) see these traits in myself?  Or is it that these types have excellent radar for  attracting easy targets?  Or a combination of both possibly?

Are these people so sick that they are to be pitied?  There are so very many crimes against humanity far, FAR worse than these, yes I know, which go on every day all over the world.  And I feel nauseated and sick to think of them…but these small little crimes against the spirit are so common and so accepted (or so it seems to me) in my little world that I wonder if it is like this in most people’s lives?  Is this the current “norm”?  Or am I just the lucky one who attracts more than most?

Tiny deaths of devotion

10 Jun 2009 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in broken heart, daughters, Dave, faith, fears, just messed up, Life, LOVE, respect Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

He showed up Friday around 2 am.  First time since the letters the girls sent.  I somehow knew he would or at least, had this sneaking hunch.  That’s rather typical, but more interesting is that Lexi somehow “knew” he was coming too.  Said she’d felt that all day long and instead of staying at a friends’ house as we had planned, actually decided to come home with me.  She told me the next day that she’d had the feeling he was coming all day the day before.  I think he intuition is far stronger than mine could ever be because she believes in herself and I’ve taught her to trust that voice inside.  So interesting to contemplate the similarities between us and the differences within those similarities due to vas environmental experiences.

So, I really felt he was coming.  We hung out for awhile debating whether he could stay or not.  I told him Lexi could not see him here under any circumstances.  That’s when he went into talking about Lexi’s letter and how he didn’t want to ever “damage” them, but that he’d only been here “once”.  For the love of God…are you kidding me??    I said, well, you might only remember once because you’re always drunk, but the girls and I are always sober and we remember 30 times easily.  What do you mean “once”??  It must be such a convenient gift to have memories only of our choosing.  I sure wish I were so blessed!!

So, after mild debate, I drove him straight home.  No sex..only a few kisses in the kitchen before we left and a few in the car in his driveway.  I felt really proud of myself for this, but sad too.  I would have loved to sleep and wake up next to him….but I chose not to regardless how much I would have loved that in the moment.

And here is where it gets  irrevocably disgusting:  Had lunch with my boss Monday.  She asks if he came over Friday.  I said “Yes, gosh how did you know?!”  She says she saw him out at the bar.  Hitting on everything there that has at least 2 teeth, stumbling around lost, and barely functioning while throwing himself at any female whose path he crossed intentionally or otherwise.  My boss said she was disgusted and desperately wanted to go up to him to say,”Sober up and go to her.  Stop this ridiculous garbage.  You have a wonderful girl who adores you and waits for you.  What the hell’s the matter with you?  Get over this and go to her.” 

Apparently his good buddies he was with just walked around laughing at him throughout this.  That makes me so mad!  My friends actually care more about his dignity and self respect than his own “good buddies”.  How sad!  And that’s only because they know of the man he once was.  My boss is now thoroughly disgusted in spite of all the wonderful things about him I’ve told her over the years and literally feels sorry that I love him at all.  She would now be about the 100th person to say to me directly, “You deserve SO much better than him.  You could way better than someone like that.”

And after he was rejected by every nasty and maybe-not-so-nasty(?) bar fly, he came straight to me.  He must have walked.  My boss said his friends were still there and suddenly he was gone.  He must’ve walked those few miles straight to my house.  I think of how sad I was that I didn’t hold him or make love to him or wake up with him.  …How it bothered me all weekend that I’d had to pass on one of the few deeply happy moments I can still experience (however pathetic it might be).  And then I think of the only reason he was here was because he was rejected by everything else and that it sure wasn’t for a lack of trying.  And I want to vomit that he comes to me and I struggle with the choice to reject him and I hurt for days afterward for making the “right” choice and not the choice I so want…  My daughter was the only reason I found the strength to succeed in making that choice.

Do I dare say that I felt the tinies bit of devotion to him die?  I’ve hesitated to even document this experience/information regarding him at all because if it doesn’t die at least a little…then I’m truly the most hopeless female that has ever walked the earth.  Yet, my fear that it won’t be enough lingers in my gut, surrounded by excuses and memories of the incredible human being he once was…tempting me to distort it all and color it inside my pink fluffy bubble of lasting love and devotion.  It’s not as though this is the first “unsavory” story I’ve heard in the past three years of this nonsense.  In fact, it’s one of the more typical.  Sadly, there are many far more disgusting.  I just feel the need to protect my love for him and not give them the validity of writing them down anywhere.

I do have enough hope this moment to almost believe that yes, a teeny-tiny piece of adoration for him has died.  Which I’m praying lasts long eough to give me the strength to see him without the deceptively loving and forgiving glasses I always wear.  Maybe even the deepest devotion can actually die incrementally in time with enough disappointment, deceit, disgust, and manipulation?  Have I knicked the surface even?  Do I dare completely give myself that possibility- that hope?

I desperately would like to think that if he came back to me this very second, begging and sober (too many times he’s done this drunk!), that I would be able to say with confidence and conviction, “I love you with everything in me that is pure and true Dave, but I do not choose to be with you again.”

That is my prayer.  To be able to say it and mean it…and not feel like  my heart is dead inside my chest as soon as the words come out and I watch him walk away….  If that is God’s will of course.

Heaven help me.  Thank you.

Knock

30 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE, signs Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Was woken at 3:15 this morning to a firm knocking, as though someone knocked exactly three times on my window or door loud enough to wake me.  The sound was so clear and crisp that I got out of bed and went to the door.  No one was there.  So I checked at the windows in my room and my daughters room to see if someone was out there.  No one was there.

This happened a month or so ago…exactly the same…and I felt it was a warning that he was coming soon.  Sure enough, 2 or 3 days later, he showed up standing over my bed at around 2 AM, wanting to “talk”, telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me.  Making up stories about my life to get me to defend myself and declare my undying love for him.  It worked in part, but I told him I was dating someone and would not ever have sex with him again.  He wanted to sleep on my sofa.  He was dropped off by a friend, so I allowed him my sofa.  He tried again to have sex with me and I refused.  Then he asked if I would just stay on the sofa with him.  I knew I shouldn’t, but I felt strong and confident and so I did.  We talked awhile and finally slept until I  had to get up to get my kids ready for school.  He stayed here all day. ..trying to get me to have sex with him.  I wouldn’t.  Then he started with the stories again…

Why were you at my sentencing?  Just to gloat? No Dave!  That’s ridiculous!  I went to support you.  I prayed nothing bad would happen to you and I wanted you to know although I changed my phone number that I supported you and cared. Well, someone heard you say when I was in front of the judge, “Every time I hear his name, I feel sick.” What???  Are you kidding me?  That’s absurd and hateful and if your stupid little friend said I said that, then he’s a lying troublemaker!  I prayed while you were up there.  I prayed that the best outcome for your life would happen.  I prayed with all my power.  I wished nothing bad for you and I certainly said nothing at all, much less something that horrible.  Hmmm…well, someone said they heard you say that.  I’m sorry your friend told you that.  I said no such thing.

Then I hugged him and told him that I loved him completely and wished nothing at all bad for him.  He held on to me as though his life depended on it and started kissing me.  This is about 1 in the afternoon, after his drunken night, so  I’m assuming he’s relatively sober at this point.  I just reassured him how much I loved him and told him I didn’t want to be used for sex anymore that it made me feel dirty and worthless.  He softly touched my face, brushed my hair back and told me, I’m not using you.  I never use you.  I love you.

Of course he was lying.  He’s very sick and I believe addicted to me in a horribly damaging way.  Perhaps as I am to him?  I am fighting this sickness though.  I do not want it in my life.  I don’t want to love him.  I don’t want to care about him.  I don’t want to fall for his tricks and manipulations.  I want him to go away from me forever.  I’ve changed my friends.   Moved three times.  Changed the places I go.  Stopped havng sex with him.  Started having sex with him.  Lock my doors every night.  Drive different ways to get places.  Other than moving to another state, I do not know what else to do to get away from him permanently.

After the warning knocks last night, I am afraid again.  I have no defenses left.  I do not understand the knocking and I’m hoping it’s not what I thought it was (and was!) the last time because I’m just in the tender beginnings of healing.  I am not strong enough to take him on again right now.  I wish I had answers!

Yesterday I threw the I Ching to try to get insight on what’s happening and received 31.  Influence/Attraction.  That was scary.  Then the knocking this morning….

I honestly am starting to think he might actually be the devil.  I still love him, even if he is the devil, but I do not want the devil in my life or in my house anymore.  Must triple check the locks each night before bed…as though that will keep him out…

Gaslighting

26 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, just messed up, Life Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

When I wrote of craving documentation, I did not think it was a necessity.  It was merely because I am forgetful sometimes, although not typically ergarding matters close to my heart.  Those things seem burned into my memories like permanent fixtures I can’t rid myself of when I want to!

However, it is exceedingly troublesome to be in the position to doubt reality.  I recall reading something about this technique referred to as “gaslighting”.  This term comes from a Hitchcock movie where a woman’s husband wants her to believe she’s crazy.  He tells her things didn’t happen when they did.  He tells her she did things she didn’t.  He tells her she didn’t do things she knows she did.  She gets increasingly confused by this and doubts her own sanity.  This is the perfect setup to make someone believe they’re crazy.  Although it is somewhat easy to dismiss this the first few times as just being mistaken, over time, it really does work to make you wonder…

No one thinks that documenting every encounter, ever visit, every conversation, every phone call or text would ever be necessary in order to prove mundane everyday things.  I think we should all be exhausted if we had to document every interaction with others in order to have verification of reality.  Quite honestly, out of embarraassment for the truth, I have not done that even here…the place where I really “let it all out”.  Why I would be embarrassed about things on a mostly anonymous blog, I’ve no idea, but I have been.   However, I’m now wishing I wasn’t.  Not that it provides any actual documentation or evidentiary proof of anything real, but at this point for my own peace of mind it would be comforting.  And mind comfort is hard for me to come by these days.  So, I’m really wishing I had blogged more concretely in dates and times and events. 

I did not.  And perhaps my embarrassment was what he counts on.  The embarrassment  does help keep things hidden and creates a challenge for me in the event that I ever might have to prove something, either to myself, him, or anyone else.  Although I just wouldn’t ever imagine that this kind of thing would be important to prove  anything other than possibly  a murder case or police investigation.  Couldn’t imagine it would be important to prove irrelevant events that shouldn’t even be up for debate…other than for someone attempting to “gaslight”.

Can I trust that I’m typing this right now?  Can I trust that I’m even sitting here?  I might not be.  He very well may tell me tomorrow that I wasn’t.  And when I attempt to “prove” it, by showing the blog entry with date and time (or some equivalent method of proof), he will explain it away, as though I’m ridiculous to believe that proves a single thing. 

And gosh, why would I ever need to prove such things anyway, right?  I should know if I am sitting here typing this; if I checked my email, if I went to the grocery store yesterday, if my favorite sweater is grey, or my favorite color is green…  shouldn’t I be able to know these things without needing “proof”?  And what kind of freak sociopathic psycho tries to make you doubt these things?  I understand that many things are based on perspective, like what something feels like to another person, we could never know for certain or have thet audacity to doubt their sensations and experience.  But there are concrete, factual things that are not up for debate.  You might think my shoes are navy and I might see them as black and in relative terms we are both correct in our own right, but we can’t deny that I’m wearing shoes, right? 

What would anyone hope to gain other than perhaps a husband trying to get rid of a wife “legally” by discrediting her sanity?  Or acting in terms of self preservation maybe?  If our behavior is so outrageously embarrassing that we need to believe it didn’t exist, we don’t “do that”, or we need to be sure no one else would believe that we did/have done such things? 

This is my favorite sweater.  No, it isn’t.  I have not been tanning in over a month.  Yes, you have. We went to the movies last week.  No, we didn’t.  I’m sitting on the sofa right now.  No, you aren’t.

What???!!??  Why would anyone do this?  How very, very cruel!

Sleeping with the enemy

21 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, just messed up, life transformations, LOVE Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

You were a vampire from the start

feeding on my innocence

I was desperate for faith

It was easy for you to lead me to trust

You – the enemy.

This rape, your rape, is within the law

A selfish persistent rape of my heart

Which your lack of conscience helps you deny

You’re good like that

I am not.

I have no blanket of emotion-less steel

to protect either my heart or my reactions.  

I was not trained to respond quietly

While being repeatedly raped

As you smile and tell me I am not.

I am raw and simple when I feel danger

I scratch and push. I yell and scream.

Yes, I fight like a girl to protect myself from

The cruel cold pain you use to slice my heart

To shreds

As you feel nothing but twisted desire

I don’t have the deceitful

Mechanisms you employ to protect yourself

And use people to get what you need.

I haven’t allowed the world or you to instill these in me

I don’t have the greedy selfish coldness you have

I fight against it.

I do not want it.

Not even with quiet predators like you.

You will kill me someday,

In the only way you haven’t already.

I will be dead and you’ll

merely move on to the next hunt.

…never satisfied.

emotional abuse

16 Mar 2009 2 Comments

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, children, daughters, Dave, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

My youngest daughter woke my spirit up a little yesterday with the sweetest, most heart warming conversation.  She told me how she doesn’t want to grow up because if she gets older, then I will get older and then someday she’ll be alone because I’ll be in heaven.  So we talked for awhile about the pros and cons of growing up and when the people we love are in heaven.  She told me that she thinks she picked me to be her mom before she was ever born and that she chose me because she wanted the most perfect mom in the whole wide world.  And that she wanted to grow up just like me because I have the most beautiful, purest heart of gold. 

Considering recent events and the past three years of mental hell I’ve been through, as well as my recent overwhelming feelings of giving up on it all, I was choked to tears.  I held them back for awhile, but eventually tears came running out of my eyes.  I told her I was crying because what she said made my heart so happy that tears came out!  Which of course is partially true.  The rest was guilt and shame at what I’ve allowed him to create in our life.  What I’ve allowed to go on for so long that it has become utterly inexcusable and totally unacceptable as a role model of any worth whatsoever to my beautiful children.  And I realized at this point, if my children grow up to be psychological doormats or  have extended relationships with emotional abusers, then I have no one but myself to blame for demonstrating that for three years of their lives.  While I (with his help) simultaneously buried myself further and further in despair and confusion, knocking away the breath of any sense of self respect or feeling wothwhile.  I allowed him to repeatedly knock the wind out of my sails or even steal the wind altogether….in spite of the fact that my daughters are riding in this boat with me!

I feel so frustrated at not being able to define why this is crazy and how it’s changed me so completely.  Psychological, mental, and emotional abuse is so difficult to prove because it makes the victim feel like she is crazy and deserves it.  I have gone crazy.  I have responded completely inappropriately to random situations; looking very much like the psycho crazy girl, while he looks like Mr. Calm-Cool-Collected because no one sees what’s going on behind the scenes. 

Not one to pass the blame, I always have to be sure I accept responsibility.  No he has not held a gun to my head or punched me out or even made any verbal threats.  In fact, it is I who have on a few occasions become physical, although strangely enough I have never before been a physically violent person.  Is it wrong to say he has pushed me, molded me, manipulated me into something other than what I was before?

In the past three years, I have become quite shy and withdrawn in public… painfully insecure and mildly paranoid about being judged.   More characteristics that  are complete opposites of my personality before him.  I could never say this is all his fault, since there was no physical force to accept these circumstances.  No, just lies, manipulations, and guilt tactics.  Not a single other thing was used to mold me into what I am today.  And yet although there was no physical force, I have been changed into something different – someone different.  And I just stand in awe of how this has happened.  I think of all the excuses I made for his behavior when people were telling me how cruel he was and how wrong his behavior was.  I think of actually believing in his deepest soul as a good person who could never be capable of intentionally doing these things…although he has been doing them for three years straight.

Why must I carry the burden of craziness?  He accepts no responsibility at all for any of it, so why must I be worried about  being certain I shoulder my part in it all?  Why can’t I just hate him, blame him, and feel like I’m righteous and justified?

Hauntings

04 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, just messed up, Life Lessons, LOVE Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

His ghost visited her just one week ago.  She was still trying to wrap her head around that…the things he said….the things he did…the insanity he displayed.   Would the hauntings never stop?  It’s mere cruelty and torture for him to continue showing up in this way.

And he so closely resembles the spirit of “the love” that it is an undeniable, inhuman experience to prance about for 15 hours with his beautiful ghost.  It all seems so real and so valid.  It all makes sense in that moment…but then nothing in the world makes a bit of sense after.  Nothing.  The world spins like a hurricane.  Thoughts and feelings twirl and swirl in her mind like water sucking down the drain….sucking away the fragile gasping breath of sanity and life she desperately clings to.

Why does he come?  What purpose does it serve other than harsh punishment to her broken heart?  He is so lost it’s painful to ponder his place..they why’s, the how’s, the meaning.  From following his painful path for so long, she is lost as well.  At one point they would have laughed, made a game of it and found their way together, but the forest they were now caught in is too dangerous and dark to help the other.  Faithfully following him for so long through anything and everything, she has lost her way and her purpose and no longer has the strength to reach for his hand…nor the ability to trust that it would even be there if she did…. 

She grasps at the flimsy straws, gasps for air, longs for freedom, and aches relentlessly for her lost spirit.  Perhaps his very purpose is to keep that from her…to hold her locked in dark pain and chained to swirling confusion.  It might be pure evil.  She just couldn’t know.

Thoughts and pieces

05 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, Anger!, Apologies, broken heart, Dave, faith, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How could I ever prepare for an absence the size of you?

I came across this quote from a poem today.  Don’t know the author for certain, so I can’t give credit where it’s due.  Apologies.

I’ve been unable to write much.  The scattered pieces of my pain have finally collaborated in their separation, grown massive,  and I seem to be unable to piece them together into organized words.  I think I almost hate you for that.

Right there was everything.  You said so yourself, unless you were lying even then.  You entered paradise, filled with exotic flowers of passion, sunlight of devotion and love unencompassed, meadows of abundance and the rubbery resillience of hope. Raping the land of love like a vicious sociopath.  And I hate you for taking everything and leaving nothing. You were a greedy monster and I was the hopeful fool.  Could you not have left something?  A broken stem, a withered petal, a tiny thread of light?  Ahhhhh, but you did…and that was the cruelest of all.  It was with that which you killed me.  True to your delightful “new” character of bitterness, you left only enough rope for me to hang myself with.  And I wonder if you were you smart enough to know what you were doing?  Today, I have to tell myself you were.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell myself that too.

Should hope sustain us?  Hope is the enemy.  As long as you have hope, there’s still something left to be taken.  Hope lives in the soul and can’t be taken without a fierce fight; not without taking parts of the vessel which contains it, as you clutched and clung, grasped and lied.  The only peace is when there’s nothing left.  As long as I want for peace, I am still wanting and cannot have peace.  To reach that place where you’ve nothing left inside, but if you’ve nothing left inside, how does one continue?  There must be something in there or I would be physically dead as well.

I’d better go count my blessings.  I’ve fallen in the pit of apathy and self pity.  Yuk!  It’s horrendous in here….  Let me out!!

 

January 12, 2009

12 Jan 2009 Leave a Comment

by lostintranslation11 in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, respect Tags: , , , , , , , ,

11.4.5 à 43/Breakthrough:

Breakthrough followed by establishing the emergence. Do not fight evil – let the power of renewal take its place. Riches should flow downward.

 

Reasons I don’t want Dave any more:

 

1.   He’s shown even his friends it’s okay to disrespect me.

2.  He’s spread hateful lies about me.

3.  He doesn’t care if I make it to work on time after I’ve been up all night with him drunk

4.  Didn’t care about my surgery

5.  Doesn’t use my name when referring to anything positive about me.

6.  His only motivations in life are pride and sexual desire: has no other defining characteristics any more, except alcoholism.

7.  Does not allow himself emotions except when drinking and lying.

8.  Continues to use me after I’ve repeatedly begged him to stop.

9.  Doesn’t care about my children or my family.

10. Doesn’t remember or acknowledge anything good about me or our relationship except when drunk.

11.  Drinks too much.

12.  In four years has only made one positive change in his life.

13.  Compulsive liar.

14.  Doesn’t keep promises.

15.  Promiscuous

16.  Doesn’t use protection regardless of the sex partner

17.  Has sex with anyone who is willing.

18.  Respects those who have disrespected him.

19.  Cares nothing of love, loyalty, or devotion.

20.  Can only feel things when drunk.

21.  Doesn’t make me laugh anymore

22.  The sex is mostly average at this point.

23.  My smoking has tripled in the past three years because of the stress from him.

24. Doesn’t care about my life or my emotions except to use them to manipulate me.

25.  Doesn’t think it’s wrong for him to tell lies.

26.  Has sex with married people.

27.  Only cares about his penis and his ignorant friends

28.  Prefers ignorance and believes he’s not.

29.   Believes all lies about me no matter how ridiculous.

30.  Abortion.

31.  Emotionally abusive for three years.

32.  Selfish

33.  Cruel.

34.  Thinks disrespecting me is “funny”.

35.  Calls me psycho when I defend myself.

36.  Materialistic.

37.  Has no concern for my well being, my health, or my happiness.

38.  Too weak to tell the truth to his friends or me

39.  Lies to everyone.

40.  Has no conscience for the damage he does/has done.

41.  Has no respect for others.

42.  Adverse effects to my mental and physical health.

43.  Laughs at my pain.

 44.  My daughters have spent three years watching him disrespect me.

45.  Lexi is now afraid of him.

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