Did John-Boy seem the vengeful type…or was it just me?
17 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Ex's, John Boy, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: broken dreams, broken heart, Broken hearts, confusion, destruction, disappontment, fucked up, hope, lies, Life Lessons, lost spirit, LOVE, manipulation, memories, relationships, revenge
She was torn between desperately seeking the stability and love she’d never known and enjoying her relatively new freedom. She was seeking her own identity, uncomfortable and unsure in her own skin and never quite sure why she warranted so much attention and certainly not at all sure how to handle such attention politely, without hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not that she had not been told she was beautiful by boys and men before or wanted by many, it was that she literally could not see that or comprehend the possibility. She was a dry sponge full of holes, seeking all the love and attention she had never felt before. She certainly wasn’t a slut in any sexually promiscuous sense, but perhaps she did fit the description of an attention whore. She couldn’t understand how anyone could love her or think her beautiful in any definition of the word. In spite of her need for freedom, she longed with every part of her being to feel loved and to believe she was beautiful in someone’s eyes…to feel accepted just as she was, flaws and holes and all…
Unfortunately, she felt the closest to beautiful and worthy when she was making other people feel good about themselves and this would eventually be her slow demise in satisfying her own deepest hopes, but that’s another story entirely. There was a supply and demand in effect seemingly at all times. Men longed for her attention and she longed to make people feel good. She could spend hours talking to a stranger in a club about his job, his school, his relationships, his dreams, his broken heart, anything…and treat him as if he was the only person on the planet for the duration of that conversation…often to the annoyance of her friends and/or boyfriends.
By her early twenties, she had ended two significant relationships. The relationships themselves weren’t bad per se, but she was a lost and meandering spirit. It was almost as if once the relationship reached a mutually satisfying point, she felt her “work there was done” and her attention needed to go to the next soul seeking her heart, time, and attention. So after ending two serious LTR’s, which did not go quietly, she finally conceded to her long-subdued need for freedom and her completely suppressed wild at heart nature… She dreaded the thought of committing to a relationship with a man because it seemed somehow to always eventually end with a hurt man and her feeling as though her effort to make someone feel loved and important always began with the best of intentions and resulted in their broken heart. This was not at all what she wanted.
So after ending an engagement with a terrific man who loved her in the most beautifully endearing and devoted way and running straight into the arms of an abuser, she resolved to stay free. In her partying and carousing with friends she only gave a few hours of dedication to anyone and moved on to someone else…until she inadvertently and unintentionally met John. Strange that she’d caught him watching her quietly on many occasions and took note of him. She found him truly handsome in the most adorable boy-next-door way, but he never approached except nonchalantly in passing. After several of these incidents, they finally had an actual conversation. He was so damned likeable and undeniably adorable. She loved his eyes – the way they watched her quietly without attempting to connect with her or pick her up (ugh!) and she loved the way he innocently made her laugh without even trying. She spent several platonic evenings with him, just partying and having fun.
Since this started innocently enough, she felt no warnings that trouble was brewing. They were both having a blast and neither seemed intent upon choking the other’s freedom, but they enjoyed their time together so much each day would follow into the next. She even discovered that he was a few years younger than she and it didn’t matter at all to her. He wasn’t even jealous of her flirty personalityand he gave her total trust and freedom!!!! She loved this. Could it be he actually understood her? It seemed natural that suddenly one day she realized that their affections had grown big and they were spending all of their free time together…and she didn’t even want to change that or run from it…were they falling in love?
Yes, it seemed so. This realization hit when she received acceptance to the school she’d applied to upon her last release from a relationship. She had applied in a moment of freedom and need to not be held back from her goals again…a brief respite between obligations. But against her design and intention, he was now in love and she loved him in return as well. Uh-oh..scary, as this never ended well for her. Always seemed to end in a flurry of anger, broken hearts and her immersion in guilt which provoked a need in her to run far, far away.
It was a difficult situation, but they were young, confident with one another, and happy…therefore this could still work. Right? No one had to get hurt this time. Long distance relationships could work for truly happy couples. Besides, she just wanted to go finish her education at the school of her choosing, not date around or get involved in any relationships. This should be easy.
They missed each other terribly, though. The connection was difficult to maintain from such a distance. And she was immersed in the collegiate life while he was in the town he grew up in and working the job he intended to work forever. She wasn’t dating anyone else, but she had a few study friends whom she enjoyed hanging out with as well. They had little in common under these circumstances and their phone calls started feeling like a “duty” to her, not an enjoyment. He planned a visit.
On this visit, he mentioned shopping for a promise ring to cement their relationship and their desire to progress into the next natural step for a happy couple. Except, his visit, his presence, annoyed her. She didn’t know why. She still loved him. She just couldn’t feel or find that connection to him anymore once she was removed from their little shared town, at least not enough to accept a promise ring or in good conscience, continue the relationship that was stunted for her and clearly still growing stronger for him. After a few days of his visit, she discussed this with him and ended the relationship. She felt sick to do this, she adored him, but she felt it was the right thing to do in the midst of her confusion confounded and highlighted by his devoted certainty. It was over. He left. She could tell he was very hurt and she hated that, but he didn’t seem angry and for that, she was so grateful that it almost sparked her feelings again…but not quite enough to change her choice in the matter. She had to be fair to him. He deserved at least that and her conscience refused to accept less for him.
Fast forward five or six years.
Back in their hometown for a few years now, she was a single mother, scared and still lost. One night she runs into him at a bar. They start talking and reconnecting. Inside she is scared and far more damaged than she was years before. In her loneliness and fear, he represents something good and safe to her. She decides to go home with him. After all, it’s John Boy. The safest place she’d known at this point. He’d never gotten angry at her for who she was. On the contrary, he had always seemed to understand her when no one else could. Ahhhhhh…safety and sincerity.
When they woke up the next morning, she felt happy to be next to him. No it wasn’t the answer to everything of course, but it was a safe and familiar place at last and she had always adored him anyway.
As he was driving her home, he said, “I don’t want you. I just wanted to pay you back for breaking my heart all those years ago…. How does it feel?” Her heart ripped as he laughed.
Well done John Boy…very cruel effective.
Why NOT play Kick-the-Carcass?
09 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, Death, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, Writing Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken, broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., destruction, dysfunction, fears, fucked up, heartbreak, hopeless, insanity, lies, Life Lessons, lost spirit, manipulation, sociopaths, wishes
No consecutive hours of sleep for what seems like weeks, although I can easily remember not so long ago when it had been more like months, so I logically know I can pull through this “short stretch”. However, when n the midst of the sleeplessness, it feels as though I’ll pass out, die, or just maybe snap into forgettable pieces. I keep reminding myself that it’s been worse and try to be grateful for the little bits of sleep I do get blessed with.
Stressing the move, finances, the gossip and lies (of course, as usual), THE ex, the children, packing, moving across the entire country from everything I’ve ever known, living out of district for my kids’ school out west, my ex husband, and his motives and choices, and how they’re going to relate and affect our lives out there, so far from the only home we’ve ever known.
With all of this, I’m struck hard with acute awareness of the severe alteration of my heart, my perspective, my very essence… Who I once was is gone, with all that’s happening now and all I am responsible to be and do, with all the fears that are hanging just over my head like a shark’s mouth ready to swallow me whole, I really just want to sit down and bawl myself sick. Grief hangs all around me like buzzards and flies on a carcass. I know, I know… This is nothing new…I’ve been a barely-breathing carcass for years now, my only traceable movement being the slight shakes and involuntary shuffles and slides of a dead body that’s being kicked a few extra times for good measure. Big thanks to Dave and friends for that lovely prompt..without it, the buzzards might literally begin to feast on my mourning flesh, not just the metaphorical feastings of Dave and friends on the leftover remnants of my heart, my soul, my reputation, my freaking character! After all, at this point, the pickings are so slim and meager that I genuinely can’t understand the interest…surely there’s not enough there to satisfy even a starving soul?
Apparently so, as I can’t even plan my pathetic, late-as-hell “escape” without a kick every once in a while for good measure. I’m struggling and fighting this damned sense of victimization which I hate so much it makes me sick even to write of these things any more. Or maybe it’s that burning sense of injustice and flood of unkindness and continued crucification which keeps me from withering up and dying completely. It’s almost cost me a great degree of my voice and I do not know what I could even be after he’s fully taken my voice and my ability to write. It just might be my lingering indignance which is holding the shell of my existence together at all, keeping it from crumbling quietly into dust. Perhaps I should stop fighting this victimized-feeling and embrace it, allow it to strengthen me out of my hopeless feeling of being powerless, beaten, and small? Hmm….
I have comprised a plan of revenge. In my circumstances, I have no way in which to actually carry it through, but it’s a lovely fantasy nonetheless. I imagine that many people love me and know the truth of these past five years…the whole down-n-dirty, humiliating truth and they are so outraged and angry they begin a letter-writing campaign on my behalf – no, on the behalf of all people who have gone through emotional and mental abuse. Upon me leaving my home, he receives hundreds of letters from people who know the truth, faceless people who are not afraid to stand up against this man’s cruel persecution of my spirit. Each day or week he receives lovely pieces of mail from people who know what he has done and refuse to buy into his lies and bullshit, as a regular reminder that he did not just “get away with it”. And he, like me, has no chance, opportunity, or method by which to combat the attack. He would just have to sit in it, regularly reminded of his cruelty, its effects, and his powerlessness! Then he might have to spend some time in paranoia, looking at every stranger who meets his eye and wondering, does he know? Does she? Just as I still worry with every person I meet or pass, “Did he tell them I was crazy? Did he tell that person I’m a psycho? A slut? A lying cheater? Wonder what story that person heard?”
For it seems, just when I’ve let the worries go and have convinced myself anyone who believes his garbage at this point is merely a victim of sorts themselves and is entitled to my sympathy, when I finally get to the “I don’t give a damn what he’s said to anyone”, another lovely twisted story of his finds its way to me…piling on top of the huge pile of garbage he’s dumped on me that I’m already trying to climb out from underneath. And the exhaustion revives itself in me. The sense of powerlessness and damned victimization I hate SO much, gathers al around my soul to begin feasting again.
I sent him a message asking him just to please SHUT UP. Leave me alone. Reminding him he has not a single reason at this point in his game to speak my name even, let alone tarnish it further. He has won by yards and miles already. The damage done is irreversible even now. I’m leaving and his story will always stand in my place of absence; not mine, not the truth, but his sick and twisted deviation of my person. I can’t imagine any greater victory for him? So why continue beating this broken and beaten thing? Does he really still get that much pleasure and self-satisfaction from it…even NOW? Why not just SHUT UP? No, go above and beyond to make everyone always, think the person you’ve victimized is psycho crazy, then you never have to worry about being held accountable for the cruelty you perpetually heaped upon her… After all, she’s just “crazy”. Nothing she says will ever account to anything after you’ve told that to enough people ad nauseum.
Why am I so surprised anyway? Why wouldn’t anyone want to continue kicking and beating the person they’ve already slaughtered? After all, she’s dead already…. It’s not like anyone will ever find out the truth now…or believe it coming from a crazy-psycho dead girl even if they did!
Ohhh it would be Christmas every day to just imagine this letter-campaign of outraged people, addressing the truth to him which he feels he has sufficiently buried beneath his heavily placed offensive-tactic accusations and insults. He could just laugh away a few letters, but if hundreds came to him long after I’m gone, that would have to make him think maybe he wasn’t really fooling everyone after all. His mailbox becoming the screaming, lingering Tell-Tale Heart of an Edgar Allen Poe story! It’s a harmless, but juicy thought in my weak state of stress, fatigue, and hopeless indignation…
(insert evil cackle here)
WTF!?!! thoughts (or How on Earth did I get so lucky?)
24 Apr 2010 5 Comments
in Anger!, broken heart, children, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, mothers, Uncategorized Tags: fucked up, hateful people, lies, Life, society, sociopaths, the absurd
After some reflection from Wednesday evening’s events, I’ve formulated some thoughts and questions…
1. On what planet does a married professional woman who gives blow jobs in bar parking lots to men she’s just met feel righteous in judging others as parents or even human beings in general?
2. A married woman claiming she’s desperate for friendship who sees nothing “all that” wrong in sleeping with her friends’ lover? And then hanging her friend’s character out to dry, just for good measure?
What is that? Is that okay? Do the moral aspects of a person’s character or life even have any bearing at all on these questions? Do we keep all of this stuff separate while we are wearing our judge’s robe and gossiping through our journalist’s megaphone? When judging others should it be just about them, where the judge remains beyond reproach?
Hey, I heard Susie has been cheating on her husband for years!
Oh really, so have you…
Maybe so, but this is about Susie right now….
How do you sit and reflect in judgment on others’ lives, mistakes, rumors, choices, etc, etc, without your thoughts immediately turning to your own? I am incapable. My thoughts automatically go straight to “Oh…I once did that too” or “Gosh…I’ve done something similar myself”….I do not get to pass Go and collect 200 justifications. It seems the moment I try on the judge’s robe, my entire life is immediately suspect and under the microscope as well….. Immediately! Am I just overly self-aware compared to the typical person? I’m wondering why so many seem to feel righteous in their judgements against others and I’ve noticed that it’s often the very people whose life choices could truly come into serious question, perhaps in direct defiance of the Ten Commandments, for example…? I’m not religious in any way and yet it does seem to me that the Ten Commandments are, for the most part, pretty basic rules of morality. It shouldn’t require a membership or devotion to an organized religion to comprehend them and agree that they are just pretty basic ideas of common decency in general, regardless of any doctrine of faith. Religious rules are typically up for argument and interpretation….only beyond the basics though in my opinion. It seems to me though that the majority of people I know who judge the most and often the most unfairly are the very people not living by the basic creed of respect for others and/or humanity, but living their lives in a hedonistic, “whatever is best for me”, however I have to get it type manner. And these people so often feel justified in sitting around passing judgement on others? And usually judging the loudest, as though they hope the world will hear and somehow deflect attention on their personal lives and choices? Or do these people truly have themselves convinced that their behaviors are all excused and/or justified, while every one else’s should be placed under the microscope and broadcasted for the public masses? I have to argue that this kind of thinking floats around in the box of similarity to sociopathic thinking. Although I’m not saying all selfish hedonistic types (i.e. ‘MY pleasure, MY best interest at ANY cost is perfectly acceptable’) are sociopaths, but I do see a similar train of thought here.
I once read a book called The Sociopath Next Door which claimed that one in ten (I believe it was? Or some similar statistic…)people are sociopaths. I thought that statistic was a reach, but in reflection on the depth of denial running amouk and society’s willingness to throw others under the bus so to speak in order to preserve themselves or defend some irrational fear that a defense tactic is needed although there is no attack in progress, or perhaps merely for the fun of it (?), puts me in a place of thought where I can clearly see the one in ten possibility. Not all sociopaths are on the extreme end of the spectrum, like serial killers for example, but I can see a direct connection to the low-to-no-conscience behaviours of society and the personality traits of a sociopath.
When people spread ugly false rumors about another person, are they doing this because they’re trying to protect someone from harm? Are they doing it because they really believe the information and feel obligated to society’s ‘right to kow” and a satisfaction in spreading the news? Are they doing it because they get higher self satisfaction in the (possibility of) mistakes and/or misery of others which they figure as far worse than their own imperfections? And what of the people who just flat-out lie about others? Do they actually somehow convince themselves of these lies as truth or do they spread it around, in full realization that they are lying? To me, the first indicates the possibility of a serious mental issue and the second resembles the thought processes of a sociopath…
And how did I become a magnet for these types? Is it true that birds of a feather flock together and I just can’t (or won’t?) see these traits in myself? Or is it that these types have excellent radar for attracting easy targets? Or a combination of both possibly?
Are these people so sick that they are to be pitied? There are so very many crimes against humanity far, FAR worse than these, yes I know, which go on every day all over the world. And I feel nauseated and sick to think of them…but these small little crimes against the spirit are so common and so accepted (or so it seems to me) in my little world that I wonder if it is like this in most people’s lives? Is this the current “norm”? Or am I just the lucky one who attracts more than most?
Knock
30 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE, signs Tags: boundaries, Dave, DAVE K., fears, fucked up, insanity, intuition, knocking, lies, manipulation, sociopaths
Was woken at 3:15 this morning to a firm knocking, as though someone knocked exactly three times on my window or door loud enough to wake me. The sound was so clear and crisp that I got out of bed and went to the door. No one was there. So I checked at the windows in my room and my daughters room to see if someone was out there. No one was there.
This happened a month or so ago…exactly the same…and I felt it was a warning that he was coming soon. Sure enough, 2 or 3 days later, he showed up standing over my bed at around 2 AM, wanting to “talk”, telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me. Making up stories about my life to get me to defend myself and declare my undying love for him. It worked in part, but I told him I was dating someone and would not ever have sex with him again. He wanted to sleep on my sofa. He was dropped off by a friend, so I allowed him my sofa. He tried again to have sex with me and I refused. Then he asked if I would just stay on the sofa with him. I knew I shouldn’t, but I felt strong and confident and so I did. We talked awhile and finally slept until I had to get up to get my kids ready for school. He stayed here all day. ..trying to get me to have sex with him. I wouldn’t. Then he started with the stories again…
Why were you at my sentencing? Just to gloat? No Dave! That’s ridiculous! I went to support you. I prayed nothing bad would happen to you and I wanted you to know although I changed my phone number that I supported you and cared. Well, someone heard you say when I was in front of the judge, “Every time I hear his name, I feel sick.” What??? Are you kidding me? That’s absurd and hateful and if your stupid little friend said I said that, then he’s a lying troublemaker! I prayed while you were up there. I prayed that the best outcome for your life would happen. I prayed with all my power. I wished nothing bad for you and I certainly said nothing at all, much less something that horrible. Hmmm…well, someone said they heard you say that. I’m sorry your friend told you that. I said no such thing.
Then I hugged him and told him that I loved him completely and wished nothing at all bad for him. He held on to me as though his life depended on it and started kissing me. This is about 1 in the afternoon, after his drunken night, so I’m assuming he’s relatively sober at this point. I just reassured him how much I loved him and told him I didn’t want to be used for sex anymore that it made me feel dirty and worthless. He softly touched my face, brushed my hair back and told me, I’m not using you. I never use you. I love you.
Of course he was lying. He’s very sick and I believe addicted to me in a horribly damaging way. Perhaps as I am to him? I am fighting this sickness though. I do not want it in my life. I don’t want to love him. I don’t want to care about him. I don’t want to fall for his tricks and manipulations. I want him to go away from me forever. I’ve changed my friends. Moved three times. Changed the places I go. Stopped havng sex with him. Started having sex with him. Lock my doors every night. Drive different ways to get places. Other than moving to another state, I do not know what else to do to get away from him permanently.
After the warning knocks last night, I am afraid again. I have no defenses left. I do not understand the knocking and I’m hoping it’s not what I thought it was (and was!) the last time because I’m just in the tender beginnings of healing. I am not strong enough to take him on again right now. I wish I had answers!
Yesterday I threw the I Ching to try to get insight on what’s happening and received 31. Influence/Attraction. That was scary. Then the knocking this morning….
I honestly am starting to think he might actually be the devil. I still love him, even if he is the devil, but I do not want the devil in my life or in my house anymore. Must triple check the locks each night before bed…as though that will keep him out…
emotional abuse
16 Mar 2009 2 Comments
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, children, daughters, Dave, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, Anger!, Dave, DAVE K., fucked up, lies, manipulation, psychopaths, sociopaths, violence
My youngest daughter woke my spirit up a little yesterday with the sweetest, most heart warming conversation. She told me how she doesn’t want to grow up because if she gets older, then I will get older and then someday she’ll be alone because I’ll be in heaven. So we talked for awhile about the pros and cons of growing up and when the people we love are in heaven. She told me that she thinks she picked me to be her mom before she was ever born and that she chose me because she wanted the most perfect mom in the whole wide world. And that she wanted to grow up just like me because I have the most beautiful, purest heart of gold.
Considering recent events and the past three years of mental hell I’ve been through, as well as my recent overwhelming feelings of giving up on it all, I was choked to tears. I held them back for awhile, but eventually tears came running out of my eyes. I told her I was crying because what she said made my heart so happy that tears came out! Which of course is partially true. The rest was guilt and shame at what I’ve allowed him to create in our life. What I’ve allowed to go on for so long that it has become utterly inexcusable and totally unacceptable as a role model of any worth whatsoever to my beautiful children. And I realized at this point, if my children grow up to be psychological doormats or have extended relationships with emotional abusers, then I have no one but myself to blame for demonstrating that for three years of their lives. While I (with his help) simultaneously buried myself further and further in despair and confusion, knocking away the breath of any sense of self respect or feeling wothwhile. I allowed him to repeatedly knock the wind out of my sails or even steal the wind altogether….in spite of the fact that my daughters are riding in this boat with me!
I feel so frustrated at not being able to define why this is crazy and how it’s changed me so completely. Psychological, mental, and emotional abuse is so difficult to prove because it makes the victim feel like she is crazy and deserves it. I have gone crazy. I have responded completely inappropriately to random situations; looking very much like the psycho crazy girl, while he looks like Mr. Calm-Cool-Collected because no one sees what’s going on behind the scenes.
Not one to pass the blame, I always have to be sure I accept responsibility. No he has not held a gun to my head or punched me out or even made any verbal threats. In fact, it is I who have on a few occasions become physical, although strangely enough I have never before been a physically violent person. Is it wrong to say he has pushed me, molded me, manipulated me into something other than what I was before?
In the past three years, I have become quite shy and withdrawn in public… painfully insecure and mildly paranoid about being judged. More characteristics that are complete opposites of my personality before him. I could never say this is all his fault, since there was no physical force to accept these circumstances. No, just lies, manipulations, and guilt tactics. Not a single other thing was used to mold me into what I am today. And yet although there was no physical force, I have been changed into something different – someone different. And I just stand in awe of how this has happened. I think of all the excuses I made for his behavior when people were telling me how cruel he was and how wrong his behavior was. I think of actually believing in his deepest soul as a good person who could never be capable of intentionally doing these things…although he has been doing them for three years straight.
Why must I carry the burden of craziness? He accepts no responsibility at all for any of it, so why must I be worried about being certain I shoulder my part in it all? Why can’t I just hate him, blame him, and feel like I’m righteous and justified?
Grace
27 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, broken heart, fears, just messed up, Life Tags: broken, broken heart, emotion, empty, grace, lies, patience, promises
I almost think it is God’s grace that brings this to me. You…when I least expect it. You…when I least deserve it. You…when I’ve so little to offer. And the contradiction is that you don’t care about those things…but I do. I will create a continuum of the very things I desperately want to eliminate because of those things. I am only love but I cannot give that to you. I am only honesty and I can’t offer you that fully. I am only empty and I cannot give you what it is I do not have….no matter how much I wish to have it. I beg of you patience, but I can make you no promise of what that might bring. I only have theories and hope, concepts and dreams. Memories of what I once was, what I once held inside to offer another.
I am raw and empty. I no longer make promises, when there is nothing.
A Woman’s Tears
09 Feb 2009 1 Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE Tags: abusive relationships, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., depression, fucked up, heartbreak, lies, manipulation, relationships, self love, self-respect
The Hebrew Talmud says:
“Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears.
The woman came out of a man’s rib.
Not from his feet to be walked on.
Not from his head to be superior.
But from the side to be equal.
Under the arm to be protected,
and next to the heart to be loved.”
30.5
02 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, children, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE Tags: Broken hearts, cruel, Dave, drunk, I Ching, lies, LOVE, pride, ridiculous expectations
I shouldn’t have been so hateful in my messages. Yet, there was nothing truly hateful in them from the aspect he gave the situation. The messages responded appropriately to his hardened words and actions. If he feels nothing, then there’s no such thing as a hateful or hurtful response.
IC response: 30.5. -> 13: Tears and lamenting. I guess the messages did hurt him, in spite of the cold and nonchalant exterior he demonstrated prior. I am sorry… Or am I? No, I definitely am.
Interesting interp of the fan yao: 13.5:
13.5: ” Men bound in friendship first weep and lament,
But afterward they laugh.
After great struggles they succeed in meeting.
Two people are outwardly separated but in their hearts the are united. They are kept apart by their positions in life. Many difficulties and obstructions arise between them and cause them grief. But, remaining true to each other, they allow nothing to separate them, and although it costs them a severe struggle to overcome the obstacles, they will succeed. When they come together their sadness will change to joy.”
-Wilhelm
Reminds me of his last drunken visit on January 9. Him: Do you not understand how much I love you? Me: Please be quiet. You love only your friends, not me. Him: My friends don’t matter. Me: You are drunk… I can’t believe anything you say, remember? Please just tell me a story about a little boy who lost his kite.
Him: No, I’ve a better story. Once there was a girl and a boy who loved each other deeply. They were very happy together for a time, but then lots of people and things came in between them, but their love was so deep, nothing could stop it. (Insert drunken mumbling here.)
Me: What? What happened next? Him: (More drunken mumbling…blah, blah, blah, kitty?) Me: What happened? They got a KITTY??? (I pounce on him here in excitement.) Him: No, they didn’t get a kitty. Never mind. Me: NO…what happened then? They didn’t get a kitty? Him: No, they didn’t. I said they had a child together.
Me: Ahhhhh….they have a kid. Was it a little boy with dark hair, great big green eyes and a beautiful smile? Him: I think it was… Me: And they named him David? Him: No, they don’t name him David. I don’t like juniors. I’d never name my son Dave. Me: Awww, I think they should’ve named him David. I love the name David! That’s a shame…and they really should have gotten a kitty!
More promises and proclamations of love, etc., etc., etc throughout the night… Several days later: I feel nothing for you. We only have a strong sexual attraction. Nothing else. I don’t know why I say those things. Probably because I’m drunk. Okay….whatever… jack ass. Cruel.
Cornered like an animal
31 Jul 2008 Leave a Comment
in faith, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons Tags: faith, lies, Life
What happens when a defenseless animal is cornered? Other than flight, what mechanisms for protection does the animal have? What if flight is not a viable option? How would an animal respond? What would happen over time if this animal was placed in that type of position repeatedly?
Humans have the same defense mechanisms… Fight or flight. Although we have more available options within those options than other animals. Animals have only a set defense that nature has allowed them. An animal can’t drive off in a car or brandish a knife. They can use their teeth or claws or strength… their incredible speed or their high-jumping abilities.
If all of these options were removed, how would an animal respond to such a situation? And what conditioning would naturally occur with repeat occurrences of such trauma and helplessness?
One additional resource humans have is the ability to reason and manipulate. The ability to tell lies is a major defense mechanism. My friend has explained to me that she has a problem with lying because she was put in such situations repeatedly. Now, she lies for no apparent reason at all. She lies before she needs to “just in case”. I feel terribly about this and wish I could protect her, but it’s impossible because she lies so much. Her own defense mecanism keeps me at a distance. I can’t protect or defend her because she showers everything and everyone in lies, which keeps my defense mechanisms up. I tried to drop them and understand why she acts that way, but I found my own suspicious-ness kept me from fully feeling safe to defend and protect her.
I’ve been through repeated cornered animal situations with no viable means for flight or fight. One example is when the other person involved has a gun. You can’t run. You can’t fight. In that situation, I prayed. I prayed out loud even in a moment of extreme fear and desperation, with no defense available. My attacker told me to “shut-up”. It apparently bothered him that I was praying. Isn’t that strange?
After that event, I felt my faith dissipate. I questioned God and the law of karma. I realized that individual free-will overrules everything. All the faith, all the right choices, all the do-good in the world can’t protect you from a person with a gun. As a faithful person, that is a scary realization! As is the long-term damage/trauma of faith dwindling after such an experience. From there, what self defense do you have?
Just who does the truth set free? And when?
16 Jul 2008 Leave a Comment
in Dave, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: "they", DAVE K., ethics, lies, Life, truth, unconditional love
She couldn’t sleep. Even with him lying next to her and even listening to the comforting rhythmic sound of his gentle breathing. And that almost always worked…
Tonight had been fun, but a tad disturbing. She was sure that was why sleep eluded her, even next to him. She adored him. She loved the silly way he carried on conversations with her in his sleep. You would never know he was sleeping. The conversation moved along with normal banter:
Where’s your car? It’s in the shop. Are you still smoking? Yes, I’m almost finished though…why? Want a drink of water? No. We have to catch that fish! What fish? What are you talking about…Are you sleeping? Ahh, yes I think I am….:-)
After he would give in to sleep and lie snuggled around her, he always continued his conversations on his own: “I don’t know, she’s just gonna do whatever she’s gonna do. No ranch dressing for me. We’ll head out in the morning, okay? (laughter) Let’s see the blue one… Gotta play ball tomorrow. Get me out of here!” He always did this. Usually if she was still awake, she would respond to the first few statements/questions. Once he started saying completely randoms that made no sense, she knew and would tell him, “You’re sleeping, baby. Just go back to sleep.” He would start back up talking in a few minutes, but she’d just smile and listen to him until she fell back asleep.
This time she could not sleep though. She had tried talking to him about a delicate subject. One of those issues she’d stopped talking about some time back when she had given in and accepted the madness of it all. He was surprisingly open to the discussion and prompted her with “What is it?” when she struggled to get her vocal chords to push the words out of her mouth. AS soon as she said it though, he turned defensive and the conversation took a dive and the effortless energy between them became strained. Not only that, but it brough up old stuff that he had accused her of a year ago. Which still upset her when she let her thoughts go there.
She should have known better. She did know better, but this was something that had taken a great toll on her over the past few years before and after her radical acceptance of their situation. For a brief moment, she had thought she was safe to mention it.
Of course, as with most things that brought them to these uncomfortable moments, it was the destructive they who kept this type of ridiculous thing going. “Others she had slept with?” Are you kidding? For Pete’s sake, that was truly laughable! Part of her massive frustration before the surrender, was that she had been practically incapable of having sex with anyone else. Incapable – as in not able. She knew he would never comprehend such a possibility. Being the openly sexual being he was, he was not capable of grasping even the possibility, much less its frustrating reality in her life.
No, other than a few unfortunate attempts to cross that barrier, she had been only his. She had never understood who it could be that would even say such things… Why they would say it? Or how the topic would ever even arise? In earlier years, she had dealt with false accusations of men claiming they had been with her in that way, when most of the evening in question had ended badly with her being called a “tease”. Although it had upset her back then when the stories they chose to tell of those particular evening had a completely different outcome, it really hadn’t bothered her much for years. Until now. No, not until now, until him. Also, she could never shake the absolute amazement that there were still childish little boys making the blatantly untrue claims. At this age? REALLY?? You’ve gotta be kidding! Weren’t we all a little too old for that silly game? Weren’t men past the point of their reputations as Romeo’s being built on making false claims against some girl they couldn’t have’s reputation? Seriously, she struggled to believe that there were these anonymous men saying such things out there. Even with her understanding of the hateful deceitfulness of the destructive they, it just seemed far fetched at this age. Why would anyone bother to say this? This created the question in her mind that it was entirely possible and plausible that no one actually was. She felt certain it better suited his purpose to claim these things were being said, far more than it made sense that anyone would actually say that particular untruth.
Extreme discomfort came in at these points and they were the same level of uneasy as they were a year ago. When he told her this, given that she knew, in fact, of her actual sexual history, then there were only a few possibilities to explain this. 1. The destructive they really were so immature and childish still as to feel their reputations amped by making false claims. 2. The destructive they were so insecure about their previous untruths, that they felt the need to still keep providing further “proof” of their wild (mostly false) accusations from two years ago. 3. He (alone) needed to make up such accusations in order to maintain his belief in the claims of the destructive they from years ago….or maybe he just needed to tell himself these things in order to ease his own conscience at his own sexual activities, when deep down he most likely knew she was not and had never been “that” way – “his” way.
She brought this up not to pass judgment on him for his choices (as she had regrettably done in their past), but merely to voice concerns she had hoped they could address and find an easy solution. His response was instant defensive stance, then turn on a great offense as the perfect defense. However, any of the rational possibilities were deeply disturbing. Still telling lies about her after all this time? Did she really have to carry the burden of being so devoted to him and still be accused of this type of thing? Honestly?? BOTH simultaneously? How freaking unfair! Or did he just still feel the desperate need to deceive himself so much and maintain the ridiculous belief that she was sexually loose (as loose as he)? Again, how freaking unfair!
With this, she understood no matter what the truth ever might be about her life, her choices, her character, her devotion to him, no one would ever know or believe. Therefore anyone could (and would?) just make her story up as they went along, feeling no obligation to involve the truth or her actual reality. No life isn’t supposed to be fair, that she had already learned quite well. But to have to realize that the choices she made for herself and the morals she adhered to would never be associated with her because of this - whatever this was. She had no interest in seeking recognition. That was never the point; these were merely her own personal choices and/or cross to bear. However, it would be nice to at least not have been accused of doing the very things that she purposefully chose not to do. I meanm, if a person adheres completely to a strict choice of not eating meat, then for heaven’s sake, they shouldn’t have to carry around the accusation of “meat eater“. Say anything, say they dress badly, or have ugly hair, or bad teeth or breath, whatever, but don’t cancel out the very thing that they’ve chosen as a founding standard for their life. What’s next? Should they run around discussing how trampy the nuns at the school are and tell stories about how they really get around? Does truth really not stand for anything at all? Does reality truly just not matter anymore? She had to wonder is this the horrible sense of injustice celebrities felt when looking at the stories in the tabloids? Did those stories and claims about those poor people in the big spotlight lack even an ounce of truth as well? If so, she felt for how difficult their lives must be.
People are unbelievably ridiculous. This demolishes the whole theory that every rumor or lie has at least a tiny source of truth in it. No, apparently they can (and will) just make things up entirely. And sadly, it’s every bit possible that as much as she loves and adores him, he might very well be the most destructive they of all, at least when it came her life. Too unsettling and grounds to make her head spipn and her heart race with the injustice they apparently were going to force her to endure for as long as she lived among them. Does anyone at all care anymore about the truth? …and geesh, when in the hell would it finally set her free?
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