Kindness Shmindness
21 Jun 2010 5 Comments
in broken heart, Death, dreams, Life Lessons, LOVE, random kindness Tags: abuse, broken dreams, broken heart, DAVE K., destruction, disappontment, dreams, dysfunction, faith, fucked up, LOVE, manipulation, unconditional love, WTF
Change my blog title…? Really thinking about this lately. Funny, when I log in here and see my title, I’m just filled with sadness and a teensy bit of disgust.
Contemplating the whole “Secret” business recently and the concept of the power of attraction. I so love the concept! When I really dig into the idea and the science behind it, it seems so very valid, almost provable on many levels and yet… Random kindness…kindness as a response to cruelty…giving as the answer to taking…
When I created this blog, I was adamantly optimistic about this theory—thus, the title. I had myself convinced that if I kept my thoughts, actions, and character upright, then good things would have to come. I didn’t really have any specific “want” that I didn’t get or anything…I just wanted so much to believe that if I lived by my beliefs then good things had to happen. I steadfastly chose to send loving vibrations and energy out to everyone and in particular, the nasty people I’ve known and dealt with in recent years and in years gone by. Thinking, believing no one would want to do harm to a person who just keeps on loving and being kind, regardless of what gets thrown at them. Great in theory…terrific concept…
But, not so much true. Seems more people then just see you as a weak sucker, vulnerable and ripe to all sorts of abuse and manipulations. Not to mention, deserving of it all, since it’s so “stupid” in this day and age with these standards of society to believe such a thing and live by it. I love the saying “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness”. I wish I could have incorporated a little more of that into my social experiment of loving kindness, but I’m not all that strong really…except perhaps in my desire to believe. There I have unlimited quantities of strength it seems. And it really gets me in trouble and leaves me hurt more often than not!
So, if one lives by loving kindness and responds to hatred and such with just more kindness, at what point do you stop the one-way flow? If the power of attraction theory is truly believed and practiced, then the moment I get angry or cease the kindness, I bring negative energy into my world and develop the very thing I’d like to avoid…so you just keep being kind and love even harder…
And people recognize this quickly, especially the mean people looking to take advantage and hoping for a sucker just like me and suddenly there is a catch-22 quandary going on and a snowball effect of bulls**t coming at you like a freight train of stupidity!
So, I really dislike that I no longer believe in this…I really wanted this to be true with all my heart. I was prepared to take all the crap and just keep loving…love, love, love…. But after 5 years now of being dumped into a mass of crap, I just can’t continue believing. And I’m actually embarrassed to confess how ridiculously stupid I’ve been to let this belief/hope persist in spite of the hurt it’s caused, because at the end of the day, I’m the one responsible for allowing it all to happen and continue. So hard not to feel like a victim when even your best and most beautiful intentions are devoured and devastated by the seemingly innate UNkindness of the majority….but if I let myself feel like a victim, then I’m bringing more victimization energy back to myself. Arghh…wtf?! All in all, this little experiment seems to have just left me wide open and vulnerable to abuse and attack, while simultaneously rendering me scared to death to get angry, much less actually fight back!!
I’m deeply sad to admit the death of this inside me. I didn’t expect all my dreams to come true and nothing but rainbows and butterflies every day by this theory…but I DID truly believe that it would bring more love and happiness not only into my world, but possibly even into the world of many. And now, I mostly just feel hurt, angry, and embarrassed that I’ve been such a stupid idiot for so very long…and devastated that my best efforts and hugest faith amounted to so little actual good for anyone…to the point that I now have this little wish in my heart to take it all back and just punch those mean people in the mouth for every hurt they caused!
How’s THAT for loving kindness?! ..hehe…=D
Dream intruders
14 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dave, dreams Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., disappontment, dreams, dysfunction, fears, fucked up, heartbreak, Life, LOVE, ponderings, relationships, unconditional love
It’s so unfortunate that we can’t control our dreams…
Fitful sleep tonight…tossing and turning… Dave K. everywhere!! I don’t want him invading my dreams like he did my home for so many years. It’s such a relief when he’s not running through my mind much. I feel such a sense of relief, and then he shows up rampant in my dreams anyway…ugh! He has no business there except to torture me. It’s frustrating to think that I’m fading him out at last and feeling successful with eliminating him from my mind and life, but my subconscious is still holding on so tightly, it seems. Otherwise how could he get in my dreams?
And this was not a good one by any means of interpretation. Seemed like a cruel reminder and additional experience with his denial of me as a human being and a loved one, past or present! His house was all rearranged and that was excruciatingly uncomfortable for me for some odd reason…I looked for “the” sofa and found it covered in an obscure corner somewhere. Relatives showed up (his not mine) and questioned my motives, my actions, and my behaviors over the past 5 years. They didn’t have even an eighth of the truth and were very critical, but still kind. He still had all my letters from days past, brought them out to show everyone, and cruelly laughed at them. That was painful. I hated him for that. So mean. …And a gambling problem…a BIG one. I told him that a psychic lady had told me of that problem years ago, but I hadn’t believed her. All in all, it was like I was at an informal trial at his house with Dave and his relatives as judge and jury and I wasn’t able to convey any truths or experience because I had already been deemed “bad” and of course “crazy” too, so nothing I said mattered. Very hurtful and frustrating…
As though he had never loved me…..had never hurt even a moment over all the things he’s cried and beaten me up about for so many years because of how much I “devastated” him. Just one big charade apparently for the sole purpose of getting in my pants and keeping me covered in guilt so he had emotional control over me. As if there had never been any reality or worthwhile substance of emotions…
It was such a painful dream and leaves me wondering are these just my deep fears trying to make desperate sense of all the nonsense that has happened or is that the ugly reality? After everything, it’s nauseating to even ponder that as a possibility.
Washed in a forgotten moment
05 Jun 2010 6 Comments
in Beginnings, Dave, faith, Falling in love, Life, LOVE Tags: blessings, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, dreams, happiness, hope, joy, memories, unconditional love
There was one night…it was pounding rain in fat bullets from the sky. We ran quickly in the house, but still we were drenched! Tiny Jake was soaking wet and shivering. Grabbing a towel, I wrapped him up snuggly and tight like an infant swaddled. And you…. You…. I could see directly into your heart through the look in your eyes. It was big and warm, vibrantly green and had rays of hope shooting from it like a starburst. So bright and full, it shimmered all the way through your eyes, dusting me with a mist of sparkling light as you watched me drying Jake.
I could have sworn at that moment that love was not merely an intangible emotion or some silly concept for romance novels and love songs, but solid and as truly touchable as a soft, furry, smiling puppy… shivering and wet from the driving rain.
Maybe that is why I still ache for you every time it rains…
“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
Confession…
06 May 2010 2 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, Cheating, dating, Dave, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, random kindness, signs Tags: broken dreams, Broken hearts, compromised, DAVE K., destruction, dreams, dysfunction, faith, falling in love, mistakes, promises, truth, unconditional love, unfaithful, WTF
I was unfaithful. I cheated myself, my children, my heart, my faith, my hope, my spirit, my character. Not only that, but I cheated Dave and worse yet, I cheated all of these things from him as well. I cheated every one of everything that was right and good in our lives.
As with anything and everything, there is certainly more to the story and sometimes in fleeting moments of denial, I can comfort myself with those factual, but sad and pathetic extenuating circumstances, but for the most part, I cannot.
Is it wrong to have thoughts at times which say, “Surely there was something he did wrong before the infidelity…” I would actually attempt to distort something (anything) he once did or maybe once said even just one single time that was slightly unkind or perhaps alluded to some kind of future abuse or psychosis….
Nothing.
And many have said to me there must have been something? There had to have been. You couldn’t have been truly happy or it wouldn’t (couldn’t!) have happened.
Nope. Clear as a miserable bell, I know I was very happy. I knew it then (can’t blame this on hindsight either). I know it now.
Too happy? So happy it didn’t seem possible to realistically maintain? Yeah…frighteningly happy? Like when you go to a horror movie and the happy music is playing and there’s sunshine, laughter, security abounding and you wait on the edge of your seat, heart beating, pulse racing, and your logic silently screaming, “It’s coming!” You know any second something horribly tragic is going to explode on the screen. It must. You don’t want it to come but something in you knows you really do want it because that’s what you’ve ultimately come to the cinema to see, right? After all, you’ve specifically asked for this tragedy with the price of your ticket.
That kind of happiness. Scary happy. Waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-happy.
Only it never did. And it surely had to… Right?
So, it seems I forced it to drop. Was the anticipation too much? Did the happy part go on and on so long that my heart couldn’t take the wait anymore? Was logic screaming so loudly at me that I couldn’t relax in that kind of happy? Had life taught me too well already that this was only possible in fairy tales? My life certainly had never been anything near fairy tale quality. I was no long-lost beloved princess finally saved from all the evils of the world by my fair prince who had been looking for me all his life. There was no way this existed on any plane of reality possible for me…
There were no signs of impending doom. There was no cruel undertone in something he even once casually said in a quiet or controlling voice. There were no sarcastic words; no subtle insults to my character, my appearance, or my intelligence, phrased as a “joke” so as to make it acceptable to keep me in my place or put me down sub-consciously. …except in my logic. In my brain and my experiential wisdom there was always this little nudge. Nudge, nudge – another day full of kindness has passed… another day of sincerely spoken compliments, loving gestures, and sweet-nothings has passed… the music of my logic is getting scarier and scarier… Da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum…playing faster and faster. The bad guy is coming. The moment of tragedy is hanging in limbo directly over your head. It’s just hanging there waiting around till you feel so safe and comfortable that it’s definitely not coming…for full, tragic effect, you know…
I might even be able to convince myself that this is only the hind-sight story of a romantic hopeful, the rose-colored version of falling in love where nostalgia and regret fade the facts and amplify the colors of happiness to such a vibrant shade that the bad stuff disappears into oblivion. Except, I was so overly aware of this unrealistic happiness that I spoke regularly of it to my dad, whom I knew would understand that this wasn’t logically possible. Whom I expected to point out the tiny ugly realities I HAD to be missing throughout this experience. And even he couldn’t. My wise and all-too logical father could only continually remind and reassure me that I deserved this happiness and offer advice to me to accept it or else by looking so hard for the ugly, I would eventually make something ugly happen.
What? Make it happen?? That’s not possible! I’m gloriously happy. No person desperate for happiness, like me, would ever create the very unhappiness they fear and dread from a gift so pure and beautiful it must be directly from God. That’s just some psychological mumbo-jumbo! No one in their right mind, finally experiencing happy without a single sign of impending doom on the horizon would sabotage such beauty, such intoxicating joy of life, such a sense of security and love. NO….don‘t be silly!
Hindsight does, though, strongly indicate to me that there was another sneaky element going on through this. One I could never have anticipated or braced myself to handle. The sneakiest of subtle sabotage tactics, so very tricky that it just hung out in the corner recesses of my mind, innocently playing all alone and not mingling ever with the other thoughts and fears which were obvious enough for me to ask advice from those wiser than I. Quietly gaining power and strength…
I am not worthy…
This sneaky element of sub-conscious sabotage actually came out in the light only once.
Right around maybe the sixth month marker, we had gone for a few drinks away from the crowd of friends, romantically alone, and were laughing and enjoying ourselves. Having a nice traditional date in out-of-the-way places where we could adore each other uninterrupted by the “Ahh you two lovebirds make the rest of us sick!” And I was loving every minute of this until it dawned upon me. Maybe this was even the first moment I ever had seen my happiness so very clearly and felt it to the core of my being, minus the what-if’s and can’t-be’s. And I said to him, “What is this? I’ve never known anything like this. It can’t be real, can it? And if it is, there’s no way I deserve this much. Here is why….” And I commenced to tell him why I didn’t deserve this…deserve him, deserve genuine love…
And then he said one of the most beautiful things I’ve heard anyone say in my life that wasn’t written in a song, a book, or a movie…
…He said, “Every single horrible thing that has happened to you or me, every single bad choice or mistake we might have made in our pasts, every single thing right wrong, good or bad, has brought us right here right now. And we have to just be grateful for it ALL and know that this was why it ALL happened exactly as it did. If not for that exactly, whatever it may have been, we would not be here with each other right now in this exact moment, having this.”
I choked up. A huge lump in my throat developed, my eyes stung and threatened to cry as every horror-movie moment of my past flashed across my mind and I saw every path of it leading me, sometimes even forcing me to this moment with him. He was so wise and so right. He could see more broadly than I. My devotion, my respect, my gratitude, my understanding quadrupled in that moment, with those stunning words of amazingly insightful wisdom. And suddenly everything made sense. Everything. Every pain and every struggle from my earliest memory I could instantly and directly connect to the events (forced or otherwise) which led me to RIGHT HERE, directly to HIM. A million individually ugly tiny puzzle pieces of time dropped at once, snapped into place, and created a gorgeous sunrise shimmering with love and happiness. And I could think of each one and actually FEEL each and every one of them as reasons to be grateful for it all.
I loved his simplicity…adored it even, amidst my confounding and irritating contradictions. And it was in this moment that I realized his “simplicity” wasn’t so simple after all. I saw him in an entirely new light of love and blessings. And it was also then that I began to fully realize that this might indeed be real…that perhaps the other shoe was not ever going to kick me in the face after all. A most beautiful moment… Or the beginning of the end?
Less than a year later and ironically while singing his praises, my blessings, and this very theory of deserved, “everything happens for a reason” happiness, I cheated.
Yes………. I cheated.
dreams or premonitions?
28 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE, signs, Uncategorized Tags: boundaries, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., dreams
After being away from my blog for some time, today I read back a little and saw my post where I dreamt about what’s currently happening with Dave. I had visions and things, but rather told myself they were natural because it would be my fears coming true….yet, now in hindsight, I think, “Wow…I really did see it coming before I knew!!”
So, that makes the last dream I had even more unsettling and of course I wonder, just fears or premonition? I was with him in the dream, of course – as always (arghhh!), but something wasn’t right. It was a sexual dream, which I (sadly) rarely have (~:P~), so it definitely made a lasting impression. I could not blog immediately, so many of the little details have escaped my memory, but I do know that I was with him and I actually think I was upset because he was cheating on the new one with me! Which is not at all like him and I can’t imagine would really happen, but is it me hoping (gosh, I hope not!!) or wishing for that? Is it me refusing to accept that any female could be as important to him as I once was and so I dream about the most intimate betrayal I know he’d never do to the woman he truly loved?
What made the dream very sad though was that in the dream, although we were being physically intimate, I sensed that he was not interested in me like that or any other way. I was very sad, as this is still the one thng I’ve not yet ever experienced with him, but he has never been involved with another woman in any serious, committed capacity since we (technically) split almost four years ago. It felt wonderful to be with him in the dream, but I was sad, sad, SAD….
There were so many tiny nuances/messages within the dream and I so wish I could remember those better, so I might better decipher the message or warning it may have been trying to send me. It was a rather emotionally complicated dream, that much I remember. And I tell myself I only had the dream because I miss him damnit and I put him there subconsciously for no other reason than I miss him so very much. I actually said that out loud twice today, “I miss you”. So, that’s probably the only reason for the dream.
I don’t want to be the kind of person who would accept or allow infidelity, even if it is with the man who feels like he will always and has always belonged with me. He is not with me and I don’t want to wish that kind of pain on any other person.
Yet, good Lord in heaven, I miss him…even if I can’t admit that to anyone but myself and my blog….I do miss him and nothing about being apart from him today feels one iota more right than being apart from him the day we split did… It feels as if fate has been negatively altered and like nothing will ever fall in its proper place again. Now it’s chaotic “order” because the ground level is messed up..nothing is as it was intended…
I’m trying to tell myself that regardless of it feeling that way, really, everything is probably as it’s intended, because this is what it is, but nothing in my soul or spirit can accept that, even now, after everything…
I’m grateful I got to spend some time with him in my dream, even if it wasn’t as I would want it to be….but I still very much wish he would leave my mind and spirit forever and stop haunting me like he does…like he always has from the moment we met. Or I wish he would just come back to us. We all miss him so terribly…and love and value him so very much….
Different kind of nightmare…
14 Sep 2009 Leave a Comment
in Anger!, broken heart, daughters, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, signs Tags: broken, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, Friendship, pain, sadness
Truck was in the drive yesterday and curtains opened in middle of the afternoon. It’s been a few months since I saw that… I have to admit, I was a little hopeful that it meant something good. And I felt badly that I felt that way as well… Do I not love him enough to wish him happiness? That is too selfish to be love and it’s not who I want to be on the planet, but it might be the plain and ugly truth… Eww…
Heavy on my mind, I just woke from a dream that they were moving in together. It was a dream where there was so much going on at once within the deream that I can’t recall any more details than the main premise, which was the moving in thing. She had lots of money and I think they were quite happy… It burned inside me so much that it was shameful to acknowledge. And I’m left wondering…dream/nightmare or premonition? Certain that the basis for my dream was the underlying chronic fear that this is going to happen soon. Wishing I could recall more of the sbtle details within it though…but I can’t. Perhaps the details are too painful for me to allow myself the details?
I’m willing to admit how hurtful the concept is, even though it goes directly against my concept of love and is embarrassing to me to acknowledge. Yet, with this situation and thought, I do feel the tiniest release of the bonds chaining me to him . This is part of what I’ve prayed for for so very long. So I should be grateful for the answered prayer, really… and in some awkward way, I actually am. I just hate the sick feeling that’s coming with it!
AW says this is what she told me a year ago that had to happen before he came back for good – for real and of course, I long to believe that’s the case. Simultaneously, I almost hope it’s just over and done (???!?!!) so I might have the chance to move on finally. And what do I love there anymore? I’ve not been with him since early June. This is the second period of time in the past four years that it’s gone over a few weeks wwith him staying away. I get that mild sense of hopeful comfort that this time it’s really over. The same uncomfortable “comfort” I got once before, just before he returned as usual, shocking my world and my delicate balance.
Embarrassing to admit that I can’t truly fathom it’s genuinely over, while I hope that it is AND desperately pray that it’s not…all at the same maddening time!!!
Taking baby steps (for me – leaps) to start over. Spend a lot of time with Greg. Met Eric Friday and liked him okay. Saw JC and wonder if that’s anything at all, although I did not speak to him. All in the name of deperately trying to start over and open myself to the possibility that it realy is finished and done at last.
Angie devastated our lives yet AGAIN. In such an ugly way that we are reeling from it still! The girls are struggling to understand such utter deceit and ugliness from someone they cared for so much. I’m trying to help them through that, while feeling the same way myself AND kicking myself that I let myself believe in something better than that from thet likes of her. She has wrecked our home, thrown filthy lies and senseless deceit all over our hearts, and then threatened and accused me for good measure. Amazing! What a mess. I’m tired of being the hopeful optimist and can’t stand the thought of losing that quality entirely at the same time…leaving me open to the fear that it’s still not the last time I let someone do this to me – to us.
I also feel sorry for her that it must be terribly difficult to live life within a web of lies constantly fearing they’ll be exposed and juggling people and places to keep them all in the air. And in some ways, I wonder if she’s better off that she can do that and avoid the painful truths that hurt? As opposed to the blatant harsh realities of myself that I’m forced to accept?
Cinnamon
05 May 2009 1 Comment
in broken heart, Dave, faith, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE, random kindness Tags: broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., dreams, hope, hopeless, LOVE, memories, unconditional love, wishes
Once I drenched myself, my home, even my car in cinnamon because I thought it would be magical. In spite of the fact that cinnamon isn’t my favorite scent, I think I read somewhere that it was best. Everything had the lingering delicious softest scent of cinnamon and almost by chance, there were hints here and there of vanilla. Cinnamon is magical isn’t it?
Yes, it was magic, magical, enchanting, breathtaking, captivating, and beautifully profound. It was all of that. You were the catalyst of magic! Or was I? …It was I who carefully selected the scent and all the components, I who thought it through so thoroughly and you who just showed up to participate. Of course you did, I am cinnamon magic. Magically cinnamon…
And nothing changed… it was just another another. No more than that.
Cinnamon hopes sent back to the beginning when there was everything and nothing but the smell of cinnamon.
Every Little Kiss
15 Apr 2009 1 Comment
in children, Dave, faith, fears, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, respect Tags: boundaries, choices, daughters, DAVE K., dreams, LOVE, self-respect, unconditional love
3 o’clock in the morning and I wake up with Bruce Hornsby’s Every Little Kiss running through my mind! Can’t recall the last time I heard that song!! How on earth did it end up in my head in the wee hours of the morning, waking me up?
Accupuncture yesterday was incredible!! I had the most beautiful vision of my daughters and I walking along a path with big gorgeous green trees on either side. The sun shining between them down on us while we held hands. Shiny ribbons of soft light linked us, light that moved and breathed flexibly. Confidence and happiness surrounding us like a bubble of protection. Mark was there too somehow, only not in the vision specifically… maybe just off to the side a little? It was refreshing and invigorating…comforting. The ribbons that linked us, the light that surrounded us was love. It was the strength of our love keeping us safe. And with all the questions and doubts, wonderings, opportunities and choices, somehow I knew we were taking the right path. This was the right one for us. And I think it was leading us to Mark in Vegas maybe…? Not sure, but that’s what it seemed. No trees like that in Vegas though and I sure do love the trees – great big woody green yummy trees! Wondrous sources of protection in their own right, I suppose…
Having vivid dreams since returning fron Vegas vacation. Waking early in the morning again too:-( Somehow waking at 3 or 4 am in Vegas wasn’t as frustrating. Maybe since I knew it was actually 6 or 7 am here? It was peaceful that time of the morning there. I could sit outside on the patio, watch the stars in quiet reverance and drink in the moonlight, letting it wash over me like a fountain of natural life giving energy. I didn’t expect the moon to be so bright so close to the city!
Dreamt of BZ the night before last. It was a nice dream. I missed her and I told her so, of course. We were catching up on everything. I don’t really miss her like that, but in my dream I did? Wonder why? Or maybe I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings in my dream because I felt like I’m supposed to miss her?
On my way to accupuncture yesterday, I saw DK. He was pacing in front of his house on his cell phone, wearing a red hoodie with the hood up. I stopped to ask if he was okay (gosh!?) and he hung up his phone laughing snidely. As soon as he said he was okay, just waiting for his “buddy to pick him up for the gym”, I was backing out of his driveway, even as he was speaking. I did not want him to mistake my stop for anything but a caring for his well being and safety, nor give him the chance to think it was anything else whatsoever. I would stop like that for anyone I know in my neighborhood who looked as though they might need some help. Knowing he was fine, made me kick myself for stopping, even so briefly. What am I trying to do? I had such wonderfully happy energy yesterday. Was I trying to make sure it drained away into misery? I somehow always feel safe like that; safe to push the limits… as though he can’t affect me even if he does try. Yet, I truly know better. I cannot dance with the devil without the agony of having my spirit manipulated. Nor does he ever need my help really…at least not the kind of “help” I have to offer. So, why did I even bother stopping to see that snide, sly smirk on his face.
I know he got our letters telling him to stay away. All three of us sent them and I have to hope he might honor that. I made a subtle threat in mine to call the police if he shows up again. Not an outright threat, as I know my own limits, but a subtle innuendo that I’m hoping will make him think twice and at least worry a little that I might actually mean it…. Worry enough to stay away, I hope!
Running with scissors
04 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, broken heart, daughters, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: absurd, abuse, abusive relationships, blind faith, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., dreams, dysfunction, goodbye, hope, unconditional love
Leaving for vacation this morning. Anxiety fills me. I can’t stand to be here sometimes and I can’t stand to be away… Haha, I just can’t stand at all apparently! I am overwhelmed to think I can’t write when I want to, write when I need to. What happens if I have to write? How did I become this fearful hermit?
One would think that I’d embrace this opportunity to be away from the hell which has overtaken me here. Far, far away where none of it can touch me. Wouldn’t that be a nice reprieve for most? I embrace it and I dread it. It’s as though I’m smack inside some episode of the Twilight Zone or Tales from the Crypt…where I’m sitting in misery with hundreds of roads leading away, but in my mind all of them are too frightening to take and so I stay right where I am, cultivating the very thing that’s destroying me from the inside out. It’s bizarre and ridiculous.
And I wonder so often why… Why does my every thought include the memories that never were? Why can’t I have an unobstructed thought or flash in my mind? I think of vacation and he is there too. But no, he isn’t. so why would he be put there? I do not want him there. I do not intentionally include him there. I chase him away… And my next thought, he comes immediately back. I chase him away again. Can I spend my life chasing him off from my own deranged mind? That sucks so much energy from my life-force, from my existence, from my life.
I vividly remember my high school sweetheart telling me once, “Gosh, I can’t even have a mundane dream of anything without you being right there next to me. If I dream I’m changing a tire on my car, you’re standing right next to me. If I dream I’m petting a dog, you’re holding the dog I’m petting. If I dream I go to the surf shop, you’re at the surf shop with me, etc, etc, etc…”
I was so flattered by this and thought it was odd because he was rarely in my dreams at all, although he was my very best friend and we spent every moment together for years. I felt badly that I didn’t have the same experience, as though maybe that meant I didn’t love him the way he loved me? I couldn’t imagine even having that experience with anyone. Couldn’t fathom being so completely connected to any other human being that the person would be everywhere I was, even spiritually or in my dream world. It was beyond me, beyond my experience, beyond my comprehension. Yet, I was connected to him, as much as I’d ever felt connected to anyone or anything. At that time, I couldn’t imagine going more than a day without talking to him for the rest of my life. He was the flesh and blood best friend I’d never had. The friend who never left my side no matter how crazy things got or how messed up I was. He loved me and my heart had not yet opened, so my love was so limited and screwy(although it was very well intentioned) because I didn’t even understand.
And now, I have that. Now I understand what he meant. Only I do not like it. It does not make me smile. I do not want it. In fact, I beg for mercy from it. It makes me feel crazy. It obstructs my life and my future.
In spite of the knocking, he has not come. I clearly misinterpret the meaning of the knocking. The other time must have been coincidence. I am grateful he has not. The letters we all wrote telling him to stay away from us might have actually gotten through his selfish, twisted mind. Is that possible? Do I dare hope that is so? I fear the minute I say thanks for that merciful grace, I’ll open my eyes and he’ll be standing there. And then I’ll be caught off guard and not handle it appropriately. So, I can’t allow myself to believe that the letters worked. They’ve never worked before. But…we did try a different avenue this time, so maybe………? I cannot relax with that thought because I know what happens the minute I do. And it’s not healthy. It’s unsettling and destructive, as though I’m spinning in circles, arms wide out, laughing like a child, delighting in the freedom of spinning, but then the spinning won’t stop. For months… until I’m no longer giggling, but crying, begging God to make it stop, only He doesn’t make it stop. The spinning continues beyond any joy I ever felt initially and it becomes a nightmare I can’t wake from. Where even the slightest breeze will knock me completely off balance and send me spinning all over again before I’ve regained any strength or discernment.
I do not know how, but someday it won’t be like this. It just can’t. It won’t. I will not allow it. I will stop it somehow. I have to.
Vacation will be good for me. Past the anxiety will be strength refreshed and a sense of hope. Such distance, even temporary, will help disconnect that confounding connection. It will stretch those invisible cords beyond their comfort zone. Maybe it will even snap them?
I do not wish anything bad for him, but I must dream of a world without him in it. Even if I must manufacture those dreams and remove him constantly.
My doors are locked. My number is changed. We have mailed strong letters demanding he stay away. And I am going on vacation far, far away. In my dreams, I’m going to run with the magical scissors I will use to cut those cords forever. He’ll have no choice. These are my dreams and he isn’t permitted in them. He has no place there anymore. Go away. Good bye.
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