Washed in a forgotten moment
05 Jun 2010 6 Comments
in Beginnings, Dave, faith, Falling in love, Life, LOVE Tags: blessings, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, dreams, happiness, hope, joy, memories, unconditional love
There was one night…it was pounding rain in fat bullets from the sky. We ran quickly in the house, but still we were drenched! Tiny Jake was soaking wet and shivering. Grabbing a towel, I wrapped him up snuggly and tight like an infant swaddled. And you…. You…. I could see directly into your heart through the look in your eyes. It was big and warm, vibrantly green and had rays of hope shooting from it like a starburst. So bright and full, it shimmered all the way through your eyes, dusting me with a mist of sparkling light as you watched me drying Jake.
I could have sworn at that moment that love was not merely an intangible emotion or some silly concept for romance novels and love songs, but solid and as truly touchable as a soft, furry, smiling puppy… shivering and wet from the driving rain.
Maybe that is why I still ache for you every time it rains…
“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
Different kind of nightmare…
14 Sep 2009 Leave a Comment
in Anger!, broken heart, daughters, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, signs Tags: broken, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, Friendship, pain, sadness
Truck was in the drive yesterday and curtains opened in middle of the afternoon. It’s been a few months since I saw that… I have to admit, I was a little hopeful that it meant something good. And I felt badly that I felt that way as well… Do I not love him enough to wish him happiness? That is too selfish to be love and it’s not who I want to be on the planet, but it might be the plain and ugly truth… Eww…
Heavy on my mind, I just woke from a dream that they were moving in together. It was a dream where there was so much going on at once within the deream that I can’t recall any more details than the main premise, which was the moving in thing. She had lots of money and I think they were quite happy… It burned inside me so much that it was shameful to acknowledge. And I’m left wondering…dream/nightmare or premonition? Certain that the basis for my dream was the underlying chronic fear that this is going to happen soon. Wishing I could recall more of the sbtle details within it though…but I can’t. Perhaps the details are too painful for me to allow myself the details?
I’m willing to admit how hurtful the concept is, even though it goes directly against my concept of love and is embarrassing to me to acknowledge. Yet, with this situation and thought, I do feel the tiniest release of the bonds chaining me to him . This is part of what I’ve prayed for for so very long. So I should be grateful for the answered prayer, really… and in some awkward way, I actually am. I just hate the sick feeling that’s coming with it!
AW says this is what she told me a year ago that had to happen before he came back for good – for real and of course, I long to believe that’s the case. Simultaneously, I almost hope it’s just over and done (???!?!!) so I might have the chance to move on finally. And what do I love there anymore? I’ve not been with him since early June. This is the second period of time in the past four years that it’s gone over a few weeks wwith him staying away. I get that mild sense of hopeful comfort that this time it’s really over. The same uncomfortable “comfort” I got once before, just before he returned as usual, shocking my world and my delicate balance.
Embarrassing to admit that I can’t truly fathom it’s genuinely over, while I hope that it is AND desperately pray that it’s not…all at the same maddening time!!!
Taking baby steps (for me – leaps) to start over. Spend a lot of time with Greg. Met Eric Friday and liked him okay. Saw JC and wonder if that’s anything at all, although I did not speak to him. All in the name of deperately trying to start over and open myself to the possibility that it realy is finished and done at last.
Angie devastated our lives yet AGAIN. In such an ugly way that we are reeling from it still! The girls are struggling to understand such utter deceit and ugliness from someone they cared for so much. I’m trying to help them through that, while feeling the same way myself AND kicking myself that I let myself believe in something better than that from thet likes of her. She has wrecked our home, thrown filthy lies and senseless deceit all over our hearts, and then threatened and accused me for good measure. Amazing! What a mess. I’m tired of being the hopeful optimist and can’t stand the thought of losing that quality entirely at the same time…leaving me open to the fear that it’s still not the last time I let someone do this to me – to us.
I also feel sorry for her that it must be terribly difficult to live life within a web of lies constantly fearing they’ll be exposed and juggling people and places to keep them all in the air. And in some ways, I wonder if she’s better off that she can do that and avoid the painful truths that hurt? As opposed to the blatant harsh realities of myself that I’m forced to accept?
The Crayola dance
11 May 2009 3 Comments
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE Tags: dancing, Dave, DAVE K., desire, destiny, destruction, devotion, fucked up, hope, hopeless, innocence, LOVE, Loyalty, naivete, unconditional love
Dancing with the devil again…. As though I could ever lead that dance or win at that game, but here I go anyway. If I were a crayon, I’d have to be the brightest shade of hopelessly hopeful spring green! Although I would be a chameleon crayon that would change into a hopelessly romantic bubble gum pink when I’m dancing with the devil. Turning into despondent depressed blue when he wins again, as he always does because I was never intended as strong enough to dance with the devil. I am putty to his game…a hopeless, spineless formless blob of bleeding heart red up against his dangerous-razor- of-apathy-black.
He is a chameleon crayon too, only his changes come as he senses what color I want him to be at any given moment, steps into it subtly like a form-fitting suit of body armor that deceptively appears to be his true color…and there I go again. Whirling and swirling with his Crayola-color of the moment; his disguise to lure me into feeling safe as he slices me to shreds when his authentic color shows again, as it always eventually will.
I wonder if my God-given vocation is the devil’s free prostitute? It seems I’m intended only as a vehicle of physical desire. Somewhere along the way, all my other gifts have been rendered useless- without a single morsel of value in this world. All the beautiful gifts that people were shocked and bewildered to discover once they got past my exterior appearance…
My friend Lisa tells me this weekend, “Girl, you just WOW me! You have everything – the total package!! And I can’t understand how someone like you could ever be single!?” I just smile and look away because I know that none of that means anything … and hasn’t for so long, I forget it’s even there. The devil doesn’t care what my other qualities are. Only that which feeds his desire and renders his physical satisfaction, which is decidedly not my “other” qualities. Any and all of my exes would have sex with me in a heartbeat, as would most any random male who comes around. No, this is not arrogance or conceit on my part…believe me I do not have that. I’ve just learned from my years of dancing with the devil that my other qualities matter not at all to anyone any more. Except in those brief sad moments when my friend reminds me of them and I just feel sad that anyone can still recognize any of that, since it doesn’t matter anymore – useless qualities which only serve to make me think I might once have been worth more…until I started dancing with the devil…sad to remember even because they seem to only hold me back from accepting my true purpose in life…to serve sexual desires and prompt fantasies.
Why do I even have any other qualities? I know she meant it as a compliment though… It was very kind of her to recognize me. It made me hope for a minute…just enough to get back on the dance floor with him. Geesh!
For such a woe-is-me post here, I’m surprisingly resigned at the moment. I don’t really feel sorry for myself. i know it could always be so much worse! Many don’t have the blessings I have, so how dare I be such a pitiful ingrate? There are ceratainly far worse possibilities in life than having a clset full of precious charcteristics which don’t make a bit of difference and serve no real purpose in the world
So today I’ve been invited to dance in the sun with the devil. And although I’ve not committed myself to it yet…heaven knows I’ll be frolicking about in the sun as his prism, changing colors as he does because I can never remember my real color when I dance with him in spiritual and physical passionate delight. My only constant color being a twist between The Devil’s Concubine Fiery Red and Optimistically Naïve Spring Green…
And although I already know the doom of the future of this dance…..Crayola dance, I will!
Are granola bars truly satisfying?
10 May 2009 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, respect Tags: confusion, connection, conscience, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, dysfunction, fucked up, games, heartbreak, LOVE, ponderings, sincerity, single, unconditional love
When you “like” everyone but love only the one whom you wish you didn’t. Complications are bound to arise.
And what is it all about anymore anyway? Is it all just a means to an end with the “end” being sex? Is there no one anymore willing to commit to the vulnerabilities of creating a relationship? Sex for the sake of sex alone… or sex for the sake of brief, momentary companionship? Is it simply to fulfill a base, animal desire? Animals mate by instinct, but aren’t humans supposedly more evolved than that? What is a world where we are all just responding to instinct without using our emotions and/or evolved conscience? I don’t disagree with non-committed sex, if that’s what makes one happy and is within a mutually agreed understanding, although I still see it somehow as a rather sad and lonely way to connect with others; lacking anything beyond two animals satisfying a need.
It makes me think of eating for the sake of hunger alone… isn’t something far more fulfilling missing when we do that? Yes, at times one must eat in order to survive and follow the instinct of hunger. However, my enjoyment of food would be significantly lessened if this was my regular practice. I enjoy planning a meal, shopping for all the special, unique ingredients, and then committing some time to creating something that is deeply enjoyable and fulfilling in response to my hunger. These are the memorable meals that are savored and appreciated. Other times, when I don’t want to take time or care into this, I can just grab a granola bar. I would never be satisfied if every meal was just a granola bar on the run…even if it is a delicious granola bar! Would I ever look forward to meals or obtain that deeply satisfying sensation of fulfilling a need beautifully as opposed to quickly and randomly? Personally, I would skip many meals if this was how I choose to fulfill my hunger. Food and eating would cease to hold anything compelling or desirous for me. Anything acceptably edible would do…
It was an interesting weekend. I socialized more than I have in years… actually went out to the bars with friends, both single and married friends. The married ones are in marriages where there is no real appreciation or satisfaction within their relationships and seem to blatantly be relationships of convenience and routine comfort. I don’t understand this and it’s almost painful for me to hear and recognize these situations. The single friends are all exasperated and frustrated with the single life of searching in a world of people seeking to satisfy sexual desire or a need for brief connection. Weary from seeking something meaningful in a world saturated with animals merely fulfilling something for survival. I am utterly lost in this kind of world, as I see both of these situations as senseless and hopelessly arbitrary. What’s the point to either? I just don’t get it. I don’t know how I could ever belong to one group or another and yet, there seems to be nothing else as options, except perhaps satisfaction as a single person, not looking for anything. That answer practically forces a withdrawal from these people and settings though. Your mere presence in these environments of animals seeking to satisfy a random hunger-on-the-run means that you will be pulled in… either to play, participate, or dodge and avoid.
I was there. I was smack in the middle of it all. So I played. Although I’m just not good at this kind of play. I’m far too sensitive of others’ feelings, when most likely they aren’t even acting on any feelings at all, but rather a driving force for some base instinct, which I’m not even fully aware of what yet, which obviously puts me at somewhat of a disadvantage. My only advantage at all, perhaps being that some people find me physically attractive?
I go out last night with a friend and I meet/see several men I know while I’m out. It turned into a sad comedy really, where I was trying to balance being considerate of the pride of three different males attempting to do whatever they are attempting to do. I listened to the offers. None of which held any appeal at all for me, but how do you remain sensitive to feelings and state something like that? “No thank you. That concept/proposition/whatever hold absolutely no appeal to me whatsoever, but gosh, you’re so sweet to offer.” There’s no way I could say something like that! So, it became a game of trying to say basically that (or at least obtain the same result) without ever saying it outright. “No, I really can’t have you over tonight. My children are home and that’s not a good example for them.” “No, I can’t go to your hot tub or come over to play scrabble because I have to get home at a decent hour.” “No, he is not my boyfriend. I am single, but he’s my friend and we’ve had dinner a few times.” “I don’t know why he’s hovering around me, but I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings…”
One guy says he respects my no casual sex rule, but just wants to be close to me. Is this true? In this environment, I am no longer naïve enough to believe that. I no longer have the luxury of my confounding naïveté to those kinds of plays. I am at a million disadvantages here. My basic innocence which tells me that people are somewhat like me and so they don’t usually lie, although I’m starting to suspect that they do… Addled with the impenetrable, undeniable fact that my heart is fully vested in another, in spite of the fact that I’m single. And that if I were to choose to engage in sex for the sake of physical satisfaction alone, I would always choose the man I love…or go without, as any other option just feels too arbitrary to bother with and far more trouble than it might be worth.
So, after juggling these men’s feelings and trying to be as honest as I could without exposing my vulnerabilities or my thoughts of the whole game itself, or my hopeless love and devotion for another, I went home alone. I was happy to go home alone, as the the only other desirable option would be to go home with DK and engage in more casually uncasual sex with the man I love sexually, spiritually, and emotionally… the same man I have loved for years and the only man I’m willing to compromise myself sexually for in order to have the sensation of closeness and intimacy that I miss from that very same man. Nothing else makes any sense to me. And even if that is pathetic and hopeless, the more I get offers for anything else, the more I sadly understand that I’m simply not available for any of those options. I’m simply not available at all, much less to something that I see no point to and don’t understand on any level.
It’s all very interesting, but other than feeling forced to play a game I don’t believe in and don’t even really know the rules. It was fun on a learning experience level…but sad too that my vestment and devotion to DK is only strengthened as I’m exposed to these environments. I am certain that my “situation” insists that I will wind up a very lonely person with 100 cats to keep me company when this is all over. Until I learn how to play this game and obtain a desire to fulfill myself with random granola bars on the run or break the hopeless devotion to a happiness-gone-by, I really can’t see any other options or be open to them.
Freakishly sad and unfortunate.,..but fun times with the girls..that’s for sure! It was nice to have some laughs with friends and look around at what’s become of it all.
3 days
22 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, Life, LOVE, Writing Tags: abusive relationships, boundaries, broken, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., depression, devotion, friends, hope, hopeless, LOVE, recovering, self love, self-respect, unconditional love
It’s been three days without writing. It was nice to have company and he is delightful…. and I also always feel a little lost when I go that amount of time without writing and attempting to organize and express my thoughts…
Feeling all sorts of strange things….extremely sad about Dave…afraid…worried….excited….empty….
Friends over last night. Funny I feel mostly the same things about that situation too. Like I want so much to protect them and also desperately protect myself from them. It is hard to accept and face all the things Dave tried to tell me and especially hard without the safety of him to buffer the bruising of my innocence falling.
I do not know how to love anyone else. I do not know how to perceive less than perfection…perfect fit…perfect understanding….the perfect piece. Everything else feels too scary to even try and even the pieces that seem like they might fit better than most still don’t fit just like that. I do not know how I will ever fully recover. I repeatedly tell myself it is possible; that it will happen in time…more and more time. And I get the strangest sense that I’m lying to myself with every reassurance. I can’t possibly tell myself it won’t happen and lying to myself is frustrating in itself.
It is possible. It will happen in time. It has to.
Superhero of love
18 Sep 2008 2 Comments
in broken heart, Dave, dreams, faith, fears, Life, LOVE, Uncategorized Tags: Dave, DAVE K., destiny, devotion, dysfunction, hope, LOVE, Loyalty, unconditional love
Waiting and wondering, searching for unknown mysterious answers.
Free from most things, except waiting and wondering. As an expectant bride or as the death row inmate, afraid but with a degree of resolve. In moving my things, I found the ring I had been wondering where it was. You might be getting married… You might be letting go… You might love me… Amidst a plethora of possibilities, I wait, just as I have. Today I work on detaching from the answers; the only answers that mattered to me yesterday. I meditate and retreat, ground and steady for the worst with little moments of pleasant anticipation for the best.
What would I do if all my dreams came true? Are my dreams even the same? I don’t know my dreams now. I only know the vaguely familiar ache of hope that still resonates like a cello string after it’s been plucked. My hope is for resolution and peace. Somewhat for acknowledgement and to be left unbothered. Expectations drop – the bar being lowered with every disappointment… While hope holds high, only much more quiet and reserved than ever before. Hope to no longer fear or worry; hope to no longer hurt or ache from hope.
As everything inside transforms and mutates, that tiny sparkling piece of hope glitters in the muck and mire of devastation. Hope subsides but never ceases, like love from the recesses of a true heart. The strength of such things is amazing. If only my body could hold similar strength, a fortitude that is undefeatable… I might be a superhero. I am the superhero of love, hoping that your heart was not broken and sadly thinking that it was. I would never wish that for you. That pain is transforming and slowly suffocates the innocent light which comes from within. Perhaps my magical faith restores and protects you?
The journey has been filled with everything from glorious intoxicating joy to gripping horror and every thing in between. How will it end? Where? Does it ever?
Swimming butterflies
13 Jul 2008 Leave a Comment
in Dave, faith, LOVE Tags: DAVE K., devotion, LOVE, Loyalty, unconditional love
"After all we've been through" by myoriginalsin
Swimming butterflies
I close my eyes and am transported to a lovely, peaceful wooded area. I’m lying in the grass next to a flowing stream, with my hand swishing in the water, back and forth. I love the feel of the water, soft and cool against my skin. Staring at the sunny sky, crystal blue and clear, I think of him and wonder. I wonder why I think of him… I wonder where he is that moment… I wonder if he feels peace or joy… I wonder why things are the way they are… I wonder the bigger picture, the message, and what is the lesson of it all… I wonder if I’ve truly understood the message and if I’ve fully comprehended the intended lesson. I allow my mind to float aimlessly. I wonder something for a moment, release it and allow another thought to pose. I feel mostly peaceful, in spite of the persistent musings about him, which I have not the answers
As I swish my hand slowly back and forth, I feel something directly float into my hand, as though the stream was personally giving me a gift. I lift it out of the water, sit up and look at it. It appears to be a rock of some sort, uniquely shaped like a heart, and purplish in color. Yet, it’s not really a rock. It’s made of an unusual substance. It’s almost hard like a rock and yet it feels fluid and malleable, as well. It’s very unusual, and has a natural beauty. I feel energetic heat in my hand from holding it and I’m compelled to pull it to my chest. I want it close to me. Holding it to my own heart, its energy runs through me. It zips around and about my entire body quickly, yet thoroughly. I feel energized and even more peaceful. I do not want to take it away from my chest or put it down… ever…!
Like magic, he is suddenly there next to me, looking at me strangely and gently smiling, almost as though he’s been watching me for awhile and wants to tease me for being as silly as he knows only I can often be. His eyes dance with quiet laughter, as he silently holds out his hand, an unspoken request to hold my gift. I don’t hesitate to place it into his hand, instantly wondering if he’ll be able to feel the energy from it also or if it’s just one of those strange things I, alone, can sense. I think he must have felt what I felt from it, because almost as soon as it touched his hand, he draws it to his heart, just as I had been inclined. Now, I know he feels it because the energy from the rock starts swirling around him like liquid lavender butterflies flowing all around, through him and around, a ritual rhythm of protection. His eyes still dance, but it’s no longer with laughter, it’s as though they now radiate the joy that this beautiful energy is moving through him. Still holding the rock to his heart, he reaches out to me with his free hand and I place mine directly in his. He holds it firmly, but does not squeeze. In a few moments, I can feel the lavender butterflies, flowing through and around me as well. My heart feels tiny flutters so gentle they are nearly imperceptible, as the butterflies fly smoothly in and out of my softly beating heart… They flow from his to mine and back again, flowing all around both of us as if creating a vibrational energy force of love.
It is the most incredible sensation, very unusual and difficult to explain, but as our hearts were “fluttered-by” by this butterfly energy, my stomach had the feeling that I was sliding down a rainbow… that gleeful, giggly feeling like one gets when riding the ebb and flow of massive ocean waves. I look at him to see his expression and it is then that I realize what we had found. This heart gift was the creation of our joined souls …the conception of the love we shared had solidified into its own, strong enough now to live separately from us; beating the pulse and breathing life from the eternal connection.
the unintentional gift
01 Jul 2008 Leave a Comment
in Beginnings, broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: boundaries, DAVE K., devotion, LOVE, relationships, sex, unanswered questions, unconditional love, X's
He paid her an interesting visit Sunday night around 10 pm….
Today, her heart felt like a balloon floating off into the blue skies of joyful eternity and simultneously felt like it was carrying a 200 pound albatross…. Heavy as hell!
Perspective. She mustn’t lose it. He drinks. He lies. He has hidden, completely unknown motivations for his behavior. Of course he misses her life; her “cool life” that once brought him such happiness that his heart opened “wider than ever before”. That is, if it had ever been opened at all before…?
Hers had opened in increments… A shy heart, wanting so badly to open, but holding back hiding behind the door trying to assess the situation prior to stepping out into the vulnerable company of another seemingly open heart. ….Until him…. at which time she had ripped it from her chest, undressed it completely, and handed it to him, naked and beating fervently, as a graceful offering of her last hopeful faith, absolute adoration, and blind trust. Trust: the ultimate gift that is an automatic bonus when genuinely offering up your heart to another. When you hand someone this rare and precious gem, it apparently automatically comes beautifully gift-wrapped in the fragile, delicate paper of trust.
What was the game this time? She had seen him Saturday night and ignored him. She no longer had any interest in trying to reach him or get through his army of pride. She had surrendered to her love for him and had no fight left. She no longer saw the purpose in fighting against her own heart. This Sunday visit had to be somehow directly related to that little run-in. Was he just doing a maintenance check to be sure he still had ownership of the very thing he repeatedly claims he no longer wants?
She told him that on Sunday too. When he’d brought up their past and how/why they had gotten to this point, she told him, “Whatever the past, whatever the future Dave, it is what it is. For whatever crazy reason, I am still here at this very moment and for whatever crazy reason, you are still next to me at this very moment. Apparently, I’m going to love you no matter what you do, have done, or are doing. Why question any of it anymore?”
Of course, speaking to him of such things now was a little like asking her coffee table to develop compassion for the global climate. It was void of reaching any understanding, but she threw it out there anyway. She had willingly handed him that partly because it was the simple, uncluttered truth and partly because she still lacked the answers to his panfully difficult questions, which were the very same questions that had been burning through her mind for more than two long years.
“Why am I here right now? Why do I still love you? Why can’t I stop? Why doesn’t it ever go away?” Ahhhh…these additional questions of his that she, herself, had grudgingly come to just accept as unanswerable riddles of perpetual life perpexity. No matter his questions or her answres, he kept stopping to tightly hold her against him, sighing deeply when she asked, “What’s wrong?” He had sighed an awful lot the entire night; deep long sighs of frustration tempered for the moment by the relief of holding her. …And she, she had bargained his fish for her sex on the upcoming Tuesday and he had agreed, laughing at her bargaining tactics. She had laughed too. It really had become just that silly.
So after his return with the evidence of his choice to be with her, instead of at home in his own bed, she gave into him and no fish were involved in the matter. When he returned, she had woken in a fuzzy haze of confusion at his presence and slowly realized she was naked and in his brief absence, her bed had turned into a silver platter… His silver platter, where inside his choice, she innocently rested her compromising feelings about having sex with him. The very moment she’d given into him, she briefly wondered to herself if this was the right thing to do. And the immediate, unhesitating response from her deepest soul intuition was, “You belong to him. Who are you to withold from him his very own possession? Deny him his right to what is his?” It came to her suddenly that at times she didn’t give herself to him only because she was desperately trying to re-claim her rights to the property she had already given him free and clear. That’s all. It changed nothing whether she wanted to physically give it back to him right at this moment or not… Nothing changed by trying to stake a re-claim of her body. Her body was only the physical manifestation of her heart. She could refuse it to him and still, at the end of the day- at the end of every day- it was still going to be his and no one else’s anyway.
What the HELL???!!?!?!! Oh gosh, this love business is freaking SERIOUS…. Thank God she had never let herself get there before!! Of course, if she had, then maybe she’d have only had a portion of herself to give him at all from the start and she wouldn’t be in this very predicament now? She didn’t know and she could no longer presume to know or understand such things… She wasn’t even sure she any longer wanted to understand these things.
Your blabs