Moving, flowing, stagnating…decaying…
11 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, broken heart, Dave, Ex's, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken, broken dreams, broken heart, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., destruction, fucked up, karma, Life, Life Lessons, lost spirit, LOVE, ponderings, Questions, relationships, unconditional love
Now what? Will the stench of my battered and beaten soul carry over? Will the people here smell it as easily as the people there seemed to? Will the breakdown of the very fiber of my being, atom by atom, continue here to break down?
Woke up this morning to thoughts of him, resentfully wondering when will the first day in six years that I do not think even once of him? …not remember some cruelty, or worse yet some ancient loving kindness which should by now be so stale and moldy that I’m not at all tempted to revisit a site or feeling so ancient its very authenticity should now be questioned…because it’s validity has been so thoroughly contaminated by age and drenched in poisonous toxins of regular cruelty… When?
…can people smell the decay of a rotting heart, the bloody and beaten spirit from 2,000 miles away from the scene of the crime? And four years after the initial deadly stab? All the countless following merely a swift revival of that heart, just to rip its tenderly mended pieces apart yet again? Does mere redundancy smell of the bitter metallic scent of the initial blood-fest?
“Stalked” his FB page the other day, overwhelmed with curiosity. (Maybe that’s why the thoughts? Haha..who am I kidding here?!) Yes, he has an official (albeit not FB status official yet) new bi-annual flavor. So interesting! Took the man four years after our split to make a commitment for anything beyond a one-night-stand, well other of course than the 2 AM booty call “regular”… And now he’s suddenly a serial committer? WTF?! His booty-call turned engagement split was a mere 7 months ago or so and he’s already on to another “girlfriend”? Is this due to the hardened heart he’s claimed so many times that I caused as he stabbed another knife into my heart, yet another time? Or is it desperation on his part to stay away from me..or desperation to have someone, anyone, something meaningful in his beginning-to-age years? A sudden newly developed fear of being truly alone? Exaggerated quick commitment because his fear of commitment has grown beyond his control?
After crying and whining for over four years that he could not find what we had..nothing even close to the passion, joy, and love we shared, suddenly he’s meeting these types of suitable replacements back-to-back?
What is that even? Other than either just plain good fortune (I mean, WOW!) or mere pathetic desperation stemming from a weariness of chronic one-or-two-night stands with faceless, nameless people full of drunken meaningless redundant sexual escapades?
I shouldn’t even ponder any of this..it certainly matters not a smidgen on any level at this point… However, it’s mystifying to me… What on earth does this even mean? So odd…but hopefully he’s found “the one”. In spite of my resentments that he refuses to leave my heart and mind once and for all (ugh!), I actually do wish him happiness…..well that mixed with a bit of karma too perhaps…hehe… After all, I am still a human being, perhaps barely, but I am…I am…still flawed and human after all!
Goodbye Tomorrow
02 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, moving Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken, broken dreams, broken heart, Broken hearts, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., disappontment, dysfunction, fucked up, heartbreak, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, manipulation, memories, ponderings, Questions, relationships, unconditional love, wishes, WTF
Tomorrow is the day!!! We fly out of here with a one-way ticket….no return, no changing minds, no turning back…. it’s one-way, baby! Scary and exhilarating. I will cry. Good-byes are in the realm of unbearable for me…literally. I often find I’d rather be rude and avoid people than ever say good-bye. I’m not even good at saying good-bye to the people I don’t like! I just detest good-byes! Typically, I avoid them like the plague…
There is no avoiding tomorrow… Which means there will be crying, sobbing, heaving, the embarrassing kind of tears…the “OMG Dave and I broke up” kinda crying probably…ewww!
I returned DK’s clothes I’ve had for a while. I wouldn’t want the next ridiculous accusation to be that I’m a thief. Sadly, that’s not even an absurd or paranoid fear with the way he bashes my character. Crazy to realize that after hitting the best of the best and the worst of the worst, the man has zero feelings for me at all. After all the nights he came running to me, crying and sighing, full of words he couldn’t get out, as well as words he never should have let out. After it all, there is nothing. Empty. Void. Zero. Nada.
I thought of keeping his clothes out of spite even, but realized I just don’t want them and he does, so why not take the high road? It’s not as if keeping a few articles of his favorite clothing would ever compensate for all the cruel damage he’s done anyway…and it would mostly just serve to make me feel petty and small. So, I dropped them at his house when he wasn’t home..nor was the new “bi-annual flavor of the month” there either.
Strangely, I don’t wish him ill. I almost wish I did or could, but I just don’t. I even sometimes have little prayers and hopes that perhaps this is finally “the one” for him..this latest strange car parked at his house down the street from my soon-to-be old house. Perhaps this is the happiness he needed, minus any inconveniences or challenges which I represented to him after all the years and tears? The mean part of me wants to hope he just gets what he’s dished out to me for so long – cruelty. But, my heart would ache to think of him hurting even a moment the way he’s hurt me. I don’t know if that makes me strong or just plain stupid..but I’m leaning toward the “stupid” answer.
I’ll never know how someone could be and do so much good (and horrible) in my life and then just be absolutely nothing. The two just contradict themselves. I feel as though this sets a low-level of importance on anything. As though the most wondrous of experiences and feelings will always be significantly lessened in my mind and heart because maybe someday that very thing will merely be a void of anything, like this whole experience was. If anyone had ever tried to tell me that I would be literally nothing to the man who loved me so much he cried, I would have laughed at the ridiculous thought alone and been certain as I’ve been of nothing in my life, but certain that it all meant something significant.
Nope. It all was merely nothing. Every tear, every effort, every cruelty I allowed hoping it would make things even again, hoping it would open his heart back up, hoping we could at least have a friendship…..all for nothing. It feels as though I’m so dispensable and worthless that not even a shred of emotion, good OR bad, can be mustered up on behalf of it ALL….that just feels “off” to me…impossible actually…and yet it’s totally possible and realistic today.
And I wonder if I’ll ever bother to waste a tear, an emotion, much less an effort on any other person who claims to love me? After all, if it’s possible to just mean nothing as though it never was or happened, then why would one ever waste even a moment on such trivial, useless-ness? Seems pretty silly really…
And I think to myself that either he really IS a sociopath (that’s a hurtful hard thought really) or I am just a crazy person (always a possibility). All I know is that this feels like I’m having to realize that one plus one does not equal two, macaroni does not go well with cheese, and french fries are not commonly eaten with ketchup. Feels as though the whole world is not what I once knew; as though nothing at all is what I’ve ever thought. It’s almost more upside down and confused than the day we broke up. I knew he cared and I at least knew why we split. This though…this makes no sense whatsoever.
Radical acceptance here that the grass is orange and the sky is green. Nothing is was or will be what it seems…. I can only hope that this realization will keep things in perspective for me from here on out and I’m never again tempted to place value (much less such precious value) on such trifling and trivial matters as this has apparently been.
What a lesson!
Did John-Boy seem the vengeful type…or was it just me?
17 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Ex's, John Boy, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: broken dreams, broken heart, Broken hearts, confusion, destruction, disappontment, fucked up, hope, lies, Life Lessons, lost spirit, LOVE, manipulation, memories, relationships, revenge
She was torn between desperately seeking the stability and love she’d never known and enjoying her relatively new freedom. She was seeking her own identity, uncomfortable and unsure in her own skin and never quite sure why she warranted so much attention and certainly not at all sure how to handle such attention politely, without hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not that she had not been told she was beautiful by boys and men before or wanted by many, it was that she literally could not see that or comprehend the possibility. She was a dry sponge full of holes, seeking all the love and attention she had never felt before. She certainly wasn’t a slut in any sexually promiscuous sense, but perhaps she did fit the description of an attention whore. She couldn’t understand how anyone could love her or think her beautiful in any definition of the word. In spite of her need for freedom, she longed with every part of her being to feel loved and to believe she was beautiful in someone’s eyes…to feel accepted just as she was, flaws and holes and all…
Unfortunately, she felt the closest to beautiful and worthy when she was making other people feel good about themselves and this would eventually be her slow demise in satisfying her own deepest hopes, but that’s another story entirely. There was a supply and demand in effect seemingly at all times. Men longed for her attention and she longed to make people feel good. She could spend hours talking to a stranger in a club about his job, his school, his relationships, his dreams, his broken heart, anything…and treat him as if he was the only person on the planet for the duration of that conversation…often to the annoyance of her friends and/or boyfriends.
By her early twenties, she had ended two significant relationships. The relationships themselves weren’t bad per se, but she was a lost and meandering spirit. It was almost as if once the relationship reached a mutually satisfying point, she felt her “work there was done” and her attention needed to go to the next soul seeking her heart, time, and attention. So after ending two serious LTR’s, which did not go quietly, she finally conceded to her long-subdued need for freedom and her completely suppressed wild at heart nature… She dreaded the thought of committing to a relationship with a man because it seemed somehow to always eventually end with a hurt man and her feeling as though her effort to make someone feel loved and important always began with the best of intentions and resulted in their broken heart. This was not at all what she wanted.
So after ending an engagement with a terrific man who loved her in the most beautifully endearing and devoted way and running straight into the arms of an abuser, she resolved to stay free. In her partying and carousing with friends she only gave a few hours of dedication to anyone and moved on to someone else…until she inadvertently and unintentionally met John. Strange that she’d caught him watching her quietly on many occasions and took note of him. She found him truly handsome in the most adorable boy-next-door way, but he never approached except nonchalantly in passing. After several of these incidents, they finally had an actual conversation. He was so damned likeable and undeniably adorable. She loved his eyes – the way they watched her quietly without attempting to connect with her or pick her up (ugh!) and she loved the way he innocently made her laugh without even trying. She spent several platonic evenings with him, just partying and having fun.
Since this started innocently enough, she felt no warnings that trouble was brewing. They were both having a blast and neither seemed intent upon choking the other’s freedom, but they enjoyed their time together so much each day would follow into the next. She even discovered that he was a few years younger than she and it didn’t matter at all to her. He wasn’t even jealous of her flirty personalityand he gave her total trust and freedom!!!! She loved this. Could it be he actually understood her? It seemed natural that suddenly one day she realized that their affections had grown big and they were spending all of their free time together…and she didn’t even want to change that or run from it…were they falling in love?
Yes, it seemed so. This realization hit when she received acceptance to the school she’d applied to upon her last release from a relationship. She had applied in a moment of freedom and need to not be held back from her goals again…a brief respite between obligations. But against her design and intention, he was now in love and she loved him in return as well. Uh-oh..scary, as this never ended well for her. Always seemed to end in a flurry of anger, broken hearts and her immersion in guilt which provoked a need in her to run far, far away.
It was a difficult situation, but they were young, confident with one another, and happy…therefore this could still work. Right? No one had to get hurt this time. Long distance relationships could work for truly happy couples. Besides, she just wanted to go finish her education at the school of her choosing, not date around or get involved in any relationships. This should be easy.
They missed each other terribly, though. The connection was difficult to maintain from such a distance. And she was immersed in the collegiate life while he was in the town he grew up in and working the job he intended to work forever. She wasn’t dating anyone else, but she had a few study friends whom she enjoyed hanging out with as well. They had little in common under these circumstances and their phone calls started feeling like a “duty” to her, not an enjoyment. He planned a visit.
On this visit, he mentioned shopping for a promise ring to cement their relationship and their desire to progress into the next natural step for a happy couple. Except, his visit, his presence, annoyed her. She didn’t know why. She still loved him. She just couldn’t feel or find that connection to him anymore once she was removed from their little shared town, at least not enough to accept a promise ring or in good conscience, continue the relationship that was stunted for her and clearly still growing stronger for him. After a few days of his visit, she discussed this with him and ended the relationship. She felt sick to do this, she adored him, but she felt it was the right thing to do in the midst of her confusion confounded and highlighted by his devoted certainty. It was over. He left. She could tell he was very hurt and she hated that, but he didn’t seem angry and for that, she was so grateful that it almost sparked her feelings again…but not quite enough to change her choice in the matter. She had to be fair to him. He deserved at least that and her conscience refused to accept less for him.
Fast forward five or six years.
Back in their hometown for a few years now, she was a single mother, scared and still lost. One night she runs into him at a bar. They start talking and reconnecting. Inside she is scared and far more damaged than she was years before. In her loneliness and fear, he represents something good and safe to her. She decides to go home with him. After all, it’s John Boy. The safest place she’d known at this point. He’d never gotten angry at her for who she was. On the contrary, he had always seemed to understand her when no one else could. Ahhhhhh…safety and sincerity.
When they woke up the next morning, she felt happy to be next to him. No it wasn’t the answer to everything of course, but it was a safe and familiar place at last and she had always adored him anyway.
As he was driving her home, he said, “I don’t want you. I just wanted to pay you back for breaking my heart all those years ago…. How does it feel?” Her heart ripped as he laughed.
Well done John Boy…very cruel effective.
Elephant in my living room!
15 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in addiction, addiction behaviors, choices, fears, Mark D., moving, PTSD Tags: abusive relationships, boundaries, confusion, dysfunction, fears, fucked up, insanity, Life Lessons, Loyalty, memories, Questions, transformations, unconditional love
I can’t talk to M about much of anything anymore and it scares me. We are moving so soon and so much rides on him for that….
I keep trying in a delicate, but honest, way to point out my concerns, but just like 13 years ago, everything is an “attack”. Every word of concern gets met with, “I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!! I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!! I AM NOT A BAD PERSON” screamed repeatedly over my trying-to-stay calm voice and words, until I have no choice but to hang up the phone. Obviously, this doesn’t result in anything productive and does the very opposite of reassuring my fears.
This experience throws me clear into full force PTSD as I’m hurled instantly to 13 years ago…trapped, scared, nervous, with a 3 month old child to care for. My knees shake, my head spins and the frustration at not being heard, not being counted, not being considered, not being able to even TALK is overwhelming and terrifying to my core. What am I doing?
Mark, he who I’ve watched struggle and kick for years, fighting his way past and beyond all that once haunted and controlled him, is yet again unreachable, irreproachable, impossible to reason with. And I am left feeling two options: return to that horribly handicapping environment which threatened my sanity or continue raising my children far away from their loving father.
Even the choices alone don’t feel like choices. They feel like steel walls closing in on me fast, boxing me in tight, with the “rules” written in graffiti all over them in bold black paint. Rules from my childhood; rules from my relationship with Mark 13 years ago.
The rules:
- No matter what M does or says, it’s always absolutely fine.
- No one is to question, doubt, or worry about M’s behaviors or choices. They are all as close to perfect as could possibly be.
- No one is to point out (kindly or otherwise) any fears or, God forbid, discrepancies in Mark’s choices.
- If you see an elephant in the living room, no one is to speak of it, question its presence, or for God’s sake call it an elephant. Nothing is what it appears and only M knows what it really is, so he cannot be questioned or expected to communicate with the rest of us.
- It’s M’s world…only his reality counts…the rest of us are just graced with the opportunity to live in it…so SHUT UP.
- If you speak or imply any of the above, it is a direct “attack on M” and he will kick and scream accordingly, deftly playing the offense is the best defense game to the point that you’re wasting every word you can actually get into the conversation, trying (in utter futility) to insist that you’ve not attacked or insulted M.
- Every word you say that is not an ass-kissing “M, you’re the GREATEST!” is, in fact, going to be considered an attack.
- Your actual words will not ever matter. They are ALL an attack on Mark, unless they are a direct and undisguised compliment of his person and character.
- M will hear what M hears and it’s not up for discussion… What M hears IS what you said, no matter how far off it may seem (to you) from what you’ve actually said.
- Questions, doubts, fears (authentic or otherwise) will NOT be tolerated or spoken of EVER.
- Unless you are complimenting M on how wonderful he is, you must SHUT UP AT ALL TIMES.
I am afraid. I am rendered paralyzed to act and terrified to speak of my concerns…while the walls close in tighter on me.
“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
A newlywed’s conversation
27 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, children, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, just a little strange..., just messed up, Life, LOVE, marriage, mothers, signs, Uncategorized Tags: bitchy, communication, confusion, LOVE, Loyalty, spiritual commitment, WTF
It was 2 days since the wedding. A simple, beautiful wedding in a tiny white gazebo in the park over-looking the big lake, gorgeous summer day, fresh green grass, and even a few butterflies attended the ceremony. Understated and simple, the bride wore a white sundress and the groom wore khakis and a white linen shirt. Other than the butterflies, it was attended only by immediate family… The perfect casual summer wedding!
A well-loved and favorite memory of this wedding, for the bride, would always be the groom’s mother hugging her so warmly immediately following the ceremony. She whispered in the newly married girl’s ear,
I finally have the daughter I’ve always wanted! Thank you!
As a girl without a mother, this was particularly precious to the bride and made the day even that much more perfect.
The wedding night was not so perfect, but that’s another story altogether. The couple didn’t go on honeymoon…that was not in the budget and this really didn’t matter much to either of them.
Two days after the wedding, the newly wedded bride is speaking on the phone early in the morning with her mother-in law and discussing various things like the children and the wedding. God was always a big part of these conversations she had with her husband’s mother too. The bride appreciated this and valued not only having a “mother” at last, but one who could provide such guidance and support on spiritual matters. She felt truly fortunate and blessed!
During the conversation, “Mom” starts explaining that she keeps the picture of her son and his ex-girlfriend up in their living room for the child’s sake because she wants her 5-year-old grandson to have happy memories of his mom and dad together. Something about this statement feels just a little strange to the bride. She’s not at all jealous of her husband’s ex girlfriend, after all they had broken up many years earlier, long before she had known him. So she doesn’t mind the picture staying up, there’s just something that feels a little funny about the conversation when “Mom” says this and she can’t quite put her finger on what exactly it is. So she smiles into the phone and says, I think that’s a wonderful idea! Children need to have memories of their mother and father together. It’s probably a really good idea to do that for <grandson>.
Having shrugged off that weird feeling, the conversation continues as it had and the bride is practically gushing with love, adoration, and gratitude at this great relationship with this Godly woman, who is now actually her “mother”. Ohhhh so blessed!!
Toward the end of the conversation, “Mom” revisits the photo subject. She adds,
I really don’t want to take that picture down anyway. They really looked so great together, you know? Everyone always said what a beautiful couple they were, but I was always quick to remind the kids that looks aren’t everything. A relationship can’t be maintained on just looking so perfect together.
The bride says quietly, Yes, I agree.
“Mom” says, Still, no one could ever argue that they sure did make the most beautiful couple!
Not so sure what response is appropriate here and feeling terribly uncomfortable at this moment, the bride decides to end the conversation and go attend to the children.
Thanks so much for talking this morning. I’m so happy and blessed that I finally have a “mom”! I love you. Have a beautiful day!
Back to the closet…missing the kissing…
25 Apr 2010 4 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, dating, fears, Friendship, just a little strange..., Life, LOVE, Vacations Tags: Broken hearts, confusion, dating, dogs, funny, journeys, kissing, Life, men, moving on, mysterious unknown, school crushes, wishful thinking, WTF
…and on with the spring cleaning!
Nude linen peek-a-boo flats:
Purchased online last summer in a frenzy of a spontaneous (yes, truly spontaneous in every sense of the word!) trip to Albany, NY.
Came across a man who went to my same school years ago. he was a guy I’d had an adolescent crush on for several years in middle school and beyond. One of those crushes so secret that you don’t admit it to anyone, not even really yourself;. It’s always there, it just sorta hangs out in the quiet admiration corner. In fact, now that I think about it….maybe it was actually more of an admiration thing than a crush thing altogether anyway….
So… crossed paths on Facebook. He denied my friend request at first, apparently because he didn’t remember or recognize me. No real surprise there. After all, I was the little girl with the crush. He was older and more social than I. And FB friends we became….
A running inside joke regarding DK on my page between my friends and I sparked his curiosity, which sparked some one on one emails and extended conversations getting to know each other a little better and such. I was honest about my struggle to get past the DK thing as well as the fact that I was still sexually active with him and rarely anyone else, but mostly my desperation to move on from that situation/relationship/whatever it’s called. At some point he makes the suggestion of just finding another, better lover and I’d get past it all just fine, with a hint of his availability to provide this phenomena. Flirty, suggestive emails commence…and I’m enjoying this diversion from my broken heart. In hind sight, it was probably initially intended merely as a joke or a tease or something, but I, in my true form of desperation and love of this newly blossoming friendship with a school-age crush, took this as a serious possibility and booked a flight to Albany. Did I mention my desperation to get past the whole DK thing? I did? Okay.
Flight booked. It’s summer and I have lost my favorite pair of shoes. I do this often..it might even be my MO. I perpetually struggle to keep shoes and coats. That’s just my thing, I guess… And I need these to wear in Albany. Online shopping I go in search of another similar pair to bring on this emergency voyage of desperation.
Off white (beige?) linen peek-a-boo flats….would go with just about every summer thing I own…shorts, sundresses, capris, etc… Perfect! Purchased. Then packed and off I go to Albany!
This turns into the strangest visit ever! I still have this admiration thing from the 7th grade going on. He is still very handsome, by my specific terms of what is attractive. He is funny, he is very intelligent and he has an amazing dog…WOW! I fall madly in love with the dog, by the way…no really..I mean madly. And I do like him as well. he is a fabulous cook, a brilliant host and I have a great time. The personal (physical?) connection is not understood though. Was there one? I really don’t even know, but my guess today is not much, if any. I wasn’t too concerned about this really, as the whole defining purpose behind the visit was shrouded in the mist of my love and adoration of DK. Anyway, I was having a great time and I was far, FAR removed from the risk of connecting with DK while in Albany, so what did it matter either way?
He never once kissed me in any passionate way throughout my entire visit. I felt like this meant we were connecting probably more as friends and didn’t really think too much of it. Friends was just fine with me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I’m sure. Until….. we did connect sexually once….. I was truly taken aback…..HEY, I thought we were just connecting as friends?! I assumed there was no big sexual attraction going on. What’s this now?!??
… and something was missing. Sort of felt like a piece of loud, almost beautiful music minus a critical instrument. So close to hmmmm….maaayyyybeeeee??? …yet missing something big and undefinable, like maybe it needed more cow bell or something. Really still haven’t quite figured it out…
Ummm….wait! No, I know!!!! It was missing the kissing!!! He never kissed me, not even *then*!! Maybe this is common for prostitutes or even perhaps not so strange for a spontaneous voyage of desperately running from DK. However, I have not once in my life experienced this let’s-just-do-it-and-still-not-kiss-thing. I am confused. After a few days, I finally ask him outright if he ever intends to kiss me. I am far less concerned with the actual kiss at this point than the fact that I’ve never experienced this “issue” before. Do I have a bad case of halitosis? Do I seem lacking in the oral hygiene department? I mean What?!!? (None of this do I say to him or ask, of course, but I’m wondering all of this after we passed the “just a visit between friends” thing.)
He says yes, at some point he will kiss me. Okay. Just curious. Having fun either way….no big deal….cool….
So, I have a truly fantastic little mini vacation with an interesting, attractive, and intelligent crush from way back when, develop a mad crush and obsession with his fabulous dog…and on the way to the airport to go home, we stop for sushi. Delicious sushi, by the way! I mean…yummmmmy! After we eat and are waiting for the check, he gets up to go to the men’s room. As he walks past me at the table, he leans down suddenly and quickly gives me a smooch on the cheek. Awwww..that is sweet, I think to myself. He returns from the men’s room and says, “See? I told you I would kiss you!”
Oh my, my, my… Seriously, what was that?
Thank you. Had a blast. Good bye Albany! Into the box you go little shoes…
non-lunar lunacy
11 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dave, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE Tags: confusion, crazy, Dave, DAVE K., joy, LOVE, ponderings, Questions
Tomorrow will be two months…. I’m falling in love….or am I? my head spins so fast lately that I can’t get my bearings for longer than a few moments….or is it just my mass, perpetual confusion at the overwhelming wonder of being released at last from the dank, twisted, masochistic/sadistic prison of DK?
Have successfully avoided/declined all DK invitations throughout this time, but I’d be a dirty liar if I said that abstinence from him was coming easily, even now in the midst of head reeling, butterfly fluttering falling…. No, I still long for him in so many ways…and ache for the depth of simplistic mutual devotion which we once shared with wild abandon and frightening frenzy…. The only experience remotely of its kind that I have known or imagined could exist to this day.
I have accepted and understand that my love for that man is truly undefined and permanent, without boundaries, limits, or end. My hope is that I’m merely learning to embrace that beautifully difficult truth and function in tandem with it, while still attempting to keep my heart free to live and breathe, rather than suffocating within its constraints.
Am I falling? Am I merely full of joy and gratitude to have a brief, partial release from my prison? Do I even truly understand ordinary love? Or know how to let myself fall or simply crush? My mind, my heart, my emotions…are twisted and distorted, contrarily ecstatic and frightening… I am a vast abyss, swirling with energies and emotions…never able to pin them down for more than a fleeting moment…
Yet, last night, in the midst of intimacy with my lover, I simultaneously felt the urge to scream “STOP! LET ME GO NOW!! I DO NOT WANT THIS RIGHT NOW!!”….and the stinging, oddly satisfying(?) urge to cry… And not cry like a beautiful soft release of emotion, but rather an uncontrollable sob almost came from the depths of my soul and required some heavy concentration and control to suppress it. What is this?
I’m perhaps a certifiable, hysterical lunatic….
Crushing….
18 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
in faith, fears, Life, life transformations, LOVE Tags: confusion, hope, joy, Life, morals, ponderings
In less than on month, I’ve “ended” my association with Danny three times already! I’m surprised that he puts up with it… is it because he likes me enough to do that? Or perhaps because it really matters so very little? I consult the I Ching for some insight and rarely do I receive anything all that positive or informative, but the truth is that those type things hardly ever give me positive input on any topic! One would think that I’m either cursed to nothing much good or that these oracles hesitate to get my hopes up on any matter in my life. For this reason, I choose not to consult such things on matters of deep importance. It would create too much stress!
It’s now “on” again, though. I really ended it and then we had a mutual group outing where I had to ignore him completely and pretend that there is nothing between us. It was quite difficult, but he later told me that he would never have guess it was.. guess I’m a better actress that I give myself credit for! So good that what I was feeling wasn’t projected. It always feels like it is and so I rarely put myself in those positions. I did skip out pretty early though because it was so exhausting to keep up the charade. I just wanted him with me…I mean really with me… I didn’t want to watch him talk to other people and I couldn’t sit close enough to talk to him. Funny thing is, I wasn’t feeling jealous at all…more like just lost… as though he was supposed to be next to me, but wasn’t and it was uncomfortable. So I left early and then gave my phone away so I could be sure not to contact him while under the influence of that prompting evil, alcohol.
However, when I got my phone back the next day, I contacted him immediately and a conversation ensued where I confessed that I wanted him to be with me and had struggled with having things the way they had been the night before. He claimed to be disappointed that I had left early and also claimed he had made an effort to go where he heard I had gone. I see no reason for him to be less than honest about this and yet I do have the strong suspicion that he’s a natural salesman and knows well what to say, when, and just how to get what he wants with minimal effort. This hunch creates perpetual doubts in my mind as to his authenticity. Not necessarily a good thing for a person with my recent (and long term) history with the DK!
So after three brief “endings” (what a joke!), we continue exactly where we left off…between the hours of 1 AM and 4 AM for the most part, which does create feelings of being a concubine of sorts. I do have some understanding of why it is this way and why it needs to be this way right now…but again, given my experiences from the last four years, it doesn’t sit well. So, my girlfriend and I discuss and her advice is to cease on the sexual activity with him until his divorce is actually fully final. That’s such great advice! And only a few short years ago, I’d not have had any trouble at all acting on that. Today, however, it feels next to impossible and I really don’t like or understand that.
Regardless, he asks to come over after his children are in bed and I eagerly agree. I really just want him next to me for awhile even though I know it can only be for a few hours and therefore doesn’t feel all that differently from the DK situation, which I do know is not the healthiest place for me to be right now. BUT, I so much like the way his hands caress my back…the way it doesn’t feel so very wrong right now that it isn’t DK’s hands on my skin. This is my first experience touching and kissing a man without guilt in four years and quite honestly, that, alone, makes it so damned hard to resist. Finally, I don’t feel like I’m cheating on my invisible husband! Finally, I can be single through and through, instead of just physically single but emotionally married. I wish I could be stronger… I wish I could know what’s right and wrong instead of just feeling the relief of the absence of everything without DK is wrong. I’m not sure how to combat that much begged for feeling of relief I have craved for years nor am I totally certain I should. I genuinely don’t know what is right in general or even just right for me at this time…it feels too good just to be with a man in any capacity (sexually or just physically) and not want to sob hysterically afterward and beg forgiveness. How could I not roll around in delight within that right now? How could I just keep it at arm’s length and merely contemplate it? The relief of this is almost better than any orgasm could be…and yet I’m supposed to deny it? Who says? My soul? My future happiness? Morals?
Am I ruining myself completely now…whatever’s left that isn’t ruined, at least? I just don’t know. Does this have a happy ending? What is my happy ending minus DK even?
He’s not living married, so I really don’t feel too badly about that. His future ex-wife seems to have a boyfriend already… After having spent an evening with him, but “apart” from him, I said, “just get that divorce over with and be with me”. He says, “I know what’s going to happen….I’ll get this divorce and we’ll immediately run off and get married”. I say no! No, I just want to be with you for now and maybe in about five years or so if all goes well between us we can discuss marriage and he says premonition or whatever, he just thinks we will. Just the feeling he gets… Sales job or truth?
I do not know. I only know for right now that I do, in act, and so surprisingly and totally unexpectedly, like him……I actually do like him. Fight it or revel around in delight in it? Hmmmm….?
Spinning…spinning…spinning!
12 Dec 2009 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, Dave, dreams, faith, fears, just messed up, Life, life transformations, LOVE, Writing Tags: confusion, connection, Dave, DAVE K., desire, desperation, destruction, strength, unconditional love
At last I can write – or I believe I can…. Typically, I write to process thoughts and mass confusion, as well as to ease the throbbing from the proverbial knife which stabs directly into my heart…and sits there…refusing to budge…
Seems D wasn’t as “gone” as I thought, as true to form, he has reappeared yet again…at the 6 month mark of his absence. The “FOR SALE” sign no longer sits in his yard. Its absence screams of something which didn’t quite work the way he had hoped…or another had hoped? I will never know the story. I can’t imagine I will ever ask..or learn the truth whatever it may be regardless, so I’ll not be asking!
Last Saturday, prior to any contact since June, I could not shake him from my thoughts. His presence lingered everywhere and quite honestly was driving me mad. Random glances at the driveway with the misplaced wondering of when is D coming home? The chronic expectation that he would, should be arriving any moment was leaving me with the distinct feeling of mildly hysterical insanity. “Of course he is not pulling in any moment, you FOOL!”, I consistently admonished my own thoughts. My eldest could not shake him either and we both felt this quite odd and of course, unsettling in its random constancy.
When around 11 PM I received a text message, I still did not imagine for a moment it was him. As only 6 months ago I would have been certain it was. And yet…..something in my gut told me….”Ahhh yes …THERE HE IS…” And yes, it was him!! I had to look again and again to be sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me! They were not..clear as day my phone announced “DK”. My heart felt it would explode…my hands shook as I grabbed the phone…my head spun so fast I literally struggled to read the words. Ohhhhh I sound so melodramatic! And the most pathetic and embarrassing part of it all, is that if anything, I’m actually somewhat undermining my strong, physical, mental, and emotional response to this tiny contact.
To cut to the chase and cease the temptation to provide every boring detail and subtle nuance of these text interaction that spanned a few hours’ time… After some inner struggle and torturous indecision trying desperately to tell myself, “Absolutely not! Under NO circumstances to you go to him damnit..NO! NO! NOOOO!!!!”, I went to him.
After taking me in fully in only a brief glance, he kissed me immediately…instantly…no moment of waiting or indecision on his part….or mine, in my response. And this proved that our kiss was the same as every kiss. In absolute mutual rhythm and complete understanding of the lip, mouth, heart, and character of the other side of this kiss. Like an orchestra who hasn’t played together in so long and yet they pick up instantly as thought they hadn’t missed a single day of practice… Our mouths met in perfect knowing rhythm, rhyme, and reason. A tiny (oh-so-tiny!) part of my mind, hoped in that brief moment before the initial exchange, that we would be changed somehow and had lost this connection and I would feel (sadly) secure that what we have shared from our first kiss through every kiss of the past five years would be altered beyond recognition. No.
And I didn’t even proclaim any hesitation or feign any trepidation at succumbing to him. Simple and silently clear as, “I want you still.” Yes, I want you still, as well. Like a drowning person finally gasping for that first gulp of delicious life-giving air, with zero embarrassment or cautionary thoughts, I gave myself yet again to the only man I have ever loved.
He spoke of his need for me..his desire…his daily fantasies of me through the past 6 months. And I questioned nothing. I know because I am him. I am his every desire, his every fantasy of thought. I am it every bit as much as he. Logic had no place in this moment in time..nor did rationality. Just the desperate satisfaction at finally being re-connected to my own personal oxygen supply. I do realize that it likely and probable that no one is intended to love anyone or anything on this level, much less need them/it. But after 6 months away from the source, I do not have the energy to carry on the farce that anything of the sort matters…or doesn’t make sense anymore…or hurts so badly later that I almost wish for death. He spoke of needing me and spoke of tomorrow…. I cared not that it was probably lies or exaggerations… my only thought was OXYGEN…AT LAST!!! The world stopped spinning and made sense again for a few hours..at last…
Several days later, he ignored my follow up contact…of course. Nothing has changed…or has it? So I message him that this new game of his was quite sad and he should lose my number permanently rather than drag me through this again…. no response…
Dreamt of him yesterday…the first dream in SO long where we were together and happy..no complications or hidden agendas and it seems I even was handwriting our wedding invitations at one point… This dream was luscious..with no anxieties or stress points mixed in..just the sheer comfort and security we actually shared so long ago…
Nothing at all from him though…. until last night around 11 PM again, when he texts, “I was wrong. Sorry!” …which progresses shortly thereafter to repeated and insistent “I wantyou” Come to me” messages.
I play the game and volley the texts and the subject as hand back and forth for several hours. I never respond to these directly, except one simple “I want you too”. Otherwise, I dodge his demands.
What I will never tell him is that I attempted to go to him, but my garage door was frozen shut, making it impossible for me to leave. I almost texted him this, but opted instead to at least let it appear as though I have some strength against him, some will power inside that provides the ability to deny him.
And my world continues to relentlessly spin. I feel no satisfaction at the false premise of strength against this insanity which circumstances forced upon me. I just miss him. I only love him. Still….
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