Goodbye Tomorrow
02 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, moving Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken, broken dreams, broken heart, Broken hearts, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., disappontment, dysfunction, fucked up, heartbreak, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, manipulation, memories, ponderings, Questions, relationships, unconditional love, wishes, WTF
Tomorrow is the day!!! We fly out of here with a one-way ticket….no return, no changing minds, no turning back…. it’s one-way, baby! Scary and exhilarating. I will cry. Good-byes are in the realm of unbearable for me…literally. I often find I’d rather be rude and avoid people than ever say good-bye. I’m not even good at saying good-bye to the people I don’t like! I just detest good-byes! Typically, I avoid them like the plague…
There is no avoiding tomorrow… Which means there will be crying, sobbing, heaving, the embarrassing kind of tears…the “OMG Dave and I broke up” kinda crying probably…ewww!
I returned DK’s clothes I’ve had for a while. I wouldn’t want the next ridiculous accusation to be that I’m a thief. Sadly, that’s not even an absurd or paranoid fear with the way he bashes my character. Crazy to realize that after hitting the best of the best and the worst of the worst, the man has zero feelings for me at all. After all the nights he came running to me, crying and sighing, full of words he couldn’t get out, as well as words he never should have let out. After it all, there is nothing. Empty. Void. Zero. Nada.
I thought of keeping his clothes out of spite even, but realized I just don’t want them and he does, so why not take the high road? It’s not as if keeping a few articles of his favorite clothing would ever compensate for all the cruel damage he’s done anyway…and it would mostly just serve to make me feel petty and small. So, I dropped them at his house when he wasn’t home..nor was the new “bi-annual flavor of the month” there either.
Strangely, I don’t wish him ill. I almost wish I did or could, but I just don’t. I even sometimes have little prayers and hopes that perhaps this is finally “the one” for him..this latest strange car parked at his house down the street from my soon-to-be old house. Perhaps this is the happiness he needed, minus any inconveniences or challenges which I represented to him after all the years and tears? The mean part of me wants to hope he just gets what he’s dished out to me for so long – cruelty. But, my heart would ache to think of him hurting even a moment the way he’s hurt me. I don’t know if that makes me strong or just plain stupid..but I’m leaning toward the “stupid” answer.
I’ll never know how someone could be and do so much good (and horrible) in my life and then just be absolutely nothing. The two just contradict themselves. I feel as though this sets a low-level of importance on anything. As though the most wondrous of experiences and feelings will always be significantly lessened in my mind and heart because maybe someday that very thing will merely be a void of anything, like this whole experience was. If anyone had ever tried to tell me that I would be literally nothing to the man who loved me so much he cried, I would have laughed at the ridiculous thought alone and been certain as I’ve been of nothing in my life, but certain that it all meant something significant.
Nope. It all was merely nothing. Every tear, every effort, every cruelty I allowed hoping it would make things even again, hoping it would open his heart back up, hoping we could at least have a friendship…..all for nothing. It feels as though I’m so dispensable and worthless that not even a shred of emotion, good OR bad, can be mustered up on behalf of it ALL….that just feels “off” to me…impossible actually…and yet it’s totally possible and realistic today.
And I wonder if I’ll ever bother to waste a tear, an emotion, much less an effort on any other person who claims to love me? After all, if it’s possible to just mean nothing as though it never was or happened, then why would one ever waste even a moment on such trivial, useless-ness? Seems pretty silly really…
And I think to myself that either he really IS a sociopath (that’s a hurtful hard thought really) or I am just a crazy person (always a possibility). All I know is that this feels like I’m having to realize that one plus one does not equal two, macaroni does not go well with cheese, and french fries are not commonly eaten with ketchup. Feels as though the whole world is not what I once knew; as though nothing at all is what I’ve ever thought. It’s almost more upside down and confused than the day we broke up. I knew he cared and I at least knew why we split. This though…this makes no sense whatsoever.
Radical acceptance here that the grass is orange and the sky is green. Nothing is was or will be what it seems…. I can only hope that this realization will keep things in perspective for me from here on out and I’m never again tempted to place value (much less such precious value) on such trifling and trivial matters as this has apparently been.
What a lesson!
Did John-Boy seem the vengeful type…or was it just me?
17 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Ex's, John Boy, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: broken dreams, broken heart, Broken hearts, confusion, destruction, disappontment, fucked up, hope, lies, Life Lessons, lost spirit, LOVE, manipulation, memories, relationships, revenge
She was torn between desperately seeking the stability and love she’d never known and enjoying her relatively new freedom. She was seeking her own identity, uncomfortable and unsure in her own skin and never quite sure why she warranted so much attention and certainly not at all sure how to handle such attention politely, without hurting anyone’s feelings. It’s not that she had not been told she was beautiful by boys and men before or wanted by many, it was that she literally could not see that or comprehend the possibility. She was a dry sponge full of holes, seeking all the love and attention she had never felt before. She certainly wasn’t a slut in any sexually promiscuous sense, but perhaps she did fit the description of an attention whore. She couldn’t understand how anyone could love her or think her beautiful in any definition of the word. In spite of her need for freedom, she longed with every part of her being to feel loved and to believe she was beautiful in someone’s eyes…to feel accepted just as she was, flaws and holes and all…
Unfortunately, she felt the closest to beautiful and worthy when she was making other people feel good about themselves and this would eventually be her slow demise in satisfying her own deepest hopes, but that’s another story entirely. There was a supply and demand in effect seemingly at all times. Men longed for her attention and she longed to make people feel good. She could spend hours talking to a stranger in a club about his job, his school, his relationships, his dreams, his broken heart, anything…and treat him as if he was the only person on the planet for the duration of that conversation…often to the annoyance of her friends and/or boyfriends.
By her early twenties, she had ended two significant relationships. The relationships themselves weren’t bad per se, but she was a lost and meandering spirit. It was almost as if once the relationship reached a mutually satisfying point, she felt her “work there was done” and her attention needed to go to the next soul seeking her heart, time, and attention. So after ending two serious LTR’s, which did not go quietly, she finally conceded to her long-subdued need for freedom and her completely suppressed wild at heart nature… She dreaded the thought of committing to a relationship with a man because it seemed somehow to always eventually end with a hurt man and her feeling as though her effort to make someone feel loved and important always began with the best of intentions and resulted in their broken heart. This was not at all what she wanted.
So after ending an engagement with a terrific man who loved her in the most beautifully endearing and devoted way and running straight into the arms of an abuser, she resolved to stay free. In her partying and carousing with friends she only gave a few hours of dedication to anyone and moved on to someone else…until she inadvertently and unintentionally met John. Strange that she’d caught him watching her quietly on many occasions and took note of him. She found him truly handsome in the most adorable boy-next-door way, but he never approached except nonchalantly in passing. After several of these incidents, they finally had an actual conversation. He was so damned likeable and undeniably adorable. She loved his eyes – the way they watched her quietly without attempting to connect with her or pick her up (ugh!) and she loved the way he innocently made her laugh without even trying. She spent several platonic evenings with him, just partying and having fun.
Since this started innocently enough, she felt no warnings that trouble was brewing. They were both having a blast and neither seemed intent upon choking the other’s freedom, but they enjoyed their time together so much each day would follow into the next. She even discovered that he was a few years younger than she and it didn’t matter at all to her. He wasn’t even jealous of her flirty personalityand he gave her total trust and freedom!!!! She loved this. Could it be he actually understood her? It seemed natural that suddenly one day she realized that their affections had grown big and they were spending all of their free time together…and she didn’t even want to change that or run from it…were they falling in love?
Yes, it seemed so. This realization hit when she received acceptance to the school she’d applied to upon her last release from a relationship. She had applied in a moment of freedom and need to not be held back from her goals again…a brief respite between obligations. But against her design and intention, he was now in love and she loved him in return as well. Uh-oh..scary, as this never ended well for her. Always seemed to end in a flurry of anger, broken hearts and her immersion in guilt which provoked a need in her to run far, far away.
It was a difficult situation, but they were young, confident with one another, and happy…therefore this could still work. Right? No one had to get hurt this time. Long distance relationships could work for truly happy couples. Besides, she just wanted to go finish her education at the school of her choosing, not date around or get involved in any relationships. This should be easy.
They missed each other terribly, though. The connection was difficult to maintain from such a distance. And she was immersed in the collegiate life while he was in the town he grew up in and working the job he intended to work forever. She wasn’t dating anyone else, but she had a few study friends whom she enjoyed hanging out with as well. They had little in common under these circumstances and their phone calls started feeling like a “duty” to her, not an enjoyment. He planned a visit.
On this visit, he mentioned shopping for a promise ring to cement their relationship and their desire to progress into the next natural step for a happy couple. Except, his visit, his presence, annoyed her. She didn’t know why. She still loved him. She just couldn’t feel or find that connection to him anymore once she was removed from their little shared town, at least not enough to accept a promise ring or in good conscience, continue the relationship that was stunted for her and clearly still growing stronger for him. After a few days of his visit, she discussed this with him and ended the relationship. She felt sick to do this, she adored him, but she felt it was the right thing to do in the midst of her confusion confounded and highlighted by his devoted certainty. It was over. He left. She could tell he was very hurt and she hated that, but he didn’t seem angry and for that, she was so grateful that it almost sparked her feelings again…but not quite enough to change her choice in the matter. She had to be fair to him. He deserved at least that and her conscience refused to accept less for him.
Fast forward five or six years.
Back in their hometown for a few years now, she was a single mother, scared and still lost. One night she runs into him at a bar. They start talking and reconnecting. Inside she is scared and far more damaged than she was years before. In her loneliness and fear, he represents something good and safe to her. She decides to go home with him. After all, it’s John Boy. The safest place she’d known at this point. He’d never gotten angry at her for who she was. On the contrary, he had always seemed to understand her when no one else could. Ahhhhhh…safety and sincerity.
When they woke up the next morning, she felt happy to be next to him. No it wasn’t the answer to everything of course, but it was a safe and familiar place at last and she had always adored him anyway.
As he was driving her home, he said, “I don’t want you. I just wanted to pay you back for breaking my heart all those years ago…. How does it feel?” Her heart ripped as he laughed.
Well done John Boy…very cruel effective.
Confession…
06 May 2010 2 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, Cheating, dating, Dave, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, random kindness, signs Tags: broken dreams, Broken hearts, compromised, DAVE K., destruction, dreams, dysfunction, faith, falling in love, mistakes, promises, truth, unconditional love, unfaithful, WTF
I was unfaithful. I cheated myself, my children, my heart, my faith, my hope, my spirit, my character. Not only that, but I cheated Dave and worse yet, I cheated all of these things from him as well. I cheated every one of everything that was right and good in our lives.
As with anything and everything, there is certainly more to the story and sometimes in fleeting moments of denial, I can comfort myself with those factual, but sad and pathetic extenuating circumstances, but for the most part, I cannot.
Is it wrong to have thoughts at times which say, “Surely there was something he did wrong before the infidelity…” I would actually attempt to distort something (anything) he once did or maybe once said even just one single time that was slightly unkind or perhaps alluded to some kind of future abuse or psychosis….
Nothing.
And many have said to me there must have been something? There had to have been. You couldn’t have been truly happy or it wouldn’t (couldn’t!) have happened.
Nope. Clear as a miserable bell, I know I was very happy. I knew it then (can’t blame this on hindsight either). I know it now.
Too happy? So happy it didn’t seem possible to realistically maintain? Yeah…frighteningly happy? Like when you go to a horror movie and the happy music is playing and there’s sunshine, laughter, security abounding and you wait on the edge of your seat, heart beating, pulse racing, and your logic silently screaming, “It’s coming!” You know any second something horribly tragic is going to explode on the screen. It must. You don’t want it to come but something in you knows you really do want it because that’s what you’ve ultimately come to the cinema to see, right? After all, you’ve specifically asked for this tragedy with the price of your ticket.
That kind of happiness. Scary happy. Waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-happy.
Only it never did. And it surely had to… Right?
So, it seems I forced it to drop. Was the anticipation too much? Did the happy part go on and on so long that my heart couldn’t take the wait anymore? Was logic screaming so loudly at me that I couldn’t relax in that kind of happy? Had life taught me too well already that this was only possible in fairy tales? My life certainly had never been anything near fairy tale quality. I was no long-lost beloved princess finally saved from all the evils of the world by my fair prince who had been looking for me all his life. There was no way this existed on any plane of reality possible for me…
There were no signs of impending doom. There was no cruel undertone in something he even once casually said in a quiet or controlling voice. There were no sarcastic words; no subtle insults to my character, my appearance, or my intelligence, phrased as a “joke” so as to make it acceptable to keep me in my place or put me down sub-consciously. …except in my logic. In my brain and my experiential wisdom there was always this little nudge. Nudge, nudge – another day full of kindness has passed… another day of sincerely spoken compliments, loving gestures, and sweet-nothings has passed… the music of my logic is getting scarier and scarier… Da-da-da-dum, da-da-da-dum…playing faster and faster. The bad guy is coming. The moment of tragedy is hanging in limbo directly over your head. It’s just hanging there waiting around till you feel so safe and comfortable that it’s definitely not coming…for full, tragic effect, you know…
I might even be able to convince myself that this is only the hind-sight story of a romantic hopeful, the rose-colored version of falling in love where nostalgia and regret fade the facts and amplify the colors of happiness to such a vibrant shade that the bad stuff disappears into oblivion. Except, I was so overly aware of this unrealistic happiness that I spoke regularly of it to my dad, whom I knew would understand that this wasn’t logically possible. Whom I expected to point out the tiny ugly realities I HAD to be missing throughout this experience. And even he couldn’t. My wise and all-too logical father could only continually remind and reassure me that I deserved this happiness and offer advice to me to accept it or else by looking so hard for the ugly, I would eventually make something ugly happen.
What? Make it happen?? That’s not possible! I’m gloriously happy. No person desperate for happiness, like me, would ever create the very unhappiness they fear and dread from a gift so pure and beautiful it must be directly from God. That’s just some psychological mumbo-jumbo! No one in their right mind, finally experiencing happy without a single sign of impending doom on the horizon would sabotage such beauty, such intoxicating joy of life, such a sense of security and love. NO….don‘t be silly!
Hindsight does, though, strongly indicate to me that there was another sneaky element going on through this. One I could never have anticipated or braced myself to handle. The sneakiest of subtle sabotage tactics, so very tricky that it just hung out in the corner recesses of my mind, innocently playing all alone and not mingling ever with the other thoughts and fears which were obvious enough for me to ask advice from those wiser than I. Quietly gaining power and strength…
I am not worthy…
This sneaky element of sub-conscious sabotage actually came out in the light only once.
Right around maybe the sixth month marker, we had gone for a few drinks away from the crowd of friends, romantically alone, and were laughing and enjoying ourselves. Having a nice traditional date in out-of-the-way places where we could adore each other uninterrupted by the “Ahh you two lovebirds make the rest of us sick!” And I was loving every minute of this until it dawned upon me. Maybe this was even the first moment I ever had seen my happiness so very clearly and felt it to the core of my being, minus the what-if’s and can’t-be’s. And I said to him, “What is this? I’ve never known anything like this. It can’t be real, can it? And if it is, there’s no way I deserve this much. Here is why….” And I commenced to tell him why I didn’t deserve this…deserve him, deserve genuine love…
And then he said one of the most beautiful things I’ve heard anyone say in my life that wasn’t written in a song, a book, or a movie…
…He said, “Every single horrible thing that has happened to you or me, every single bad choice or mistake we might have made in our pasts, every single thing right wrong, good or bad, has brought us right here right now. And we have to just be grateful for it ALL and know that this was why it ALL happened exactly as it did. If not for that exactly, whatever it may have been, we would not be here with each other right now in this exact moment, having this.”
I choked up. A huge lump in my throat developed, my eyes stung and threatened to cry as every horror-movie moment of my past flashed across my mind and I saw every path of it leading me, sometimes even forcing me to this moment with him. He was so wise and so right. He could see more broadly than I. My devotion, my respect, my gratitude, my understanding quadrupled in that moment, with those stunning words of amazingly insightful wisdom. And suddenly everything made sense. Everything. Every pain and every struggle from my earliest memory I could instantly and directly connect to the events (forced or otherwise) which led me to RIGHT HERE, directly to HIM. A million individually ugly tiny puzzle pieces of time dropped at once, snapped into place, and created a gorgeous sunrise shimmering with love and happiness. And I could think of each one and actually FEEL each and every one of them as reasons to be grateful for it all.
I loved his simplicity…adored it even, amidst my confounding and irritating contradictions. And it was in this moment that I realized his “simplicity” wasn’t so simple after all. I saw him in an entirely new light of love and blessings. And it was also then that I began to fully realize that this might indeed be real…that perhaps the other shoe was not ever going to kick me in the face after all. A most beautiful moment… Or the beginning of the end?
Less than a year later and ironically while singing his praises, my blessings, and this very theory of deserved, “everything happens for a reason” happiness, I cheated.
Yes………. I cheated.
Back to the closet…missing the kissing…
25 Apr 2010 4 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, dating, fears, Friendship, just a little strange..., Life, LOVE, Vacations Tags: Broken hearts, confusion, dating, dogs, funny, journeys, kissing, Life, men, moving on, mysterious unknown, school crushes, wishful thinking, WTF
…and on with the spring cleaning!
Nude linen peek-a-boo flats:
Purchased online last summer in a frenzy of a spontaneous (yes, truly spontaneous in every sense of the word!) trip to Albany, NY.
Came across a man who went to my same school years ago. he was a guy I’d had an adolescent crush on for several years in middle school and beyond. One of those crushes so secret that you don’t admit it to anyone, not even really yourself;. It’s always there, it just sorta hangs out in the quiet admiration corner. In fact, now that I think about it….maybe it was actually more of an admiration thing than a crush thing altogether anyway….
So… crossed paths on Facebook. He denied my friend request at first, apparently because he didn’t remember or recognize me. No real surprise there. After all, I was the little girl with the crush. He was older and more social than I. And FB friends we became….
A running inside joke regarding DK on my page between my friends and I sparked his curiosity, which sparked some one on one emails and extended conversations getting to know each other a little better and such. I was honest about my struggle to get past the DK thing as well as the fact that I was still sexually active with him and rarely anyone else, but mostly my desperation to move on from that situation/relationship/whatever it’s called. At some point he makes the suggestion of just finding another, better lover and I’d get past it all just fine, with a hint of his availability to provide this phenomena. Flirty, suggestive emails commence…and I’m enjoying this diversion from my broken heart. In hind sight, it was probably initially intended merely as a joke or a tease or something, but I, in my true form of desperation and love of this newly blossoming friendship with a school-age crush, took this as a serious possibility and booked a flight to Albany. Did I mention my desperation to get past the whole DK thing? I did? Okay.
Flight booked. It’s summer and I have lost my favorite pair of shoes. I do this often..it might even be my MO. I perpetually struggle to keep shoes and coats. That’s just my thing, I guess… And I need these to wear in Albany. Online shopping I go in search of another similar pair to bring on this emergency voyage of desperation.
Off white (beige?) linen peek-a-boo flats….would go with just about every summer thing I own…shorts, sundresses, capris, etc… Perfect! Purchased. Then packed and off I go to Albany!
This turns into the strangest visit ever! I still have this admiration thing from the 7th grade going on. He is still very handsome, by my specific terms of what is attractive. He is funny, he is very intelligent and he has an amazing dog…WOW! I fall madly in love with the dog, by the way…no really..I mean madly. And I do like him as well. he is a fabulous cook, a brilliant host and I have a great time. The personal (physical?) connection is not understood though. Was there one? I really don’t even know, but my guess today is not much, if any. I wasn’t too concerned about this really, as the whole defining purpose behind the visit was shrouded in the mist of my love and adoration of DK. Anyway, I was having a great time and I was far, FAR removed from the risk of connecting with DK while in Albany, so what did it matter either way?
He never once kissed me in any passionate way throughout my entire visit. I felt like this meant we were connecting probably more as friends and didn’t really think too much of it. Friends was just fine with me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I’m sure. Until….. we did connect sexually once….. I was truly taken aback…..HEY, I thought we were just connecting as friends?! I assumed there was no big sexual attraction going on. What’s this now?!??
… and something was missing. Sort of felt like a piece of loud, almost beautiful music minus a critical instrument. So close to hmmmm….maaayyyybeeeee??? …yet missing something big and undefinable, like maybe it needed more cow bell or something. Really still haven’t quite figured it out…
Ummm….wait! No, I know!!!! It was missing the kissing!!! He never kissed me, not even *then*!! Maybe this is common for prostitutes or even perhaps not so strange for a spontaneous voyage of desperately running from DK. However, I have not once in my life experienced this let’s-just-do-it-and-still-not-kiss-thing. I am confused. After a few days, I finally ask him outright if he ever intends to kiss me. I am far less concerned with the actual kiss at this point than the fact that I’ve never experienced this “issue” before. Do I have a bad case of halitosis? Do I seem lacking in the oral hygiene department? I mean What?!!? (None of this do I say to him or ask, of course, but I’m wondering all of this after we passed the “just a visit between friends” thing.)
He says yes, at some point he will kiss me. Okay. Just curious. Having fun either way….no big deal….cool….
So, I have a truly fantastic little mini vacation with an interesting, attractive, and intelligent crush from way back when, develop a mad crush and obsession with his fabulous dog…and on the way to the airport to go home, we stop for sushi. Delicious sushi, by the way! I mean…yummmmmy! After we eat and are waiting for the check, he gets up to go to the men’s room. As he walks past me at the table, he leans down suddenly and quickly gives me a smooch on the cheek. Awwww..that is sweet, I think to myself. He returns from the men’s room and says, “See? I told you I would kiss you!”
Oh my, my, my… Seriously, what was that?
Thank you. Had a blast. Good bye Albany! Into the box you go little shoes…
I just shot cupid (with JLH)!
16 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, moving, respect Tags: broken, broken dreams, Broken hearts, Dave, DAVE K., dysfunction, hateful people, heartbreak, morals, moving, Questions, unanswered questions, unconditional love
Reading JLH’s book, The Day I Shot Cupid, which is an interesting and fairly entertaining book, I came upon this passage:
…because at the end of the day it must be sad to love yourself so little that you’d be willing to become the joke, the cocktail hour topic, or worst of all, the reason someone else will find it difficult to love and trust again.
As I was reading the preamble to the point she was making here, I was on a totally different page as to where she was going with this. I was riding on a whole other train on that ride. When I read along and get to the above quoted statement and I stop my train dead in its tracks. According to DK (yes, in his twisted logic and mouth that can’t stop spewing lies and fantasies of comfortable denial long enough to admit to the weather outside), I (ME!) am, in fact, that girl. And yet, how can that be fact when he is, in fact, that same person for me…that guy? And if I stretch beyond myself and presume that in our own little worlds and our own little lives that we are both correct on this matter….what the hell? I mean, what IS that?
I’m floundering about lately, trying to figure so much…so much love, so much pain, so much twisted truths and blatant lies, so much WTF’s, so much slander, so much hatefully random mean-ness, so much utter selfishness, so much damage, just…well, so much, so much! After the last two absolute denials and random mean text spewing in response to my attempt to find peace, closure, and an amicable place to end this nightmare from hell, I finally just snapped. The first denial of reality(at least the first in awhile, that is), I felt socked in the gut, taken aback, literally a deer in headlights, but then the very next one was just so much more of random senseless garbage that I snapped and lashed out (and lashed out pretty “randomly” if I may say so myself!)…..I atually had a thought where I felt justifiable in thinking that this man has become so inherently cruel and evil-ly twisted that he deserves to die a long, slow, painful death. I have never, EVER, thought such a horrible thing regarding anyone in all my life! The thought itself shook me to my core. I felt overwhelmingly guilty. I searched myself for the saturation of love and gratitude that I typically can find for most any human being on the planet, except perhaps the most heinous of the infamous serial killers… Nope….not there anymore. I believe every last ounce of optimism, blind faith, and agape that once ruled the lush kingdom of my heart and soul, has been stomped and shredded to a microscopic dust of frustration , hurt, and resentment. Beyond what I’ve ever thought was possible. No, you can’t love hate away for some people. No, you cannot be so accepting and caring that a horribly damaged person will heal and become beautiful again. No, you an’t be so unassuming and selfless and take every stab of hurt and bullshit a mean person dishes out and think that this person is one bit more capable of seeing the beauty in the world and in humanity, much less in me.
At this point, the part that is most senseless is thatg I want nothing from him. I don’t ask for him back. I don’t chase him. I don’t try to gain back his love. My desire in this had become nothing except the bleek hope that he just might not speak terribly of me or think the worst of me forever or spread more lies and hatefully untrue insults to my character. I guess that in itself is a bit selfish, as it does still mean I was hoping for something from him and I’m not going to feel badly about that because in my world, those things are basic considerations which should be every moderately decent human being’s right on this planet, and maybe even all the others as well. So, I will not see that basic expectation as truly selfish, but more as me asking to be treated with basic and minimal consideration as a person…..me, asking for the only absolute right that I believe anyone and everyone is truly entitled to merely by their existence as a human being, with all the parts and pieces that make them human.
Is that too much for him because he hates? Does he hate? Or is he as completely apathetic as he poses most of the time lately? Who knows? I certainly never will. I lean toward believing the apathetic part, but then what of the nasty accusation explosion off all that OLD stuff when I requested some closure and expressed my desire to leave it in a good place? Requested and desired at this point, merely so as to (hopefully) not feel as though either of us have wasted the last 7 years on truly and completely ridiculous nonsense.
Who cares? Just more mean-ness and hurt added on top of an already existing avalanche of the unthinkable and often unspeakable crimes against my heart and assaults to my spirit… What damned difference should it make anyway? It will soon be over…like it or not….over…over…OVER…
And at least now, I can safely know there is an end to the pain being inflicted, even if not the damage done. This is the glorious positive in this whole last hoop-la of his bitter, hateful, ugly past 5-6 years! Yay!
Billowing pillows of electrical currents
07 May 2009 2 Comments
in Dave, Life, LOVE Tags: Broken hearts, connection, Dave, DAVE K., desire, intimacy, LOVE, ponderings, Questions, unconditional love
Oh my… I went to him today. After everything – I went to him! I even thought it through first, long and hard and at some point I just realized that once the idea came to me, the gravitational pull toward him was uncontrollable. Come hell or high water, mountains, or oceans, I was going to him. And I did.
I’m now consumed with why…and of course, what! Why did I go? I went because I woke up with an undeniable need for him; a desperate need like oxygen or water. I went because I’m addicted to the drama? I went because I felt strong and in control, as though it’s okay if I go to him, as long as he does not come to me. That seems to be when the trouble begins.
What….ohh what is fantastic always, even better because I did feel strong, was strong, demonstrated strength (I think!?). Brief moment of discomfort in the very beginning, but as soon as we start playing, the discomfort of the past three years just disintegrates like sand washing away from the shoreline…..whoosh….gone…okay…smile…HUGE smile… Sighs and caresses just to play with him again. Like the favorite friend from the neighborhood who moves away and then comes back for a visit…just sighhhhhh…..in absolute contentment that all in the world is just the best it can be at that very moment!
He wants me….he vehemently says this over and over to me. And I know. It might be nice if I could feel even a little power from that, but I don’t. I want him every bit as much…maybe more? No, it works so perfectly because that part is so even between us. The overwhelming desire to experience every fraction of an inch of one another as if for the first time…and still feel like forever wouldn’t be long enough to explore. Once we agreed that forever wouldn’t be long enough. Now there are no agreements…there is just passionate, overwhelming desire for the rawest intimacy… intimacy as though our flesh will physically fuse together, never to be painfully parted again. Like the puzzle of my body, my life, my heart, my spirit have all found their missing pieces at once and the exhilaration of snapping them all together at the same time; feeling the utter delight and…. Sighhhhhhh….
He is so sensitive and soft with me in all the ways I forget are possible…in all the ways I forget I even like sensitive softness…. Currents of electricity running through pillows of softness, the gentleness of your hand slowly waving through water, but filled with excitement, anticipation and deeply complete satisfaction.
How will I ever not go to him for any length of time? When will we be satiated to exhaustion with each other? When will every thrilling aspect that just continues to grow whether we nurture it or not, finally cease completely? I never could have imagined experiencing anything quite this oddly overwhelming and right, that is really not so right…(?) And now that I have, I can’t imagine the thought of living any length of time without it? Once a connection so deeply physical and spiritual has thrust itself into your heart and life, how does anyone fully accept that it is not and say goodbye to it forever? When it in fact is…always is…whether we acknowledge it or not…it is.
He asked about our moving…are we moving…what’s going on with that… Asked about my job and the kids… I told him that seeing JW yesterday made me think of him (as though I needed that to think of him!)and that suddenly I wanted him, immediately, undeniably, and vehemently wanted him…
Four hours later, I kissed him good bye and left, happy and smiling that what is still there…. I always think that in time away, it will subside or maybe someday even go away from the ugly of all that negative garbage it’s been saturated in, like that forced denial will dissolve it all into never-never land. It does not. It only strengthens the need and the satisfaction. Nothing dissolves except the softness of my skin into him, bonding us closer….too close…when closer is not even a viable possibility…closer and closer we go…. When continuing is not possible, on and on we go….
Such a strange thing!
searches
23 Feb 2009 2 Comments
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, Life, life transformations, LOVE Tags: abuse, afraid, boundaries, Broken hearts, Dave, DAVE K., goodbye, LOVE, sadness, unconditional love
I wish I could remember where I read that when separating from someone, the fear comes not from thinking they might stop loving you, but from the fear that you’ll lose your love for them. At the time, I thought that was pretty silly. Of course you’re afraid to lose their love, you know your own love – you can trust in that. However, it’s recently occurred to me that there’s some truth in this. Losing the love you feel, letting it fade to black, watching it slowly go from vibrantly green and breathing with a life of its own to invisible is difficult. And quite possibly more difficult than losing love from another source outside yourself. This love is an actual part of you. It has molded and shaped things for however long it’s been inside your heart. It has brought peace and chaos, clouded some thoughts and made others sharper, has warmed you and frustrated you, protected and hurt you… It’s been a vitally alive part of your being for however long it has thrived inside you and losing that is difficult and frightening… watching it fade off like the end to a movie or the most important chapter in your life to date. And what will fill that space? Isn’t that a frightening question to ponder? Something better? Something worse? What will sprout up in that cleared spot where once there was this love, beautiful and comforting in its own right…however destructive or fulfilling it may have been respectively, it all goes in the wake of the demolition. And then the tiny fragments and microscopic debris that is left… What comes of that? Those stay forever in fond memories of the good things your memory will not release but your heart did? I don’t know. I have never experienced this before and I’m afraid of it. What if the particles don’t clear? What if they do? Then, have I lost that person who loved the other right then in that precise space and time? What if I loved her as much as him? What if I do not want to lose that piece of me who loved so beautifully and unconditionally? What if I do hope to lose her, never to find her exactly the same again? And that is the frighteningly inevitable. Letting go of something beautiful inside yourself to move on to something unknown as yet.
30.5
02 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, children, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE Tags: Broken hearts, cruel, Dave, drunk, I Ching, lies, LOVE, pride, ridiculous expectations
I shouldn’t have been so hateful in my messages. Yet, there was nothing truly hateful in them from the aspect he gave the situation. The messages responded appropriately to his hardened words and actions. If he feels nothing, then there’s no such thing as a hateful or hurtful response.
IC response: 30.5. -> 13: Tears and lamenting. I guess the messages did hurt him, in spite of the cold and nonchalant exterior he demonstrated prior. I am sorry… Or am I? No, I definitely am.
Interesting interp of the fan yao: 13.5:
13.5: ” Men bound in friendship first weep and lament,
But afterward they laugh.
After great struggles they succeed in meeting.
Two people are outwardly separated but in their hearts the are united. They are kept apart by their positions in life. Many difficulties and obstructions arise between them and cause them grief. But, remaining true to each other, they allow nothing to separate them, and although it costs them a severe struggle to overcome the obstacles, they will succeed. When they come together their sadness will change to joy.”
-Wilhelm
Reminds me of his last drunken visit on January 9. Him: Do you not understand how much I love you? Me: Please be quiet. You love only your friends, not me. Him: My friends don’t matter. Me: You are drunk… I can’t believe anything you say, remember? Please just tell me a story about a little boy who lost his kite.
Him: No, I’ve a better story. Once there was a girl and a boy who loved each other deeply. They were very happy together for a time, but then lots of people and things came in between them, but their love was so deep, nothing could stop it. (Insert drunken mumbling here.)
Me: What? What happened next? Him: (More drunken mumbling…blah, blah, blah, kitty?) Me: What happened? They got a KITTY??? (I pounce on him here in excitement.) Him: No, they didn’t get a kitty. Never mind. Me: NO…what happened then? They didn’t get a kitty? Him: No, they didn’t. I said they had a child together.
Me: Ahhhhh….they have a kid. Was it a little boy with dark hair, great big green eyes and a beautiful smile? Him: I think it was… Me: And they named him David? Him: No, they don’t name him David. I don’t like juniors. I’d never name my son Dave. Me: Awww, I think they should’ve named him David. I love the name David! That’s a shame…and they really should have gotten a kitty!
More promises and proclamations of love, etc., etc., etc throughout the night… Several days later: I feel nothing for you. We only have a strong sexual attraction. Nothing else. I don’t know why I say those things. Probably because I’m drunk. Okay….whatever… jack ass. Cruel.
kiss you again
11 Jan 2009 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, children, Dave, Friendship, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE, respect Tags: broken, Broken hearts, DAVE K., effort, kissing, relationships
Okay, so you annoy me a bit on several levels, but I’ve always liked you too. We laugh that in all these years you’ve never hit on me before now. I always wondered why and now I wonder why now? Now that I’m softer, more fragile and less confident, does that make it easier? I was always that; I just tried not to show it and now it oozes from me like blood from a gushing wound. You actually seem genuine and I wonder if that came with age or if I’m just still hoping for the best in people and refuse to see what is. I did not like kissing you last week…at all. I decided I never wanted to kiss you again, but last night I did and it wasn’t so bad. Ironically born on the same day as Dave, seven years earlier… I can’t wrap my head around that coincidence. Perhaps it is an astrological compatibility or astrological attraction issue?
I hope I don’t hurt you. You seem to have been hurt enough and I may not be the right girl for you now. Although years back I’m sure you could have broken my heart. Maybe you didn’t hit on me then to save me from that heart break and allow Dave to bring it to me instead? You do not seem the knight on the white horse type, but I can’t be sure and I think I just might kiss you again… I think you are the future of what Dave will be when he gives up the bitterness and lets his walls become more flexible. You are alone and single, but you are a devoted dad and I appreciate that. You’ve taken the long path to get to a better place. You seem to have some actual sincerity and don’t appear a compulsive liar. At least your painful journeys saved you from developing the Dave K. syndrome! Maybe they weren’t that bad after all or maybe you’re just a better person?
Sorry I was so hasty in my broken hearted judgment. I will kiss you again. I promise.
Blessings, broken dreams and loooonnng goodbye’s
13 Dec 2008 2 Comments
in broken heart, children, daughters, Dave, faith, fears, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, respect, signs Tags: Broken hearts, children, Dave, dreams, life transformations, LOVE, unconditional love, wisdom, wishes
Bittersweet goodbyes….. memories flooding…thoughts controlling
I am hungry for the future and yet I also feel so conflicted about time passing. As though, I wish to sit in this place forever? Why? The further I get from the realityof my happiness dream, the more distant it becomes and difficult to hold on to. Like travelling in a time machine and trying to hold hands with the present.
I am not ready for my little girl to grow up so quickly. I am not ready to give up onwhat must be sacrificed in order to gain peace and closure. No, I am simultaneously more than ready (eager, almost!) and not at all (clinging to those hazy but beautiful dreamy clouds). All at the same time.
Wanting to know the future and afraid of letting go of the past all at once. What a ridiculous contradiction!! As though somehow knowing the future will allow me to release my grip on the past? Is that what my subconscious thinks? I know better than that for crying out loud!
I wonder if I’m more afraid of letting go than I’m afraid of him letting go? What if I’m the glue that’s holding us to destiny? What if I’m the thorn in our side holding us back? What if my little girl grows up and doesn’t adore me so much any more?
What about missing the present and damaging the future because you refuse to release the past? When you spend so much time and energy desperately gripping those memories, aren’t you losing the opportunity to be making more? Meanwhile, you’re gaining memories of holding onto memories while the present slips by…
My daughter crying because she missed him so much….that was so long ago. Now she’s borderline hostile about him because she’s watched me suffer. She’s watched me yo-yo, riding to the depths of hope and crashing harshly down just as quickly. Did I lose her along the way?
Yesterday was her 2nd dance. She danced with a boy four times and he held her hand for a moment! Her life is rapidly propelling into the future. I think she is well adjusted and healthy, considering the selfish misery of her mother over the past years. She has the strength of confidence I never had. She has the power of forever right in her vision, right now. She doesn’t allow herself to dwell anywhere but in happiness and excitement. I love that about her. I hope and pray, in spite of everything, I’ve helped create and encourage that in her.
I’ve never been good at goodbyes. I’ve avoided them like the plague since I was a small child with even just a minimal grasp of the sense of loss and grief. As an adult, I’m obviously no better at it.
I didn’t even grieve my beloved cat until he was next to me. It was as though I could not. I don’t know how to grieve my little girl growing up now on my own either.
So my youngest says as we dropped off her sister, “I think I know how you feel Momma.” You do? How’s that baby? “Your little girl is growing up and it’s hard for you to watch.”
Gosh, the wisdom and vast compassion of children! I’m so incredibly blessed. How on earth did I get so lucky?!!???
Yes, sacrificing the dream of yesterday is worth enjoying the memories of today while drenched in the blessing of their love and health.
I’m the most blessed person in the universe! Thank you.
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