Elephant in my living room!
15 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in addiction, addiction behaviors, choices, fears, Mark D., moving, PTSD Tags: abusive relationships, boundaries, confusion, dysfunction, fears, fucked up, insanity, Life Lessons, Loyalty, memories, Questions, transformations, unconditional love
I can’t talk to M about much of anything anymore and it scares me. We are moving so soon and so much rides on him for that….
I keep trying in a delicate, but honest, way to point out my concerns, but just like 13 years ago, everything is an “attack”. Every word of concern gets met with, “I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!! I AM NOT A BAD PERSON!! I AM NOT A BAD PERSON” screamed repeatedly over my trying-to-stay calm voice and words, until I have no choice but to hang up the phone. Obviously, this doesn’t result in anything productive and does the very opposite of reassuring my fears.
This experience throws me clear into full force PTSD as I’m hurled instantly to 13 years ago…trapped, scared, nervous, with a 3 month old child to care for. My knees shake, my head spins and the frustration at not being heard, not being counted, not being considered, not being able to even TALK is overwhelming and terrifying to my core. What am I doing?
Mark, he who I’ve watched struggle and kick for years, fighting his way past and beyond all that once haunted and controlled him, is yet again unreachable, irreproachable, impossible to reason with. And I am left feeling two options: return to that horribly handicapping environment which threatened my sanity or continue raising my children far away from their loving father.
Even the choices alone don’t feel like choices. They feel like steel walls closing in on me fast, boxing me in tight, with the “rules” written in graffiti all over them in bold black paint. Rules from my childhood; rules from my relationship with Mark 13 years ago.
The rules:
- No matter what M does or says, it’s always absolutely fine.
- No one is to question, doubt, or worry about M’s behaviors or choices. They are all as close to perfect as could possibly be.
- No one is to point out (kindly or otherwise) any fears or, God forbid, discrepancies in Mark’s choices.
- If you see an elephant in the living room, no one is to speak of it, question its presence, or for God’s sake call it an elephant. Nothing is what it appears and only M knows what it really is, so he cannot be questioned or expected to communicate with the rest of us.
- It’s M’s world…only his reality counts…the rest of us are just graced with the opportunity to live in it…so SHUT UP.
- If you speak or imply any of the above, it is a direct “attack on M” and he will kick and scream accordingly, deftly playing the offense is the best defense game to the point that you’re wasting every word you can actually get into the conversation, trying (in utter futility) to insist that you’ve not attacked or insulted M.
- Every word you say that is not an ass-kissing “M, you’re the GREATEST!” is, in fact, going to be considered an attack.
- Your actual words will not ever matter. They are ALL an attack on Mark, unless they are a direct and undisguised compliment of his person and character.
- M will hear what M hears and it’s not up for discussion… What M hears IS what you said, no matter how far off it may seem (to you) from what you’ve actually said.
- Questions, doubts, fears (authentic or otherwise) will NOT be tolerated or spoken of EVER.
- Unless you are complimenting M on how wonderful he is, you must SHUT UP AT ALL TIMES.
I am afraid. I am rendered paralyzed to act and terrified to speak of my concerns…while the walls close in tighter on me.
“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
dreams or premonitions?
28 Oct 2009 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE, signs, Uncategorized Tags: boundaries, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., dreams
After being away from my blog for some time, today I read back a little and saw my post where I dreamt about what’s currently happening with Dave. I had visions and things, but rather told myself they were natural because it would be my fears coming true….yet, now in hindsight, I think, “Wow…I really did see it coming before I knew!!”
So, that makes the last dream I had even more unsettling and of course I wonder, just fears or premonition? I was with him in the dream, of course – as always (arghhh!), but something wasn’t right. It was a sexual dream, which I (sadly) rarely have (~:P~), so it definitely made a lasting impression. I could not blog immediately, so many of the little details have escaped my memory, but I do know that I was with him and I actually think I was upset because he was cheating on the new one with me! Which is not at all like him and I can’t imagine would really happen, but is it me hoping (gosh, I hope not!!) or wishing for that? Is it me refusing to accept that any female could be as important to him as I once was and so I dream about the most intimate betrayal I know he’d never do to the woman he truly loved?
What made the dream very sad though was that in the dream, although we were being physically intimate, I sensed that he was not interested in me like that or any other way. I was very sad, as this is still the one thng I’ve not yet ever experienced with him, but he has never been involved with another woman in any serious, committed capacity since we (technically) split almost four years ago. It felt wonderful to be with him in the dream, but I was sad, sad, SAD….
There were so many tiny nuances/messages within the dream and I so wish I could remember those better, so I might better decipher the message or warning it may have been trying to send me. It was a rather emotionally complicated dream, that much I remember. And I tell myself I only had the dream because I miss him damnit and I put him there subconsciously for no other reason than I miss him so very much. I actually said that out loud twice today, “I miss you”. So, that’s probably the only reason for the dream.
I don’t want to be the kind of person who would accept or allow infidelity, even if it is with the man who feels like he will always and has always belonged with me. He is not with me and I don’t want to wish that kind of pain on any other person.
Yet, good Lord in heaven, I miss him…even if I can’t admit that to anyone but myself and my blog….I do miss him and nothing about being apart from him today feels one iota more right than being apart from him the day we split did… It feels as if fate has been negatively altered and like nothing will ever fall in its proper place again. Now it’s chaotic “order” because the ground level is messed up..nothing is as it was intended…
I’m trying to tell myself that regardless of it feeling that way, really, everything is probably as it’s intended, because this is what it is, but nothing in my soul or spirit can accept that, even now, after everything…
I’m grateful I got to spend some time with him in my dream, even if it wasn’t as I would want it to be….but I still very much wish he would leave my mind and spirit forever and stop haunting me like he does…like he always has from the moment we met. Or I wish he would just come back to us. We all miss him so terribly…and love and value him so very much….
Discombobulated
13 Jun 2009 4 Comments
in broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE Tags: boundaries, choices, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., insanity, stubborn, stupid
Out of sorts of course because I went there yesterday morning. Had a safety plan in place, but of course that didn’t work. And wondering why I go anywhere of my own volition where I feel the need to have a “safety plan”. My masochistic side must run deep and rampant after everything.
Nope. Didn’t work. Of course it didn’t! Who do I think I’m foolin’, kiddin’, and messin’ with here? As though any feeble attempt at controlling the situation in any way would be successful… I am the definition of insanity at work every day and attempting to function. My tiny, respectful demand was ignored…and I allowed that because I don’t have enough backbone anymore to even look out for my own self interest in even tiny, feeble, pathetic ways…
Yukkk… I am discombobulated and disgusted.
Actually flirted (!!) with someone Thursday night and the immediate response is to run to him first ting Friday morning, as though I’ve got something to make up for. It’s a weird game I’m playing with pretty much myself and it makes no sense!
Hex 2: “Receptivity to Love”
27 May 2009 Leave a Comment
in Dave, faith, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE Tags: addiction, alone, boundaries, Dave, DAVE K., faith, fears, hope, hopeless, I Ching, insanity, LOVE, Loyalty, masochism, Questions, reflections, the enduring, unconditional love
Question to I Ching:
What do I need to do regarding my situation with DK?
Answer:
Hexagram 2:” Receptivity to Love:
Your love life is on fertile ground right now. This hexagram denotes “devotion,” “readiness,” and the creative spirit of the Earth. A powerful relationship has begun or is soon to manifest. This hexagram reminds one to be open to the idea of love, as love can come from where you least expect it. Give and you will receive. Offer a kind word to someone, a hug, a greeting or an offer of assistance. See love for what it is: A conscious act of devotion and a willingness to stand by a special person. Creativity and the act of creation are referenced here, and creative energies will play an extremely significant role.”
Thinking if I stay any more “receptive” to him, I’ll begin to take on the characteristics of his garbage “receptacle”!! Or maybe it’s too late….and I already bear those characteristics… I already define giving till it hurts and have no further interest in the martyrdom lifestyle that brings me. Nor does there seem to be a whole lot of Return on Investment. And martyrs are rarely respected until they actually die for their cause to humanity. My cause to humanity in this is to cease getting on humanity’s nerves from being a whiney cry baby:-D
Listen to me as though I get nothing in return! I get everything in huge amounts spread out among tiny small moments!
Facing repercussions today. Little nervous, but way-laying that by reflecting on how I ever got to this place at all and the madness that holds me here! Things will be fine. I know it. It’s all going according to some greater plan, I’m sure:)
Letter to God
23 May 2009 5 Comments
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, just messed up, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE, respect Tags: boundaries, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., death, dysfunction, happiness, hope, hopeless, joy, prayers, unconditional love
I broke the rules. I did. I can’t blame him this time. I’m guilty. I broke the rules I laid in place.
My friend died and I wonder why no matter what happens: death, illness, nightmare, anything that shakes me up at all…..I can’t rest easy until I’ve been with him. I get consumed with thoughts of how short life is and what really matters at the end of it all….and it becomes an uncontrollable need to just have him close to me, as though the only thing in the world that can provide any comfort that there really is meaning or sense to it all is time with him. I would like to rid myself of this. He is the enigma and the solution to my confusion. Does that sense of comfort he brings come from my denial to accept that it isn’t what it was and that his claims that he doesn’t ever want it to be that? I guess denial has to be comforting or we’d all rather look at reality…
I’ve never known a reality before that has so many holes and soo much confusion to it though. Or do I create those in my mind? I just don’t know anymore.
He let me in at 6 am, which was shocking…and he held me so close as I sobbed my heart out…half of those tears from the loss of my friend and half from the pain and confusion of the man holding me as I cried. And I told him all the things I don’t say anymore. The same things he says to me when he comes over drunk. That nothing makes sense until I’m next to him. That when I contemplate life, I sometimes have to think that 4 hours of utter bliss followed by a sense of agony is better than spending those same four hours fighting with myself. Other times when life still seems eternal, I think holding out for myself and what I really want is the best choice.
I just started wondering if I knew I would be gone tomorrow, would “settling” for just those few hours of pure happiness feel as though I compromised myself? Would it matter? I think I’d just be grateful to have the memories of those hours to take with me beyond…. I don’t think that on the last day of my life, I will regret anything but the times I wasted, fighting myself into staying away..hoping that what once was will be again if I can just stay away from that joy and insist on all or nothing.
To live each moment as if it were your last…come what may before and after or to plan and contemplate, maneuver and fight trying to mold life into exactly what I want….still having no reassurance that I’ll get that in the end anyway.
And what does God want? I feel He would want me to uphold my personal morals in the face of desire and seeking pleasure. Then, I think He doesn’t want us to suffer, does He? I have lost my friend and my entire sense of what’s right or wrong anymore.
I wrote a letter to God asking him. Now, I have to just find the faith that He will answer.
Every Little Kiss
15 Apr 2009 1 Comment
in children, Dave, faith, fears, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, respect Tags: boundaries, choices, daughters, DAVE K., dreams, LOVE, self-respect, unconditional love
3 o’clock in the morning and I wake up with Bruce Hornsby’s Every Little Kiss running through my mind! Can’t recall the last time I heard that song!! How on earth did it end up in my head in the wee hours of the morning, waking me up?
Accupuncture yesterday was incredible!! I had the most beautiful vision of my daughters and I walking along a path with big gorgeous green trees on either side. The sun shining between them down on us while we held hands. Shiny ribbons of soft light linked us, light that moved and breathed flexibly. Confidence and happiness surrounding us like a bubble of protection. Mark was there too somehow, only not in the vision specifically… maybe just off to the side a little? It was refreshing and invigorating…comforting. The ribbons that linked us, the light that surrounded us was love. It was the strength of our love keeping us safe. And with all the questions and doubts, wonderings, opportunities and choices, somehow I knew we were taking the right path. This was the right one for us. And I think it was leading us to Mark in Vegas maybe…? Not sure, but that’s what it seemed. No trees like that in Vegas though and I sure do love the trees – great big woody green yummy trees! Wondrous sources of protection in their own right, I suppose…
Having vivid dreams since returning fron Vegas vacation. Waking early in the morning again too:-( Somehow waking at 3 or 4 am in Vegas wasn’t as frustrating. Maybe since I knew it was actually 6 or 7 am here? It was peaceful that time of the morning there. I could sit outside on the patio, watch the stars in quiet reverance and drink in the moonlight, letting it wash over me like a fountain of natural life giving energy. I didn’t expect the moon to be so bright so close to the city!
Dreamt of BZ the night before last. It was a nice dream. I missed her and I told her so, of course. We were catching up on everything. I don’t really miss her like that, but in my dream I did? Wonder why? Or maybe I just didn’t want to hurt her feelings in my dream because I felt like I’m supposed to miss her?
On my way to accupuncture yesterday, I saw DK. He was pacing in front of his house on his cell phone, wearing a red hoodie with the hood up. I stopped to ask if he was okay (gosh!?) and he hung up his phone laughing snidely. As soon as he said he was okay, just waiting for his “buddy to pick him up for the gym”, I was backing out of his driveway, even as he was speaking. I did not want him to mistake my stop for anything but a caring for his well being and safety, nor give him the chance to think it was anything else whatsoever. I would stop like that for anyone I know in my neighborhood who looked as though they might need some help. Knowing he was fine, made me kick myself for stopping, even so briefly. What am I trying to do? I had such wonderfully happy energy yesterday. Was I trying to make sure it drained away into misery? I somehow always feel safe like that; safe to push the limits… as though he can’t affect me even if he does try. Yet, I truly know better. I cannot dance with the devil without the agony of having my spirit manipulated. Nor does he ever need my help really…at least not the kind of “help” I have to offer. So, why did I even bother stopping to see that snide, sly smirk on his face.
I know he got our letters telling him to stay away. All three of us sent them and I have to hope he might honor that. I made a subtle threat in mine to call the police if he shows up again. Not an outright threat, as I know my own limits, but a subtle innuendo that I’m hoping will make him think twice and at least worry a little that I might actually mean it…. Worry enough to stay away, I hope!
Knock
30 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, LOVE, signs Tags: boundaries, Dave, DAVE K., fears, fucked up, insanity, intuition, knocking, lies, manipulation, sociopaths
Was woken at 3:15 this morning to a firm knocking, as though someone knocked exactly three times on my window or door loud enough to wake me. The sound was so clear and crisp that I got out of bed and went to the door. No one was there. So I checked at the windows in my room and my daughters room to see if someone was out there. No one was there.
This happened a month or so ago…exactly the same…and I felt it was a warning that he was coming soon. Sure enough, 2 or 3 days later, he showed up standing over my bed at around 2 AM, wanting to “talk”, telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t live without me. Making up stories about my life to get me to defend myself and declare my undying love for him. It worked in part, but I told him I was dating someone and would not ever have sex with him again. He wanted to sleep on my sofa. He was dropped off by a friend, so I allowed him my sofa. He tried again to have sex with me and I refused. Then he asked if I would just stay on the sofa with him. I knew I shouldn’t, but I felt strong and confident and so I did. We talked awhile and finally slept until I had to get up to get my kids ready for school. He stayed here all day. ..trying to get me to have sex with him. I wouldn’t. Then he started with the stories again…
Why were you at my sentencing? Just to gloat? No Dave! That’s ridiculous! I went to support you. I prayed nothing bad would happen to you and I wanted you to know although I changed my phone number that I supported you and cared. Well, someone heard you say when I was in front of the judge, “Every time I hear his name, I feel sick.” What??? Are you kidding me? That’s absurd and hateful and if your stupid little friend said I said that, then he’s a lying troublemaker! I prayed while you were up there. I prayed that the best outcome for your life would happen. I prayed with all my power. I wished nothing bad for you and I certainly said nothing at all, much less something that horrible. Hmmm…well, someone said they heard you say that. I’m sorry your friend told you that. I said no such thing.
Then I hugged him and told him that I loved him completely and wished nothing at all bad for him. He held on to me as though his life depended on it and started kissing me. This is about 1 in the afternoon, after his drunken night, so I’m assuming he’s relatively sober at this point. I just reassured him how much I loved him and told him I didn’t want to be used for sex anymore that it made me feel dirty and worthless. He softly touched my face, brushed my hair back and told me, I’m not using you. I never use you. I love you.
Of course he was lying. He’s very sick and I believe addicted to me in a horribly damaging way. Perhaps as I am to him? I am fighting this sickness though. I do not want it in my life. I don’t want to love him. I don’t want to care about him. I don’t want to fall for his tricks and manipulations. I want him to go away from me forever. I’ve changed my friends. Moved three times. Changed the places I go. Stopped havng sex with him. Started having sex with him. Lock my doors every night. Drive different ways to get places. Other than moving to another state, I do not know what else to do to get away from him permanently.
After the warning knocks last night, I am afraid again. I have no defenses left. I do not understand the knocking and I’m hoping it’s not what I thought it was (and was!) the last time because I’m just in the tender beginnings of healing. I am not strong enough to take him on again right now. I wish I had answers!
Yesterday I threw the I Ching to try to get insight on what’s happening and received 31. Influence/Attraction. That was scary. Then the knocking this morning….
I honestly am starting to think he might actually be the devil. I still love him, even if he is the devil, but I do not want the devil in my life or in my house anymore. Must triple check the locks each night before bed…as though that will keep him out…
The filthy stain on my heart
01 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, child abuse, Dave, fears, just messed up, Life Lessons, LOVE Tags: boundaries, compulsive liars, cruel, Dave, DAVE K., disappontment, enough, evil, forgivess, memories, mental illness, psychopaths, twisted
You know that I am quite small and my heart is big. The only thing larger might be my conscience and sense of guilt and responsibility. You may be bigger than I but I am much bigger than you on the inside.
You dangle forgiveness in front of my nose so closely that I can smell its invigorating scent; almost tasting its saving grace… But you do not let me hold it except brief moments when you drop it unexpectedly in my lap like a prize from a carnival game. Overwhelming me with its presence and as I slowly realize it is right there, you snatch it away…running off while tossing insults at me about things you don’t even know. Please keep your insults to what is real and fact, although I understand at this point you know very little about me and understand even less. It must be challenging to find valid insults. Your brief glimpses at me do not expose many of my faults, but they are there. I am not hiding them and I am not ashamed. I no longer chase the elusive forgiveness you dangle. I know it is merely a tool you use to torture me, like mother dangling a moment of freedom in my face before locking the door and tossing away the key.
I do not want your forgiveness. I do not need it. I am forgiven. I Am the forgiven. You do not hold the power of forgiveness any more. You never did. That was an illusion I had in the chaos of love and mistakes. I can’t know if I see clearly now, but I do know that my eyes are starting to open and see you for what you are. It’s so ugly it’s painful to see and it rips at my memories, creating questions of their validity. You may be satan’s helper. You may be the devil’s essence itself. I may not ever know, but I know you are ugly through and through and in the presence of beauty you lost yourself and hungrily grasped at the only source of power you might ever have the chance to hold over it.
That is ugly. You are ugly. I leave you to dwell in the misery of your own making. Get drunk and forget yourself. Have sex with hundreds of unsuspecting victims or vixens in their own right. I do not care. Just go away. Every time you come near, your sickness leaves a filthy stain on my heart that takes months to scrub clean. Stay away. Do whatever you have to do. Just do it somewhere else.
searches
23 Feb 2009 2 Comments
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, Life, life transformations, LOVE Tags: abuse, afraid, boundaries, Broken hearts, Dave, DAVE K., goodbye, LOVE, sadness, unconditional love
I wish I could remember where I read that when separating from someone, the fear comes not from thinking they might stop loving you, but from the fear that you’ll lose your love for them. At the time, I thought that was pretty silly. Of course you’re afraid to lose their love, you know your own love – you can trust in that. However, it’s recently occurred to me that there’s some truth in this. Losing the love you feel, letting it fade to black, watching it slowly go from vibrantly green and breathing with a life of its own to invisible is difficult. And quite possibly more difficult than losing love from another source outside yourself. This love is an actual part of you. It has molded and shaped things for however long it’s been inside your heart. It has brought peace and chaos, clouded some thoughts and made others sharper, has warmed you and frustrated you, protected and hurt you… It’s been a vitally alive part of your being for however long it has thrived inside you and losing that is difficult and frightening… watching it fade off like the end to a movie or the most important chapter in your life to date. And what will fill that space? Isn’t that a frightening question to ponder? Something better? Something worse? What will sprout up in that cleared spot where once there was this love, beautiful and comforting in its own right…however destructive or fulfilling it may have been respectively, it all goes in the wake of the demolition. And then the tiny fragments and microscopic debris that is left… What comes of that? Those stay forever in fond memories of the good things your memory will not release but your heart did? I don’t know. I have never experienced this before and I’m afraid of it. What if the particles don’t clear? What if they do? Then, have I lost that person who loved the other right then in that precise space and time? What if I loved her as much as him? What if I do not want to lose that piece of me who loved so beautifully and unconditionally? What if I do hope to lose her, never to find her exactly the same again? And that is the frighteningly inevitable. Letting go of something beautiful inside yourself to move on to something unknown as yet.
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