Humorless dating
20 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in Jared, Life Tags: dating, humor, Life
Moving on in my attempts at dating, I realize that this person I’m dating is challenged in comprehending figurative terms of speech. He is apparently a very literal minded person. You cant laugh and say to this man, “Gosh, isn’t it funny how everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day?” Because he doesn’t get the humor in that. After all, it’s impossible for “everyone” to be Irish. You have to say something more like, “ Gosh, doesn’t pretty much everyone claim to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day?” Well this is difficult way to speak for a creative minded person like myself because I rarely speak in sheerly literal terms. And quite honestly, I don’t know a lot of people who do. My friends and I and my daughters and I get a great deal of humor in our lives from speaking figuratively. I realize that although this isn’t necessarily a character defect in this man, it really doesn’t bode well for my sense of humor. In fact, it downright inhibits it, as well as puts obstacles in general communication as well because you can’t use figurative terms of language and descriptions or you will then spend an hour explaining what you really meant. If it was a casual remark made in humor, then the humor is long gone about 2 minutes after the explanation has begun and the point is missed. If you’re trying to make any kind of point, then the “point” is lost 2 minutes after the explanation has started. Either way, the desired outcome of the intended communication is lost altogether and what results is a frustrating attempt to explain figures of speech. No, I guess there wasn’t a million people at the grocery store today because you’re right, a million people would probably not fit inside the grocery store at all. However, there was enough people there that it seemed like a million people, you know? Oh, you can’t know what I mean when I say that because really you can’t know anything at all when it’s something someone has just told you? Oh, you have to experience everything for yourself in order to know anything? Okay, I understand. Well never mind about the cute little humorous story I was going to tell you about what happened at the grocery store today. It really won’t be funny after all… In fact, let’s drop about 50 % of every cute little humorous story I was going to tell you because you couldn’t possibly “know” anything I’m talking about.
Hey, by the way, no everyone can’t possibly actually be Irish, but I personally find it rather amusing that a large amount of people claim to be on St. Patrick’s Day. However, it’s not at all funny when I have to say it that way, so never mind about that either.
emotion-less
15 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, broken heart, Dave, fears, Jared, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: broken, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., depression, dysfunction, fucked up, hopeless, insanity, insomnia, LOVE, mercy
I think I may have actually realized a lot yesterday. I hope I have. I can’t go down this path much longer and survive it.
I am angry and that anger makes me the crazy person I never wanted to be. My anger is justified though…my craziness is not.
I feel exhaustingly sad. The kind of sadness that sits in your bones and weighs them down to three times their normal weight. That ugly awful sad that permeates everything. Every smell, every sound, every thought is tainted by this kind of depth of sadness. I think it is self indulgent to allow myself to feel this sad and yet I do not feel I can help it. It just is. I just usually don’t like to admit that it is. I prefer to pretend that it isn’t and wait till it really isn’t…but here it is anyway.
Maybe this is the sadness that will grip me, smack me around awhile and shake me back to life? I can only hope but I dare not hope. This is the sadness that comes when all hope is lost.
I do not love him anymore. Well, maybe I do, but if so, it’s not the way I once did. It’s an entirely different beast of sorts if it’s anything at all and I am achingly sad about that.
I’ve disappointed Jared again and I’m frustrated with myself about that. I am frustrated with myself at this sadness and frustrated at my insanity in attempting to escape loving someone. Tracy says, “One day you’ll wake up and realize you’re just not quite as sad as you were the day before and that’s the beginning of the next chapter.” I’ve been counting on that day for so long, my patience has worn out and I do not have the hope of that anymore…and that is where the worst of the sadness hit me.
Maybe I should take medication for this… Anti-depressants help a lot of people. I don’t know why I hate the thought of that so much, as though there’s anything wrong with taking something to help!?
I’ve quit my job. I’ve disappointed Jared. I’ve given up on both hope and myself. And I don’t love him anymore. Today, what I really miss the most is my ability to sleep. I don’t miss the candlelight dinners or the laughter or the sweet little phone calls just because or even the sex. Seems kind of pathetic to have that be the biggest thing “missing” from one’s life. Kinda wonder what that says about my life?
Oh and I also desperately miss the smell of peace and the taste of my sanity. So, there’s that as well. Maybe that means something too?
My entire being has been altered. My life. My existence. My body. My heart. My head. My hair even!! Everything is different now. I can’t really allow myself the luxury of missing anything but sleep and peace. That is when the sadness inside turns to fiercely vicious pain and I can no longer afford to feel that. My ability to cope and manage pain has transcended me to an entirely different level where I can’t allow myself to accept the existence of pain. It has transcended me and weakened me all at once. I might be satisfied if I could trust that I would never feel anything again?
Oooohhhh well that is just horrible. Heck, if I could slap myself I would right now! Would somebody please just slap me?
I do not know what any of this means or what will happen from it, if anything.
A safe place to breathe
10 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in Anger!, Apologies, broken heart, Dave, fears, Jared, just messed up, Life, LOVE, mothers, Uncategorized, Writing Tags: broken, broken heart, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., depression, hope, hopeless, insanity, insomnia, Jared, Life, limbo, LOVE, pain, prayers
Like an alarm clock has been planted in my brain, I wake at 3 am. 3 AM….the witching hour? Such irony!
I wake because I love him. I wake because I don’t love him. I wake because I’m angry at his cruelty or furious at my stupidity.. Or I wake in fear at the slow death I am living… I do not know much of anything any more. Most likely, I never did.
Jared says maybe he is just a distraction from “him”. No! I have feelings, I just can’t get them in order. It all feels very sick and unhealthy and I do not wish to draw others into it as I try to clear it out. I tear myself between running to Jared and running from him. I slept past 3 am for a few weeks and that was exciting, so imagine my frustration to see 3 AM this morning!
I have so much to offer and yet I really have nothing. I know how to work hard and can’t muster the energy or focus to do so. I know how to love and not how to parent. I know how to defend myself and don’t. I can’t be a daughter of the very thing I need to escape while attempting my escape.
I am lost in translation at communicating. Somewhere along the way I’ve lost my rights to humanity and I piss myself off with my weak attempts to reclaim them. Perhaps we are not all granted these at birth? Perhaps some of us are only intended as vehicles for others’ self expression of their rights? What if I am that girl? What if all I’ll ever know again is 3 AM? And confusion? And fighting to defend myself at all the wrong times in all the wrong ways for all the right reasons? What if that is all I’ll ever be as I desperately push to define myself beyond that?
I have the clay in my hands. I feel the power of formation. I am uncomfortable with power. I never wanted it because I can’t trust myself to be worthwhile. I squeeze and squish…. I languish for hours forming my soul and at 3 AM, I carelessly and intentionally destruct all I struggled to create only hours earlier. Smashing the clay back to a blob of formless muck!
I live a slow death and do not wish to draw anyone into that. Yet, I am lonely while lost in translation. And I ache for trust. And I have enough love to feed half of the world. I bleed from the neck as I ever so slowly chop off my own head. I wish for life! I wish for death! I don’t know the difference between that ending and this beginning. I only know how to feel. I was born to feel… I feel you. I feel him. I feel her. I feel them. I feel it all. I feel everything until I can’t feel anything anymore. Feeling is life and feeling will be my death. I don’t want that any more, but if I turn it off, am I not already dead?
Are you not dead once you can no longer feel? Or is that just a different way of living? Is there a safe place to breathe at 3 AM?
Your blabs