“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
Back to the closet…missing the kissing…
25 Apr 2010 4 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, dating, fears, Friendship, just a little strange..., Life, LOVE, Vacations Tags: Broken hearts, confusion, dating, dogs, funny, journeys, kissing, Life, men, moving on, mysterious unknown, school crushes, wishful thinking, WTF
…and on with the spring cleaning!
Nude linen peek-a-boo flats:
Purchased online last summer in a frenzy of a spontaneous (yes, truly spontaneous in every sense of the word!) trip to Albany, NY.
Came across a man who went to my same school years ago. he was a guy I’d had an adolescent crush on for several years in middle school and beyond. One of those crushes so secret that you don’t admit it to anyone, not even really yourself;. It’s always there, it just sorta hangs out in the quiet admiration corner. In fact, now that I think about it….maybe it was actually more of an admiration thing than a crush thing altogether anyway….
So… crossed paths on Facebook. He denied my friend request at first, apparently because he didn’t remember or recognize me. No real surprise there. After all, I was the little girl with the crush. He was older and more social than I. And FB friends we became….
A running inside joke regarding DK on my page between my friends and I sparked his curiosity, which sparked some one on one emails and extended conversations getting to know each other a little better and such. I was honest about my struggle to get past the DK thing as well as the fact that I was still sexually active with him and rarely anyone else, but mostly my desperation to move on from that situation/relationship/whatever it’s called. At some point he makes the suggestion of just finding another, better lover and I’d get past it all just fine, with a hint of his availability to provide this phenomena. Flirty, suggestive emails commence…and I’m enjoying this diversion from my broken heart. In hind sight, it was probably initially intended merely as a joke or a tease or something, but I, in my true form of desperation and love of this newly blossoming friendship with a school-age crush, took this as a serious possibility and booked a flight to Albany. Did I mention my desperation to get past the whole DK thing? I did? Okay.
Flight booked. It’s summer and I have lost my favorite pair of shoes. I do this often..it might even be my MO. I perpetually struggle to keep shoes and coats. That’s just my thing, I guess… And I need these to wear in Albany. Online shopping I go in search of another similar pair to bring on this emergency voyage of desperation.
Off white (beige?) linen peek-a-boo flats….would go with just about every summer thing I own…shorts, sundresses, capris, etc… Perfect! Purchased. Then packed and off I go to Albany!
This turns into the strangest visit ever! I still have this admiration thing from the 7th grade going on. He is still very handsome, by my specific terms of what is attractive. He is funny, he is very intelligent and he has an amazing dog…WOW! I fall madly in love with the dog, by the way…no really..I mean madly. And I do like him as well. he is a fabulous cook, a brilliant host and I have a great time. The personal (physical?) connection is not understood though. Was there one? I really don’t even know, but my guess today is not much, if any. I wasn’t too concerned about this really, as the whole defining purpose behind the visit was shrouded in the mist of my love and adoration of DK. Anyway, I was having a great time and I was far, FAR removed from the risk of connecting with DK while in Albany, so what did it matter either way?
He never once kissed me in any passionate way throughout my entire visit. I felt like this meant we were connecting probably more as friends and didn’t really think too much of it. Friends was just fine with me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, I’m sure. Until….. we did connect sexually once….. I was truly taken aback…..HEY, I thought we were just connecting as friends?! I assumed there was no big sexual attraction going on. What’s this now?!??
… and something was missing. Sort of felt like a piece of loud, almost beautiful music minus a critical instrument. So close to hmmmm….maaayyyybeeeee??? …yet missing something big and undefinable, like maybe it needed more cow bell or something. Really still haven’t quite figured it out…
Ummm….wait! No, I know!!!! It was missing the kissing!!! He never kissed me, not even *then*!! Maybe this is common for prostitutes or even perhaps not so strange for a spontaneous voyage of desperately running from DK. However, I have not once in my life experienced this let’s-just-do-it-and-still-not-kiss-thing. I am confused. After a few days, I finally ask him outright if he ever intends to kiss me. I am far less concerned with the actual kiss at this point than the fact that I’ve never experienced this “issue” before. Do I have a bad case of halitosis? Do I seem lacking in the oral hygiene department? I mean What?!!? (None of this do I say to him or ask, of course, but I’m wondering all of this after we passed the “just a visit between friends” thing.)
He says yes, at some point he will kiss me. Okay. Just curious. Having fun either way….no big deal….cool….
So, I have a truly fantastic little mini vacation with an interesting, attractive, and intelligent crush from way back when, develop a mad crush and obsession with his fabulous dog…and on the way to the airport to go home, we stop for sushi. Delicious sushi, by the way! I mean…yummmmmy! After we eat and are waiting for the check, he gets up to go to the men’s room. As he walks past me at the table, he leans down suddenly and quickly gives me a smooch on the cheek. Awwww..that is sweet, I think to myself. He returns from the men’s room and says, “See? I told you I would kiss you!”
Oh my, my, my… Seriously, what was that?
Thank you. Had a blast. Good bye Albany! Into the box you go little shoes…
WTF!?!! thoughts (or How on Earth did I get so lucky?)
24 Apr 2010 5 Comments
in Anger!, broken heart, children, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, mothers, Uncategorized Tags: fucked up, hateful people, lies, Life, society, sociopaths, the absurd
After some reflection from Wednesday evening’s events, I’ve formulated some thoughts and questions…
1. On what planet does a married professional woman who gives blow jobs in bar parking lots to men she’s just met feel righteous in judging others as parents or even human beings in general?
2. A married woman claiming she’s desperate for friendship who sees nothing “all that” wrong in sleeping with her friends’ lover? And then hanging her friend’s character out to dry, just for good measure?
What is that? Is that okay? Do the moral aspects of a person’s character or life even have any bearing at all on these questions? Do we keep all of this stuff separate while we are wearing our judge’s robe and gossiping through our journalist’s megaphone? When judging others should it be just about them, where the judge remains beyond reproach?
Hey, I heard Susie has been cheating on her husband for years!
Oh really, so have you…
Maybe so, but this is about Susie right now….
How do you sit and reflect in judgment on others’ lives, mistakes, rumors, choices, etc, etc, without your thoughts immediately turning to your own? I am incapable. My thoughts automatically go straight to “Oh…I once did that too” or “Gosh…I’ve done something similar myself”….I do not get to pass Go and collect 200 justifications. It seems the moment I try on the judge’s robe, my entire life is immediately suspect and under the microscope as well….. Immediately! Am I just overly self-aware compared to the typical person? I’m wondering why so many seem to feel righteous in their judgements against others and I’ve noticed that it’s often the very people whose life choices could truly come into serious question, perhaps in direct defiance of the Ten Commandments, for example…? I’m not religious in any way and yet it does seem to me that the Ten Commandments are, for the most part, pretty basic rules of morality. It shouldn’t require a membership or devotion to an organized religion to comprehend them and agree that they are just pretty basic ideas of common decency in general, regardless of any doctrine of faith. Religious rules are typically up for argument and interpretation….only beyond the basics though in my opinion. It seems to me though that the majority of people I know who judge the most and often the most unfairly are the very people not living by the basic creed of respect for others and/or humanity, but living their lives in a hedonistic, “whatever is best for me”, however I have to get it type manner. And these people so often feel justified in sitting around passing judgement on others? And usually judging the loudest, as though they hope the world will hear and somehow deflect attention on their personal lives and choices? Or do these people truly have themselves convinced that their behaviors are all excused and/or justified, while every one else’s should be placed under the microscope and broadcasted for the public masses? I have to argue that this kind of thinking floats around in the box of similarity to sociopathic thinking. Although I’m not saying all selfish hedonistic types (i.e. ‘MY pleasure, MY best interest at ANY cost is perfectly acceptable’) are sociopaths, but I do see a similar train of thought here.
I once read a book called The Sociopath Next Door which claimed that one in ten (I believe it was? Or some similar statistic…)people are sociopaths. I thought that statistic was a reach, but in reflection on the depth of denial running amouk and society’s willingness to throw others under the bus so to speak in order to preserve themselves or defend some irrational fear that a defense tactic is needed although there is no attack in progress, or perhaps merely for the fun of it (?), puts me in a place of thought where I can clearly see the one in ten possibility. Not all sociopaths are on the extreme end of the spectrum, like serial killers for example, but I can see a direct connection to the low-to-no-conscience behaviours of society and the personality traits of a sociopath.
When people spread ugly false rumors about another person, are they doing this because they’re trying to protect someone from harm? Are they doing it because they really believe the information and feel obligated to society’s ‘right to kow” and a satisfaction in spreading the news? Are they doing it because they get higher self satisfaction in the (possibility of) mistakes and/or misery of others which they figure as far worse than their own imperfections? And what of the people who just flat-out lie about others? Do they actually somehow convince themselves of these lies as truth or do they spread it around, in full realization that they are lying? To me, the first indicates the possibility of a serious mental issue and the second resembles the thought processes of a sociopath…
And how did I become a magnet for these types? Is it true that birds of a feather flock together and I just can’t (or won’t?) see these traits in myself? Or is it that these types have excellent radar for attracting easy targets? Or a combination of both possibly?
Are these people so sick that they are to be pitied? There are so very many crimes against humanity far, FAR worse than these, yes I know, which go on every day all over the world. And I feel nauseated and sick to think of them…but these small little crimes against the spirit are so common and so accepted (or so it seems to me) in my little world that I wonder if it is like this in most people’s lives? Is this the current “norm”? Or am I just the lucky one who attracts more than most?
Veering and swerving
22 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: broken, broken dreams, broken heart, compromised, disappontment, disrespect, dysfunction, fucked up, giving up, hopeless, sadness
Everything pointed for a moment toward the possibility of finally overcoming the prison I’ve been in for 5 years, but then my emotions got involved and it all came to an abrupt stop….so fast I feel I might have whiplash. From the screeching painfully sudden STOP, I swerved and fishtailed…trying to get my equilibrium back.
It hasn’t come back. I’ve flailed around for it….sank deeper into a sense of depression and desperation..two unfailingly unattractive qualities and states of mind….and then did a 360…right back where I started ..only I’ve lost the tiny position and place I had prior. So I’ve made everything far far worse by trying to demand respect and acceptance for my emotions and my self as a woman and a human being. It always goes like this. And I don’t know how I first got here…oh I can blame DK sure….but I really don’t know for certain that it’s anyone’s fault but my own…
One fateful night 5 years ago has altered my course permanently and in all areas, with all people? How can that be? Why would that be?
All that has changed from this is that it no longer makes me smile or feel any joy. It feels dark and foreboding, smells of cheap perfume, and continues to compromise my self worth and inhibits my attempts to regain a better sense of such.
I am tired though and my spirit is truly weary from holding out and hoping, praying and believing. Deeply and completely weary…that light of joy I had has been chased off by my very exuberance and acceptance of it. I can ruin anything..no matter how delightful it might be or how many seemingly great qualities of potential it might have…just give me a few weeks..a month, a year….whatever…. I’ll take care of it and see that it’s fully eclipsed. And then writhe around in emotional agony filled to the core with sour regret and puffy confusion..stuffing myself further and further down into the rabbit hole.
I envy people who have passed on from this world. How fantastic it must be to end the fight and struggle completely and be at peace.
Shaky relief
17 Feb 2010 2 Comments
in faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: blessings, disappontment, dysfunction, Friendship, grace, gratitude, unconditional love
After riding an an emotional roller coaster the past two days, I’ve hit the stop. It came in increments and with stops and surges, but I do believe it has stopped. Or maybe I just jumped off….? Either way, after a long discussion with a dear and trusted friend this morning, I’m feeling the strangest (unshakable!) sense of having narrowly escaped something truly horrible…. This brings would-be relief and also is leaving me with a very sick sense in the pit of my stomach. Rather like immediately after a car crash, when you should feel just relief, yet that shaky feeling is still sitting inside your gut. I’m having that sensation in massive doses at the moment.
I admit I’m hurting just a little and feeling a strong sense of disappointment, while simultaneously feeling gratitude and relief all jumbled in together. Contradicting, as per my usual:)
I may not ever understand why addicts come to me in droves or if it’s my persona, their need for compassion/acceptance/whatever or a dreadful combination of the two…. However, I am understanding it’s far more serious than I’ve ever credited it to be and certainly poses a danger in my dating attempts…as well as my judgment versus my compassionate nature who wants to accept everyone for just who they are. Bad, bad combo! And I resolve to be better aware of this trend and run like hell at the first sign of its continuation.
Acceptance? Compassion? Hmmm… or merely a naive target for addicts to cling onto to try to make themselves okay with themselves? I’m leaning toward the latter.
I am sad. I considered shedding a few tears, but actually now, upon recent revelations, am feeling quite grateful that I didn’t bother wasting any of my precious tears over this could-have-been -tragic matter…and save my emotional vulnerability for a worthier matter, like Lent and/or the sad lack of genuine love on this planet.
I’ve the feeling it’s not over though….I may only be experiencing a respite. But, again, I suppose I have to accept the fact that whether or not that’s the case in this matter is entirely up to me. I have choices. I have will power. I have independence. I have love…genuine love. Not everyone has these..sadly, Danny doesn’t have the important one’s and I must focus on gratitude that I’m not in that position. I’m in an excellent position, although slightly in shock and only a tad wounded.
He-tox
15 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dave, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: absurd, anxiety, DAVE K., emotion, fears, he-tox, LOVE
After an outpouring yesterday of emotion and feeling out of control, I’ve firmly decided to voluntarily HE-TOX from this sitch…
What was the issue anyway? Seems from midnight Saturday on, I just felt raw and vulnerable with emotion and feeling without an outlet to release it…so guess what? Poor Danny got the brunt if it….what the hell? Danny must be spinning scared out of his mind at such a random gushing of mixed up emotions thrown all at once at him…all over the board…with no real direction or understanding.
And immediately following his strange “ummm what’s up with this gushy mushy stuff?”, comes my fear…leading directly into immediate he-tox state. So far, he’s not responded and may not even know what I’ve chosen. Wonder how long it will take? Wonder if I actually scared him off for good? Wonder if that’s what I’m subconsciously trying to do anyway? Sorta seems like I am. I can’t even know my own feelings..except that they feel out of control and I can’t get a handle on them… and that I definitely don’t like that state of mind one bit….
DK has today and tomorrow off…that’s where I’m leaning toward escaping and getting myself back in check…freaking crazy, huh????b The end has become the means…
I am in a tizzy today….anxiety driven temporary insanity…heart’s racing, breath is shallow and fast, hands shaking, knees quaking, thoughts are spinning too fast to get control….
The upsetting part for now to me is that I have to do this free-fall….while Danny has the option to get stoned and thus control his emotions completely…. And that he has done. When he called yesterday after my outpouring, he said he was way stoned and needed to sober up a bit before addressing my feelings…..I said never mind…I don’t want anything from you…I just don’t want to be in love with you….. And nothing since…..24 hours of nothing since.
He-tox at its finest…anxiety at it’s worst…..arghh!!
non-lunar lunacy
11 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dave, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE Tags: confusion, crazy, Dave, DAVE K., joy, LOVE, ponderings, Questions
Tomorrow will be two months…. I’m falling in love….or am I? my head spins so fast lately that I can’t get my bearings for longer than a few moments….or is it just my mass, perpetual confusion at the overwhelming wonder of being released at last from the dank, twisted, masochistic/sadistic prison of DK?
Have successfully avoided/declined all DK invitations throughout this time, but I’d be a dirty liar if I said that abstinence from him was coming easily, even now in the midst of head reeling, butterfly fluttering falling…. No, I still long for him in so many ways…and ache for the depth of simplistic mutual devotion which we once shared with wild abandon and frightening frenzy…. The only experience remotely of its kind that I have known or imagined could exist to this day.
I have accepted and understand that my love for that man is truly undefined and permanent, without boundaries, limits, or end. My hope is that I’m merely learning to embrace that beautifully difficult truth and function in tandem with it, while still attempting to keep my heart free to live and breathe, rather than suffocating within its constraints.
Am I falling? Am I merely full of joy and gratitude to have a brief, partial release from my prison? Do I even truly understand ordinary love? Or know how to let myself fall or simply crush? My mind, my heart, my emotions…are twisted and distorted, contrarily ecstatic and frightening… I am a vast abyss, swirling with energies and emotions…never able to pin them down for more than a fleeting moment…
Yet, last night, in the midst of intimacy with my lover, I simultaneously felt the urge to scream “STOP! LET ME GO NOW!! I DO NOT WANT THIS RIGHT NOW!!”….and the stinging, oddly satisfying(?) urge to cry… And not cry like a beautiful soft release of emotion, but rather an uncontrollable sob almost came from the depths of my soul and required some heavy concentration and control to suppress it. What is this?
I’m perhaps a certifiable, hysterical lunatic….
Hindsight…..arghhhh
23 Oct 2009 6 Comments
in broken heart, Dave, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, Writing Tags: broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., depression, disappontment, friends, heartbreak, sadness, unconditional love, Writing
Bit broken down and whatnot, but was encouraged by a dear soul to write anyway…. (thank you, my friend!)
Reflecting lately on hindsight…wondering why foresight can’t be 20/20?? And contemplating second chances..who gets them? Under what circumstances should a 2nd chance not be granted? Pit party mode: Why can’t I be in the good graces of 2nd chances, anyway? Some get so very many “2nd” chances, while rarely get one…..
Obviously, I fall into the “no 2nd chances” category for whatever reason…the higher powers that be have deemed me unworthy of such grace… and within that frame, I swallow the bitter lesson that perhaps it is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I mean, who said that anyway? Whoever it was certainly had more grace and gratitude than I!
Losing a love is excruciatingly painful…and after all, before you’ve loved, you can’t even know what you’re missing, so…hmmm……??
No, I have decided I would rather not have loved at all…. Would I miss all the beautiful memories of being loved, feeling loved, figuring out what love is? Oh yeah…but I’d not know that I missed it at all, so better off, I believe I’d be!
On the other hand, were I more gratefully graceful, I could confess that I have once been loved deeply and far beyond my expectations. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready for something so huge? I sure didn’t know how to appreciate it fully or accept it as reality until it was long gone from my life. So, instead, I spent 2 years in bliss I never fathomed prior and three years desperately trying to make up for losing it…beating myself up every inch of the way, as though that might make me worthy of a second chance….
No such luck. No second chances. Just vivid, painful hindsight and sweet memories that sting with the heartache of that hindsight. Memories which haunt my every waking (and sleeping!) hour. Memories that tear at my soul, rip at my self worth and shred my ability to forgive myself my erroneous errors.
I’d like to think that perhaps it wouldn’t have lasted even if I hadn’t erred………….but that’s not something I can convince myself of because the evidence proves it would have… Evidence shows it was the greatest, purest chance at love that I may ever have…and I couldn’t see that until it was too late…. And hard as Humpty tried to put it together again, alas, it could not be done…. Too little…too late..ahhh cliche’…
Maybe there’s only one chance at such depths of love, in order to learn that second chances aren’t a given in any situation, so I’d better get it right the first time from now on…if there’s ever another chance to demonstrate what I’ve learned from this experience…. Haha… I suppose it’s called once in a lifetime love because the opportunity comes only once…..
Yes, I would most definitely erase every beautiful memory, so I could live blissfully in ignorance of what love can be…and pooh-pah in hindight’s hateful mean face!
However, as that is not an option, instead, I get to trudge on, hoping it all makes sense someday….and hanging onto everyv possible shred of hope that nothing is ever final…until it’s final…
Different kind of nightmare…
14 Sep 2009 Leave a Comment
in Anger!, broken heart, daughters, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, signs Tags: broken, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, Friendship, pain, sadness
Truck was in the drive yesterday and curtains opened in middle of the afternoon. It’s been a few months since I saw that… I have to admit, I was a little hopeful that it meant something good. And I felt badly that I felt that way as well… Do I not love him enough to wish him happiness? That is too selfish to be love and it’s not who I want to be on the planet, but it might be the plain and ugly truth… Eww…
Heavy on my mind, I just woke from a dream that they were moving in together. It was a dream where there was so much going on at once within the deream that I can’t recall any more details than the main premise, which was the moving in thing. She had lots of money and I think they were quite happy… It burned inside me so much that it was shameful to acknowledge. And I’m left wondering…dream/nightmare or premonition? Certain that the basis for my dream was the underlying chronic fear that this is going to happen soon. Wishing I could recall more of the sbtle details within it though…but I can’t. Perhaps the details are too painful for me to allow myself the details?
I’m willing to admit how hurtful the concept is, even though it goes directly against my concept of love and is embarrassing to me to acknowledge. Yet, with this situation and thought, I do feel the tiniest release of the bonds chaining me to him . This is part of what I’ve prayed for for so very long. So I should be grateful for the answered prayer, really… and in some awkward way, I actually am. I just hate the sick feeling that’s coming with it!
AW says this is what she told me a year ago that had to happen before he came back for good – for real and of course, I long to believe that’s the case. Simultaneously, I almost hope it’s just over and done (???!?!!) so I might have the chance to move on finally. And what do I love there anymore? I’ve not been with him since early June. This is the second period of time in the past four years that it’s gone over a few weeks wwith him staying away. I get that mild sense of hopeful comfort that this time it’s really over. The same uncomfortable “comfort” I got once before, just before he returned as usual, shocking my world and my delicate balance.
Embarrassing to admit that I can’t truly fathom it’s genuinely over, while I hope that it is AND desperately pray that it’s not…all at the same maddening time!!!
Taking baby steps (for me – leaps) to start over. Spend a lot of time with Greg. Met Eric Friday and liked him okay. Saw JC and wonder if that’s anything at all, although I did not speak to him. All in the name of deperately trying to start over and open myself to the possibility that it realy is finished and done at last.
Angie devastated our lives yet AGAIN. In such an ugly way that we are reeling from it still! The girls are struggling to understand such utter deceit and ugliness from someone they cared for so much. I’m trying to help them through that, while feeling the same way myself AND kicking myself that I let myself believe in something better than that from thet likes of her. She has wrecked our home, thrown filthy lies and senseless deceit all over our hearts, and then threatened and accused me for good measure. Amazing! What a mess. I’m tired of being the hopeful optimist and can’t stand the thought of losing that quality entirely at the same time…leaving me open to the fear that it’s still not the last time I let someone do this to me – to us.
I also feel sorry for her that it must be terribly difficult to live life within a web of lies constantly fearing they’ll be exposed and juggling people and places to keep them all in the air. And in some ways, I wonder if she’s better off that she can do that and avoid the painful truths that hurt? As opposed to the blatant harsh realities of myself that I’m forced to accept?
Your blabs