Washed in a forgotten moment
05 Jun 2010 6 Comments
in Beginnings, Dave, faith, Falling in love, Life, LOVE Tags: blessings, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, dreams, happiness, hope, joy, memories, unconditional love
There was one night…it was pounding rain in fat bullets from the sky. We ran quickly in the house, but still we were drenched! Tiny Jake was soaking wet and shivering. Grabbing a towel, I wrapped him up snuggly and tight like an infant swaddled. And you…. You…. I could see directly into your heart through the look in your eyes. It was big and warm, vibrantly green and had rays of hope shooting from it like a starburst. So bright and full, it shimmered all the way through your eyes, dusting me with a mist of sparkling light as you watched me drying Jake.
I could have sworn at that moment that love was not merely an intangible emotion or some silly concept for romance novels and love songs, but solid and as truly touchable as a soft, furry, smiling puppy… shivering and wet from the driving rain.
Maybe that is why I still ache for you every time it rains…
“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
Broken wings
12 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Beginnings, broken heart, child abuse, children, dating, faith, Falling in love, fears, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE, mothers, respect, Writing Tags: abuse, child abuse, childhood, cruel, desperation, destruction, domestic violence, fears, home, lost spirit, low self esteem, memories, self love, self-respect, vulnerability, WTF
She felt like a child still in so many ways…wondering why the world always seemed to roughly push against her when she tried to stand up for herself and expect to be treated like an equally important member of society… It was so uncomfortable to stand up for herself against anyone for any reason at all and the slightest resistance or push back and she just crumbled…feeling more and more weak and pathetic. She often wondered why she was so easy to knock down?
As a child, she hadn’t been permitted the luxury of finding her own way, questioning authority, having opinions, or expressing any type of individuality. These things simply had not been permitted or tolerated in any form. What evolved from this was a fearful person; one who fit smoothly into the world and so many lives of others merely because she wasn’t equipped with a backbone to go against the grain, much less, stand up for herself. Although it sometimes seemed to her that she’d been born without a back bone, a genetic deformity of sorts, logically she understood her mother had removed it entirely over a slow and degrading 17-year-long process. A few times when it seemed one might be trying to develop in her, it was quickly squashed and eliminated. One did not question adults, either respectfully or otherwise. No questions whatsoever. One liked whatever one was given, one liked what other people liked if one wanted to BE liked or ever hope of being loved. Always just smile and go along with it. This made her an easy target for all types of abuse and manipulation.
So at 5, she didn’t question the teenage boy who insisted she go into his bedroom with him every day. She didn’t question the other babysitter either, an even older teenage girl who manipulated her even further. She didn’t question the elementary school janitor who groped beneath her panties after school. They were so much older and she desperately wanted to be a “good girl”. She wanted to be liked and thought well of and maybe if she was ever good enough, someone would come along who could love her. And anyway, she learned from a very early age that if you didn’t like something, you’d better keep your mouth shut and pretend to or it promised to get far worse. Plus, she didn’t want to be the fussy, problem child. God forbid she be an insolent, precocious type child who disgusted the adults with sass or youthful curiosity! She longed for love and acceptance..ached for it actually from her earliest memory on… Thus, she never questioned or argued, never pushed back against any type of authority…no matter how uncomfortable or wrong it felt. She didn’t suffer from a lack of identity, inner strength, or sense of righteous indignation, she simply never was permitted to develop any from the beginning. She was always a chameleon, learning to quickly change colors and quietly blend in with whatever color seemed safest in any given circumstance or moment. Somewhere buried inside her was envy of those people and children who had no trouble speaking their minds or pushing back against an authority figure if they did something which seemed wrong. She envied them the security that came from knowing if they just did the right thing for themselves, someone bigger and more powerful would be there to support and protect them.
Ironically, the catch-22 started hitting her early. She was so hungry for love and affection, any type of acceptance would be welcomed. This must have been obvious and she was often treated cruelly by her peers or friends. She early on became the common door mat for many to wipe their frustrations and insecurities. When she was hurt and tried to discuss this with her mother, desperate for some consolation, compassion and perhaps even just a little sense of support, mother would yell at her for letting people treat her badly. This was always so confusing! She wasn’t supposed to expect better, much less demand anything better, right? Be quiet and content with what you have, or else…it will only get worse. All she knew for certain is she wanted to feel loved and had to be quietly unassuming and accepting so it would not get even worse.
After she left mother’s home and had her very first official boyfriend, she soon realized she had attracted a violent man. A Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type man who worshipped and adored her more than she’d ever experienced before, but also would get very angry if she upset him intentionally or otherwise. This was especially hard for her to handle with any self-respect. There was the back-bone issue of course, mixed with the open affection and love that flowed freely in moments when her boyfriend wasn’t angry with her. She knew she wanted more of that, in fact she felt a bottomless pit of need for this love. How could she walk away from the first person who loved her enough to defend her to others, even if he did physically attack her himself? At least he didn’t allow anyone else treat her badly. He loved her most of the time and at least this way the cruelty only came from one person, instead of several. This was better than anything she had ever known before!
After a few years of his random and violent beatings she realized she must escape soon when he started openly threatening her life if she tried to leave. She turned to her mother for help… scared and begging for a place of refuge. Mother said, “You’ve let him treat you like this for years now…so you deserve what he dishes out. You must like it to have stayed so long. Give it a few years and then if I can believe that you’re really not going to go back to him again, maybe I will help you at that point.”
Give it a few years? He had recently forced her into his car and kidnapped her for an afternoon and another time recently had threatened her with a gun. She never once called the police on him (not wanting to get him in any trouble), and when concerned neighbors would hear and called the police, they never helped. In spite of her obvious busted lips and bloody noses, they would always say something like, “You two need to separate for a while and work this out on your own.”
Dad would take one look at her black and swollen eyes and say, “Honey, what did you do? You know how sassy you can be…you must have said or done something to really set him off this time. You have to learn to watch your mouth, girl.”
Give it a few years? The violence was escalating amazingly fast. She had no where safe to run and she didn’t believe she would last another few years.
In this desperation, she did what she had to do to get free and after a few years of counseling later in life, she realized that mother hadn’t allowed her to have a backbone or to develop any self-respect and then punished and criticized her further for being “weak”. No one was ever going to stand up for her and she didn’t have the strength or self-confidence to ever stand up for herself, she wanted to be loved too much to ever take that chance. It was a no-win situation. She was the world’s punching bag, literally and figuratively… and she could never lose the fear that if she didn’t learn to accept this, it could always get worse.
With this innate sense of constant fear and drastic lack of self-respect or entitlement, she set out in life, mostly hoping not to be noticed much and praying someone safe someday would.
The unmistakable waste of regret
08 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Apologies, broken heart, children, Dave, Death, dreams, faith, fears, Life, LOVE, mothers Tags: DAVE K., loss, LOVE, memories, pain, regret, unconditional love
I wonder how he feels…what it must feel like to lose someone in that time, in that way? It hurts inside me to ponder this as Mother’s Day approaches in spite of the fact that it’s a Hallmark holiday. I wonder this all year really. It just seems to become more pronounced at this time.
He said I was “so much like her”. He said she was always doing kind things for people and getting hurt and taken advantage of. He said it made him so mad to remember her standing at the sink doing dishes every day and how he wished he had offered to help or told her to sit down and let him do them. It was the only time I heard regret in his voice, shouting through his soft and nonchalantly spoken words. The only time ever when he was sober and before we ended.
A few times in his late-night intoxicated visits after, I distinctly heard regret in his voice, in his words, and could even see it in his eyes. His regret for the mass of hateful stories he told his friends and family about me and could not rescind. His regret at the scars on my face which he readily acknowledged were not there until after we separated and after the torture began. A few times of regret at his very arrival to me. He is unlike me; he is not a man of regrets. And I must wonder if those regrets were mere manipulations from a man who deeply understood how to get away with abusing my spirit….all it takes is to create the tiniest of sympathies and my heart, no matter how angry or hurt even just prior, would soften to jello and ache for him. It could even ache for how he hurt me, when he hurt me, as he was hurting me…
Otherwise, he was never a man of regret, except that one time…about her. So naturally I think of him this time of year and I think of her, the woman in his life who was so forgiving and so easily taken advantage and regretfully taken for granted.
I never asked him any questions about her. I really didn’t know how to broach such a horrible subject of which I had no experience and no way to ease the pain, except with my love…with my devotion… After such a horrible loss, these things didn’t seem to qualify. So I never asked…
I wish I had asked him questions. I never knew here and yet she has visited me in a few dreams. I can sense her thoughts it seems sometimes and I know that it can’t be, but I’d swear I can… I miss her for him and I didn’t even know her. I pray he doesn’t hurt too much today. I pray that today he has a woman’s love and devotion whom he trusts not to ever hurt him, disappoint him… or leave him.
He has never been a man of regret, while I am nothing much but a regretful woman whose regret was never enough.
Tweet-tweet memories
02 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Beginnings, broken heart, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Life, LOVE, marriage, signs Tags: Dave, DAVE K., faith, fears, grace, gratitude, happiness, heartbreak, hope, hopeless, journeys, joy, LOVE, memories, nostalgia, unconditional love
Early morning, birds chirping….so many memories…
She was a junior in college, working the swing shift at a casino in Mississippi…driving home with Jennifer at 4 am, laughing, feeling so brave, fresh, young, self-confident, and maybe just a teensy bit cocky! Arriving home at daybreak and lulled to sleep by tiny spirited chirps. Birds chirping sweetly mean freedom and independence and they whisper softly to you in your dreams that life is just beginning…
Later, she was married…waiting and worrying through sleepless nights for him to arrive home safely. Sitting up with exhaustion night after night as she heard the birds sweetly start chirping, like an alarm clock confirming another full night of his absence…wondering why… Wondering what… Remembering his stories of frighteningly excessive cocaine use and bird chirping confessions regarding his first wife. Realizing that this alarm clock no longer brought happy thoughts of freedom and a life unwritten, full of opportunities to create future happy memories. Now this charming sound indicated it was long past time to lock the door. Yes. Lock the door. Birds chirping sweetly mean your husband is still using drugs and your marriage might be a terrible mistake.
Some years and a nasty divorce later, she often stayed at his house. Him….the only him for her. The one who brought joy to her simplest thoughts and hope from her worst fears. The one who showed her how to smile while sleeping and taught her to wake with excitement and promise…the only one. She loved that he would wake early and go fishing… Birds chirping sweetly as nature’s background music as he made love to her. He hated leaving her alone in his bed and simply had to have her in the wee early mornings when watching her sleep made him want her more than anything else in the world… Sometimes it seemed more like a dream and the gentle chirping reassured her this was no dream….he was real and he loved her. Kissing her softly on her still sleepy mouth before he left, she would linger in the land between dreams and reality waiting for sleep to return….knowing that when she next awoke it would be to his adoring smile and passionate, I-missed-you-so-much-before-the-sun-came-up this morning wake-up kisses. Birds chirping sweetly mean that you are the luckiest, most loved and adored woman on earth and bring millions of kisses….kisses that taste like falling deeply in love and smell like the fresh ocean breeze.
A newlywed’s conversation
27 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, children, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, just a little strange..., just messed up, Life, LOVE, marriage, mothers, signs, Uncategorized Tags: bitchy, communication, confusion, LOVE, Loyalty, spiritual commitment, WTF
It was 2 days since the wedding. A simple, beautiful wedding in a tiny white gazebo in the park over-looking the big lake, gorgeous summer day, fresh green grass, and even a few butterflies attended the ceremony. Understated and simple, the bride wore a white sundress and the groom wore khakis and a white linen shirt. Other than the butterflies, it was attended only by immediate family… The perfect casual summer wedding!
A well-loved and favorite memory of this wedding, for the bride, would always be the groom’s mother hugging her so warmly immediately following the ceremony. She whispered in the newly married girl’s ear,
I finally have the daughter I’ve always wanted! Thank you!
As a girl without a mother, this was particularly precious to the bride and made the day even that much more perfect.
The wedding night was not so perfect, but that’s another story altogether. The couple didn’t go on honeymoon…that was not in the budget and this really didn’t matter much to either of them.
Two days after the wedding, the newly wedded bride is speaking on the phone early in the morning with her mother-in law and discussing various things like the children and the wedding. God was always a big part of these conversations she had with her husband’s mother too. The bride appreciated this and valued not only having a “mother” at last, but one who could provide such guidance and support on spiritual matters. She felt truly fortunate and blessed!
During the conversation, “Mom” starts explaining that she keeps the picture of her son and his ex-girlfriend up in their living room for the child’s sake because she wants her 5-year-old grandson to have happy memories of his mom and dad together. Something about this statement feels just a little strange to the bride. She’s not at all jealous of her husband’s ex girlfriend, after all they had broken up many years earlier, long before she had known him. So she doesn’t mind the picture staying up, there’s just something that feels a little funny about the conversation when “Mom” says this and she can’t quite put her finger on what exactly it is. So she smiles into the phone and says, I think that’s a wonderful idea! Children need to have memories of their mother and father together. It’s probably a really good idea to do that for <grandson>.
Having shrugged off that weird feeling, the conversation continues as it had and the bride is practically gushing with love, adoration, and gratitude at this great relationship with this Godly woman, who is now actually her “mother”. Ohhhh so blessed!!
Toward the end of the conversation, “Mom” revisits the photo subject. She adds,
I really don’t want to take that picture down anyway. They really looked so great together, you know? Everyone always said what a beautiful couple they were, but I was always quick to remind the kids that looks aren’t everything. A relationship can’t be maintained on just looking so perfect together.
The bride says quietly, Yes, I agree.
“Mom” says, Still, no one could ever argue that they sure did make the most beautiful couple!
Not so sure what response is appropriate here and feeling terribly uncomfortable at this moment, the bride decides to end the conversation and go attend to the children.
Thanks so much for talking this morning. I’m so happy and blessed that I finally have a “mom”! I love you. Have a beautiful day!
Spring morning and tragedy
20 Apr 2010 2 Comments
in broken heart, children, daughters, faith, fears, just messed up, Life, life transformations, LOVE, signs, Suicide Tags: blind faith, compassion, con, Life, Life Lessons, pain, ponderings, reality, Suicide
After the long dead silence of winter, I love waking up, snug in my bed, to the sound of birds chirping… It sounds like renewal, a fresh slate. Out with the old, wet, heavy, drudgery of snow and ice and in slides the hint of soft green grass under my naked feet and sunshine that longs to warm my skin. It’s incredible!
This morning, I wake up just a few glorious moments before my alarm yells at me (and that is one of my favorites by the way…waking up naturally) and I think of the recent tragedy. It’s ironically the beautiful renewal of spring which brings me to this horrible question…
Why would such a successful, talented young man with a beautiful young family, choose to end his life? This tragedy weighs heavily on my heart because of my own fights against the tyranny of depression and the weariness that sometimes takes hold, telling me I don’t have the strength, desire or reason to keep trudging along through this life. Now, I think of him, where he is now, what created such a tragic degree of sadness in him…….and his family…. What he has left his family with gnaws at my insides like sharp little teeth of would-be guilt for my own indulgence in sometimes thinking of that kind of thing as a solution.
I wish I had known him better, although under the circumstances I can’t imagine that would ever have been appropriate in my society. Had I known him better, would I have recognized the similar burden of dark thought that we shared, the danger zone we both visited? Could I have made any difference? Would I have even seen or been able to help, if I had?
This is the fourth suicide that has touched my life. This one just hides along the edges, close enough to touch me, yet too far away still to feel any literal responsibility. Suicide hurts so many, so much more than the actual victim. Its like a ripple of darkness through an already messed-up world…a ripple of darkness so solid and massive that it trips all who merely know of it, like waking in the night and stumbling over an unseen object that’s not supposed to be there. And although my own toe feels like I stumbled directly on it even just in my safe perimeter (a subtle throbbing my mind returns to again and again), I can’t possibly imagine how his family feels.
God, please wrap that family in love, compassion, and a massive healing light of white and an energy of warm, yellow hope. Please send them the hope of hummingbirds.
Hummingbird
05 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in dreams, faith, Life, life transformations, LOVE, random kindness, signs, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, endings, happiness, hummingbird, LOVE, peace, symbols
This morning, I sat outside alone enjoying my coffee and solitude…and sunshine in Las Vegas… Wanting to write, but feeling too disconnected from my creative source to actually pin point any topic or capture my fleeting thoughts…
Suddenly, i look up and a hummingbird has paused mid-flight and seemed to stop, turn and look directly at me!! I don’t know much of hummingbirds, so i wonder then, do they perhaps fly sideways and so it just happened to pause directly in front of me, appearing as though it stopped to look a me?
Intrigued by this random little momentary visit, I google the symbology of humminbirds and am delighted to find wonderfully inspirational and positive possible meanings of this bird:
WikiAnswers says: “Hummingbirds, called new world birds cause they are native to North America, Central and South America, are considered to be symbols of peace, love and happiness, moreover, ancient pagans held them sacred for their tireless energy and anxiety. In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timless joy and the Nectar of Life. It’s a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances. They are really spectacular birds, and have a lot to teach a person about self discovery and healing.”
Animal totem says: “The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.Hummingbirds are signs of:
- energy
- vitality
- joy
- renewal
- sincerity
- healing
- persistence
- peace
- infinity
- agility
- playfulness
- loyalty
- affection
And Wikia.com says: “The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time.
The hummingbird is a messenger.
It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savor each moment, and appreciate the things we love.”
Beautifully inspiring!!
Veering and swerving
22 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in broken heart, Dave, faith, fears, Friendship, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE Tags: broken, broken dreams, broken heart, compromised, disappontment, disrespect, dysfunction, fucked up, giving up, hopeless, sadness
Everything pointed for a moment toward the possibility of finally overcoming the prison I’ve been in for 5 years, but then my emotions got involved and it all came to an abrupt stop….so fast I feel I might have whiplash. From the screeching painfully sudden STOP, I swerved and fishtailed…trying to get my equilibrium back.
It hasn’t come back. I’ve flailed around for it….sank deeper into a sense of depression and desperation..two unfailingly unattractive qualities and states of mind….and then did a 360…right back where I started ..only I’ve lost the tiny position and place I had prior. So I’ve made everything far far worse by trying to demand respect and acceptance for my emotions and my self as a woman and a human being. It always goes like this. And I don’t know how I first got here…oh I can blame DK sure….but I really don’t know for certain that it’s anyone’s fault but my own…
One fateful night 5 years ago has altered my course permanently and in all areas, with all people? How can that be? Why would that be?
All that has changed from this is that it no longer makes me smile or feel any joy. It feels dark and foreboding, smells of cheap perfume, and continues to compromise my self worth and inhibits my attempts to regain a better sense of such.
I am tired though and my spirit is truly weary from holding out and hoping, praying and believing. Deeply and completely weary…that light of joy I had has been chased off by my very exuberance and acceptance of it. I can ruin anything..no matter how delightful it might be or how many seemingly great qualities of potential it might have…just give me a few weeks..a month, a year….whatever…. I’ll take care of it and see that it’s fully eclipsed. And then writhe around in emotional agony filled to the core with sour regret and puffy confusion..stuffing myself further and further down into the rabbit hole.
I envy people who have passed on from this world. How fantastic it must be to end the fight and struggle completely and be at peace.
Your blabs