Kindness Shmindness
21 Jun 2010 5 Comments
in broken heart, Death, dreams, Life Lessons, LOVE, random kindness Tags: abuse, broken dreams, broken heart, DAVE K., destruction, disappontment, dreams, dysfunction, faith, fucked up, LOVE, manipulation, unconditional love, WTF
Change my blog title…? Really thinking about this lately. Funny, when I log in here and see my title, I’m just filled with sadness and a teensy bit of disgust.
Contemplating the whole “Secret” business recently and the concept of the power of attraction. I so love the concept! When I really dig into the idea and the science behind it, it seems so very valid, almost provable on many levels and yet… Random kindness…kindness as a response to cruelty…giving as the answer to taking…
When I created this blog, I was adamantly optimistic about this theory—thus, the title. I had myself convinced that if I kept my thoughts, actions, and character upright, then good things would have to come. I didn’t really have any specific “want” that I didn’t get or anything…I just wanted so much to believe that if I lived by my beliefs then good things had to happen. I steadfastly chose to send loving vibrations and energy out to everyone and in particular, the nasty people I’ve known and dealt with in recent years and in years gone by. Thinking, believing no one would want to do harm to a person who just keeps on loving and being kind, regardless of what gets thrown at them. Great in theory…terrific concept…
But, not so much true. Seems more people then just see you as a weak sucker, vulnerable and ripe to all sorts of abuse and manipulations. Not to mention, deserving of it all, since it’s so “stupid” in this day and age with these standards of society to believe such a thing and live by it. I love the saying “Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness”. I wish I could have incorporated a little more of that into my social experiment of loving kindness, but I’m not all that strong really…except perhaps in my desire to believe. There I have unlimited quantities of strength it seems. And it really gets me in trouble and leaves me hurt more often than not!
So, if one lives by loving kindness and responds to hatred and such with just more kindness, at what point do you stop the one-way flow? If the power of attraction theory is truly believed and practiced, then the moment I get angry or cease the kindness, I bring negative energy into my world and develop the very thing I’d like to avoid…so you just keep being kind and love even harder…
And people recognize this quickly, especially the mean people looking to take advantage and hoping for a sucker just like me and suddenly there is a catch-22 quandary going on and a snowball effect of bulls**t coming at you like a freight train of stupidity!
So, I really dislike that I no longer believe in this…I really wanted this to be true with all my heart. I was prepared to take all the crap and just keep loving…love, love, love…. But after 5 years now of being dumped into a mass of crap, I just can’t continue believing. And I’m actually embarrassed to confess how ridiculously stupid I’ve been to let this belief/hope persist in spite of the hurt it’s caused, because at the end of the day, I’m the one responsible for allowing it all to happen and continue. So hard not to feel like a victim when even your best and most beautiful intentions are devoured and devastated by the seemingly innate UNkindness of the majority….but if I let myself feel like a victim, then I’m bringing more victimization energy back to myself. Arghh…wtf?! All in all, this little experiment seems to have just left me wide open and vulnerable to abuse and attack, while simultaneously rendering me scared to death to get angry, much less actually fight back!!
I’m deeply sad to admit the death of this inside me. I didn’t expect all my dreams to come true and nothing but rainbows and butterflies every day by this theory…but I DID truly believe that it would bring more love and happiness not only into my world, but possibly even into the world of many. And now, I mostly just feel hurt, angry, and embarrassed that I’ve been such a stupid idiot for so very long…and devastated that my best efforts and hugest faith amounted to so little actual good for anyone…to the point that I now have this little wish in my heart to take it all back and just punch those mean people in the mouth for every hurt they caused!
How’s THAT for loving kindness?! ..hehe…=D
Dream intruders
14 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dave, dreams Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., disappontment, dreams, dysfunction, fears, fucked up, heartbreak, Life, LOVE, ponderings, relationships, unconditional love
It’s so unfortunate that we can’t control our dreams…
Fitful sleep tonight…tossing and turning… Dave K. everywhere!! I don’t want him invading my dreams like he did my home for so many years. It’s such a relief when he’s not running through my mind much. I feel such a sense of relief, and then he shows up rampant in my dreams anyway…ugh! He has no business there except to torture me. It’s frustrating to think that I’m fading him out at last and feeling successful with eliminating him from my mind and life, but my subconscious is still holding on so tightly, it seems. Otherwise how could he get in my dreams?
And this was not a good one by any means of interpretation. Seemed like a cruel reminder and additional experience with his denial of me as a human being and a loved one, past or present! His house was all rearranged and that was excruciatingly uncomfortable for me for some odd reason…I looked for “the” sofa and found it covered in an obscure corner somewhere. Relatives showed up (his not mine) and questioned my motives, my actions, and my behaviors over the past 5 years. They didn’t have even an eighth of the truth and were very critical, but still kind. He still had all my letters from days past, brought them out to show everyone, and cruelly laughed at them. That was painful. I hated him for that. So mean. …And a gambling problem…a BIG one. I told him that a psychic lady had told me of that problem years ago, but I hadn’t believed her. All in all, it was like I was at an informal trial at his house with Dave and his relatives as judge and jury and I wasn’t able to convey any truths or experience because I had already been deemed “bad” and of course “crazy” too, so nothing I said mattered. Very hurtful and frustrating…
As though he had never loved me…..had never hurt even a moment over all the things he’s cried and beaten me up about for so many years because of how much I “devastated” him. Just one big charade apparently for the sole purpose of getting in my pants and keeping me covered in guilt so he had emotional control over me. As if there had never been any reality or worthwhile substance of emotions…
It was such a painful dream and leaves me wondering are these just my deep fears trying to make desperate sense of all the nonsense that has happened or is that the ugly reality? After everything, it’s nauseating to even ponder that as a possibility.
“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
The unmistakable waste of regret
08 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Apologies, broken heart, children, Dave, Death, dreams, faith, fears, Life, LOVE, mothers Tags: DAVE K., loss, LOVE, memories, pain, regret, unconditional love
I wonder how he feels…what it must feel like to lose someone in that time, in that way? It hurts inside me to ponder this as Mother’s Day approaches in spite of the fact that it’s a Hallmark holiday. I wonder this all year really. It just seems to become more pronounced at this time.
He said I was “so much like her”. He said she was always doing kind things for people and getting hurt and taken advantage of. He said it made him so mad to remember her standing at the sink doing dishes every day and how he wished he had offered to help or told her to sit down and let him do them. It was the only time I heard regret in his voice, shouting through his soft and nonchalantly spoken words. The only time ever when he was sober and before we ended.
A few times in his late-night intoxicated visits after, I distinctly heard regret in his voice, in his words, and could even see it in his eyes. His regret for the mass of hateful stories he told his friends and family about me and could not rescind. His regret at the scars on my face which he readily acknowledged were not there until after we separated and after the torture began. A few times of regret at his very arrival to me. He is unlike me; he is not a man of regrets. And I must wonder if those regrets were mere manipulations from a man who deeply understood how to get away with abusing my spirit….all it takes is to create the tiniest of sympathies and my heart, no matter how angry or hurt even just prior, would soften to jello and ache for him. It could even ache for how he hurt me, when he hurt me, as he was hurting me…
Otherwise, he was never a man of regret, except that one time…about her. So naturally I think of him this time of year and I think of her, the woman in his life who was so forgiving and so easily taken advantage and regretfully taken for granted.
I never asked him any questions about her. I really didn’t know how to broach such a horrible subject of which I had no experience and no way to ease the pain, except with my love…with my devotion… After such a horrible loss, these things didn’t seem to qualify. So I never asked…
I wish I had asked him questions. I never knew here and yet she has visited me in a few dreams. I can sense her thoughts it seems sometimes and I know that it can’t be, but I’d swear I can… I miss her for him and I didn’t even know her. I pray he doesn’t hurt too much today. I pray that today he has a woman’s love and devotion whom he trusts not to ever hurt him, disappoint him… or leave him.
He has never been a man of regret, while I am nothing much but a regretful woman whose regret was never enough.
Tweet-tweet memories
02 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Beginnings, broken heart, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Life, LOVE, marriage, signs Tags: Dave, DAVE K., faith, fears, grace, gratitude, happiness, heartbreak, hope, hopeless, journeys, joy, LOVE, memories, nostalgia, unconditional love
Early morning, birds chirping….so many memories…
She was a junior in college, working the swing shift at a casino in Mississippi…driving home with Jennifer at 4 am, laughing, feeling so brave, fresh, young, self-confident, and maybe just a teensy bit cocky! Arriving home at daybreak and lulled to sleep by tiny spirited chirps. Birds chirping sweetly mean freedom and independence and they whisper softly to you in your dreams that life is just beginning…
Later, she was married…waiting and worrying through sleepless nights for him to arrive home safely. Sitting up with exhaustion night after night as she heard the birds sweetly start chirping, like an alarm clock confirming another full night of his absence…wondering why… Wondering what… Remembering his stories of frighteningly excessive cocaine use and bird chirping confessions regarding his first wife. Realizing that this alarm clock no longer brought happy thoughts of freedom and a life unwritten, full of opportunities to create future happy memories. Now this charming sound indicated it was long past time to lock the door. Yes. Lock the door. Birds chirping sweetly mean your husband is still using drugs and your marriage might be a terrible mistake.
Some years and a nasty divorce later, she often stayed at his house. Him….the only him for her. The one who brought joy to her simplest thoughts and hope from her worst fears. The one who showed her how to smile while sleeping and taught her to wake with excitement and promise…the only one. She loved that he would wake early and go fishing… Birds chirping sweetly as nature’s background music as he made love to her. He hated leaving her alone in his bed and simply had to have her in the wee early mornings when watching her sleep made him want her more than anything else in the world… Sometimes it seemed more like a dream and the gentle chirping reassured her this was no dream….he was real and he loved her. Kissing her softly on her still sleepy mouth before he left, she would linger in the land between dreams and reality waiting for sleep to return….knowing that when she next awoke it would be to his adoring smile and passionate, I-missed-you-so-much-before-the-sun-came-up this morning wake-up kisses. Birds chirping sweetly mean that you are the luckiest, most loved and adored woman on earth and bring millions of kisses….kisses that taste like falling deeply in love and smell like the fresh ocean breeze.
A newlywed’s conversation
27 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, children, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, just a little strange..., just messed up, Life, LOVE, marriage, mothers, signs, Uncategorized Tags: bitchy, communication, confusion, LOVE, Loyalty, spiritual commitment, WTF
It was 2 days since the wedding. A simple, beautiful wedding in a tiny white gazebo in the park over-looking the big lake, gorgeous summer day, fresh green grass, and even a few butterflies attended the ceremony. Understated and simple, the bride wore a white sundress and the groom wore khakis and a white linen shirt. Other than the butterflies, it was attended only by immediate family… The perfect casual summer wedding!
A well-loved and favorite memory of this wedding, for the bride, would always be the groom’s mother hugging her so warmly immediately following the ceremony. She whispered in the newly married girl’s ear,
I finally have the daughter I’ve always wanted! Thank you!
As a girl without a mother, this was particularly precious to the bride and made the day even that much more perfect.
The wedding night was not so perfect, but that’s another story altogether. The couple didn’t go on honeymoon…that was not in the budget and this really didn’t matter much to either of them.
Two days after the wedding, the newly wedded bride is speaking on the phone early in the morning with her mother-in law and discussing various things like the children and the wedding. God was always a big part of these conversations she had with her husband’s mother too. The bride appreciated this and valued not only having a “mother” at last, but one who could provide such guidance and support on spiritual matters. She felt truly fortunate and blessed!
During the conversation, “Mom” starts explaining that she keeps the picture of her son and his ex-girlfriend up in their living room for the child’s sake because she wants her 5-year-old grandson to have happy memories of his mom and dad together. Something about this statement feels just a little strange to the bride. She’s not at all jealous of her husband’s ex girlfriend, after all they had broken up many years earlier, long before she had known him. So she doesn’t mind the picture staying up, there’s just something that feels a little funny about the conversation when “Mom” says this and she can’t quite put her finger on what exactly it is. So she smiles into the phone and says, I think that’s a wonderful idea! Children need to have memories of their mother and father together. It’s probably a really good idea to do that for <grandson>.
Having shrugged off that weird feeling, the conversation continues as it had and the bride is practically gushing with love, adoration, and gratitude at this great relationship with this Godly woman, who is now actually her “mother”. Ohhhh so blessed!!
Toward the end of the conversation, “Mom” revisits the photo subject. She adds,
I really don’t want to take that picture down anyway. They really looked so great together, you know? Everyone always said what a beautiful couple they were, but I was always quick to remind the kids that looks aren’t everything. A relationship can’t be maintained on just looking so perfect together.
The bride says quietly, Yes, I agree.
“Mom” says, Still, no one could ever argue that they sure did make the most beautiful couple!
Not so sure what response is appropriate here and feeling terribly uncomfortable at this moment, the bride decides to end the conversation and go attend to the children.
Thanks so much for talking this morning. I’m so happy and blessed that I finally have a “mom”! I love you. Have a beautiful day!
Runaway cars? Okay…
27 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in daughters, dreams, fears, just a little strange..., mothers, Uncategorized, Vacations
At the ex’s house with kids and contemplating dinner ideas. We agree on making spaghetti. I have to go to the grocery store to get some ingredients. I’m taking his car to go. I go to his car in the parking lot, am getting in, when I notice a kitten has been trapped in his car in the sweltering heat. I grab the poor little kitten and go to take it in the house. On my way in, I pass a female, about my age, asking for Mark. I say he’s changing or something and she barges right in saying she’ll get him herself. Okay. Mark comes out about the same time and tells her she can go in his room and they’ll talk in a minute, explaining to me that he’s been dating this girl. Okay.
I’m in kitchen with kids, going over grocery list one final time, when the girl comes naked out of the bedroom into the kitchen!! I say, “Hey, my kids are in here. That’s very inappropriate in front of them.” She tells me to F-off..that she stays there the rest of the time and that I have nothing to say about it. I say, okay…just get your clothes on in front of my children please. Again she swears at me. I have just had it. I walk straight up to her and punch her in the mouth..obviously very hard because blood is spurting from her lip and she is yelling for Mark. He comes in and tells me to go on to the grocery store that he’ll take care of this. I just say okay and leave again.
As I’m walking to the parking lot, I notice a buzz of traffic around the little residential lake his house is right next to. There’s a big machine pulling vehicles out of the lake and I see that Mark’s car is one of them!!! I panic and run out there, knowing I must be to blame for this.
The car is pulled out and still starts, but obviously has some issues from being partially submerged in water, while I dealt with a naked woman streaking in front of my children… I’m so afraid to tell Mark and I start crying. A few really nice women watching this are kind to me and encouraging. I finally go inside to tell Mark what happened. He’s upset but not as mad as I thought he’d be. We should continue with our dinner plans…
I take my car to the store. At the store, I’m picking out the needed ingredients. The meat department guy is acting very strangely and says he has to ring me up there. I give him my card. He calls someone and they take me in a back room for questioning, apparently my card is suspicious and they have to notify the authorities. I’m very upset and confused about this, but they insist on treating me like a criminal and I really don’t understand why this is happening or what I have done…
A common theme to my dreams lately is runaway vehicles and physical fights. So strange! Can’t seem to pin-point what that represents subconsciously…
Pink Converse Conversation
21 Apr 2010 3 Comments
in Beginnings, broken heart, dating, Dave, dreams, Falling in love, Life, LOVE Tags: Beginnings, dating, Dave, DAVE K., fishing, happiness, joy, LOVE, memories, nostalgia, spring
Spring cleaning and preparing for the big move and naturally, my (self diagnosed and labeled) Nostalgic Disorder clicks into high gear!
Pink Converse: Remember us? Don’t put us into that donation box! NOT us. Look at us… Date #2: You met him at the boat dock to go fishing wearing us. You looked so cute in whatever else you wore that day, who really remembers? But..but..but…. you could never forget that huge grin that spread across DK’s face as you walked up to his dock, just a little nervous, and with that gargantuan gorgeous smile, he said and we quote, “You wore pink Converse!!! Oh my God, I LOVE it! You are truly just too beautiful!”
Remember how every teeny bit of your nervousness just instantly vanished? It made it worth how much you struggled to put us on. Wearing us was worth every swear word and every minute of the 7 minutes it took you to put us on. And you fished and fished…and laughed…and kissed…and looked at each other with those knowing looks of a long, happy future of these fishing escapades…and the happiest ending that was ever written! You even caught a gigantic (or so it seemed!) salmon – your first EVER, we might add! The very same salmon which he cleaned and cooked for the romantic dinner you had that very evening. Candles flickering, wine flowing as fast as the laughter and as smoothly as falling in love.
Look here!! We perfectly represent the perfect date. You must keep us forever. Even if just for the glorious memories.
Holding them up in the air to admire them I say, “Oh shut up you stupid shoes!” Into the donation box you go…..
Thank you and good luck.
Hummingbird
05 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in dreams, faith, Life, life transformations, LOVE, random kindness, signs, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, endings, happiness, hummingbird, LOVE, peace, symbols
This morning, I sat outside alone enjoying my coffee and solitude…and sunshine in Las Vegas… Wanting to write, but feeling too disconnected from my creative source to actually pin point any topic or capture my fleeting thoughts…
Suddenly, i look up and a hummingbird has paused mid-flight and seemed to stop, turn and look directly at me!! I don’t know much of hummingbirds, so i wonder then, do they perhaps fly sideways and so it just happened to pause directly in front of me, appearing as though it stopped to look a me?
Intrigued by this random little momentary visit, I google the symbology of humminbirds and am delighted to find wonderfully inspirational and positive possible meanings of this bird:
WikiAnswers says: “Hummingbirds, called new world birds cause they are native to North America, Central and South America, are considered to be symbols of peace, love and happiness, moreover, ancient pagans held them sacred for their tireless energy and anxiety. In Native American culture, a hummingbird symbolizes timless joy and the Nectar of Life. It’s a symbol for accomplishing that which seems impossible and will teach you how to find the miracle of joyful living from your own life circumstances. They are really spectacular birds, and have a lot to teach a person about self discovery and healing.”
Animal totem says: “The Hummingbird animal totem is a messenger of hope and jubilation.Hummingbirds are signs of:
- energy
- vitality
- joy
- renewal
- sincerity
- healing
- persistence
- peace
- infinity
- agility
- playfulness
- loyalty
- affection
And Wikia.com says: “The hummingbird symbolizes many different concepts. Because of its speed, the hummingbird is known as a messenger and stopper of time.
The hummingbird is a messenger.
It is also a symbol of love, joy, and beauty. The hummingbird is also able to fly backwards, teaching us that we can look back on our past. But, this bird also teaches that we must not dwell on our past; we need to move forward. When the hummingbird hovers over flowers while drinking nectar, we learn that we should savor each moment, and appreciate the things we love.”
Beautifully inspiring!!
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