“…Ladybugs Katherine! Lots and lots of ladybugs!”
24 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, Beginnings, children, dating, daughters, Dave, dreams, faith, Falling in love, fears, Friendship, Life, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, moving, random kindness, respect, Uncategorized Tags: blessings, boundaries, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., devotion, disappontment, dreams, fears, gratitude, happiness, hope, joy, Life, Life Lessons, Loyalty, Mark, ponderings, relationships, transformations, unconditional love
Lazing in the glorious sun in my back yard yesterday, chatting with girls and Mark about the big upcoming move, feeling mostly excited and thankfully, only mildly overwhelmed at the moment thinking of all that has to be done…all that’s to be left behind, and what’s to come… Sweet ladybug lands on my thigh, just hanging out for a moment. I try to recall what this means. I have a vague recollection of some movie or some symbolic meaning of this ladybug in this moment.
“Ladybug: Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck, the Ladybug is a love symbol too. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then released, the Ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his/her ear. Upon hearing the Ladybug’s message your true love will hurry his/her way to your side. Ancient farmers of the land have considered the Ladybug a good omen as she controls aphid populations. The number of spots on a Ladybug’s back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.”
My ladybug flew off and then returned briefly to the same spot on my thigh. She only hung out with me for a moment…long enough for me to curiously wonder. Later I found the above explanation when I Googled animal symbolism.
Strange feelings stirred this weekend with Mark’s visit. He shared some upsetting news with me and it turned my world around. It was as if some ancient forgotten feelings were gently brushed. There seems to be a woman he has casually dated, who is claiming she is pregnant with his child. Oh geesh…hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! What the heck is this?! I remained fairly calm at first but the feelings slowly snuck up on me as I pondered and tears threatened to spill. I was hurt.
Only last Christmas I asked him if we could have another baby. He was adamantly and decidedly against this. Mostly I was teasing him, but I was really hoping at the same time. A part of me longs to know what a planned pregnancy feels like before I hang up my reproductive abilities forever. I love our children and wouldn’t think to change a thing regarding them, but I have the saddest sense of never knowing the excitement that comes with learning I am pregnant, in spite of the fact that I have two fabulous children. I only know the, “Oh my GOD! I’m pregnant..what the heck should/am I going to do?” I don’t know the, “Yay…LOOK we’re having a baby!” feeling. At one point, I was absolutely certain I would have this with Dave, but that’s not going to ever be and I resigned myself to the mercy of my children’s father hopefully granting me the third and first expectedly planned child. Again, not to be…
And now this…a “stranger” having a child with MY children’s father? A half-brother or sister right in the delicate era when I’m desperately trying to explain intelligent life-choices to my teen/pre-teen girls? Immediately following my pleadings for a planned child? It’s upsetting to me in a very selfish way and in a not-so-selfish way in regards to my daughters and the family we have created in spite of the divorce. Mark confessed strong hunches and disbelief that this really is his child. I admit I share these hunches, but I can’t tell if this is wishful, desperate hope or actual intuition. Really feels like intuition, as the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy as relayed by Mark, are clouded in a dark suspicion. Apparently he had “the” conversation with this woman and even prior to their intimate relations which resolutely explained his unwillingness and total lack of desire for any more children. I certainly am no hypocrite and fully understand taking chances and what happens sometimes, as I have one unplanned child with this man and another one who borders between the planned and unplanned – but purposely and knowingly (on both our parts) taking a BIG chance area. However, something just feels different with this. Mark and I never had this conversation he had with this woman, until last Christmas…years after our two children’s births. And keeping these children was never a thought to Mark. He would discuss no other options with either actually.
I did finally find my voice to say softly, “Dammit, I wanted us to have one more and I even begged you last Christmas!” I was a little comforted when he replied, “I know and it would be totally different if this was you.”
Something passionate and historically forgotten (but not lost?) for this man, this unbelievably fantastic father of my children, awoke with those words. Momentarily I forgot my sadness and the- what-will-this-do-to-our-children fears and it dawned on me that there IS one person on this planet with whom it is different for me in a good way. A place on this earth where I have carte blanche and the huge margin of error I’ve never known and always hoped to have somewhere in my lifetime…or recognized might be the more appropriate word? Hindsight tells me I always had it here, but never fully realized or comprehended. And as hurt and afraid and sad as I felt, it was temporarily overcome by love for this beautiful man, who after everything, does love me and does put me in a position of greater respect. This man who, other than our two terrific children, has more reason than anyone to NOT put me in this position. The same man who knows of so many of my faults, mistakes and truly ugly characteristics…still chooses to give ME this place, this status, this beautiful acceptance and WIDE berth of error.
I flash back to the deciding moments I’ve had with Mark. The tearfully spoken “Ummmm…guess what?” moments in which this man responded with every support and every ounce of respect any one could offer a woman in such frightening times. He never once veered in his choices to want and to love our children, unexpected, unplanned, whatever…. Never once. I did. I was confused and scared and undecided..reflecting on ALL our options. While he, he was stout and strong and beautifully decided. And my selfish, spoiled self rears its ugly head now to scream at this other woman, “Na na na na boo boo…I’M the mamma dammit…I’m the wanted Mamma. He was never willing to discuss adoption or abortion with me!” It never even occurred to me that Mark had any other responses to, Guess what? I’m pregnant than full and total support and strength. Seems he does. Although in my defense, I was not a grown woman with a professional career who engaged in the I DO NOT want any children discussion with him just prior to our pregnancies. Seems as though our accidents were more in the area of mutual accidents and never came across as even possibly planned or pre-meditated, as this situation screams.
I have not always acted honorably in our various life challenges as people or as parents with Mark. In fact, there are many occasions when I have acted horribly and been just mean and hateful. I can blame some of these on circumstances, innocence, and youthful self-righteousness and I have had cause to regret them anyway, but they will now always be sources of shame for me after this one little sentence he spoke like a gift from God. Have I really given Dave K. every chance, every forgiveness, every excuse for a million horrible and hateful beyond explanation behaviors and actions against me while being selfish and stingy with these in regards to my children’s father, who has repeatedly and thoroughly proven himself as far more deserving of forgiveness and acceptance than this, or any, other man? Am I this blind?
I was. I must have been. Was the intoxicating joy and perfection I felt with Dave and never once prior so much that it knocked me senseless and blind to see the beauty of Mark’s love and respect for me? I’ve always been admitting and openly praising of Mark as a man who worked hard to change his early shortcomings and surprisingly became the greatest father I could have ever hoped for my children. I have almost always been open to seeing this and believing in it from the actions-speak-louder-than-words faith, but I just never really “got it” fully. Am I part of the reason he succeeded so well in this?
I never would have guessed or presumed this. EVER! And it smacked me so beautifully and lovingly that I was taken aback with a brand new love and gratitude for Mark, the most beautiful father, ex, and friend any woman could dream of. I fell just a little bit back in love with him this weekend. Whoa…life sure is surprising in its sudden and totally unexpected twists and turns! I can’t even imagine what this will or will not bring… or what it even means…
The unmistakable waste of regret
08 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Apologies, broken heart, children, Dave, Death, dreams, faith, fears, Life, LOVE, mothers Tags: DAVE K., loss, LOVE, memories, pain, regret, unconditional love
I wonder how he feels…what it must feel like to lose someone in that time, in that way? It hurts inside me to ponder this as Mother’s Day approaches in spite of the fact that it’s a Hallmark holiday. I wonder this all year really. It just seems to become more pronounced at this time.
He said I was “so much like her”. He said she was always doing kind things for people and getting hurt and taken advantage of. He said it made him so mad to remember her standing at the sink doing dishes every day and how he wished he had offered to help or told her to sit down and let him do them. It was the only time I heard regret in his voice, shouting through his soft and nonchalantly spoken words. The only time ever when he was sober and before we ended.
A few times in his late-night intoxicated visits after, I distinctly heard regret in his voice, in his words, and could even see it in his eyes. His regret for the mass of hateful stories he told his friends and family about me and could not rescind. His regret at the scars on my face which he readily acknowledged were not there until after we separated and after the torture began. A few times of regret at his very arrival to me. He is unlike me; he is not a man of regrets. And I must wonder if those regrets were mere manipulations from a man who deeply understood how to get away with abusing my spirit….all it takes is to create the tiniest of sympathies and my heart, no matter how angry or hurt even just prior, would soften to jello and ache for him. It could even ache for how he hurt me, when he hurt me, as he was hurting me…
Otherwise, he was never a man of regret, except that one time…about her. So naturally I think of him this time of year and I think of her, the woman in his life who was so forgiving and so easily taken advantage and regretfully taken for granted.
I never asked him any questions about her. I really didn’t know how to broach such a horrible subject of which I had no experience and no way to ease the pain, except with my love…with my devotion… After such a horrible loss, these things didn’t seem to qualify. So I never asked…
I wish I had asked him questions. I never knew here and yet she has visited me in a few dreams. I can sense her thoughts it seems sometimes and I know that it can’t be, but I’d swear I can… I miss her for him and I didn’t even know her. I pray he doesn’t hurt too much today. I pray that today he has a woman’s love and devotion whom he trusts not to ever hurt him, disappoint him… or leave him.
He has never been a man of regret, while I am nothing much but a regretful woman whose regret was never enough.
Absolute aberration
14 Dec 2009 2 Comments
in abuse, Apologies, broken heart, Dave, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, addiction, broken, broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., dysfunction, insanity, lost spirit, LOVE, ponderings, responsibility, sickness, unconditional love
I experience the full comprehension of the literal definition of a wasted life… It is when you have placed the highest value, importance, and priority on something which was hardly a fleeting thought to another. What a sad waste of a life and tragic assisted suicide of a heart this has been. I realize it will never be a worthwhile thought or experience to another living soul…except perhaps, just perhaps, in the book of “What Not to do in Life”. It could possibly gain notice in that list, but somehow I doubt that even, as any reasonable human being would consider it as a given and not need to dull lesson of the obvious. Even there, the experience could be skimmed through or skipped altogether…. How did my life become defined by this ridiculous aberration? When exactly did it shift to that? And why in the HELL upon this epiphany, would I allow it to continue feeding on the juice of my life? Sucking me dry of all things worthwhile or note-worthy in the slightest? How is it possible or allowed that my experience, hell my existence itself, is one of complete futility? This disgusts me. When (and how?!!??) will that disgust grow strong enough to change it?
As I slowly die,I realize yet again that no other will be held accountable for this murder… And I don’t really think even that matters any more to me. That strong passion for right and wrong, justice and accountability…all falls back onto me. Only I am to blame for allowing this death by slow torturous murder. I couldn’t possibly point a single finger at anyone else because at the end of the day, it is I alone who must take responsibility for the contual madness… No one has held a gun to my head in years. I’ve chosen this..in spite of myself, because of myself… Although it doesn’t feel like a choice was ever placed in my hands…..I logically understand that it’s my finger on the trigger. The rest is just words thrown in my direction, giving me step-by-step instructions albeit between the lines…reminding me that it is my fault alone.
I can’t help but wonder lately if I have ever had such a profoundly negative and immensely detrimental effect on another human being merely through my own selfishness, knowingly or otherwise? I can’t know, except to know factually that if I have, it was sheerly unintentional and unknowing….
I have never played with my food for this long…nor someone’s emotions or quality and quantity of life… I still feel guilt over saying something hateful once to Theresa ten years ago.
How does any one person become so much? It is not rational or logical and certainly not sane or “normal”? And if I have enough wisdom and intellect to see that, then why doesn’t it stop right there?
I was never intended for one-on-one love…it’s all a fluke and an aberration of nature…an absolute train wreck I can’t tear myself away from long enough or far enough to move past…or around..or over…
I pray for forgiveness if I have ever once created this much pain in another living thing for even one moment in time. Ignorance is no excuse…
Little boy
03 Apr 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Apologies, broken heart, child abuse, children, Dave, faith, fears, Life, mothers, random kindness, signs Tags: Dave, hope, hopeless, knocking, lost spirit, LOVE, Loyalty, mysterious unknown, self-respect, unconditional love
Spirits in my house, my life…my heart? I do not think this is crazy. Ang says, “There’s a little boy.” And yes, I know. I do not doubt her or him for a moment. I have been told before of him. He feels me. When he can’t put words to his feelings, I can. Sometimes.
Who are you little boy? You are the little boy from the video? The little angel boy who has been with me always, like in that video? You are Dave’s good spirit, before he turned to the darkness of resentment and pathology? You are my little Romeo-soul-lover? Are you what kept that little girl going on those cold scary nights darkened with abuse? Are you the reason I lived beyond it? Are you every kindness that has been extended which kept my momentum going when I felt there was no more? Are you the kind friends on my blog who read and seem to understand? Have you saved me from hundreds of “mishaps” that should have killed me but didn’t? Do you live in my soul? My heart? My space? Do I hope for your story when I ask Dave to tell me a story about the little boy who lost his kite? Is that you?
Who are you little boy? Why do you follow me through this life? You could have found a happier place. You should have. You deserve a happier companion, but I am grateful for your presence still.
I know you are there. Thank you little boy.
Wow!
22 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, Apologies, broken heart, children, daughters, Dave, faith, Life, Life Lessons, life transformations, LOVE, mothers, respect Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, daughters, Dave, DAVE K., LOVE, Loyalty, self love, self-respect, strength, unconditional love
I am so bursting with pride at my daughter! She demonstrated such fantastic strength and self confidence today that it nearly brought tears to my eyes to just know that someone as incredible as she actually comes from a part of me. I am so proud of her!!
She told me today that she isn’t going to call Dave “Dave” anymore, but he will from now on be referred to as “It”. A few hours later she told me that all the damage he has done has affected her and her sister too. I felt horrible and apologized. She then said she’d like to write him a letter telling him just how she felt about everything he’s done to our family. I told her she had every right to feel that way and to write whatever letters she wanted. She was surprised I said that and said,” I’m going to go write it right now then!”
She went in her room and came back awhile later asking me to read her letter. It was very well written for a 12 year-old! She didn’t resort to writing anything mean or hateful. She merely said that what he’s done has affected her and her sister and that she thought he was a much better person than that. She wrapped it up by writing, “You need to man-up and say you’re sorry to my mom or else leave my family alone!”
She then asked if she could deliver it immediately, she wanted him to get it as soon as possible she said. I told her of course she could do whatever she wanted with her letter because those are her feelings and she’s entitled to them and to share them with whoever shec chooses. She marched that letter straight over to his house and left it for him!
Wow! I’m so delighted and excited to see that she’s so strong and confident with herself, her sense of right and wrong, and her value as a person. She is a phenomenal girl… I’m overwhelmed at her confidence and self esteem. On a selfish note, I feel relieved to see that she’s not at all afraid to stand up for what and who she believes in, regardless of the weakness I’ve unfortunately demonstrated to her at times through this horrible ordeal. Yayyyyyyyy Lexi!!!!!!
I’m not that strong sometimes now when dealing with this issue. I can’t imagine having that kind of self esteem and courage at 12! She is my hero!
Goodbye to the crazy girl!
10 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Apologies, broken heart, Dave, fears, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: blame, Dave, DAVE K., death, destruction, goodbye, LOVE, ponderings, Questions, responsibility, truth, unconditional love
Hey, when she dies, who will tell him he is partially responsible? I hate to give in to the melodrama of blame and responsibility…not my thing really… but really….who will tell him? Will he be held accountable in any way?
Will he get off completely scott-free? Will they all say goodbye to the crazy girl? Goodbye crazy girl…you amused us for awhile. We all anxiously awaited your end, while we dreaded the end of our fun and games, we grew tired of it all at the same time. We hated ourselves for hating you…a defenseless, spineless human being trying to spread your love around…weakly fighting off our attacks…although we never really tired of attacking and laughing as we watched you squirm uncomfortably and cry out for help. We loved how crazy you seemed! And he will stand there grinning innocently as if to say, “See, I told you all, all along”, with just the tiniest note of a smirk at his hidden success. No one will know because she was always alone.
Target the victims. No one cares enough to hear them. No one cares about them even if they do squeal and scream a bit. They are an easy shot. Like shooting fish in a barrel!
Even her own attacked her, if she ever had any of her “own”… Did she? We think not. They joined us long ago. She stood alone… swimming futilely in circles, actually believing she was getting somewhere. As always. The hand that writes the future as though it were the past. No, she stood alone in her craziness. Alone for all anyone could see…. Except for that slight sinister shadow in the background. The shadow that always slips away undetected. The shadow that claims no idea it is at all sinister. After all, she is crazy! At her funeral, her own will have the opportunity to openly join forces with those responsible. They can commiserate at how difficult she made it all for them.
Maybe he did not pull the trigger…no. He wouldn’t. She could never be worth that risk. He risked once already for her and look at what that brought him. No. However, he can nurture the seeds of worthlessness, which her own planted long ago. He can water them, support them, encourage them, heartily eat the fruit from her tree, until it is barren of any treasure.
He can hand her the gun, all loaded and cocked, ready to fire, whisper words of nothingness into her soul and then walk away from the really dirty part. Walk away from the crime itself. The obvious crime he wants no part of. Without that, there can be no blame. No recoil. No punishment because there was no crime except hers.
If he sets the stage just right and gives all the perfect direction of an award winning director, maybe someday with all his excellent direction, she will succeed at something?
If so, who will credit him his due? After all, although the target was so easy, it was still quite the cunning masterpiece!
A safe place to breathe
10 Mar 2009 Leave a Comment
in Anger!, Apologies, broken heart, Dave, fears, Jared, just messed up, Life, LOVE, mothers, Uncategorized, Writing Tags: broken, broken heart, confusion, Dave, DAVE K., depression, hope, hopeless, insanity, insomnia, Jared, Life, limbo, LOVE, pain, prayers
Like an alarm clock has been planted in my brain, I wake at 3 am. 3 AM….the witching hour? Such irony!
I wake because I love him. I wake because I don’t love him. I wake because I’m angry at his cruelty or furious at my stupidity.. Or I wake in fear at the slow death I am living… I do not know much of anything any more. Most likely, I never did.
Jared says maybe he is just a distraction from “him”. No! I have feelings, I just can’t get them in order. It all feels very sick and unhealthy and I do not wish to draw others into it as I try to clear it out. I tear myself between running to Jared and running from him. I slept past 3 am for a few weeks and that was exciting, so imagine my frustration to see 3 AM this morning!
I have so much to offer and yet I really have nothing. I know how to work hard and can’t muster the energy or focus to do so. I know how to love and not how to parent. I know how to defend myself and don’t. I can’t be a daughter of the very thing I need to escape while attempting my escape.
I am lost in translation at communicating. Somewhere along the way I’ve lost my rights to humanity and I piss myself off with my weak attempts to reclaim them. Perhaps we are not all granted these at birth? Perhaps some of us are only intended as vehicles for others’ self expression of their rights? What if I am that girl? What if all I’ll ever know again is 3 AM? And confusion? And fighting to defend myself at all the wrong times in all the wrong ways for all the right reasons? What if that is all I’ll ever be as I desperately push to define myself beyond that?
I have the clay in my hands. I feel the power of formation. I am uncomfortable with power. I never wanted it because I can’t trust myself to be worthwhile. I squeeze and squish…. I languish for hours forming my soul and at 3 AM, I carelessly and intentionally destruct all I struggled to create only hours earlier. Smashing the clay back to a blob of formless muck!
I live a slow death and do not wish to draw anyone into that. Yet, I am lonely while lost in translation. And I ache for trust. And I have enough love to feed half of the world. I bleed from the neck as I ever so slowly chop off my own head. I wish for life! I wish for death! I don’t know the difference between that ending and this beginning. I only know how to feel. I was born to feel… I feel you. I feel him. I feel her. I feel them. I feel it all. I feel everything until I can’t feel anything anymore. Feeling is life and feeling will be my death. I don’t want that any more, but if I turn it off, am I not already dead?
Are you not dead once you can no longer feel? Or is that just a different way of living? Is there a safe place to breathe at 3 AM?
Grace
27 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, broken heart, fears, just messed up, Life Tags: broken, broken heart, emotion, empty, grace, lies, patience, promises
I almost think it is God’s grace that brings this to me. You…when I least expect it. You…when I least deserve it. You…when I’ve so little to offer. And the contradiction is that you don’t care about those things…but I do. I will create a continuum of the very things I desperately want to eliminate because of those things. I am only love but I cannot give that to you. I am only honesty and I can’t offer you that fully. I am only empty and I cannot give you what it is I do not have….no matter how much I wish to have it. I beg of you patience, but I can make you no promise of what that might bring. I only have theories and hope, concepts and dreams. Memories of what I once was, what I once held inside to offer another.
I am raw and empty. I no longer make promises, when there is nothing.
Thoughts and pieces
05 Feb 2009 Leave a Comment
in abuse, Anger!, Apologies, broken heart, Dave, faith, just messed up, Life, LOVE Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken, broken heart, crazy, cruel, Dave, DAVE K., death, depression, destruction, dysfunction, fucked up, hope, hopeless, LOVE, Loyalty, sociopaths, unconditional love
How could I ever prepare for an absence the size of you?
I came across this quote from a poem today. Don’t know the author for certain, so I can’t give credit where it’s due. Apologies.
I’ve been unable to write much. The scattered pieces of my pain have finally collaborated in their separation, grown massive, and I seem to be unable to piece them together into organized words. I think I almost hate you for that.
Right there was everything. You said so yourself, unless you were lying even then. You entered paradise, filled with exotic flowers of passion, sunlight of devotion and love unencompassed, meadows of abundance and the rubbery resillience of hope. Raping the land of love like a vicious sociopath. And I hate you for taking everything and leaving nothing. You were a greedy monster and I was the hopeful fool. Could you not have left something? A broken stem, a withered petal, a tiny thread of light? Ahhhhh, but you did…and that was the cruelest of all. It was with that which you killed me. True to your delightful “new” character of bitterness, you left only enough rope for me to hang myself with. And I wonder if you were you smart enough to know what you were doing? Today, I have to tell myself you were. Maybe tomorrow I’ll tell myself that too.
Should hope sustain us? Hope is the enemy. As long as you have hope, there’s still something left to be taken. Hope lives in the soul and can’t be taken without a fierce fight; not without taking parts of the vessel which contains it, as you clutched and clung, grasped and lied. The only peace is when there’s nothing left. As long as I want for peace, I am still wanting and cannot have peace. To reach that place where you’ve nothing left inside, but if you’ve nothing left inside, how does one continue? There must be something in there or I would be physically dead as well.
I’d better go count my blessings. I’ve fallen in the pit of apathy and self pity. Yuk! It’s horrendous in here…. Let me out!!
Can you hear me? Hey, is this thing on?
20 Jul 2008 Leave a Comment
in Apologies, just messed up, Life, Life Lessons, LOVE Tags: LOVE, Questions, random writings, unconditional love, voice
Can anyone hear me? No, I don’t mean metaphorically… Okay, well, I DO mean it metaphorically and I also mean it literally. I find it a cruel irony that I’ve struggled all my life to “be heard” – to speak up for myself, to use my voice on my own behalf…. and now that I’m trying (Trying to speak up, to share kindnesses, to be love and demonstrate loving things with my actions and words), it seems I quite literally cannot be heard. As in, “What?”, “Huh?” It seems my vocal chords have weakened so significantly in the past few years, that people cannot hear me when I speak. Side note just now realized: The other interesting irony of that is that it pushes and shoves me to write (as though I needed anything to push me in that direction – writing is all I’ve ever had – to write has always been my way to have a ”voice”). But now, I have the strangest sensation that I can’t be heard at all any other way.
I’ve been noticing the inability of others to hear me often lately. I confess it’s becoming a huge source of frustration for me to the extent that I contemplate each day whether it’s worth it to even attempt to speak aloud. How exhausting! “What?” Ohhhh never mind…and be sure to smile very sweetly so as to not convey my frustration. After all, it is not so-and-so’s fault that he or she did not hear me. I do not dare become frustrated at something so innocent and un-blameable (What? Is that even a word?) Yesterday, I was around a great deal of people throughout the day and I can honestly say that there were perhaps only one or two sentences I spoke aloud (to another human being) which were not responded to with, “What?” And after the third or fourth repeat, I am regretting that I bothered to speak at all. So, I’m leading to the solution of not speaking. Or, at the least, very, very carefully choosing when to make the effort to speak.
This enigma has been going on to one degree or another for the past 9 years. And it’s getting noticeably worse (i.e. more frustrating for me). And please understand that is is actually becoming a genuine enigma. What? Ohhh never mind, (again, I smile sweetly so you’ll know I’m not saying that in frustration with to you) it’s really nothing important. “What?” Oh my stars, really, never mind, I truly was just babbling about nothing….
I must be honest here and say that yes, this has become frustrating on a personal level. However, the cruelest irony of it all is this: Now that I have made my whole intention (and chosen to focus the majority of my energy) to be kind and demonstrate lovingness to others at large, if I can’t be heard and must repeat myself to the point of frustration, then the only intention that I’m conveying by the time I’m actually heard, IS my frustration… at which point, I’ve missed my intention target entirely and truly do regret that I’ve bothered to speak in the first place.
Thank you. “What?” Oh, I wanted to say thank you for reading my blog. “What?” Ohhhhh never mind (smile sweetly) I was just babbling on about nothing. “What?” Oh my gosh, never mind. Smile sweetly. Silence.
Your blabs