Dream intruders
14 Jun 2010 Leave a Comment
in Dave, dreams Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., disappontment, dreams, dysfunction, fears, fucked up, heartbreak, Life, LOVE, ponderings, relationships, unconditional love
It’s so unfortunate that we can’t control our dreams…
Fitful sleep tonight…tossing and turning… Dave K. everywhere!! I don’t want him invading my dreams like he did my home for so many years. It’s such a relief when he’s not running through my mind much. I feel such a sense of relief, and then he shows up rampant in my dreams anyway…ugh! He has no business there except to torture me. It’s frustrating to think that I’m fading him out at last and feeling successful with eliminating him from my mind and life, but my subconscious is still holding on so tightly, it seems. Otherwise how could he get in my dreams?
And this was not a good one by any means of interpretation. Seemed like a cruel reminder and additional experience with his denial of me as a human being and a loved one, past or present! His house was all rearranged and that was excruciatingly uncomfortable for me for some odd reason…I looked for “the” sofa and found it covered in an obscure corner somewhere. Relatives showed up (his not mine) and questioned my motives, my actions, and my behaviors over the past 5 years. They didn’t have even an eighth of the truth and were very critical, but still kind. He still had all my letters from days past, brought them out to show everyone, and cruelly laughed at them. That was painful. I hated him for that. So mean. …And a gambling problem…a BIG one. I told him that a psychic lady had told me of that problem years ago, but I hadn’t believed her. All in all, it was like I was at an informal trial at his house with Dave and his relatives as judge and jury and I wasn’t able to convey any truths or experience because I had already been deemed “bad” and of course “crazy” too, so nothing I said mattered. Very hurtful and frustrating…
As though he had never loved me…..had never hurt even a moment over all the things he’s cried and beaten me up about for so many years because of how much I “devastated” him. Just one big charade apparently for the sole purpose of getting in my pants and keeping me covered in guilt so he had emotional control over me. As if there had never been any reality or worthwhile substance of emotions…
It was such a painful dream and leaves me wondering are these just my deep fears trying to make desperate sense of all the nonsense that has happened or is that the ugly reality? After everything, it’s nauseating to even ponder that as a possibility.
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