Filed under: Danny, LOVE, Life, faith, fears, life transformations | Tags: confusion, Danny, hope, joy, Life, morals, ponderings
In less than on month, I’ve “ended” my association with Danny three times already! I’m surprised that he puts up with it… is it because he likes me enough to do that? Or perhaps because it really matters so very little? I consult the I Ching for some insight and rarely do I receive anything all that positive or informative, but the truth is that those type things hardly ever give me positive input on any topic! One would think that I’m either cursed to nothing much good or that these oracles hesitate to get my hopes up on any matter in my life. For this reason, I choose not to consult such things on matters of deep importance. It would create too much stress!
It’s now “on” again, though. I really ended it and then we had a mutual group outing where I had to ignore him completely and pretend that there is nothing between us. It was quite difficult, but he later told me that he would never have guess it was.. guess I’m a better actress that I give myself credit for! So good that what I was feeling wasn’t projected. It always feels like it is and so I rarely put myself in those positions. I did skip out pretty early though because it was so exhausting to keep up the charade. I just wanted him with me…I mean really with me… I didn’t want to watch him talk to other people and I couldn’t sit close enough to talk to him. Funny thing is, I wasn’t feeling jealous at all…more like just lost… as though he was supposed to be next to me, but wasn’t and it was uncomfortable. So I left early and then gave my phone away so I could be sure not to contact him while under the influence of that prompting evil, alcohol.
However, when I got my phone back the next day, I contacted him immediately and a conversation ensued where I confessed that I wanted him to be with me and had struggled with having things the way they had been the night before. He claimed to be disappointed that I had left early and also claimed he had made an effort to go where he heard I had gone. I see no reason for him to be less than honest about this and yet I do have the strong suspicion that he’s a natural salesman and knows well what to say, when, and just how to get what he wants with minimal effort. This hunch creates perpetual doubts in my mind as to his authenticity. Not necessarily a good thing for a person with my recent (and long term) history with the DK!
So after three brief “endings” (what a joke!), we continue exactly where we left off…between the hours of 1 AM and 4 AM for the most part, which does create feelings of being a concubine of sorts. I do have some understanding of why it is this way and why it needs to be this way right now…but again, given my experiences from the last four years, it doesn’t sit well. So, my girlfriend and I discuss and her advice is to cease on the sexual activity with him until his divorce is actually fully final. That’s such great advice! And only a few short years ago, I’d not have had any trouble at all acting on that. Today, however, it feels next to impossible and I really don’t like or understand that.
Regardless, he asks to come over after his children are in bed and I eagerly agree. I really just want him next to me for awhile even though I know it can only be for a few hours and therefore doesn’t feel all that differently from the DK situation, which I do know is not the healthiest place for me to be right now. BUT, I so much like the way his hands caress my back…the way it doesn’t feel so very wrong right now that it isn’t DK’s hands on my skin. This is my first experience touching and kissing a man without guilt in four years and quite honestly, that, alone, makes it so damned hard to resist. Finally, I don’t feel like I’m cheating on my invisible husband! Finally, I can be single through and through, instead of just physically single but emotionally married. I wish I could be stronger… I wish I could know what’s right and wrong instead of just feeling the relief of the absence of everything without DK is wrong. I’m not sure how to combat that much begged for feeling of relief I have craved for years nor am I totally certain I should. I genuinely don’t know what is right in general or even just right for me at this time…it feels too good just to be with a man in any capacity (sexually or just physically) and not want to sob hysterically afterward and beg forgiveness. How could I not roll around in delight within that right now? How could I just keep it at arm’s length and merely contemplate it? The relief of this is almost better than any orgasm could be…and yet I’m supposed to deny it? Who says? My soul? My future happiness? Morals?
Am I ruining myself completely now…whatever’s left that isn’t ruined, at least? I just don’t know. Does this have a happy ending? What is my happy ending minus DK even?
He’s not living married, so I really don’t feel too badly about that. His future ex-wife seems to have a boyfriend already… After having spent an evening with him, but “apart” from him, I said, “just get that divorce over with and be with me”. He says, “I know what’s going to happen….I’ll get this divorce and we’ll immediately run off and get married”. I say no! No, I just want to be with you for now and maybe in about five years or so if all goes well between us we can discuss marriage and he says premonition or whatever, he just thinks we will. Just the feeling he gets… Sales job or truth?
I do not know. I only know for right now that I do, in act, and so surprisingly and totally unexpectedly, like him……I actually do like him. Fight it or revel around in delight in it? Hmmmm….?
Filed under: Dave, Friendship, LOVE, Life, abuse, broken heart, dreams, faith, fears, life transformations, respect | Tags: boundaries, compromised, Dan, dating, Dave, DAVE K., dysfunction, LOVE, morals, ponderings, Questions, self love, self-respect, slut, transformations
I am Dan’s most-wanted concubine. Do I want to be his or anyone’s concubine? Is there any situation in these days, at my age, where there’s an option to not be someone’s concubine? Would I choose any other option anyway? Would I even be capable of any other option?
No one is asking for my hand in marriage here…nor would I want anyone to today…but like DK for the past 4 years, I’m definitely wanted in some capacity, albeit still mostly just sexually… I am obviously merely a sexual play thing for men’s fantasies. My intelligence, my dreams, my spirit, my soul, my sense of humor, my life…..does any of that matter one iota? To anyone? To even me anymore?? Am I better off to be of no consequence whatsoever? Is it better or worse for my fledgling self-worth to be wanted sexually or to be wanted by no one at all, for any reasons?
I am physically and emotionally scarred. I am fundamentally damaged. Perhaps this dictates that my lot in life is that of a completely dispensable concubine (of sorts)? Has the experience of falling deeply in love one damned time created the path of this concubine fate? I could never be a full-fledged concubine, as I could never accept gifts or money for my “attention” or random “availability”. Hell, I feel guilty letting a man I don’t love pay for my dinner! I could never accept expensive jewels or help with my mortgage or anything of the kind that seems what a concubine’s position really is intended to be. No, those things would make me feel cheap. Better to give it away? …as though that certainly dictates a value on it all, making it less cheap??!!
I really can’t tell anymore. And it matters…so very, VERY much…and yet, it really doesn’t so much matter at all. What else could I ever be? In my state, I could never agree in good conscience to marry or even officially live with someone. I’m in no position to pretend I have feelings….or wants….or anything. Except a body that men find desirable. My devotion is not necessary and my emotions are of minimal import, merely my availability, my willingness, my openness… my relatively unscarred body ( unscarred at least to the human eye, that is). My face is scarred and certainly less attractive than when the nightmare with DK began four long years ago… am I now just a sexually appealing body with a bearable-in-the-dark face?
I recently began sexual relations with a man other than DK (GASP!!!!). After years of prayer and begging God for mercy, my heart has finally (!!!!!) loosened its devotion to DK. Started a casual relationship with a man I know who is just recently going through a divorce. This is probably a pretty dangerous combo, he and I, given his going-through-divorce status and my just starting to recover from four years of the long, cruel death of my hopes, dreams, and one-great-love-of my-life, but what the hell? Are we using each other? Does it matter either way? Seems this is how it’s done these days. Sexual relationships that may or may not grow into more emotional things, as opposed to forming a relationship and letting it grow into sexual intimacy. I’m not all that comfortable with this really, and yet I’m embracing experiencing a man whom I’ve not been experiencing for four years of emotional torture. I just don’t know the boundaries yet, having never experienced this before. I don’t know the moral ramifications either or if there even are any in this day of casual, disposable relationships and non-committal stances?
Due to our situation with children, we have to almost sneak around in order to be sexual together. I can’t decide if this is exciting and intriguing? … or cheap and ridiculous? We joked about meeting at a sleazy by-the-hour hotel and I felt kinda funny about the openness with which we make no promises to one another.
So when he calls to ask if he can book this little tryst….I want to feel insulted, feel cheapened, feel appalled at his nerve… And yet, I really don’t that much…the truth is, I really kind of want to go! Is it better or worse to be used like this rather than by someone you actually love who lies and manipulates, creating false pretenses to get the very same thing? Again, does it even matter really? Honestly, I do not know. I wanted to say “OMG..NO WAY you big JERK!!!!!” And …I wanted to say, “Oh, of course…when and where?” I went back and forth in my decision…then planned to just go and at least try it to see how I felt about it…he booked the room…and then my daughter got sick and I could not sneak off! Haha!!
The concubine-in-training’s decision was made for her after all…
Filed under: Dave, LOVE, Life, Life Lessons, faith, fears, just messed up, life transformations, respect | Tags: abuse, broken, broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., forgiveness, hopeless, life transformations, LOVE, low self esteem, mutation, pathetic, powerless, self love, self-centeredness, self-respect, slut, unconditional love
Slut.
I’m not sure what this means to me anymore… I once thought that sharing your body intimately with another person should be reserved only for relationships where love was there or at least a potential to love….great admiration, perhaps?
My whole perspective on this has changed in the past 4 years of riding the viciously cruel DK roller coaster. I haven’t been loved by another in four years, but I’ve loved a man and I’ve had sex with him countless times throughout this period. And now I might be somewhat free from the painful chains holding me to him, but I do not know my capacity to love any more. I can’t possibly know if I will ever feel a depth of emotion strong enough for another person in a romantic relationship to label it “love”. I question my capacity to let myself venture there again at all.
It is painful to think of loving him so much and all we missed out on, as well as all the damage that he has done toying with my heart or four years. I still can’t be certain I would agree it is better to have loved and lost..but I can finally say with absolute sincerity that the mutual loving experience of that relationship before it turned into something cruel and ugly, was the most beautiful experience I have ever had. It hurts to think of the beauty of it..because it is gone..but I don’t fully resent it anymore. I can actually feel a tinge of utter gratitude for having experienced a love that most people will never get the opportunity to know or even comprehend… And while I still can’t fathom it will ever not hurt at ALL to have that memory and experience, I can qualify that into a category where I see that in some perspective I was truly very blessed and fortunate to have known it.
And now what? My heart does not (thankfully!) fully reside with DK anymore, but it certainly still is not fully my own either. Irony is that my capacity to love has diminished and grown overly cautious, but my capacity for compassion and forgiveness has exceeded limits I never would have imagined it could. And I have always associated compassion and forgiveness with love…at least the deeply sincere kinds of compassion and forgiveness. How can this be?
And…because of this experience am I now cursed to be what I previously considered a “slut”? If I cannot love…(will not love?) is it acceptable to sexually connect with others under those circumstances? When I KNOW I am in those circumstances? Does this warrant me a life as the stereotypical tramp..the girl everyone uses to satisfy physical desire or fears of self-inadequacy? I cringe at the thought of being used by so many…or by ANY one really and yet who am I to judge? I have allowed DK to use me to the extent that I feel worth little more than that. If I cannot/will not (?) love, am I not for all intents and purposes, using others in my own way as well? No matter how full of compassion and forgiveness my “usings” are…am I any better than anyone else who selfishly uses others for whatever their personal reasons might be.
I have allowed a man to use me to the point that my own self worth has shriveled to nothing… I reside in a place where I can’t even imagine another human being feeling genuine love for me… I am not worthy of that any longer. I am a body with working pieces, a soul full of compassion and forgiveness, and a heart that is closed. Who am I? The slut I never imagined I could be…a monstrous creation formed from a beautiful relationship that went wrong and a love for another that would not subside…which has mutated me into a worthless tramp. “Self righteous”, “teasing”,” save myself for love only” girl has mutated into its opposite…
And I believe that since the more sex without love you have in your life, the less love you have in general…the more the capacity to love shrivels further and further…then I self-create a continuation of the very thing I never wanted to be…
Or I join an Ashram and swear of all desires and thoughts of romantic love forever…? Let agape flow from my heart through my outstanding capacity for compassion and forgiveness for humanity, while resigning myself to a life without personal love or selfish satisfactions.
I am a contradiction by definition of my character and spirit… and instead of resolving those contradictions, I, myself(with extraordinary assistance from DK), have dictated my life to expand my contradicting nature….perhaps making me the most unlovable and least respectable human being who has walked the earth…?
Overly dramatic? Yes, of course! And still I feel I cannot put precise enough conviction and explanation in my words or thoughts regarding the conundrum I and my life have become…..
Filed under: Uncategorized
Gosh, I am so very hopeful right now! Although a few weeks ago there was another go-around with the DK insanity…unexpected in its arrival and full of lies and deceit as usual… For the first time in FOUR YEARS of this hell, I actually think I just may have (dare I say it?!?!??) moved on….
Years of pain and false hopes in all directions pertaining to this utterly ridiculous (and CHRONIC) drama…have made me suspicious and afraid to really believe in it when my heart shows tiny signs of letting go, seeing clearly, and/or accepting what it now is and what he has become. Yet, I actually have hope that this tiny sense of detachment is for real and possibly even lasting!
I feel lighter than I have in four years and this doesn’t feel as though I’m just desperately trying to convince myself of this…
I am sick of what he has become and thoroughly disgusted about what he has done. In fact, I might never totally be able to accept it for what truly has occurred…I may need to hold onto little parts of denial because the transformation of him has just been horrible to witness and contemplate…
However, after the initial contact and true-to-form result, I went out with some friends, acted like a fool, embarrassed myself totally, felt like shit, blamed him (yes i really did!! (in my mind at least:)), reached out to befriend him through his unhappiness, was spit on AGAIN, and then I just suddenly got MAD. I mean REALLY, REALLY, REALLYYYYYYYYY mad! The anger was uncomfortable for a day or so…felt like I was ready to snap and it was frightening…but then it suddenly passed… and when he attempted to contact me two days ago, after a moment of heart palpitations and breaking out into an instant sweat, I calmly ignored the attempt and have hardly thought of it since. A few times I’ve thought about responding with something stupid…and then I just realize that it’s not even worth that much effort or energy. And it’s two days later and the urge to respons at all is actually fading instead of growing stronger!!!
Perhaps after four years of paying for my mistakes and suffering constantly, my incessant prayers have finally been answered…? Could it be???? The feelings have faded enough that I’m not in absolute misery at the moment and I am so utterly grateful for this time of relief!!!
I do not wish him ill…I do not wish him well…I wish him nothing…..well, except for maybe just a little karmic reward for his long term horrifyingly mean and constant cruelty…but that’s just a fleeting thought even…!
Happy holidays to everyone…may your hopes and prayers be answered as well!!
Filed under: Apologies, Dave, LOVE, Life, abuse, broken heart, just messed up | Tags: abuse, abusive relationships, addiction, broken, broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., dysfunction, insanity, lost spirit, LOVE, ponderings, responsibility, sickness, unconditional love
I experience the full comprehension of the literal definition of a wasted life… It is when you have placed the highest value, importance, and priority on something which was hardly a fleeting thought to another. What a sad waste of a life and tragic assisted suicide of a heart this has been. I realize it will never be a worthwhile thought or experience to another living soul…except perhaps, just perhaps, in the book of “What Not to do in Life”. It could possibly gain notice in that list, but somehow I doubt that even, as any reasonable human being would consider it as a given and not need to dull lesson of the obvious. Even there, the experience could be skimmed through or skipped altogether…. How did my life become defined by this ridiculous aberration? When exactly did it shift to that? And why in the HELL upon this epiphany, would I allow it to continue feeding on the juice of my life? Sucking me dry of all things worthwhile or note-worthy in the slightest? How is it possible or allowed that my experience, hell my existence itself, is one of complete futility? This disgusts me. When (and how?!!??) will that disgust grow strong enough to change it?
As I slowly die,I realize yet again that no other will be held accountable for this murder… And I don’t really think even that matters any more to me. That strong passion for right and wrong, justice and accountability…all falls back onto me. Only I am to blame for allowing this death by slow torturous murder. I couldn’t possibly point a single finger at anyone else because at the end of the day, it is I alone who must take responsibility for the contual madness… No one has held a gun to my head in years. I’ve chosen this..in spite of myself, because of myself… Although it doesn’t feel like a choice was ever placed in my hands…..I logically understand that it’s my finger on the trigger. The rest is just words thrown in my direction, giving me step-by-step instructions albeit between the lines…reminding me that it is my fault alone.
I can’t help but wonder lately if I have ever had such a profoundly negative and immensely detrimental effect on another human being merely through my own selfishness, knowingly or otherwise? I can’t know, except to know factually that if I have, it was sheerly unintentional and unknowing….
I have never played with my food for this long…nor someone’s emotions or quality and quantity of life… I still feel guilt over saying something hateful once to Theresa ten years ago.
How does any one person become so much? It is not rational or logical and certainly not sane or “normal”? And if I have enough wisdom and intellect to see that, then why doesn’t it stop right there?
I was never intended for one-on-one love…it’s all a fluke and an aberration of nature…an absolute train wreck I can’t tear myself away from long enough or far enough to move past…or around..or over…
I pray for forgiveness if I have ever once created this much pain in another living thing for even one moment in time. Ignorance is no excuse…
Filed under: Dave, LOVE, Life, Writing, broken heart, dreams, faith, fears, just messed up, life transformations | Tags: confusion, connection, Dave, DAVE K., desire, desperation, destruction, strength, unconditional love
At last I can write – or I believe I can…. Typically, I write to process thoughts and mass confusion, as well as to ease the throbbing from the proverbial knife which stabs directly into my heart…and sits there…refusing to budge…
Seems D wasn’t as “gone” as I thought, as true to form, he has reappeared yet again…at the 6 month mark of his absence. The “FOR SALE” sign no longer sits in his yard. Its absence screams of something which didn’t quite work the way he had hoped…or another had hoped? I will never know the story. I can’t imagine I will ever ask..or learn the truth whatever it may be regardless, so I’ll not be asking!
Last Saturday, prior to any contact since June, I could not shake him from my thoughts. His presence lingered everywhere and quite honestly was driving me mad. Random glances at the driveway with the misplaced wondering of when is D coming home? The chronic expectation that he would, should be arriving any moment was leaving me with the distinct feeling of mildly hysterical insanity. “Of course he is not pulling in any moment, you FOOL!”, I consistently admonished my own thoughts. My eldest could not shake him either and we both felt this quite odd and of course, unsettling in its random constancy.
When around 11 PM I received a text message, I still did not imagine for a moment it was him. As only 6 months ago I would have been certain it was. And yet…..something in my gut told me….”Ahhh yes …THERE HE IS…” And yes, it was him!! I had to look again and again to be sure my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me! They were not..clear as day my phone announced “DK”. My heart felt it would explode…my hands shook as I grabbed the phone…my head spun so fast I literally struggled to read the words. Ohhhhh I sound so melodramatic! And the most pathetic and embarrassing part of it all, is that if anything, I’m actually somewhat undermining my strong, physical, mental, and emotional response to this tiny contact.
To cut to the chase and cease the temptation to provide every boring detail and subtle nuance of these text interaction that spanned a few hours’ time… After some inner struggle and torturous indecision trying desperately to tell myself, “Absolutely not! Under NO circumstances to you go to him damnit..NO! NO! NOOOO!!!!”, I went to him.
After taking me in fully in only a brief glance, he kissed me immediately…instantly…no moment of waiting or indecision on his part….or mine, in my response. And this proved that our kiss was the same as every kiss. In absolute mutual rhythm and complete understanding of the lip, mouth, heart, and character of the other side of this kiss. Like an orchestra who hasn’t played together in so long and yet they pick up instantly as thought they hadn’t missed a single day of practice… Our mouths met in perfect knowing rhythm, rhyme, and reason. A tiny (oh-so-tiny!) part of my mind, hoped in that brief moment before the initial exchange, that we would be changed somehow and had lost this connection and I would feel (sadly) secure that what we have shared from our first kiss through every kiss of the past five years would be altered beyond recognition. No.
And I didn’t even proclaim any hesitation or feign any trepidation at succumbing to him. Simple and silently clear as, “I want you still.” Yes, I want you still, as well. Like a drowning person finally gasping for that first gulp of delicious life-giving air, with zero embarrassment or cautionary thoughts, I gave myself yet again to the only man I have ever loved.
He spoke of his need for me..his desire…his daily fantasies of me through the past 6 months. And I questioned nothing. I know because I am him. I am his every desire, his every fantasy of thought. I am it every bit as much as he. Logic had no place in this moment in time..nor did rationality. Just the desperate satisfaction at finally being re-connected to my own personal oxygen supply. I do realize that it likely and probable that no one is intended to love anyone or anything on this level, much less need them/it. But after 6 months away from the source, I do not have the energy to carry on the farce that anything of the sort matters…or doesn’t make sense anymore…or hurts so badly later that I almost wish for death. He spoke of needing me and spoke of tomorrow…. I cared not that it was probably lies or exaggerations… my only thought was OXYGEN…AT LAST!!! The world stopped spinning and made sense again for a few hours..at last…
Several days later, he ignored my follow up contact…of course. Nothing has changed…or has it? So I message him that this new game of his was quite sad and he should lose my number permanently rather than drag me through this again…. no response…
Dreamt of him yesterday…the first dream in SO long where we were together and happy..no complications or hidden agendas and it seems I even was handwriting our wedding invitations at one point… This dream was luscious..with no anxieties or stress points mixed in..just the sheer comfort and security we actually shared so long ago…
Nothing at all from him though…. until last night around 11 PM again, when he texts, “I was wrong. Sorry!” …which progresses shortly thereafter to repeated and insistent “I wantyou” Come to me” messages.
I play the game and volley the texts and the subject as hand back and forth for several hours. I never respond to these directly, except one simple “I want you too”. Otherwise, I dodge his demands.
What I will never tell him is that I attempted to go to him, but my garage door was frozen shut, making it impossible for me to leave. I almost texted him this, but opted instead to at least let it appear as though I have some strength against him, some will power inside that provides the ability to deny him.
And my world continues to relentlessly spin. I feel no satisfaction at the false premise of strength against this insanity which circumstances forced upon me. I just miss him. I only love him. Still….
Filed under: Uncategorized
Been trying to chase away the thoughts and memories that hurt so badly. Can’t get rid of them…can’t stand them….they hurt too badly. And I can’t help but think of George Jones’s song, He Stopped Loving Her Today..,.and I wonder if, as the song suggests, I’ll have peace when I move on from this world?
This morning, my mind unintentionally flashed to him…the way he would look at me from across a room… His eyes full of pride and admiration, sometimes lustfully as though he wanted to devour me right there, and always with the softness of love; pure and simple love. That look of love that says, “I adore everything about you”.
And I smelled him….my favorite smell…when he would come home from boating early in the morning and slowly wake me with the softest kisses…wrapping himself around me, smelling of fresh air…like breathing in a breath of air while sitting at the beach. Will that smell ever leave my memory? Will it ever cease to be the most beloved smell I can imagine?
I wonder lately if this is my punishment. Of course I’m being punished for my careless thoughtlessly hurtful actions, but I wonder if I’m also being punished for not taking love seriously prior to knowing it for myself? What about all the broken hearted people who would come to me and although I felt bad for their pain, I truly could not understand why anyone would dwell in that… Move on already…quit wallowing and just move on… I don’t think I’ve ever been cruel enough to say that, but I can recall a few times when those thoughts ran through my mind as a friend was crying over a break up. I literally had no comprehension of the inability to just think, “Aww that sucks. Will really miss him/her. Guess I’d better move on….boohoo..ok…moving on now….” Really, isn’t it just that easy?
No. And maybe I needed to understand that so fully to help me never ever think that way again when someone comes to me with a broken heart. I pray I was never callous or evidently non-compassionate in those moments past. I don’t believe I ever was outwardly…but I had no basis for understanding a depth of love and happiness that physically ached when it’s removed from your life…the physical, emotional, and mental pain that takes over and makes “moving on” so difficult it could be compared to climbing Mount Everest…
I don’t think I’ll ever truly know why this is how it has to be but I certainly do fully understand the pain of losing love now. And now I can just pray every day that my heart will change, lighten up, and let me be free from the heavy chains of loving him…or that at least someday I’ll find some peace from it…
Filed under: Dave, LOVE, broken heart, fears, just messed up, signs | Tags: boundaries, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., dreams
After being away from my blog for some time, today I read back a little and saw my post where I dreamt about what’s currently happening with Dave. I had visions and things, but rather told myself they were natural because it would be my fears coming true….yet, now in hindsight, I think, “Wow…I really did see it coming before I knew!!”
So, that makes the last dream I had even more unsettling and of course I wonder, just fears or premonition? I was with him in the dream, of course – as always (arghhh!), but something wasn’t right. It was a sexual dream, which I (sadly) rarely have (~:P~), so it definitely made a lasting impression. I could not blog immediately, so many of the little details have escaped my memory, but I do know that I was with him and I actually think I was upset because he was cheating on the new one with me! Which is not at all like him and I can’t imagine would really happen, but is it me hoping (gosh, I hope not!!) or wishing for that? Is it me refusing to accept that any female could be as important to him as I once was and so I dream about the most intimate betrayal I know he’d never do to the woman he truly loved?
What made the dream very sad though was that in the dream, although we were being physically intimate, I sensed that he was not interested in me like that or any other way. I was very sad, as this is still the one thng I’ve not yet ever experienced with him, but he has never been involved with another woman in any serious, committed capacity since we (technically) split almost four years ago. It felt wonderful to be with him in the dream, but I was sad, sad, SAD….
There were so many tiny nuances/messages within the dream and I so wish I could remember those better, so I might better decipher the message or warning it may have been trying to send me. It was a rather emotionally complicated dream, that much I remember. And I tell myself I only had the dream because I miss him damnit and I put him there subconsciously for no other reason than I miss him so very much. I actually said that out loud twice today, “I miss you”. So, that’s probably the only reason for the dream.
I don’t want to be the kind of person who would accept or allow infidelity, even if it is with the man who feels like he will always and has always belonged with me. He is not with me and I don’t want to wish that kind of pain on any other person.
Yet, good Lord in heaven, I miss him…even if I can’t admit that to anyone but myself and my blog….I do miss him and nothing about being apart from him today feels one iota more right than being apart from him the day we split did… It feels as if fate has been negatively altered and like nothing will ever fall in its proper place again. Now it’s chaotic “order” because the ground level is messed up..nothing is as it was intended…
I’m trying to tell myself that regardless of it feeling that way, really, everything is probably as it’s intended, because this is what it is, but nothing in my soul or spirit can accept that, even now, after everything…
I’m grateful I got to spend some time with him in my dream, even if it wasn’t as I would want it to be….but I still very much wish he would leave my mind and spirit forever and stop haunting me like he does…like he always has from the moment we met. Or I wish he would just come back to us. We all miss him so terribly…and love and value him so very much….
Filed under: Dave, Friendship, LOVE, Life, Life Lessons, Writing, broken heart, fears, just messed up | Tags: broken dreams, broken heart, Dave, DAVE K., depression, disappontment, friends, heartbreak, sadness, unconditional love, Writing
Bit broken down and whatnot, but was encouraged by a dear soul to write anyway…. (thank you, my friend!)
Reflecting lately on hindsight…wondering why foresight can’t be 20/20?? And contemplating second chances..who gets them? Under what circumstances should a 2nd chance not be granted? Pit party mode: Why can’t I be in the good graces of 2nd chances, anyway? Some get so very many “2nd” chances, while rarely get one…..
Obviously, I fall into the “no 2nd chances” category for whatever reason…the higher powers that be have deemed me unworthy of such grace… and within that frame, I swallow the bitter lesson that perhaps it is not better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? I mean, who said that anyway? Whoever it was certainly had more grace and gratitude than I!
Losing a love is excruciatingly painful…and after all, before you’ve loved, you can’t even know what you’re missing, so…hmmm……??
No, I have decided I would rather not have loved at all…. Would I miss all the beautiful memories of being loved, feeling loved, figuring out what love is? Oh yeah…but I’d not know that I missed it at all, so better off, I believe I’d be!
On the other hand, were I more gratefully graceful, I could confess that I have once been loved deeply and far beyond my expectations. Perhaps I just wasn’t ready for something so huge? I sure didn’t know how to appreciate it fully or accept it as reality until it was long gone from my life. So, instead, I spent 2 years in bliss I never fathomed prior and three years desperately trying to make up for losing it…beating myself up every inch of the way, as though that might make me worthy of a second chance….
No such luck. No second chances. Just vivid, painful hindsight and sweet memories that sting with the heartache of that hindsight. Memories which haunt my every waking (and sleeping!) hour. Memories that tear at my soul, rip at my self worth and shred my ability to forgive myself my erroneous errors.
I’d like to think that perhaps it wouldn’t have lasted even if I hadn’t erred………….but that’s not something I can convince myself of because the evidence proves it would have… Evidence shows it was the greatest, purest chance at love that I may ever have…and I couldn’t see that until it was too late…. And hard as Humpty tried to put it together again, alas, it could not be done…. Too little…too late..ahhh cliche’…
Maybe there’s only one chance at such depths of love, in order to learn that second chances aren’t a given in any situation, so I’d better get it right the first time from now on…if there’s ever another chance to demonstrate what I’ve learned from this experience…. Haha… I suppose it’s called once in a lifetime love because the opportunity comes only once…..
Yes, I would most definitely erase every beautiful memory, so I could live blissfully in ignorance of what love can be…and pooh-pah in hindight’s hateful mean face!
However, as that is not an option, instead, I get to trudge on, hoping it all makes sense someday….and hanging onto everyv possible shred of hope that nothing is ever final…until it’s final…
